Protect Me From Myself

Chapter2

Jenna

I stand in my dressing room, getting ready for the closing night of Fooled - a Musical I have been part of for the past four months, and all I can think is how ridiculously tired I am after it all. I’ve loved the whole thing; it’s what I wanted for so long.

Now, coming to the end, I’ve realized this isn’t for me. I don’t want to be a Star; I want something more straightforward than this. I don’t want reviews written about me; I don’t want my picture taken or my name up in lights. It was a nice dream, but it was never really mine, if I’m being totally honest with myself.

Some might call me crazy. I have been given a fantastic opportunity. But this isn't my dream.

Like I could ever tell my mother that. She’s really excited because it’s now time to take the musical to the West End of London, England.

Of course, I was asked to go on tour with it, but with my illness spiking, I know I wouldn’t last a week. I like the comfort of my own home when I’m like this. I want to be alone so that I can purge and feel no guilt about it. I could never risk anyone finding out, and they would if I were away for months.

My mother won’t like it; she’ll make me feel guilty about passing up this significant opportunity, but she’ll have to deal with it. Because I can’t go on tour with this play, I’m done.

I sigh to myself as I hear the announcement over the loudspeakers, telling us that there are five minutes to curtain call. I push away the demons for now. Give myself one last look, smile encouragingly, and follow my colleagues to the stage.

****

Ninety minutes, one solo, a duet, and a change of clothes later, I’m standing at the bar of my best friend’s fiancé’s club, Storm. The place is new, just three months old, but it’s already the place to be here in Manhattan.

Tonight, the place is packed with those from my musical. Actors, directors, etc., I’ve dressed the part as always—tight, thigh-length, virgin white dress. My hair is French braided, and my makeup is light. On the outside, I look like a Star. On the inside. . . A. Fuc.king. Mess!

“You were fantastic tonight.”

“Thank you. But you say that every time you see me up there.”

“I’m your best friend; I’m allowed to be proud of you.”

I roll my eyes with a smile on my face.

Raine has always been proud of me. She’s always encouraged every dream I have ever had. It makes me feel like I can do something right in this life.

Raine is so damn pretty, with dark hair, dark eyes, and olive skin. She’s beautiful inside and out, and life had been incredibly cruel to her. One day, everything will be perfect for her. She deserves it more than anyone. Raine is more my sister than my best friend, and I want the best for her.

My parents haven’t come tonight. I told them it wasn’t necessary when they came to opening night. Plus, they’ve seen the play five times already. Somehow, I still thought they’d turn up. My mother is just that kind of woman. She must be having a hard day. I hope she’s okay.

“Don’t roll your eyes at Raine, Jenna.” I chuckle at Sarah. “Jenna was wonderful, wasn’t she, Ben?”

“As ever,” He tips his head graciously with a smile on his lips.

“Thank you, guys.” I let Raine hug me. I need her right now, and I know she needs me.

Her fiancé cheated on her with her big sister, of all things. This is the first time she’s managed to drag herself out of the house. Her whole family has turned against her because she can’t forgive the betrayal.

How is that even fair?

They all blame Raine for the whole thing?

She’s the victim, dammit!

But Raine is strong; she’ll be okay. I know she will.

I hold onto her a little too long because she pulls me closer to her, holding me tightly. She knows something is wrong, but I also know she won’t ask me about it in front of everyone else.

“Later.” Is all she whispers in my ear. I nod my head against her and let go with a smile.

“Have you spoken to Brandon at all today?” I ask Sarah. I haven’t spoken to him; we haven’t spoken in two days. It’s not unusual, but we usually video call every fourth Friday. Sometimes, if Brandon can call sooner, it’s a Sunday. But always every fourth Friday without fail.

I expected his call last night before I went on stage, but it never came. I’ve been worried all day that something terrible might have happened to him out there. I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t bear to lose him. Brandon may only see me as a friend, but he’s much more in my heart.

“Of course, I have. We spoke earlier, just like always,”

Oh, thank God!

Sarah laughs while stroking her baby bump. Benton wraps his arm around her waist and kisses her cheek.

I love how much Benton loves Sarah. There’s no denying that he does; it shines from every pore. But it shines just as much from Sarah how much she loves Benton in return.

I find it fascinating how Brandon calls me every fourth Friday, but he calls his sister every fourth Saturday.

Surely it should be the other way around?

It hurts that Brandon didn’t call me as usual, but at least I know he’s okay. Maybe his girlfriend found out about his calls to me and put a stop to it. I hope not.

Okay, we flirt a little, but it’s only playful, and we’ve never been inappropriate with each other.

“Haven’t you?” I shake my head at Raine and take a sip of my champagne while looking out at the crowd of people. “Don’t worry; he’ll be in touch soon.” I nod as she smiles at me. “I’m going to mingle, babes.”

“Okay, sweetie.”

“You were fabulous tonight,” She hugs me and kisses my cheek. “I love you.”

“I love you more,” I watch her skip off to talk to people.

Raine has never been shy when it comes to meeting new people. I suppose that’s a good thing when you work in the ER, as Raine does. She’s a wonderful Nurse; being three years ahead in all forms of education certainly helped her get to where she is today. But I still believe Raine should have been a Doctor. She’s adamant that she doesn’t want that.

I often wonder what people are thinking while at these kinds of events, like the twenty-something woman standing next to the short, balding fifty-something man.

She may have a smile on her face, but I can tell she’d rather be anywhere than here with him. She’s not his wife; she wears no wedding band or diamond ring, even though he does. He’s not her type, but she’s being paid to be here with him.

I wonder what kind of woman would sell herself as some older man’s date?

I wonder if she has no choice but to do it to make her rent. Or does she do it because her pimp is forcing her to do so?

Will she be sleeping with him tonight for money?

I can’t imagine how low you would have to sink to sleep with men for money. If she sleeps with them. Maybe she gives them oral pleasure. I don’t really want to think about it.

I smile at Carmen, the girl taking over my role as Lori Wright. The director, Rodrigo Milani, tried so hard to talk me into staying with the production. Mainly because he feared my mother would attack him verbally. She has a habit of that when things don’t go her way, she’s not shy to speak her mind.

I made him see that I’d spoken with my mother, and she’d agreed it would be best for me to take time off for a while.

She wasn’t happy, but what could she do?

Mom can’t force me to go to London. Although, she has been trying to change my mind. I kind of think she thought she had. Hence why, I’m going to talk to her again.

Carmen smiles back sweetly. She looks a little like me, with light brown hair, long legs, and green eyes. They chose her because the character I played would still look the same.

The character of Lori Wright is an exotic dancer in love with her best friend’s man. It’s a pretty sad tale of unrequited love, where death soon follows. Lori becomes obsessed with Donovan, the lover of her best friend. He strings Lori along, sleeps with her, and makes her think he will leave Denella, her best friend, for her.

It never happens.

Lori is left for years, believing the man she loves will eventually be hers. Donovan and Denella elope. Lori is left devastated by Donovan’s betrayal. Her plan to take him from Denella ends in Denella’s death. Lori then believes she can be with Donovan. But Donovan has other plans, plans to avenge the woman he loved and their unborn child.

Of course, as you can imagine, it ends very badly.

I loved playing Lori; she was insane. In my opinion, she should have been the lead part, but she wasn’t; Denella was. I could have played Denella, I could have been the heroine, but playing Lori was a blast. I’m really going to miss her.

“... Right?”

“Sorry, what?” I totally missed what Sarah was saying.

“Brandon,”

“What about him?” I ask, confused. She sighs and shakes her head. “I’m sorry, I was miles away.”

“You’re thinking about him? You miss him?”

“No,” I shrug, lying to myself. I do miss him.

How is that even possible?

I met him once for a few days when he was here last year. But those few days were literally the best of my life. Brandon made me feel so happy. So happy that I didn’t think once about my eating disorder or the pain of something I cannot forget.

How can that be possible?

But it was.

I may have been free of my eating disorder for a couple of years, not making myself sick and eating healthily, but it doesn’t change the fact the thought was constantly in my mind.

I think I miss Brandon because he’s become a big part of my life, of my routine. He’s kind of like a drug to me; in a sense, I feel like an addict scraping around for change to buy my next fix when I haven’t spoken to him. As soon as I talk to him, I feel it running through my veins like a powerful drug, calming me, warming me, making me feel invisible.

“You haven’t missed me at all?”

My heart pounds, my legs shake, and my mouth is dry. I know that voice. I know that deep, husky, sexy voice.

I turn to look behind me. “Brandon!”