Stryker

11 - She wasn't unwanted by me

Coral

I never expected my life to be this good when I returned to Tennessee. I never thought I’d come home and meet my soulmate, but I did. Stryker is my soulmate, and there is no doubt in my mind that he is.

I never thought I could be this happy. I never thought a biker of all men would turn out to be the one. I can't see my future without him in it. I can see our wedding day and the birth of our first child.

Does that make me stupid at my age?

I don’t care if it does. I’m a simple woman, and I don’t want much in this life, but I do want a family of my own. After losing my little girl when I was just a little girl myself, all I have thought about is having another child. I know that’s crazy, but losing her left a massive hole in my life that I’ve never been able to fill.

Don’t get me wrong, I never want to replace the little girl I was forced to give away; I just want to be able to have a child and hold it close to me, knowing their father loves me and that I will never have to let that baby go as long as I live.

I pray the day comes when my daughter will find me, and I’ll be able to tell her everything I have held in my heart for her since the day I found out I was pregnant with her. I don’t care that I went through hell at the hands of the man who fathered her. I don’t care that I suffered in ways I still haven’t recovered from because she is a part of me, the best part.

I had no idea it would still hurt this much eight years later. I’ve often wondered what she looks like now. I wonder what color her eyes would be; I know she’d be blonde like me; she was born with tufts of blonde hair, nothing like the monster who fathered her.

I know in my heart that she inherited nothing from that pig. I don't know how I know; I just do. When I held her after she was born, even though my mother didn’t want me to, I knew she’d be nothing like him. Holding her filled my heart with love, a love I hope I passed on to her.

I wonder if she’s smart like me, if she does well in school, and if she has lots of friends. I imagine her sometimes playing on her bike or laughing with her family. Then I think about her calling someone else Mommy, and it kills me inside because I will never hear her call me that.

I remember holding her all the time in the week I was allowed to keep her. It didn’t register in my mind at the time how sad my parents were, knowing I’d had that monster’s child at just thirteen years of age. Hell, I hadn’t been thirteen long when my baby was born. However, I felt like a grown woman.

God, I loved that little girl and wanted to show everyone how beautiful she was. However, my parents never told anyone I was even pregnant, so no member of our family nor friends ever got to meet my little girl.

Don’t get me wrong, my parents weren’t cruel, and they bought my baby clothes, diapers, bottles – my mother said I was too young to breastfeed – formula, and all those little things to keep her safe and warm. My mother would watch me bathe my baby, sing to her, feed her, and love her so hard that I thought my heart would burst. She was proud of me for that.

However, I remember so clearly, four days after my baby girl’s birth, how I climbed out of bed to use the bathroom. My baby slept in my room in a Moses basket. She was fast asleep, and I couldn’t help but smile at her while stroking her head. ‘I love you so much, Elisha. No one in the world could love you more.’ I kissed her head and took myself to the bathroom.

On the way back to my room, I heard my parents talking. They were in the den. My mother was crying, my father shushing her for fear of waking Cindy and me, not to mention the baby.

It hurt my heart to hear her so upset, but it killed me to listen to the words coming from her mouth.

‘I can’t do this, Colin. I know I promised Coral that she could keep the baby, but I can’t bear to have that child in my house a moment longer.’

‘It’s okay, Dawn, I know it’s hard, but it will kill Coral if we do this.’

‘Kill her? You don’t think it’s killing me?’

My heart was pounding. I may have had a child that I loved more than life itself; I may have felt very grown up, someone’s mother, but the truth was, I was still a frightened little girl.

‘You think I want to punish my daughter for something that wasn’t her fault?’

‘No, I don’t think you want that, sweetheart.’

‘She’s thirteen, Colin. She can’t possibly know the hardship of having a child. If she keeps that baby, she’ll ruin her life. We have plans for her, Colin, I won’t let Coral ruin her life like this.’

I knew right then that they were going to take my baby away from me, and I swear, my heart cracked in places it has never recovered from.

‘What do you want me to do, Dawn? You want me to snatch that little girl from her mother’s arms? The little girl you can’t bring yourself even to say the name of?’

‘Because every time I look at her, all I see is that monster and what he did to my little girl!’

I didn’t really understand my mother’s heartbreak back then. I didn’t know why she couldn’t bring herself to even look at my baby. She never once said her name, never touched her, even when I asked if she’d like to hold her. It would make me cry because I wanted everyone to love her as much as I did.

But only Cindy ever smiled at my baby and told her that she loved her. She was just ten years old, but she loved my daughter and wanted to hold her all the time, and I let her because at least someone cared.

‘I want you to call Shepard, Colin. Have him come here and take the baby. I don’t want to hurt Coral, but she’ll understand that it’s best for the child if she lives with a family who can give her everything she deserves. We can’t do that here, not when I resent her more and more each day that goes by.’ My mother said.

‘It’s not that baby’s fault that her father did what he did. She’s innocent, Dawn.’

‘I know that, Colin, believe me, I know, and I don’t want her growing up thinking we don’t love her. It’s not that I don’t; I do; she’s part of us, just as Coral is. But Coral and the baby deserve more than this. They both need looking after. Coral is my child, Colin. I need to take care of her.’

I shut out their words after that. My heart was breaking; nothing would mend it, and as I sat on my bed with my baby in my arms, I let myself cry. I cried so hard my mother and father came running into the room. The second I looked at them, it registered in both their minds that I’d heard them.

‘Mommy, please don’t take her away from me.’ I wailed while pulling my baby closer to my chest. She was such a good baby; she hardly ever cried, and I took such good care of her. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t a good enough mother in my own mother’s eyes.

I know that wasn’t the case now, but it hurt so much.

My mother sat beside me on my bed, tears falling from her blue eyes as she stroked the back of my head. ‘I’m not doing this to hurt you, Coral. That is the last thing I want, but you’re just a child. You can’t take care of her permanently. You have school. Daddy and I have to work. We can’t afford to pay someone to take care of her while we’re not here. She needs a family who can always be there for her.’

I turned my eyes to my daughter and kissed her head as she sucked on her tiny little pacifier, her little jaw moving up and down now and again.

My father crouched down in front of me, his hand on my face, drawing my vision to him. ‘You are a wonderful mother, Coral. We know how much you love this little girl, and I know you want what’s best for her, don’t you?’

I nodded my head.

The truth was, I did want what was best for Elisha. I thought then that maybe I wasn’t what was best for her. I couldn’t afford to buy her the things she deserved. I couldn’t have saved money for her to go to college. I’d never have been able to finish school, which meant I’d never get into college and couldn’t get a job worth anything. We’d end up poor and in some dump of a place to live because I knew my parents would never afford to be able to keep us indefinitely. Which meant my daughter wouldn’t have the kind of childhood she deserved.

Even at the age of thirteen, I knew no child should ever have to grow up like that. Cindy and I had a good childhood. We weren’t rich, but we had everything we needed.

How would I be able to give my baby the same?

My heart hurt so much, but I knew they were right, Elisha deserved more. She deserved a family who could give her everything I couldn’t. I had to do what was best for my daughter. So that’s what I did, and it didn’t matter how much it hurt me to do so.

‘You will make sure they’re nice people, won’t you? I don’t want her to go to people who won’t love her the way I do.’

‘They’ll be the best there is, Coral, I promise you that.’

‘How long do I have left with her?’ I swallowed back a sob. I could see the pain in my father’s eyes. It was hurting him to see me so upset.

‘I’ll call Shepard in the morning. He’ll let us know. But not much longer, baby girl. I don’t want to hurt you, but the longer we drag this out, the harder it will be to let go.’

I nodded and said no more. My parents left my room, and I sobbed my heart out, holding my baby girl close to me all night long.

Shepard came a few days later. I kept a smile on my face as I showed my baby off to him and BlackJack. They held her and told me how beautiful she was, which meant the world to me.

Shepard sat me down and told me what was about to happen. I got the feeling he thought I didn’t know; I could see the anger in his eyes toward my parents because of it.

It might have been because I was acting like I didn’t know. I thought if I let it in, I’d crack and never be the same again.

Shepard was good to me and told me that Elisha was going to the best family he could find. He knew them; they were good people and had plenty of money, so she’d never go without the things she'd need. She’d go to the best schools and an excellent college and have a wonderful life.

He even told me that one day, when my daughter was ready, she’d come looking. He’d make sure her new parents told her where to find him and that once she had, he’d send her in my direction, and I have held onto that promise for eight long years. I know I have at least ten more before she’ll even be told about me.

The trouble is, if they don’t tell her from an early age that she was adopted, she might not understand why they’ve blown her life apart.

Will she ever understand why I did what I did?

I can only hope that the letter I wrote and handed to Shepard for him to give to Elisha’s new parents ends up in her hands when she’s old enough to read it, of course.

If she does read it, she’ll know why I did what I did. I left nothing out of that letter but my name. Shepard told me not to put that down. I still don’t understand why.

I love you, Elisha. Mommy has always loved you, and one day, we’ll be together again. When that day comes, I will hold you so close to me and tell you just how much I love you, how I never stopped thinking about you, and how I will never let you go again.