Breaking Her Walls

░Five░

SOPHIA

AGE: 20

"Dad, I want to go to China." I announce.

He looks up from his paperwork, the mehrab (prostration mark) on his forehead makes me feel guilty about the person I have become. Never in his wildest dreams would he and Mama have thought that their daughter would turn out to be this.

His brows furrow, concern etched on his face.

"China? Why?"

I move around in my seat, move my legs up till one of my ankle touches my knee and run a hand though my boy-cut hair.

"They have this awesome University and there are all kinds of things there. All the subjects and then training." I smile, showing all my teeth. "It's girls-only. I really really want to go, daddy."

"You're only twenty, baby." He says and I roll my eyes.

Only and twenty don't go together.

"You always say that we should never stop dreaming. Are you going to come between me and my dream?" I challenge.

He sighs. "You don't even speak mandarin. What are going to do there?"

"Ni Hao." I say and raise my eyebrows in challenge.

He makes a noise in the back of his throat, as if he desperately didn't want me to know how to speak Mandarin.

"It takes more than just two words. It's your age to get married, not go to China and train."

I make a face. "Don't ever talk about marriage, dad. I'm never getting married. Never."

He makes a 'tch tch' sound. "If your mum heard you say that, she will kick us both out of the house."

I smile genuinely. Dad's the best. He always takes my side.

"So are you going to let me go?" I ask.

"I'll think about it. Go do your work now." He ushers me away.

I roll my eyes and walk away.

•••

All day long I look up the university programs and my dreams just keep rising and rising. It feels good to know that I have something I want to do in life.

I've never studied hard. I didn't have something I was interested in. Sure, world history and sociology are good subjects but I don't want to make a career out of any of them.

Training seems like a great idea. I've been going to the gym with Saad for about two years now. I'm all toned up. In fact, I'm pretty muscular since half of my day is spent in the gym.

I think I do it mostly because it keeps my mind off of things. I like the feeling of working out so much that all I can do after that is sleep and not think.

It's been years now and I'm still not happy. I never will be. I've given up hope. Better yet, I don't believe in hope.

Hope just destroys you.