Til Death Do Us Part

60

“Sometimes. You were efficient, good at your job, and cold, but the evidence of your love was in everything you did for us. The gap that you left behind. I’m sorry I didn’t recognise it when it mattered.”

If this isn't real, he’s hitting it hard with the regret and redemption game, and I keep swinging between emotions. I'm not sure whether I should trust him and rethink what happened that night and see this all as a ploy. He has me so messed up in the head that I can’t trust my judgement, and there’s an urge in me to ask him straight if he tampered with the car.

“And you… were you like this? Have you changed?” I ask as though it’s genuine curiosity in a bid to move us on and control my impulses. “Did you spend this kind of time with me and do these things?”

“I haven’t changed, just the face I showed you did. Maybe I’ve matured stopped being so two dimensional in my outlook, but the inner me is still the same. I guess like you. You seem different in so many ways, but the girl I grew up with is what I see again, so I guess you just changed your face too. Do people ever really change? Or do we just take off masks?”

Another tense silence as we think about his words, and I break the intense heaviness.

“What if I never remember? Are you going to keep me prisoner and refuse to set me free? Stay married to a guy I don’t know at all.” I skip around a lamppost, and we’re split up for a few seconds as two men walk between us before we come back together. He reaches out, catches me by the elbow and tugs me in beside him as more people push our way, and they have to walk around us instead. Making it clear he didn’t like us being separated and acting protective when one walks too near to me. He pulls me behind him by the sleeve and then to his other side, away from the busiest part of the sidewalk and away from the traffic edge. Putting me on his right and keeping me close.

“Then maybe it’s a chance to start over, and who knows…. maybe you’ll fall for me all over again. Only this time, by choice.” He half-smiles as though it’s a joke, but there’s a seriousness in his eye that makes my blood run cold, and my stomach drops harshly. An instant fear ripples inside me, and I don’t like it. It feels sinister instead of sweet, and I wonder at what plan he could have for wanting me glued to his side all over again.

Maybe OLO needs me back, and this way, he could ensure I never challenge him for his position. Win me over, bring me home, put me back where I was like the last two years never happened. Fool me into loving him again because he realised OLO didn’t run without me.

“How do you know I don’t already love someone?” I ask in a knee jerk fashion, hiding behind questions because he’s unsettled me. Internally running away because I don’t want this.

Jyeon stops dead in the street and almost has someone collide with him from behind, who curses him out and walks around. He is entirely oblivious, though, and turns to me.

“That asshole from the diner? The hero who didn’t know how to mind his own f*****g business. Is that what you’re implying?” His tone changes completely, and the cold and hateful him I used to see every day shows face. Only I don’t feel it’s aimed at me but at the memory of Tom. A bristling show of what I could mistake as jealousy if I didn’t know better. He’s riled up for sure and no longer playing nice.

“Maybe. Why?” I answer blandly and move to walk off, but he catches me by the wrist and tugs me back to him, so I almost trip over my own feet and end up grabbing his arm to steady myself. Startled by the spark of electricity in the air and the seriously pissed off look aimed my way.

“What do you see in an asshole like that? What can he offer you that I can’t? Is that what you want? Some shitty small-town existence with a nobody that makes you live like that and throw away everything you have?” His tone is fierce and reminiscent of the night we last fought. Oblivious to the irony in his words. Emotion heavy and simmering rage bubbling inside of him.

“What are you doing right now? What is this? Why are you being this way?” I pull away and step back, but he follows me with a step forward and catches my hand and holds it tight. Moving so close, his nose is an inch from mine. Not letting me go and intimidating me completely.

“Are you and him really a thing? That loser? Did you ask him to wait for you? Is that the plan? Divorce me and go running back to a life with him?” Jyeon’s voice sounds torn up, and his energy drastically changes from warmth to iciness. Riling my inner temper that he would act this way.

“What’s it got to do with you? I don’t even know you. What right do you have to question me about my love life when you sat an hour ago and admitted you cheated on me and threw me away? You’re a f*****g hypocrite. Do you think you own me? Because we never divorced? Screw you.” I yank my arm free and turn on my heel, seething inside but trying to hold it together and not explode at him for this ridiculousness. Overcome with this violent rage that bubbles like molten lava, and I want to turn around and rip his head clean from his throat.

Jyeon follows me at speed, catching me with an arm around my waist as he slides up beside me and turns us both to traffic lights. He no longer cares about keeping his hands to himself or what’s proper contact between us and only sees red. He hurries us in the direction he chooses as I struggle to remove his arm from my body, but he speeds us up, so I can’t. Pulling me and keeping me locked against him like a prisoner.

“Let me go. Are you deaf? What the hell are you doing?” I snap at him, pushing his side and arm to free myself, but he marches us to the spot where he left the car and pulls me around like a ragdoll to the passenger door. There’s no gentleness anymore, only a very pissed off bigger guy, and I’m the focus of all that testosterone.

The street here is dark from the lack of street lights. The car is in a tight alley because parking is hard to find in this area, and no one is nosey enough to look this way. I get a glimmer of fear that maybe this was a stupid idea and this man maybe tried to off me two years ago.

He spins me around, so my back is pushed against the door with slight force but not enough to wind me, where he cages me in and leans into me, so I have no choice but to lean back into the hunk of metal. In my face, my space and sharing my air as he towers over me and makes it clear I’m not going anywhere.

“Move. Get out of my way.” My voice shakes and trembles, and I’m breathless as my legs turn to Jell-O. Losing the fight because I’m genuinely afraid.

Jyeon stares at me good and hard for a few seconds so that I feel myself sliding down to escape the intensity. Slumping, trying to withdraw, until I can’t catch my breath. Steeling myself for an argument and preparing myself for battle.

Jyeon knocks the wind out of my sails entirely by sweeping forward, catching my neck and jawline with one hand, so he moulds his palm against my now cool skin and kisses me hard on the lips. It comes out of nowhere. Glueing us together, so my nose is crushed against the side of his, and he forcefully presses us that way while my head explodes. My body is pinned under his as he rests his weight against me, and his other hand cups my hip to get as close as possible.

It's a closed mouth, nothing kiss, yet it creates goosebumps all over my body as my heart and mind collide in chaos, and I can’t seem to pull away. Remembering his taste, the feel of him this way, and I stand with my arms aside, hands loosely open and yet no resistance. My body is sizzling in response, yet its softness is more powerful than any force of nature.

We stand motionless that way, and I’m too dazed to react as his soft, warm mouth perfectly sits against mine, keeping us still before he slowly pulls away and gazes at me. Nose to nose, crackling of static in the air, yet the total energy between us is no longer fierce. It’s heavy and emotional and charged with something that’s clawing at my chest. His breathing and mine instantly laboured, and he furrows his brows as he gazes deeply into my eyes.

“Because I can’t let you go. I tried….. I went through hell when I realised that I had lost you and might never be able to see you again. That I f****d everything up, and I would never be able to undo the mess I made or get to do this ever again. Never get to see you, hear you, watch you from afar, or have you any part of anything anymore. That I would never be able to tell you how sorry I was, how much I regretted everything…….. That I loved you, Sohla, even when I hated you….. that I love you still.”

Everything stops. My breathing, heartbeat, the noise, and movements of the world around us. The air. The ability to think or feel, to react, or blink.

Just three little words I needed so many times in the entirety of my life from him, so desperately. Words I knew I would never get and gave up expecting.

And he gives them to me when I don’t even want them anymore.