Say Yes Samantha

1928 Reflection 1Of course I am ready too soon, as I always am when I’m nervous. I wish I wasn’t going to this dinner party, but once Giles told me we had both been invited I knew that this time I could not back out of it. I’m afraid of going to the Meldriths again because they are friends of David – but David is in America! There was a long report the other day in The Daily Express about the film they are making of his book, so one thing is certain – David won’t be there. I can’t meet him yet – I can’t. Even to think of it makes me feel – terrified. Yet I want to see him! I want it so much that every nerve in my body screams for him! Oh, David! – David! – David! I mustn’t work myself up! I’ve told myself over and over again to be calm. I’m going to use my brain – the brain I have only just discovered – to work things out logically and sensibly. Then I shan’t be upset when I see David again. I shall be just as he wants me to be. The first step is to be poised and sophisticated. That is what I tell myself I’ll be and yet at the moment I have that same old stupid sick feeling inside me and I know that, when we arrive at the Meldriths’ house, I shall feel as if I have fifty butterflies fluttering about in my tummy. I suppose the time will come when I’ll be able to think of David without this agonising ache! Without having to fight every moment against a wild desire to telephone him just to hear his voice. Why is love such sheer undiluted hell – ? I’ll look at myself in the mirror. They always say good clothes give a woman confidence in herself, and this dress I borrowed from Norman Hartnell is, I think, one of the loveliest he’s ever designed. Would David think I was beautiful in it? Stop! Stop wondering what he would or would not think! Face the fact, Samantha, that you bore him! At this moment he will be with someone else far prettier than you! Someone amusing, witty, gay, experienced and very intelligent! Yes, very experienced and very intelligent! And I have neither of those qualities! Giles was terribly pleased at being invited to the dinner tonight because Lady Meidrith is giving the party for Prince Vezelode of Russia. She had telephoned Giles and said to him, “You must come, Mr. Bariatinsky, and bring with you that glorious red-haired model of yours – Samantha Clyde.” Giles loves being thought a Russian because actually he’s English! His grandmother was a Bariatinsky, but his father was called Travis or Trevor but when he decided to become a photographer he took his grandmother’s name. It was a sensible thing to do, because people in England are always much more impressed by anything foreigners do than by their own efforts – I can’t think why. He told me to borrow a sensational dress, so I went along to see Norman Hartnell at his salon in Bruton Street and he was charming about it. He has been designing only for a few years since he left Cambridge and yet all the most important and glorious young people now buy their gowns from him. He is young, boyish and full of enthusiasm, and he said to me, “You know, I always like you to wear my clothes, Samantha. You look so exotic in them.” That’s a good description of my looks, but I only wish I felt exotic inside. However I shouldn’t complain. I should be grateful really, because if I didn’t have red hair and large green eyes, I should still be in Little Poolbrook organising the Church bazaars. Perhaps I would be happier if I had stayed there and never come to London – and never met David! Is it really better to have loved and lost? Sometimes I think love is all the tortures of the devil. Then I remember those moments of unbelievable ecstasy when David swept me up into the sky and I touched the stars –