Til Death Do Us Part

57

“Watch your step.” Jyeon reaches out for me as we walk down a dark shadowy staircase, and I pull my arm away, so he doesn’t get a chance of touching6. I walk faster and skip ahead down two steps at a time, knowing exactly where this is but acting dumb.

If I thought I had seen everything so far and could suss him out, then the barefaced audacity of where he’s brought me has blown my mind. He’s going the whole hog trying to paint us as something we never were. Wading full steam into sentimentality by bringing us to a place I have stepped foot only once.

The lights come on as I step into the vast, spacious banquet hall that belongs to OLO. A private function room under one of our buildings that held our wedding ceremony for family, friends, and business partners. The so-called happiest and most important day of our life. He’s going in with the big guns, and I have to curb my instant attitude and urge to laugh at this ridiculousness.

“What is this… a party hall?” I try to sound normal while I wander away from him. Pained by the memories of this room but refusing to allow myself to feel it and let my eyes wander the endless tables with their satin draped chairs and white linens. It’s kept ever ready for events and has soft lighting and fake foliage artistically draped all around. It’s upmarket, well-styled and oozes luxury.

“We got married here. Everyone we knew and cared about all came to celebrate with us. We stood over there, where they set up an altar, and we said our vows.” He points over my shoulder and ahead to a spot in the corner that has a raised stage, something I remember clearly and stupidly had so much hope in my heart on that day.

“I see.” I move away from his arm that lingers dangerously close to resting on me. “You said our relationship sucked…. that you didn’t marry me for love. Was this actually a happy day? Would I remember it as such? It doesn’t seem familiar or sparks any joy…unlike the gut feeling of dislike I get for you.” I turn with a frosty tone and pin a gaze right on him, waiting for the lies. Hitting him with veiled insults.

Jyeon exhales slowly and heavily and drops his arm by his side, and he doesn’t answer but motions to the nearest table as though suggesting we sit. Ignoring my ever-present defensive dislike and doesn’t seem to bite at all.

“There’s a lot we should talk about…. maybe this is the perfect place to do it. It was a start for us. Clear the air, address why you maybe feel like you shouldn’t give me the time of day. I guess subconsciously, you remember things your mind doesn’t.” He walks past me and pulls out the nearest high back chair, waiting patiently for me with a strained expression. I hesitate a moment before moving to slide into it, sitting while he pushes me in and then comes around to sit at the other side, so we face one another directly. Tensing up because I knew this had to happen sooner or later. The confrontation.

“Was it? A happy day?” I repeat in a calm tone to keep the subject on track, and sit back, trying to remain blank and curious, rather than riled and affected by this building and what it symbolises. Jyeon relaxes to mirror my pose.

“Was it happy? It’s not that clear cut. I never wanted it, and neither did you. We caved because we were obedient children raised to do so….. but it wasn’t unhappy either. We have a complicated dynamic, Sohla. I knew it was inevitable once we got to this point, so I tried to embrace what was a new start for us and accept you would be my future. I let go of regrets and thoughts of getting out of it and focused on having a happy event. Focused on being a husband and President of our company.” Jyeon frowns off into the ample space and looks around as though he, too, is reliving flashes of the past as I am. The dress I wore, the way this place filled with glamorous people, and the ambience of chatter and happy laughter. We fooled everyone into believing we were in love that day… and he fooled me.

“I did so many things that I regret. I wronged you on so many levels through our childhood and even our marriage…… I’m ashamed of it all. I hate looking back and seeing the mistakes I made, especially when I couldn’t make them up to you anymore.” Jyeon’s face loses all hints of that icy and controlled man I know, and there’s sadness and a soft shadowy warmth that appears under it all. Reminiscent of the boy who would wipe away my tears and chase away his friends when they were being too rough and tumble with a more petite feminine me. I hate that my feelings for him are tied up together in so many complex ways, and he confuses me so that I never know how to feel or whether I should believe him.

I remember that day so well. The switch in him once we could no longer fight it and refuse. Our parents got us to the aisle, and it was game over. It’s like he was resigned to the fact his parents would never change their mind, and for a while, that boy I loved showed face. He let down his wall, he took off his armour, and we seemed pretty joyful about our vows that day. It was our first kiss, the first kiss at all for both of us, and it was not an awful memory or even an awkward one. Jyeon kissed me like he meant it, committed to what was now a done deal, and gave me stupid hope that from then on, we would be okay.

“So what happened? You said you hurt me? That I did what I did because of you.” I cut into my thoughts with a harsh reminder of reality. I want to remind myself that Sohla died at his hands. I want to hear him say it and admit to it to justify my anger and hostility towards him.

My heart’s hammering in my chest at what this trip is turning into, but I feel like he owes me some of his inner thoughts from the last decade of my life. Even if he embellishes and twists them, he never shared anything with me, ever. We only ever had conversations about work or family, never about us. I never really knew what was going on inside his head.

Jyeon says nothing for a long moment and stares at the table between us, running his thumb over the cotton as he thinks through his words before answering. A trait born of working in OLO. Always think about what you say before incriminating yourself. I, too, used to be this way.

“I didn’t keep my vows. I didn’t think about you as a woman…… or what you did for all of us. I saw you as a burden and someone to take half the responsibility for our family’s legacy. I didn’t think of you as a wife or someone I should cherish and protect, and I let you carry a lot more than I should. I saw you as someone to rival me, in my role, I guess.” Jyeon lifts his chin and looks straight at me, his brow furrowed, and there’s genuine regret in his eyes.

I swallow hard and look to the table instead, trying not to show him any hint of how his words just sucker punched me in the gut. I thought he would tell me he cheated and that would be it. It's the last confession I expected. I wasn’t expecting something deeper.

“You don’t remember, but I do. So many things, so many times…… where I misunderstood you and your intentions. You were a force like no other, Sohla, and you intimidated me. You made me feel inadequate. You were an impenetrable cold fortress, and you didn’t seem human after a while. You took the incoming and made it all disappear effortlessly, so it never touched any of us…. Something I didn’t learn until my shield was gone…. I threw away your love and care, and I betrayed you with another woman….. because I thought I hated you. Something I regret, even now.” Jyeon’s voice breaks after getting raspier with every word and seemingly having to force them out. His posture slumps and I can tell he’s finding this hard to share this way. He was never a talker. Especially not with me. And I’m struck dumb that he’s seemingly opening up.

I’m stunned like he gripped my heart and tugged it tight, and tears hit the back of my eyes. I try so hard to swallow them down and tell myself he’s learned how to manipulate people in two years, and that’s all this is. It’s not real, and I shouldn’t soften over this bullshit. It’s a way to bring my guard down and convince the version of me he sees that he’s a good guy now.