Perculiar Ghost

INT. HAMSTEAD HEATH, LONDON - AFTERNOON Cold Teacher MISS HEATHER ENGLAND is arguing with grateful psychiatrist SIR HAROLD WALKER. HEATHER tries to hug HAROLD but he shakes her off. HEATHER Please Harold, don't leave me. HAROLD I'm sorry Heather, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away. HEATHER I am such a person! HAROLD frowns. HAROLD I'm sorry, Heather. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore. HAROLD leaves. HEATHER sits down, looking defeated. Moments later, caring computer programmer SIR RICHARD ENGLAND barges in looking flustered. HEATHER Goodness, Richard! Is everything okay? RICHARD I'm afraid not. HEATHER What is it? Don't keep me in suspense... RICHARD It's ... a ghost ... I saw an evil ghost frighten a bunch of baby birds! HEATHER Defenseless baby birds? RICHARD Yes, defenseless baby birds! HEATHER Bloomin' heck, Richard! We've got to do something. RICHARD I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start. HEATHER You can start by telling me where this happened. RICHARD I was... RICHARD fans himself and begins to wheeze. HEATHER Focus Richard, focus! Where did it happen? RICHARD Quality Cafe, Los Angeles! That's right - Quality Cafe, Los Angeles! HEATHER springs up and begins to run. EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS HEATHER rushes along the street, followed by RICHARD. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way. INT. QUALITY CAFE, LOS ANGELES - SHORTLY AFTER CHARITY RAMSBOTTOM a peculiar ghost terrorises two baby birds. HEATHER, closely followed by RICHARD, rushes towards CHARITY, but suddenly stops in her tracks. RICHARD What is is? What's the matter? HEATHER That's not just any old ghost, that's Charity Ramsbottom! RICHARD Who's Charity Ramsbottom? HEATHER Who's Charity Ramsbottom? Who's Charity Ramsbottom? Only the most peculiar ghost in the universe! RICHARD Blinkin' knickers, Heather! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most peculiar ghost in the universe! HEATHER You can say that again. RICHARD Blinkin' knickers, Heather! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most peculiar ghost in the universe! HEATHER I'm going to need arrows, lots of arrows. Charity turns and sees Heather and Richard. She grins an evil grin. CHARITY Heather England, we meet again. RICHARD You've met? HEATHER Yes. It was a long, long time ago... EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME A young HEATHER is sitting in a park listening to some trance music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her. She looks up and sees CHARITY. She takes off her headphones. CHARITY Would you like some barley sugar? HEATHER's eyes light up, but then he studies CHARITY more closely, and looks uneasy. HEATHER I don't know, you look kind of peculiar. CHARITY Me? No. I'm not peculiar. I'm the least peculiar ghost in the world. HEATHER Wait, you're a ghost? HEATHER runs away, screaming. INT. QUALITY CAFE, LOS ANGELES - PRESENT DAY CHARITY You were a coward then, and you are a coward now. RICHARD (To HEATHER) You ran away? HEATHER (To RICHARD) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do? HEATHER turns to CHARITY. HEATHER I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time! HEATHER runs away. She turns back and shouts. HEATHER I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with arrows. CHARITY I'm not scared of you. HEATHER You should be. EXT. CENTRAL PARK, NEW YORK - LATER THAT DAY HEATHER and RICHARD walk around searching for something. HEATHER I feel sure I left my arrows somewhere around here. RICHARD Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly arrows. HEATHER You know nothing Richard England. RICHARD We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here. Suddenly, CHARITY appears, holding a pair of arrows. CHARITY Looking for something? RICHARD Crikey, Heather, she's got your arrows. HEATHER Tell me something I don't already know! RICHARD The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km. HEATHER I know that already! RICHARD I'm afraid of dust. CHARITY (appalled) Dude! While CHARITY is looking at RICHARD with disgust, HEATHER lunges forward and grabs her deadly arrows. He wields them, triumphantly. HEATHER Prepare to die, you peculiar potato! CHARITY No please! All I did was frighten a bunch of baby birds! HAROLD enters, unseen by any of the others. HEATHER I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those baby birds were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Heather England defender of innocent baby birds. CHARITY Don't hurt me! Please! HEATHER Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these arrows on you right away! CHARITY Because Heather, I am your mother. HEATHER looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself. HEATHER No you're not! CHARITY Ah well, it had to be worth a try. CHARITY tries to grab the arrows but HEATHER dodges out of the way. HEATHER Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh? Unexpectedly, CHARITY slumps to the ground. RICHARD Did she just faint? HEATHER I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly arrows. HEATHER crouches over CHARITY's body. RICHARD Be careful, Heather. It could be a trick. HEATHER No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Charity Ramsbottom is dead! HEATHER What? HEATHER Yes, it appears that I scared her to death. RICHARD claps his hands. RICHARD So your arrows did save the day, after all. HAROLD steps forward. HAROLD Is it true? Did you kill the peculiar ghost? HEATHER Harold how long have you been...? HAROLD puts his arm around HEATHER. HAROLD Long enough. HEATHER Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Charity Ramsbottom. HAROLD Then the baby birds are safe? HEATHER It does seem that way! A crowd of vulnerable baby birds enter, looking relived. HAROLD You are their hero. The baby birds bow to HEATHER. HEATHER There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Charity Ramsbottom will never frighten baby birds ever again, is enough for me. HAROLD You are humble as well as brave! One of the baby birds passes HEATHER a magic talisman HAROLD I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude. HEATHER I couldn't possibly. Pause. HEATHER Well, if you insist. HEATHER takes the talisman. HEATHER Thank you. The baby birds bow their heads once more, and leave. HEATHER turns to HAROLD. HEATHER Does this mean you want me back? HAROLD Oh, Heather, of course I want you back! HEATHER smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant. HEATHER Well you can't have me. HAROLD WHAT? HEATHER You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a ghost to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that. HAROLD But... HEATHER Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Richard. RICHARD grins. HAROLD But... RICHARD You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo! HAROLD Heather? HEATHER I'm sorry Harold, but I think you should skidaddle. HAROLD leaves. RICHARD turns to HEATHER. RICHARD Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend? HEATHER Of course you are! The two walk off arm in arm. Suddenly RICHARD stops. RICHARD When I said I'm afraid of dust, you know I was just trying to distract the ghost don't you? THE END