Mother of Alpha - Burgov Series III

1. Vanya

Another day in paradise. At least I suppose it is.

I entered the elevator being careful to not touch any of the walls. Goddess only knows what my brother did here yesterday and for my own sanity I wouldn't even consider coming in here with a blacklight. The place would probably look like Jackson Pollock's painting.

I huffed to myself although, even I have to admit Ilia is working hard to keep the spark in his relationship as strong as ever. It's hard to even recognize him most of the time. His usual scowls and smirks were replaced with genuine happy smiles and jokes. He's still the same Gamma, good at his job, devoted leader and a bane of my existence. But for the last three years I held a front row seat at the marvelous performance of his growth. And even I have to admit the new Ilia is a better man. A man who finally started caring over something more than himself. And it's all thanks to his Mate, Octavia.

Jesus-f*****g-Christ, and now he's gonna be a Father. My baby brother will be someone's Dad very, very soon. The man who just yesterday jizzed in my elevator would have a pup of his own. That's still the most shocking news I heard in a long, long time. And even a long-lasting bet among me and my friends over when they would get knocked up, doesn't make it any easier it swallow.

Not to sound like an old, bitter man, but I envy him. Because, how could I not? I look at my life and all I have is my Pack and siblings. But Harvest Moon is my duty, a job, something every man needs to do to provide a happy and comfortable life for his family. But when it comes to my family, I'm just a spectator. A favorite uncle, or responsible, boring older brother, never a Mate and a Father.

I never thought there would come a day I would be jealous over what Sasha and Ilia have. But it's here. And it's happening to me now.

What have I become?!

It's not like I'm not happy for them, because I sure am. But I would like to share the same sense of happiness. To have something on my own. But fate wasn't gracious to me. Not in this area at least.

I have money, respect, my own place to build and an honorary place in the Alpha's Chamber. I make changes to the world, and I feel damn good about myself, knowing that if either of my parents were still alive they would be damn proud. But while all of this sounds great and impressive I lack the thing I wanted the most. The sense.

The reason for doing all those things. The sense of my existence. The people I'm doing all this for.

Sure, I have my Pack, and over a thousand of grateful faces I pass each day. But where is something for me in all this?

Twenty-eight years. I'm not a teenager anymore. I'm not that nineteen-year-old who lost his Mother and took all the responsibility on his shoulders, anymore. I don't have two younglings to provide for and worry about. But somehow not much has changed for me.

Each day is mostly the same. My life is mundane at best. So am I unreasonable to want more?

I rubbed my face as the elevator stopped on the ground floor and I put my everyday polite mask back on, greeting my Pack's mates on the way.

I passed Samantha seated as always by her desk, like a Cerberus and greeted her with a curt nod, waiting fir her small smile in return. The same thing we do each time. She's a perfectly nice she-wolf, and this place wouldn't be running so smoothly without her, but no matter how great our assistant is, she'd never be the Luna this Pack needs. And Goddess knows we need Luna.

Octavia has been a great asset and my sister has been doing more than I care to admit. But with both of them soon becoming mothers, Sasha for the third time, and Ottie for the first, I can't expect them to stay as active in their roles as they were so far. I need to be responsible one here and give my Pack a proper Luna.

I thought… No, I hoped, I still had the time. Ilia is only twenty-three and everyone knows he loves his freedom. I hoped I still have a few years before I would have to deal with this matter. But yesterday's announcement was my breaking point, and I don't think anyone realizes how much this happy news changes things for me.

I'm happy for them, I truly am. And even though all the obvious concerns about my brother's maturity, I still know they would be exceptional parents. Octavia probably a little more than Ilia, but still they would. And I need to make sure this special time in their lives wouldn't be disturbed by the workload of the Pack's matters. That simply isn't fair to them and isn't fair to my new niece. After all, we are all overworked because I was incapable of finding my Mate and Luna. Eight years of being Alpha of my own Pack and I still had no luck.

Damn, has it been that long?

I guess so.

But Goddess knows it's not because I didn't try. I sure did. Not many know it, actually aside from my brother-in-law and his Beta, no one does, but I've been looking actively. Every few weeks, whenever I could scrap some free time, Trev and I made short trips to the neighboring Packs, but with no luck so far. We met more women than any of us could possibly remember, but neither of them was the one.

Benson was supportive of our plan. Probably no one knows as well as he does how much one's Mate means. The man was a wreck before my sister came into his life. Besides, with his growing family, he could use a Beta Female too, that's probably his ulterior motive behind pushing Trevor to tag along with me. Because it wasn't like I could take my own Beta. The idea appeared after he already met his Mate. So suggesting or even talking about it would appear extremely insensitive of me.

But the time has come, and I can't wait any longer.

I'm not particularly fond of taking a chosen Mate, merely because that's not how I pictured it. I always saw a splendid, earth-shattering meet cute in my future. Two long lost halves finally reunited and complet together. Something with a perfect story to tell the pups about. I wouldn't make the mistake, I wouldn't have any doubts, I would cherish her unconditionally. Of that I was sure. But if history taught me anything, it would be that I can't have it the easy way.

Alpha Walter, the former leader of the Stonewall Pack, had been hinting at his daughter for quite some time. I know he's concerned over Cynthia's happiness after what happened to her true Mate. And I think it was a blessing in disguise that the accident her Mate, Hank, suffered from wasn't an instant death. That would have probably killed her too. Instead they were able to keep his body on life support for as long as Cynthia needed to grieve and renounce their bond.

I won't even lie and pretend I could understand the pain she went through. But she's a strong woman. One of the strongest I know and I pity her. But for the last two years we all watched her rising from the ashes of her dead Mate, and becoming once again her former self. Slightly more withdrawn, but still as witty and head-strong as before.

We formed a strong friendship over the years and I admire her greatly. I know she would be a wonderful Luna, if she would agree. And for the work of my life, that Harvest Moon had become, I can't choose just anybody. Not to mention that since neither of us can have what we really wanted, a relationship built on a strong friendship and care sounds like the next best thing. That's a solid plan. Who knows, maybe friendship can turn into something more with time.

With that uplifting thought I turned on my computer and threw myself into my daily tasks. Report, financial statements, Baxter's proposals of further investments, and finally my least liked small requests from the people. I could spend eighteen hours per day here and it still wouldn't be enough. Another reason why I need to give this Pack Luna.

At lunchtime the door to my office opened and Grisha strolled in. Although he hadn't sported his usual grim face, he looked more wary and concerned.

"So they picked you as my Ghost of Christmas Past?" - I asked with a dry chuckle.

He stopped in his tracks and frowned.

"What?!"

"You know, like the one that visited Scrooge in 'A Christmas Carol'."

He raised his brows, yet his nose still stayed scrunched and he regarded me with distaste for a moment.

"You're getting weird, dude." - Grisha announced and stepped forward to take his usual chair in front of my desk.

"So what brings you here?"

"No, no, you were absolutely right about the purpose of my visit, but that ghost s**t… should I be worried more than I already am?" - he asked in all seriousness. To be honest, Grisha rarely does anything not seriously lately. He can be occasionally sarcastic when he's in an especially good mood, but ever since he met Summer and things went… not exactly how he wanted them to, he's been like that.

"I don't think you have anything to worry about." - I assured him looking back down at the requests I abandoned when he entered.

"Vanya… come on, it's me." - he said, c*****g his head to the side.

I sighed and rubbed my eyes with my thumb and forefinger. There went my escape.

"What do you want me to say, Grisha? You know it has to be done. There should be six of us to run this Pack smoothly, while the number is not even close. With Sasha constantly being tired and Ottie's approaching due day, I don't see any other option."

"Sure, but it's not only your responsibility. I failed in giving this Pack a Beta Female too. I don't understand why once again you decide to make everything your problem."

"You haven't failed!" - I said immediately. It was so far from the truth as it possibly could be. Summer was already taken and in love when they met, there was no fault on his side, just an unfortunate turn of events.

"Maybe, but it doesn't change the facts. Don't make the chip on your shoulder even bigger, bro. If an additional set of hands means so much to you, I should be the one to look for a chosen Mate, maybe that would even help me forget."

I can't imagine being in a worse position than he was. That's why I wouldn't ever ask him to do something he obviously wasn't set on. Not if the new Mate was supposed to be a remedy at the still existing bond with the one who doesn't want him.

"You still feel the pull, don't you?" - I asked after a second. It was an unspoken rule that we don't speak about Summer in front of Grisha. But some rules are meant to be broken. Especially, when people close to you struggle.

"Sometimes. But I'm glad she's happy." - he said, but the nervous tapping of his leg betrayed how hard it was for him to say that, and how not exactly true this statement was. But it is what it is, Summer chose another and by now is a mother of two. We can pretend it didn't happen, but ehat good would it do?

"You're not ready to move on." - I pointed out as cautiously as one could.

He locked eyes with me and shrugged.

"Maybe that's the way around it. Once I mark another I won't feel anything for Summer. That's pure logic actually."

I watched my friend for a while trying to decipher what was going through his head. He never mentioned that possibility before, so my idea is that his offer comes from my yesterday's announcement not his own cravings.

"Why now, Grisha?" - I asked because I simply had to know.

He shrugged again.

"I had my chances. I know I loved your sister, but that didn't work out. I found my Mate, but that went south too, I'm not counting on love anymore. But partnership could be nice. Besides, you still have your chance and you shouldn't feel pressured to give that up."

Although his point of view sounds really pragmatic and very logical, I know it comes from years of friendship we share. Sometimes I dare to think Grisha was more like a brother to me than Ilia. Maybe things would be different if I didn't have to be a Father figure for half of my brother's life. Even back at Dark Woods in every crazy, childish challenge that made my Mother's face gape in horror over what we came up with, it was always me and Grisha against Dmitry and Yuri. We always had each other's backs. Would, without a question, take a bullet for the other, and that's exactly what he's trying to do now. Mend to my obligations.

"And you should?" - I raised one brow, but Grisha looked utterly confused. - "To feel pressured." - I explained.

"I'm not, I'm just offering." - he shrugged and if he wasn't so detached from his own idea, and I couldn't already see this ending in disaster and misery for him and probably the woman he would choose, I might have taken him up on that offer.

"I appreciate what you're trying to do. But I feel strongly about this. Besides, Cynthia is perfect, if you think about it. She's from a great family and this would strengthen our alliance, she's nice, and we know I'm not choosing some psycho, she'll do just fine."

He watched me for a moment without saying a word, only leaning his chin on his hand, and I hate to admit that when he's doing that I can't quite guess what he's thinking. That's something I had no trouble with before Summer.

"You know it's not a job interview, but the rest of your life, right?" - he finally spoke. - "You're talking about her as if she was just an asset, not a woman you would share every damn day. Is there even any chemistry between the two of you?"

I leaned back in my seat and pondered about his accusations.

Grisha wasn't wrong, which shouldn't be surprising, because he rarely is. And he went right for the jugular with his questions, which only makes things worse. I know my responsibilities well, and I have enough of my own doubts and prejudices to add his to the equation. And worst of all, we both know the answer to his question.

"We're good friends, I could have ended up in a worse position." - I answered with a mocking scoff to mask my irritation. But the sharp eyes of my Beta were boring a hole in my head again. Damn that scrutinizing stare of his!

"I see you made up your mind." - he said, hitting the armrests with his open palms before standing up and turning towards the door.

Was that it? I was expecting he would put up a better fight. If I had to guess his visit was pre-planned by him and Ottie. My brother thankfully never questioned me in any of the Pack's matters, he simply accepted that whatever I was doing was for the good of us all.

But his Mate wasn't like him.

Like most of the women, Octavia has strong protective instinct over her close ones in whom I'm ranked among. She would much rather see half of the world burning than someone from her family unhappy. I cherished her for that, because that's the trait that made her fierce and devoted Gamma Female, but it also makes her miss the bigger picture.

But her close bond with Grisha and most likely hours of drilling him into this doesn't make my decision any easier.

But thankfully Grisha gave up.

Or so I thought. Because he stopped with his hand at the handle and looked back at me.

"Quick question, though, what are you going to do if you find your Mate after making Cynthia your Luna? Because I know the end of that story all too well, and this time it might not leave just one miserable schmuck behind, but three broken hearts. Just think about it, Alpha." - he said and without waiting for my answer left my office and me, most likely, with my mouth hanging open.

Damn, they were good. Actually, I fear that if they'd team up and try to sabotage my decision I wouldn't stand a chance. Especially when they were making valid points such as this one.

However, I can wait with no end, and finally leave this world without securing my legacy. So if my fate should be any different, it better hurry the f**k up, because I'm done waiting.