Star Bright - Book 1

Chapter One THE SUNLIGHT creeps into my room. I groan and turn my head the other direction, trying to sleep through it. The last thing I feel like doing is getting up this morning. I never want to get up again. Everything I’ve done for the last few months has been robotic. The holiday season is usually my favorite time of year. There is nothing I love more than browsing around the shops, looking for the best things to buy for my parents and friends. That was before everything in my life went to hell. Now the thought of seeing anyone or even shopping makes me want to go back to sleep for the rest of the day. Maggie... my daughter... This would have been her first Christmas. The thought comes to me quickly, before I can attempt to stop it. I try to stop all thoughts of her. Yet all it does is drive me into the pit of despair even faster. If I start thinking about her now, I will never get out of bed. I tell myself I will handle this morning the way I handle every other morning – with baby steps. Open my eyes. It sounds ridiculous to make that a step but when I tell myself baby steps, I truly mean baby steps. If I think of what to do all at once – get up, shower, make coffee – it is all so overwhelming that I don’t want to leave my bed. The baby steps continue. Get out of bed. Walk to the bathroom. Brush my teeth. Open the shower door. Depression makes even the thought of getting in the shower to wash, only to do it all over again tomorrow, seem idiotic. After my shower, I decide to go grocery shopping. I remember coming home last night and not finding anything substantial to eat. Instead I ate three slices of bread and went to bed. My stomach is growling loudly at me, demanding something decent to eat. I slip on an oversized long-sleeved T-shirt and a pair of baggy jeans. Gone are the times when I cared about what I looked like. I don’t want anyone to notice me ever again. It is safe to be by myself. I tell myself I can handle being alone. Before I leave, I check my bank account on my phone. My savings are dwindling. I need to get a job. This can’t last forever. When I quit my job, I figured something else would fall into my lap. But it’s hard to have things fall in your lap when you never leave your bed. I’m becoming pathetic. I grab my purse and head out into the chilly morning. A thin layer of snow covers the ground. The sun has now retreated behind a mass of gray clouds. They threaten a heavy snowfall. I wouldn’t mind if it snowed everyone in. Sadly, Netflix is my new best friend. The grocery store is brimming with families with their kids in tow, out of school for the holidays. I curse myself for not thinking of this before I left my apartment this morning. I wander around blindly, my list in hand, as my gaze falls on the kids around me. My heart beats quickly in my chest and my skin feels numb. All I want is to take Maggie’s hand and walk through the store with her. I would kill to see her try to grab something off the shelf or plead with me to get her a doll in the small toy section. Instead I am alone, a panic attack blooming on the brink. What is my trigger exactly? Happy kids? Couples who look down at their children and beam? I feel stupid as I park my basket in a random aisle and bolt into the restroom, which is thankfully empty. I go into one of the stalls then close my eyes tightly. I can’t live like this forever. Every time I decide to leave the house, I find myself overwhelmed by people or past memories. Everything seems to be trying to get my attention, telling me that my old dreams have died and I am letting life pass me by. I have done things in my life that I am not proud of. I have terrible taste in men. I have a habit of only being attracted to assholes or drunks and I have had no issues cheating on people to be with someone else. My skin feels hot and itchy as I try to avoid the panic attack that will knock me over. I focus on my breathing. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am nowhere else. What I have done in the past is in the past. I can’t get Maggie back. I won’t get Paul back after what I’ve done to him. I even feel like I deserve what Robbs has done to me. Focusing on my breathing and repeating my mantra helps slow my heart rate down. I am glad no one else has come into the bathroom. The last thing I need is someone else thinking I am crazy. After ten minutes, I am able to leave the stall. I splash some water on my face and look in the mirror. I hardly recognize myself. I have let myself go. I have to get a handle on my life but I have no idea how to do so. I have been hoping a sign will come to let me know what to do next. But what if that is just an excuse to give myself a pass on my shitty behavior? What if this is the sign – almost having a panic attack in a supermarket over happy children? I leave the restroom, ready to get my grocery shopping done without further incident. By the time I leave the supermarket, I am feeling grounded again. Sometimes my head gets the best of me. I decide I’ll brush it from my mind and go get a coffee. I haven’t bought anything frozen, so I don’t need to get home right away. My inner chef refuses to die, so the thought of making a frozen meal still does not appeal to me, even with how depressed I am. It has been a while since I have treated myself to an overpriced iced coffee. But today is quickly becoming a day that is unlike the others so I head into the coffee shop, trying to ignore the small crowd standing in line to wait. I find myself lost in thought at the menu, which seems to have doubled in items since the last time I was here. Someone taps on my shoulder, and I nearly jump out of my skin. I take a deep breath and turn around, fearing who it will be. “I knew it was you! I wasn’t 100 percent sure, but I just had to see!” “Kathy?” I reply, my eyes widening. Kathy smiles a toothy grin back at me. “Jenny! It’s been so long!” “It really has,” I reply and then stiffen in surprise when she brings me in for a hug. I haven’t seen Kathy since high school. We took English class together our junior and senior year. We really mostly just slacked off or talked s**t about the different people in class. We probably could have been in AP English but instead had opted for the regular class. Despite the fact that both of us had been lazy about school, at least Kathy was involved in drama club. I had watched her in the school play every Christmas. They were always terrible. I vividly remember the crazy drama teacher to this day and the fact that she never did a run through of her own work. The plays always ended up being over three hours long. Near the end of senior year, Kathy and I had a falling out. She’d dated a guy she knew I had liked. Back then, that had been enough to end the friendship. We had lost touch. But now, instead of feeling dread at a social interaction, I feel relief. Here is someone who has no idea about what I have gone through with Kiara, Robbs or Paul. She doesn’t know about Maggie either. The relief of knowing I’m not going to have to answer uncomfortable questions makes me feel more warmly towards her than anyone else recently. “How have you been?” she asks me. I am cut off before I can reply because I am next in line. I order something with white chocolate, and Kathy orders something overly complicated. Before I know it, I am sitting across from her in a little table in the back of the shop. Her hair is up in a slick ponytail and her makeup looks as if it had taken hours to do. She is wearing an outfit that fits her like a glove. She looks absolutely stunning. Kathy was always a bit of a wallflower in social situations in the past. She only came alive in the terrible plays. But now it looks as if the sun is shining down directly on her. “So, tell me what has been going on with you?” I prompt, not wanting to start the discussion with me going first. “Oh, nothing in this boring old town. I’m planning on moving, actually.” My heart drops, which I know is stupid. I have just met her after years of no contact. Already I have apparently leapt ahead to having a friend here, someone I could reconnect with. The fact Kathy is moving shuts the door firmly in my face. “Where are you moving to?” “Hollywood!” Her eyes light up as she takes a sip of her coffee. “I got a new agent, and we agreed trying to bounce around for work in this town is a bad idea. Better to move to the heart of it. Just pack up and leave.” Just pack up and leave. The words roll across my brain. I have a mental image of packing up and just leaving. Somewhere where no one knows me. Paris. Hong Kong. London. It doesn’t matter. Somewhere no one will see me or know my past. “Hollywood, wow,” I breathe, thinking of how the city never sleeps and there are always things to do. “That sounds amazing, really. So you’re going for the big time then, huh?” Kathy nods. “Sure am. I had one foot in my old world living here and another in Hollywood. But you can’t have both. I realized you have to pick a world and stay in it. But why would I stay in the old world when I know for a fact that it doesn’t make me happy?” Her words resonate with me. I take a sip of my own coffee to stall for time before I respond. I don’t want to say anything stupid. I am worried I’ll look weird if I start to spill my heart out to Kathy. But her words are burrowing into my chest, heading toward my heart. A foot in one world and a foot in another world. “What about you?” Kathy asks. “What are you up to?” Lie. Make something up. Tell her you volunteer at the library or something. I try to take in a long deep breath only to let out a strange choked noise. “Nothing,” I reply, my voice strange and high pitched. “I’m not doing anything.”