Til Death Do Us Part

37

“Oh no, no… go right ahead. God, no. Don’t mind me. I’ll be your silent caregiver and sit over there and read a book. I don’t have anything to do today anyway, as the restaurant’s shut. Just you know, wave, and I’ll jump to it.” She waves her hands and then thumbs towards a chair in the corner as though to tell me where she’ll be.

There’s bubbly infectious energy about this girl, and I like it. She reminds me of Yoonah when he was younger, only somehow with a mature ability about her and far less clingy. I wish I’d known someone like her growing up and had a friend that resembled her. Although if we’re the same age, it feels like I’m about ten years older in maturity. I nod and force a smile that isn’t meant and close my eyes in the hopes she walks away to give me space.

I hear her footsteps move off and then the creak of a chair and the scuffs of a book being opened and flicked through. I sigh with relief and relax into my comfortable mattress.

I listen to the beeps and hums of the machines carrying on around me and lay as still as possible, just happy to not hurt as much. Now I’m fully awake and compos mentis, I have nothing else to do but think. They’ve doped me on pain relief for my minor wounds and a significant headache, and I do feel sleepy, but everything is churning up inside. I can’t calm my restless thoughts. I’ve been out cold for so much of the day that my brain is jumping to activity.

I nearly died.

Not once, but twice.

I just went through a real ordeal that no longer even feels like it happened. It’s a dream and hazy memories of something so far-fetched that if someone told me, I’d think they were lying. I’m lucky to be alive against the odds, and it is a miracle I’m here. I can replay it a hundred times in my head, and I still don’t know how I managed to get through it. I can’t connect to it as reality anymore.

It feels like I’ve been given a second chance at life, and I shouldn’t waste it. A sign I should change something and undo the mess and unhappiness of my existence. It’s shaken me up, and even though I am in no fit state to do anything about it, I’m filled with enthusiasm and willpower to overhaul everything.

I regret so much, and I don’t know how to keep in these vast emotions that start warming up my body and aching against my ribs like a pressure that needs to be released. I don’t know what it is about surviving a near-death experience, but I’m overcome with a wave of emotion and relief and this deep appreciation for still being able to breathe. A euphoric need to live my life to the fullest from this second on and stop wasting time on what hurts.

My eyes brim with tears, and I swallow it down as I think through all the events of the last month and watch like a bystander. All the memories in my head are as though they are happening to someone else. Ashamed of my behavior and the way I handled all of it. I can see the wrong choices and swallow hard at the things that dragged me down further into hell. Pained by the brimming of stuff to the surface and laying here wondering what would happen if I didn’t reach out and tell them where I was.

I told my parents I wished it would all stop, and I could just disappear, and this feels a lot like they granted my wish.

This is a one-in-a-million chance.

Jyeon would be happier if I never came back. And even if it seems like he’s being cruel and intentionally hurting me, I know he just wants us both to find our happiness.

If I had died that night, then it would all just stop. Just like I wanted. The divorce, the fights, the agony, the need to rip him down and take away the one thing that he found for himself in the mess of our marriage. Mother couldn’t blame me anymore, and Yoonah would stop hiding behind me and stand on his own two feet. It would have been the perfect solution for all of us. I could have let it go and not dealt with anything anymore.

If I weren’t there anymore, OLO would become Jyeon’s sole responsibility, and maybe he would realize how much I did. How many hits I took for him, how many times I sacrificed myself for OLO and his mental state. Maybe he would stop hating me and remember only the good things about me and the times we shared that weren’t all bad. For that alone, I could consider never going back. Just to have him think of me fondly even once.

He could move on and forget everything and focus on going forward on his own without this black cloud of vengeance hanging over us. I would never have to look at him and her together ever again, but all would be right in their world. Jyeon could maybe have the life I always hoped I could give him. I don’t hate him for what he’s done because I too am to blame for where we ended up. I’m not innocent in all of this.

They all would realize that I was the spine that kept our family firm, the glue that held us together, but that all I did was make it harder for any of them to function by themselves. That I worked my butt off and never got anything in return, but I chose to make it that way. I was only sneered at and treated like I was always the problem while solving all of theirs because I let them. I pulled inwards, closed off, and created an icy shield of competence … choosing it over warmth and affection. It was my way of loving them all. I never once explained anything to Jyeon and instead presented him with an emotionless and cold persona who could take all the weight of his life but never once offered him a hug.

They would stop blaming me and maybe miss me a little, but they would be forced to take control of their own bullshit. Their responsibilities. Instead of always laying everything at my feet. Masters of their own lives. For the first time in a decade.

I could be free….

Maybe not forever, but just a little while. I’m not that selfish to make them live thinking I’m dead. It would be like a break…. not long term.

So I can breathe.

A time-out.

I wouldn’t let them suffer indefinitely. Maybe just a few days while I’m in here, or a week, or two more, perhaps a month. How long would it take for them to make fundamental changes in how we all live. If I go back now, nothing will change, and I’ll pick up where I left off and have to face the war I no longer want to fight. I was already losing it. Jyeon was slipping out of my fingers long before this affair.

If I wait, Jyeon will leave with his woman, start a new life, assign my most stressful roles in OLO to others, and Mother will not have any choice but to accept it… while I too, take this time to try and make peace with it in my heart. So I can go back and learn how to live without him before figuring out what position I’ll have in OLO with him still there. I should do that for him, for me, for us both to stop hurting.

It’s a rare opportunity that I shouldn’t let pass by. No one knows who I am, and it seems I’m far enough away from where I came from that no one will have a clue to look at me. I’m well known in the city, but here I’m no one. Animosity and a fresh start. I could handle a month. Figure out finances, stay somewhere, or get a job. A little time to properly stop and evaluate all of it.

I can rest and take my time and recharge because I need it. Then I can figure out what to do and how to go back so it won’t be the same, and I don’t slot back into the same old and keep living that miserable existence. Maybe get my own apartment, cut my hours with work, and do less as a whole. Find my own life, make real friends, and somehow mend some bridges with Jyeon. To let them work it out on their own. I don’t think any of them have ever done it.

I’ve always been there.

I don’t think there has ever been a real moment in my life where I wasn’t connected in some way to all of them, even when doing my studies and going to finishing school. There was always contact and pressure and visits home. This could be a much-needed complete blackout. Nothing of them holding me down, and I could figure out who I am and what I want. I don’t think I have ever tried to do that before. All my dreams as a child, where did they go?

I can figure out if I ever loved Jyeon or was just so conditioned to think for him, act for him, sacrifice for him. I could make decisions for myself with no other input or reasoning. Nothing to interfere with. No one else to worry about or care for. Just me. And what I need for once.

My eyes flicker open again, and I glance across at the girl with her face stuck in the book, squinting to watch her dark brows over the edge and wonder if she would help me. She has something about her that makes me think she wouldn’t turn me down. She seems like someone I could trust. I owe her and could make it worth her while once I got back home, so maybe she would do it.

“For a little while, would it be okay if I said I didn’t remember who I was?” I probe softly, not even sure what I’m asking her, but I know that I’m broke, lost in a strange place, and she’s already been my hero once. Everything that I had was in that car, and if I try and access my bank accounts or anything, it will flag up, and they will come looking. I won’t stay hidden for long if I do that.

“Huh?” She glances up, lowering her book, which seems to be a business study manual on accounting.

“Do you need my permission, or are you telling me that you don’t know who you are?” She squints at me and seems to think through the question.

“I don’t know who I am.” I lie, and even to my ears, it sounds unconvincing. I curse myself for not being able to act in front of this girl when I feel this shitty about doing it. It seems her being my savior has given me a massive case of guilt. It’s a new feeling for me when it comes to a complete stranger.

She stands up and walks to me, strays to my side and stares at me long and hard with a pensive expression, and chews on her bottom lip. Absurdly cute for a girl in her mid-twenties.

“I see…… I guess someone with no name and no memory… who might or might not be famous or on the run, might need someplace to lay her head down when she gets out of here. And a friend she might come to trust.” She lifts a brow at me, a face like an open book and no hint of deception. The tears well back up on me unexpectedly with her response. I swallow hard. Grateful all over again, even though it’s clear she knows I’m not suffering from amnesia. I nod, unable to speak at all. Blown away by the endlessness of this girl’s kindness.

“My name’s Greta…. Greta Tarry.” She holds out her hand in a very formal fashion, and when I make no move to take it, she picks up my wrist and thrusts her hand in mine. Shaking it once and then keeps it held tight, her thumb coming to stoke over mine gently. “I don’t know what happened to you or why, and I won’t ask unless you wanna tell me, but I have a feeling I should give you a break. I could use a girl to wait tables and wash dishes for room and board. I don’t pay well, and sometimes it’s slow and empty, but I have a room, and life here can be lonely when you’re a girl from the wrong side of the tracks who has no family. I could use the company.”

I start to tremble a little as I’m overwhelmed with her words, and real tears warmly roll down my cheeks. Sensing that I should trust her and lean on her for a little while, seeing as the opportunity is here. I feel like in all the people in the world I ever met, maybe this one might be good for me.

She knows nothing about me, expects nothing from me, and yet she’s reaching out and offering me a lifeline without even knowing what I could give her in return. I didn’t know people could be like this. That there were humans in this world who were so selfless. That I could have someone to lean on again, after being the one who supported everyone all on my own.

“No name, get some rest. Don’t worry about a thing. I’ll talk to the doc, and ….. just don’t worry about it, okay. Sometimes we just need a little mental break to get things in order. Greta here; she’s been that girl. I’ve been through some really tough times, and we call this paying it forward.” She pats herself on the chest and smiles at me in a wise street kid, kind of a way that breaks me down further. She has old eyes, deep in the depths of their blue color. Like she’s lived through something and seen a lot, and I feel a connection despite her childish, tomboy persona.

“You have this overwhelming sad story aura, and I’m a nosy b***h that would like to know it eventually. Just can’t help myself. This town is small and a good place to figure things out. We’re off-season, so we don’t get much traffic in terms of tourists, but it’s a simple life by the sea. No one asks questions, and I think everyone could do with some time out here while finding their feet.”

I sniff as tears overtake me, and I nod. It sounds like it’s exactly what I need, and yet despite the whopping weight of guilt inside of me for letting my family think I’m gone, I don’t have the ability to go back there either. Not yet. I want to be selfish for once in my life and do something that maybe no one would understand, but it’s for my sanity.

I tell myself this will only be for a little while, and then I’ll do it. I'll call them; I'll go home. I'll start over, and I’ll fix everything. In my own way, without pressure from mother or my responsibilities, but in a way that’s best for all of us. Especially Jyeon.

It’s not forever. It’s not to hurt them. It’s for me. If I just forget who I am and where I came from for a little while, then maybe I can go back as someone else when I’m ready.