book one of three. healing journey after being in a one sided situationship with a narcissist and the manipulation patterns.

1st half of story: He was Charming charismatic Materialistic and superficial Controlling Rugged and handsome Impulsive Adventourous Boasted about his loyalty morals Appeared to be a loving doted single father. Claiming his boys were his world. Secretive Condescending Manipulative Calculated Desirable and attractive Had unprotected s*x with multiple partners bragged about playing the field and how many gils he had but still claimed to not be a “player” when thats exactly what he ended up being. Always spoke openly about money and how much he made almost done in a way that made me feel less then or inadequate.. Always talked about therapy and the hours he spent in it trying to understand empathy. Used it against me almost to show he knows how to spot someone toxic. That i was the narcissist as he told me and pointed out very early on in the relationship. Constantly told me i was crazy and emotionally unstable and that i desperately needed to see a physciatrist. Always claimed to be honest about his behavior with other girls and used it against me to manipulate me with it later saying i knew what this was and that i didnt have a right to be upset. I was the crazy one. I was the toxic one. I was the unstable one. Told me i was the only female that ever made him feel so much frustration… that i was the only female that its ever been like this with. It was always my fault. No matter what i confronted him with. He never took accountability and always told me ki was the one causing problems and making drama. He said that is what made it so easy to walk away from me and drop me from his life. Even if i was reacting to something he said or did. He’d say i was over reacting. Over thinking. And that i cared about trivial things. Told me that im too sensitive, and that im fragile enough to kill any relationship. When ever i got mad or upset he woud turn it back around into something else.. Always avoiding answering any questions or providing any closure… always turning it back around on to me as if its something i did to him. Holding my reactions against me to his friends and those closest to him to make me feel and look emotionally unstable and completely crazy. He called me both numerous times. I had heard about narcissism before him, but our relationship is what made me study and research it after he claimed he could see narcisstic traits in me at an unusually early and beginning stage of the relationship after meeting him. Looking back now, that is probably the first red flag i ignored. He seemed to look for red flags and flaws and already had his mind made up about who i was and said that is why our relationship would never work and that is why it wouoldnt ever be a relationship. Without ever trying to spend time with me and judging things without ever compromising or without ever trying to talk or understand why it may be that way. The second red flag i noticed through out the beginning of this repeatitive cycle is that his words and actions never matched. Hed say one thing, and take it back the next. He never said it. It never happened. I made it up. It was the first time ive experienced true gaslighting and suffered the affects of mental manipulation…. Letting it slide for way too long. That i was making things up, twisting his words and reactions and drawing up conversations and emotions that were never there and never happened… yet i was gaslighting him and as he said, gaslighting was my specialty. My own behavior with him wasnt always the way it should have been, and the experience has shown me the traits i have in myself that i still need to work on to change and improve. Not everything about him was negative, he has helped me see things in a different way and has helped me motivate myself to want to continue to grow and move forward in my life and to prove to myself that i can do it on my own. To be independent enough to take care of myself and has motivated me to continue pushing forward and work on myself daily so i can get to the stage of my life i want to be in…even if it might be without him in it. Even if it feels like nothing i do is enough. Even if it feels like i’ll never get there. I continue to beieve in where im headed. Knowing i can get myself there. I believe we had a karmic connection energetic bond and both mirrored each other and triggered each other in this way with the purpose of helping each other grow and showing each other what we needed to change to learn how to heal and break the patterns and trauma bonds we both still had from painful experiences in similiar settings to officially move on and release them from our hearts and minds so we can find the happiness we deserve and wanted. But the manipulation i went through with him is something ive never been through with anyone else. Something that stayed with me and tortured me for months on end, never getting answers or clarity… always being the one to blame. Its taken its toll on me mentally and emotionally to understand each other in order to successfully reconcille and find healthy resolution. Which is why we repeated this cycle and continued until we both understood and respected the connection and bond that i do hope and believe is still there, and something we will always share… even if now it never felt real. Later finding out he had lied to me about moving out of state and was here the entire time… all those times i cried missing him wishing i could see him… all those times he shut me out already moving on into another relationship never gracing me with the truth of what happened as i begged for months and months and months to his voicemail machine for closure and for the final conversation, thinking that would make me feel better about all of it. Something he was never willing to give. Finding out he could have given me an sti, which he called me completely crazy for when i confronted him, telling me i was spinning what ever i could imagine up to make him look like the bad one. “It was my loss, by my actions” he told me numerous times. Never his. He told me repeatedly thats what made it so easy to drop me from his life and walk away from me. Always leaving me with the constant urge to try and fix it. Making me feel desperate, ignored, and never heard. Narcissim is a popuar topic on social media and through out my research ive learned that one of the top signs of narcisstic abuse is researching narcisstic abuse. That in most situations, the narcississt will move on quickly, claim to be healed and that their life is beautiful and the person that was abused will be left to question their self worth self image and relationships for months to years even after the relationship has ended. Which is exactly how i felt. Ashamed and embarassed of low income, my home and where i lived, how i lived, the possessions i didnt have, told i wasnt taking proper care of myself, which in some cases, i wasnt. Felt like he was embarassed to be seen with me. Feeling gross and dirty no matter how much i tried to change and no matter how long i may have spent cleaning before he came over. Trusting him inside my home that he judged when he never invited me into his. While being told about other girls he spent time with in ways he never did with me. I felt like i was treated as an object that could be tossed aside easily with any given second. I felt like i had to walk on constant egg shells watching my every word, movement and mannuerism that he would only see in his perspective and only see in his way. Never trying to understand otherwise. I admit ive lashed out and judged and belitted him without ever knowing the full side of his story as well… but resented him for the fact that unlike him in many ways, i tried to. I tried to understand. I tried to be vulnerable. I tried to communicate and gain closure… just to be told that i am clingy and needy and that he couldnt be the only person in my life. Still feeling that in some ways, he never tried. And he never will. Even if apart of me still wants him to. And even if nothing would change if he did. “You will keep meeting the same person in different bodies over and over until you learn the lesson….” I hope that by writing this it will help others see and recognize these patterns and behaviors in themselves and in their own relationships. In order to gain a healthier lifestyle and mindset. This is the first time ive truly witnessed narcissim, gaslighting and different stages of manipulation. And it has been very draining and painful… even with beginning to understand my own sometimes toxic behaviors that i played a part in as well. Teaching me the important lesson of emotional independence… of loving yourself through your own eyes instead of how someone else sees you. And the importance of self love, self persistence, self care. gaslighting: The mental impact of manipulation… Someone who has been a victim of manipulation may feel: depressed, develope anxiety,develope unhealthy coping patterns, constantly try to please the manipulative person, lie about how they are feeling, put another persons needs before their own, find it difficult to trust others. In some cases manipulation can be so persuasive that it causes a victim to question their own perception of reality. Gaslighting: manipulate someone using physcological methods making them question their own sanity or reasons. Things he said to me: you over think everything You twist everything i do or say to make it look like im trying to judge you or hurt you you're too sensitive Okay miss sensitive I've apologized to you a million times (when he never has once and always blamed me) Here we go again… You over react You are fragile enough to kill any relatiomship. Youre too fragile. You imagine things and make up conversations and draw up emotions that were never there. You knew what this was You are completely crazy and badly need to see a physciatrist You’re a narcissist i m honest about what i do with other girls, thats the difference. You’re a narcissist I never did that… i never said that… that didnt happen. Its your loss by your actions. All you do is argue You are the only female that has ever brought me so much frustration Its like you are doing what ever you can to make me look like the bad guy This is what made it so easy for me to drop you out of my life. You keep doing this. Why are you always like this? Youre the problem. Its your fault. Ive tried to help you grow up a little These textnow texts back up how crazy you are He let another girl answer his phone as his woman, when really he wasnt with anyone and it was his friends wife. You twist everything i say You were never going to have this relationship. You are never going to get the closer you are wanting so you might as well stop trying Ive tried to drop you out of my life for the last year now (when its been back and forth with both of us for 5 to 6 months) Our relationship was never exclusive and casual but he had made promises of what we could have further down the road and said we were working towards a relationship. Hed always throw in backhanded “f**k buddy” comments in to reassure me we werent dating after saying he didnt want it to be just s*x and wanted to spend time together and saying things were changing and what he was feeling. A red flag in his behavior i over looked at first was how he was open about multiple girls he was seeing. Like he would be honest about his behavior so if we got upset later on he could manipulate us with it later and say things like “ i told you all along i was talking to other girls and playing the field. I said it wouldnt go past this and i meant it “ rewriting everything he had said about what we could have and where it was going. He blocked my number for a few days after every time he saw me. I could always tell because the texts were left on delivered for days at a time when he always had his phone. When id confront him, hed get instantly defensive… say his phone was off all weekend, his kids block evey girl in his phone or “just because i dont say something when you want me to you think i block you. Its always drama” recently i had a blocked call from him show up on my call log. I texted him a few times saying sorry i missed it and asked what he was doing. Being left on read. Then he blocked my number again for no reason. Thats the only reason i used textnow in this situation as long as i did because his reasons for doing so were impulsive selfish and childish. Not because of something i wrongfully did to him. He then claimed that he made the call by mistake and that i was still harassing him by texting when he didnt make the call by mistake and was now acting like he didnt unblock my number at all. So he could show his friends im crazy and insnae calling non sfop, which i had been for months demanding the final conversation and answers i deserved… Stonewalling: Dismissing your concerns or refusing to discuss an issue. Dismissing your ideas and perspective like they are invalid, stupid, unreasonable or boring Avoiding discussihg problem solving issues. Busying themselves while you’re trying to talk to them. Avoiding eye contact, staring past you, or at their phone or tv. Acts as if you are unimportant and have nothing of value to say. Ignoring you when you speak and rolling their eyes. Refusal to negotiate a conflict in good faith. Refusal to discuss honestly ones emotions Refusal to listen to another point of view with openness Refusal to compromise Refusal to collaborate Refusal to support the other persons plans Refusal to accept influence Stonewalling is a form of gaslighting the defender refuse to engage in discussions as if your concerns have no value. Leaving victims feeling hurt, powerless, and shut out the may begin to doubt their value as a peron and their ability to think clearly. If i ever confronted him about anything or asked him a question he refused to directly answer it. He would hang up or turn it back onto me and make it seem like im doing it to him and making things up and over reacting. Even when i was reacting to something he did or said. He avoided tak0ing acountability justifying his behavior and mindset that i deserved this that i was drama and bullshit and thats all i cared about, when my intentions had always been to resolve the issue and be on the same page… i wanted him in my life and i wanted to be on the same page. He almost always hangs up on the rare occasions i do talk to him saying im completely crazy and blocking my number immediately after. Hes done it so much and so many times that i lost it and kept calling non stop demanding respect and for him to face the issue other wise i never would have used something like textnow. He could never grasp the concept that i didnt deserve to be blocked for the petty reasons he blocked me and that i had every right to be pissed off and annoyed. He always got defensive almost instantly an me doing that is gaslighting him by reacting to something he did and expressing how it made me feel, sometimes i admit not in the nicest or healthiest ways … he always invalidated my feelings and it was always and only on his terms. His perspective was the only one that mattered as he told me to be more open minded and not judgemental. This continued for months. He'd block that number again... And i used a different number on the app sooo fed up and not letting him just walk away telling everyone it was me and im the issue. I wanted to call him out on his behavior and mindset so he understood my reactions and why i kept having them. But he didnt care to hear it. I was the physco. Thats how he introduced me to his friends… when i wasnt ever good enough to go hang out and meet them in person, they all sat and laughed and mocked and listened to the voicemails. But i was so furious with the situation and how i was being treated unfairly that i couldnt not call. Its my biggest regret and i hope that if anyone else in this situation reads this that they learn to do the same and never ever chase the narcississt. i hope they recognize the pattern and see the red flags. I ifnally saw his true colors as the mask came off when he threatened me with the police and his lawyer like i was a stranger and meant nothing to him. He couldnt even give me a full conversation providing the answers i needed. In his mind, there wasnt anything wrong with his behavior or how he treated me because he told me to leave him alone and i didnt, which normally i would stand by that and back off but it was his actions and behaviors that made me react the way that he chose to walk out over. Thats what i never understood. He was mad at me for reacting to something he said or did to me. Over and over and over. I was the one making drama. All i wanted to do was argue. And even when im typing this im staring at my phone with the familiar ache in my heart wishing id see his name show up with an incoming call…. Hoping every day that he will show up outside and give me a hug and say he doesnt want to lose me. While knowing hes already moved on. Knowing that he was in town last week and could have came to see me, that he talked to me and could have come over and chose not to.. As i cried in my bed every night hoping he would care enough to come see me even with knowing the same cycle would start over again if he did and that nothing would change. I wanted the relationship he said we were working towards. Later taking it back saying he only told people he was working towards a relationship so other girls wouldnt want to link up. He is the only person i have met ever that claims they didnt say something they said the day before, or that something didnt happen the way it did. For example, one time he came over and we were about to hook up, and when my shirt was off before we started he looked over at me and said i wasnt the only girl he was servicing that night. After he called me every day that week when i missed his calls, tried to go into my work to come see me when i wasnt there and was actually making effort. He then got annoyed because my room was messy and spiraled about all the things that needed to be cleaned and fixed and said do you really think thats what a man wants? We talked about it recently and he said i didnt do it like that i said dont take this personally at all but your room is messy. And i told you about the other girl after outside. As he held my reaction against me saying i over think and over react for being upset because in his mind he did it in a tactful and respectful way when in reality it was very hurtful and harsh. Hes done that many times through out the cycle in different ways. Hed say something and not understand why i was going on and on about it claiming im making drama and causing arguments and im the one that starts it every time when i was reacting to how he was treating me and what he was doing when he never remembers what he actually did, telling me all i want is to argue and make drama. I got so fed up with his behavior and with being blocked on impulse every other day that i resorted to textnow. Which i understand is something i should have done differently just walking away and not pushing it. But it was a pattern with him that was uncalled for and i desperately tried to make him understand that as he refused to ever communicate, compromise or discuss the issue further claiming i was the toxic one. When i started seeing the behavior patterns repetitively and more frequently as i was told very early on i was the narcissist and that he saw those traits in me and me confronting hijm with anything showed i was the one gas lighting him,for reacting to something he did. And i admit my reactions arent something im proud of either and could have handled it differently it was just the same never ending cycle i was fed up with, and always being told im the one over reacting and causing drama i started to wonder if i was the narcissist like he projected… so i started researching it. For almost 6 months not understanding how to stop the visicous repetitive cycle with him my effort was seen as clingy and needy or seen as drama and im always trying to argue or have the last word or one up him… and now realizing nothing ever changed because i was the only one willing to change. To him i was just a f**k there when he wanted me to be… he still lived his own seperate life however and with whoever else he wanted. As i was fighting for him and waiting for him, fighting for us and the connection to move forward as he just walked away and already had someone else. I was being disrespectful for not giving him space or giving him more time… when he never gave me the consistency or communication or answering questions that i needed in return to give him space. He just wanted out and wanted a break without taking accountability to whatever else was really going on in his life that he hid from me that i wasnt ever included in, but always promised to be… showing no kindness or empathy and telling me multiple times thats what made it so easy for him to drop me out of his life when i was still trying to make the effort for him to be in mine… and then one day i randomly saw something on tik tok that said the most common unknown side affect of narcissistic abuse was constantly researching narcisstifc abuse, like i started doing months before. As i saw and felt more affects of his manipulation and his behaviors i notice my own behavior change…. As if i was mirroriing it back to him viciously when i really didnt want to fight. One thing it has taught me now is to never chase the narcissist. I wish i would have gone silent and just walked away.. But i knew there was more he wasnt telling me… i knew there was something else going on. That wasnt even about me but being taken out on me because he couldbt face the truth of something.. That feeling ate at me constantly. Its a mind f**k that never end. Even when you are just calling wanting to say hi its not the person you knew or fell for that answers… the monster you saw at the end of the discard is who they really are, and how they really feel about you. The version you wanted in them is gone and not coming back. Even when he doesnt reply he is counting the days in between to see how long you can go without talking to him or trying to reconcile… it feeds their ego. Not walking away is one of my biggest regrets… knowing ill never get the truth or the closure or acknowledgement that is needed… knowing im the one being painted as crazy when i have to wonder if he is still watching me on the cameras he put in my room without me knowing weeks ago after i started writing this… having to move on from him when he violated every part of my privacy and space and watched me cry and watched me call him knowing i was hurting and never trying to comfort me in any way,,, even as a friend. All the things he said he liked about the s*x and being with me were gone and rewritten as he insulted it later on … like he had to go out of his way to take back everything we shared together and diminish it in every brutal way. And in his mind, im doing this to him. Im the one that went too far. Im the one stalking him. Nothing he has done is wrong and if i say he did something hurtful one way, in his mind he sees it happening different and thats why im told im over reacting and always starting drama… they got off on the attention. He wanted me to call just so he could hang up or block me. So he can get off letting another girl answer his phone and then ignoring any of my reactions afterwards to show that i meant nothing to him. My biggest regret is trying too hard to understand and while i am writing this im not fully healed from it all… im not sure to calll this a book or a journal but if someone reading this needs to hear anything, its to never chase them! The final conversation with him after confronting him about breaking in my house, hacking my phone, leaving and watching cameras in my room without knowing and not knowing how long he had been watching me That he denied doing claiming im crazy and need a therapist… because it didnt happen: My biggest regret is that i didnt give him my silence months and months ago. I shouldnt have fought for the closure conversation ive needed from him. My questions were never answered. Every time the version of him i heard on the other end fell further and further away from who i thought he was...The familiar energy i felt at the beginning wasnt there anymore. Me: how can you just move on? I hate this. Him: i have a life. Moving on is easy when you have a life. Maybe you should try it. . Through the camera on my phone or the camera he left in my room he spoke to me for at least six hours, thats how i learned he broke in when i left seeing a car across the street and a guy look like “oh s**t…she just saw me.” when i came back five minuets or so the car was gone. And when i went in my room, both sides of my bed frame was pulled out in a way it hadnt been before.he later left. When i confronted him about it, he denied it and told me it never happened and that i need a theraqpist and said im on drugs. I remember every word of the conversation and as i am writing this i am still dealing with the after math affects of trauma from it. The paranoia of feeling like im being watched every time i use the bathroom or shower as he mentioned hes seen me do somehow. Still sitting in the dark because it makes me feel less exposed even though he could still probably see me in the dark. Wondering if he is reading every text in my phone after i send it. Since he mentioned conversations ive had with people via text and phone call that he wouldnt know about other wise. Wondering if every time i have a phone interview for a job if he is listening and critiqueing my every move. Laying in bed, sad, and depressed not wanting to do anything feeling like he is watching me. Realizing that the empty promises he gave me that night in the ways he said he would be there for me after and could help me arent going to happen as he claimed me confronting him with this makes him not even want to talk to me. Like i imagined all of it out of desperation for an excuse to talk to him an get him back in my life.