Protect Me From Myself

Book 3 - Lost - Chapter.1

Welcome to book 3! This is Raine's story. This one is a little longer than the previous 2 and includes talk of neurological conditions I.E Epilepsy. As you may have guessed, these stories contain true life experiences, though some things are dramatized for reading purposes. Enjoy and let me know your thoughts!

Raine

“It's days like this; I wish I'd chosen a different profession,” I mumble.

“I know what you mean.”

“I just can't get my head around something like that.”

I love being a nurse, but sometimes it can be really heartbreaking. Take tonight, for instance, we had a four-month-old baby boy brought into the ER, lethargic and unresponsive. His tiny little body was covered in bruises.

From the information that was sent through, he'd been dropped. Looking at that baby, it was blatantly apparent that he'd been shaken and possibly thrown against a wall.

No amount of training could ever prepare you for something like that. But as much as it tears your heart apart, as angry as it makes you, you have to focus on the task at hand. You have to do everything in your power to help that baby survive.

The sad thing is, you can do all that stuff, but in your heart, you know it's in vain. The baby died. The parents were arrested for child abuse. As much as you feel like a little justice has been done, it doesn't stop the hell you see for months afterward. All the horrible dreams you have and the questions you ask yourself as to how and why someone would want to hurt a child in that way.

I've gone through this twice now, but I think this time it's a little more challenging. It might have something to do with the fact this baby was so young. That poor little mite should have been in his mother's loving arms, not finding his way up to heaven.

Tammy, one of my friends and fellow nurses, and I have been sitting in the coffee shop opposite work for the past fifteen minutes. Neither of us can seem to pull ourselves out of shock. Thankfully, our shifts are over for the night, so we can have a few moments to get our heads around what happened. Not that either of us will for days to come.

“Let's not dwell, Raine. It won't change anything.”

She's right, but how does one block out the death of a baby on your watch? Each time it happens, I pray so hard for a miracle, and sometimes it happens, a miracle, I mean.

But those children, even if they do survive, will never ever be the same again. They'll have so many problems growing up. If I'm ever lucky enough to marry and have children...

No, don't even go there, Raine. It's never going to happen.

“I have to get going; I'm meeting Jenna and Sarah for dinner. Do you want me to give you a ride home in my taxi?” I smile sarcastically.

“No, that's okay; Mario is coming to pick me up.” Mario is her husband. “We could give you a ride. You know it's no trouble.”

“Thank you, but it's okay,” I lean over and kiss her cheek.

Mario and Tammy often give me rides to and from work whenever we're on the same shifts. It's nice of them, but right now, I need to clear my head.

“Tell my sister I'll call round tomorrow.”

Ruth, Tammy's sister, is my roommate. Ruth is a friend but has very different views on life from me. I live life to the fullest. I like to ride my motorcycle fast against the wind. I like to dance like a lunatic while drunk and sleep with whoever takes my fancy at the time while being careful, of course. I'm a free spirit who doesn't let the small things bother me.

Although everything I love, I shouldn't do. Riding a motorcycle, drinking alcohol, etc. Not with my medication. But the way I see it is, you sleep when you're dead. That, and you only live one. You're a long time dead, as my grandmother used to say.

Although I can't deny it is beyond reckless of me to do those things, I could keel over and die because of it. I've never had the normal kind of life all my friends had. I also have never let my illness take over my life. I worked hard to get to where I am, regardless of what was going on inside my head.

I think I have enough time to get home and shower and change before meeting with my besties and their husbands for dinner.

Why am I always the gooseberry?

* * *

“That sounds awful, babe,” Sarah says as she takes my hand across the dinner table and gives it a squeeze of comfort. I sat and explained what happened at work. I needed to get it out; if I kept it in, I'd stress out, which is never good for me.

“It was.” I acknowledge.

My friends always look beautiful in tight dresses and perfectly applied makeup. For women who've had children, you wouldn't see it to look at them. Bitches! And I say that with much affection.

“Anyway, what have you all been up to since I saw you last?”

I have no idea why Jenna bothers meeting up with me these days; she pays no attention to me, or anyone else for that matter. She only has eyes for Brandon, her soon-to-husband, Sarah's big brother. Sarah and Benton, her husband, maybe in love, but at least they acknowledge that I'm in the damn room. I think it's so rude of my best friend, the girl who has been my friend my whole life!

“Earth to Jenna!” I say sarcastically while waving my hand in between her and Brandon.

She turns to look at me and giggles. “Sorry, babe.” I raise my eyebrow.

Sorry? If she says so.

“So?” I motion with my hand for one of them to let me know what's been going on. I haven't seen them in over a week. I've been so busy at the hospital I haven't had time to catch up with them.

“Well, Ben and I are planning a trip to Seattle in a couple of weeks. We're thinking of possibly moving to the Islands.” Sarah says excitedly.

“Wow, that's great.” I smile.

“Brandon and I are going too,” Jenna pipes up as she finally joins in the conversation. “We're going to look at a few properties out there.”

Why, thank you so very fuc.king much, Jenna! Like you couldn't have talked to me about this before now? You raving bit.ch!

Okay, that's a little excessive, but still. What am I, invisible all of a sudden?

“Wow, so my best friends are leaving me, huh? Just make sure you keep in touch.”

Technically, I've known Jenna longer than Sarah; we were in school together. There was once a time when Jenna and I were inseparable until Sarah came along a little over two years ago. Not that I have anything against Sara; I love her to death. But I miss Jenna and the way we used to be.

Both Jenna and Sarah have children. Jenna has a three-year-old boy, Toby. Sarah has a beautiful one-year-old son, Aaron. I envy them both. I'd love a child. One day, at least.

“We're not leaving you, Rai,” Jenna looks me in the eye. “I would never leave you. I just need to be away from here for a while. You can visit any time you like.”

I nod with a slight smile. My job doesn't leave much time for traveling. I work long hours and every day, apart from two a month. But whatever.

“I'd like nothing more than for you to come with us.” Jenna squeezes my hand while holding onto it tightly.

I couldn't move all the way out there with them. My life is here. What life that is, I don't know. It's not like I have anything to keep me here once Jenna is gone. And it's not like I couldn't transfer hospitals. But something is stopping me.

“When are you thinking of making the move?” I had to steer Jenna away from actually asking me to move out there with them outright.

“About a month,” Jenna says apologetically.

Don't let her see how much this is upsetting you, Raine.

And it really is upsetting me. Jenna is really the only family I have left. Without her, I don't know what I'll do.

“Same for me and Ben. Or as soon as he can transfer his business up there. His family will run the offices here for him.”

“Sounds like you've got it all worked out. I'm happy for you all. Just make sure you tell those babies all about their Auntie Raine.”

“Of course we will. And you'll come over for my wedding, right?”

I had no idea Jenna would want to have her wedding there. I also can't believe I didn't see this coming. She's only been saying how she wants to move there for the past two years. Ever since Sarah mentioned it, Jenna has been wanting to go too.

If I'm honest, I'm hurt that they'd make plans to move so far away without talking to me about it; we're best friends! I guess I thought they had more respect for me than to plan everything and tell me when they've already decided. Because it is very evident they have been talking about this for months behind my back.

Do I mean nothing to them?

Regardless...

“Wouldn't miss it.”

AN: So a little FYI. It took me until 4 a.m to retrieve this file. Why? Because some spiteful A-hole who I will only refer to as He-who-shall-not-be-named thought it would be funny to delete all of my work from my laptop and memory stick. I managed to get everything back, but this story was permanently deleted! However, luckily for me, I am computer savvy and managed to reverse what he had done. It took me 12 hours, but I got there! So, note to self, remain single until I die!