Twelfth Night

Act 3, Scene IV

Enter OLIVIA and MARIA

OLIVIA

I have sent after him: he says he'll come;

How shall I feast him? what bestow of him?

For youth is bought more oft than begg'd or borrow'd.

I speak too loud.

Where is Malvolio? he is sad and civil,

And suits well for a servant with my fortunes:

Where is Malvolio?

MARIA

He's coming, madam; but in very strange manner. He

is, sure, possessed, madam.

OLIVIA

Why, what's the matter? does he rave?

MARIA

No. madam, he does nothing but smile: your

ladyship were best to have some guard about you, if

he come; for, sure, the man is tainted in's wits.

OLIVIA

Go call him hither.

Exit MARIA

I am as mad as he,

If sad and merry madness equal be.

Re-enter MARIA, with MALVOLIO

How now, Malvolio!

MALVOLIO

Sweet lady, ho, ho.

OLIVIA

Smilest thou?

I sent for thee upon a sad occasion.

MALVOLIO

Sad, lady! I could be sad: this does make some

obstruction in the blood, this cross-gartering; but

what of that? if it please the eye of one, it is

with me as the very true sonnet is, 'Please one, and

please all.'

OLIVIA

Why, how dost thou, man? what is the matter with thee?

MALVOLIO

Not black in my mind, though yellow in my legs. It

did come to his hands, and commands shall be

executed: I think we do know the sweet Roman hand.

OLIVIA

Wilt thou go to bed, Malvolio?

MALVOLIO

To bed! ay, sweet-heart, and I'll come to thee.

OLIVIA

God comfort thee! Why dost thou smile so and kiss

thy hand so oft?

MARIA

How do you, Malvolio?

MALVOLIO

At your request! yes; nightingales answer daws.

MARIA

Why appear you with this ridiculous boldness before my lady?

MALVOLIO

'Be not afraid of greatness:' 'twas well writ.

OLIVIA

What meanest thou by that, Malvolio?

MALVOLIO

'Some are born great,'--

OLIVIA

Ha!

MALVOLIO

'Some achieve greatness,'--

OLIVIA

What sayest thou?

MALVOLIO

'And some have greatness thrust upon them.'

OLIVIA

Heaven restore thee!

MALVOLIO

'Remember who commended thy yellow stocking s,'--

OLIVIA

Thy yellow stockings!

MALVOLIO

'And wished to see thee cross-gartered.'

OLIVIA

Cross-gartered!

MALVOLIO

'Go to thou art made, if thou desirest to be so;'--

OLIVIA

Am I made?

MALVOLIO

'If not, let me see thee a servant still.'

OLIVIA

Why, this is very midsummer madness.

Enter Servant

Servant

Madam, the young gentleman of the Count Orsino's is

returned: I could hardly entreat him back: he

attends your ladyship's pleasure.

OLIVIA

I'll come to him.

Exit Servant

Good Maria, let this fellow be looked to. Where's

my cousin Toby? Let some of my people have a special

care of him: I would not have him miscarry for the

half of my dowry.

Exeunt OLIVIA and MARIA

MALVOLIO

O, ho! do you come near me now? no worse man than

Sir Toby to look to me! This concurs directly with

the letter: she sends him on purpose, that I may

appear stubborn to him; for she incites me to that

in the letter. 'Cast thy humble slough,' says she;

'be opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants;

let thy tongue tang with arguments of state; put

thyself into the trick of singularity;' and

consequently sets down the manner how; as, a sad

face, a reverend carriage, a slow tongue, in the

habit of some sir of note, and so forth. I have

limed her; but it is Jove's doing, and Jove make me

thankful! And when she went away now, 'Let this

fellow be looked to:' fellow! not Malvolio, nor

after my degree, but fellow. Why, every thing

adheres together, that no dram of a scruple, no

scruple of a scruple, no obstacle, no incredulous

or unsafe circumstance--What can be said? Nothing

that can be can come between me and the full

prospect of my hopes. Well, Jove, not I, is the

doer of this, and he is to be thanked.

Re-enter MARIA, with SIR TOBY BELCH and FABIAN

SIR TOBY BELCH

Which way is he, in the name of sanctity? If all

the devils of hell be drawn in little, and Legion

himself possessed him, yet I'll speak to him.

FABIAN

Here he is, here he is. How is't with you, sir?

how is't with you, man?

MALVOLIO

Go off; I discard you: let me enjoy my private: go

off.

MARIA

Lo, how hollow the fiend speaks within him! did not

I tell you? Sir Toby, my lady prays you to have a

care of him.

MALVOLIO

Ah, ha! does she so?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Go to, go to; peace, peace; we must deal gently

with him: let me alone. How do you, Malvolio? how

is't with you? What, man! defy the devil:

consider, he's an enemy to mankind.

MALVOLIO

Do you know what you say?

MARIA

La you, an you speak ill of the devil, how he takes

it at heart! Pray God, he be not bewitched!

FABIAN

Carry his water to the wise woman.

MARIA

Marry, and it shall be done to-morrow morning, if I

live. My lady would not lose him for more than I'll say.

MALVOLIO

How now, mistress!

MARIA

O Lord!

SIR TOBY BELCH

Prithee, hold thy peace; this is not the way: do

you not see you move him? let me alone with him.

FABIAN

No way but gentleness; gently, gently: the fiend is

rough, and will not be roughly used.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Why, how now, my bawcock! how dost thou, chuck?

MALVOLIO

Sir!

SIR TOBY BELCH

Ay, Biddy, come with me. What, man! 'tis not for

gravity to play at cherry-pit with Satan: hang

him, foul collier!

MARIA

Get him to say his prayers, good Sir Toby, get him to pray.

MALVOLIO

My prayers, minx!

MARIA

No, I warrant you, he will not hear of godliness.

MALVOLIO

Go, hang yourselves all! you are idle shallow

things: I am not of your element: you shall know

more hereafter.

Exit

SIR TOBY BELCH

Is't possible?

FABIAN

If this were played upon a stage now, I could

condemn it as an improbable fiction.

SIR TOBY BELCH

His very genius hath taken the infection of the device, man.

MARIA

Nay, pursue him now, lest the device take air and taint.

FABIAN

Why, we shall make him mad indeed.

MARIA

The house will be the quieter.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Come, we'll have him in a dark room and bound. My

niece is already in the belief that he's mad: we

may carry it thus, for our pleasure and his penance,

till our very pastime, tired out of breath, prompt

us to have mercy on him: at which time we will

bring the device to the bar and crown thee for a

finder of madmen. But see, but see.

Enter SIR ANDREW

FABIAN

More matter for a May morning.

SIR ANDREW

Here's the challenge, read it: warrant there's

vinegar and pepper in't.

FABIAN

Is't so saucy?

SIR ANDREW

Ay, is't, I warrant him: do but read.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Give me.

Reads

'Youth, whatsoever thou art, thou art but a scurvy fellow.'

FABIAN

Good, and valiant.

SIR TOBY BELCH

[Reads] 'Wonder not, nor admire not in thy mind,

why I do call thee so, for I will show thee no reason for't.'

FABIAN

A good note; that keeps you from the blow of the law.

SIR TOBY BELCH

[Reads] 'Thou comest to the lady Olivia, and in my

sight she uses thee kindly: but thou liest in thy

throat; that is not the matter I challenge thee for.'

FABIAN

Very brief, and to exceeding good sense--less.

SIR TOBY BELCH

[Reads] 'I will waylay thee going home; where if it

be thy chance to kill me,'--

FABIAN

Good.

SIR TOBY BELCH

[Reads] 'Thou killest me like a rogue and a villain.'

FABIAN

Still you keep o' the windy side of the law: good.

SIR TOBY BELCH

[Reads] 'Fare thee well; and God have mercy upon

one of our souls! He may have mercy upon mine; but

my hope is better, and so look to thyself. Thy

friend, as thou usest him, and thy sworn enemy,

ANDREW AGUECHEEK.

If this letter move him not, his legs cannot:

I'll give't him.

MARIA

You may have very fit occasion for't: he is now in

some commerce with my lady, and will by and by depart.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Go, Sir Andrew: scout me for him at the corner the

orchard like a bum-baily: so soon as ever thou seest

him, draw; and, as thou drawest swear horrible; for

it comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a

swaggering accent sharply twanged off, gives manhood

more approbation than ever proof itself would have

earned him. Away!

SIR ANDREW

Nay, let me alone for swearing.

Exit

SIR TOBY BELCH

Now will not I deliver his letter: for the behavior

of the young gentleman gives him out to be of good

capacity and breeding; his employment between his

lord and my niece confirms no less: therefore this

letter, being so excellently ignorant, will breed no

terror in the youth: he will find it comes from a

clodpole. But, sir, I will deliver his challenge by

word of mouth; set upon Aguecheek a notable report

of valour; and drive the gentleman, as I know his

youth will aptly receive it, into a most hideous

opinion of his rage, skill, fury and impetuosity.

This will so fright them both that they will kill

one another by the look, like cockatrices.

Re-enter OLIVIA, with VIOLA

FABIAN

Here he comes with your niece: give them way till

he take leave, and presently after him.

SIR TOBY BELCH

I will meditate the while upon some horrid message

for a challenge.

Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH, FABIAN, and MARIA

OLIVIA

I have said too much unto a heart of stone

And laid mine honour too unchary out:

There's something in me that reproves my fault;

But such a headstrong potent fault it is,

That it but mocks reproof.

VIOLA

With the same 'havior that your passion bears

Goes on my master's grief.

OLIVIA

Here, wear this jewel for me, 'tis my picture;

Refuse it not; it hath no tongue to vex you;

And I beseech you come again to-morrow.

What shall you ask of me that I'll deny,

That honour saved may upon asking give?

VIOLA

Nothing but this; your true love for my master.

OLIVIA

How with mine honour may I give him that

Which I have given to you?

VIOLA

I will acquit you.

OLIVIA

Well, come again to-morrow: fare thee well:

A fiend like thee might bear my soul to hell.

Exit

Re-enter SIR TOBY BELCH and FABIAN

SIR TOBY BELCH

Gentleman, God save thee.

VIOLA

And you, sir.

SIR TOBY BELCH

That defence thou hast, betake thee to't: of what

nature the wrongs are thou hast done him, I know

not; but thy intercepter, full of despite, bloody as

the hunter, attends thee at the orchard-end:

dismount thy tuck, be yare in thy preparation, for

thy assailant is quick, skilful and deadly.

VIOLA

You mistake, sir; I am sure no man hath any quarrel

to me: my remembrance is very free and clear from

any image of offence done to any man.

SIR TOBY BELCH

You'll find it otherwise, I assure you: therefore,

if you hold your life at any price, betake you to

your guard; for your opposite hath in him what

youth, strength, skill and wrath can furnish man withal.

VIOLA

I pray you, sir, what is he?

SIR TOBY BELCH

He is knight, dubbed with unhatched rapier and on

carpet consideration; but he is a devil in private

brawl: souls and bodies hath he divorced three; and

his incensement at this moment is so implacable,

that satisfaction can be none but by pangs of death

and sepulchre. Hob, nob, is his word; give't or take't.

VIOLA

I will return again into the house and desire some

conduct of the lady. I am no fighter. I have heard

of some kind of men that put quarrels purposely on

others, to taste their valour: belike this is a man

of that quirk.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Sir, no; his indignation derives itself out of a

very competent injury: therefore, get you on and

give him his desire. Back you shall not to the

house, unless you undertake that with me which with

as much safety you might answer him: therefore, on,

or strip your sword stark naked; for meddle you

must, that's certain, or forswear to wear iron about you.

VIOLA

This is as uncivil as strange. I beseech you, do me

this courteous office, as to know of the knight what

my offence to him is: it is something of my

negligence, nothing of my purpose.

SIR TOBY BELCH

I will do so. Signior Fabian, stay you by this

gentleman till my return.

Exit

VIOLA

Pray you, sir, do you know of this matter?

FABIAN

I know the knight is incensed against you, even to a

mortal arbitrement; but nothing of the circumstance more.

VIOLA

I beseech you, what manner of man is he?

FABIAN

Nothing of that wonderful promise, to read him by

his form, as you are like to find him in the proof

of his valour. He is, indeed, sir, the most skilful,

bloody and fatal opposite that you could possibly

have found in any part of Illyria. Will you walk

towards him? I will make your peace with him if I

can.

VIOLA

I shall be much bound to you for't: I am one that

had rather go with sir priest than sir knight: I

care not who knows so much of my mettle.

Exeunt

Re-enter SIR TOBY BELCH, with SIR ANDREW

SIR TOBY BELCH

Why, man, he's a very devil; I have not seen such a

firago. I had a pass with him, rapier, scabbard and

all, and he gives me the stuck in with such a mortal

motion, that it is inevitable; and on the answer, he

pays you as surely as your feet hit the ground they

step on. They say he has been fencer to the Sophy.

SIR ANDREW

Pox on't, I'll not meddle with him.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Ay, but he will not now be pacified: Fabian can

scarce hold him yonder.

SIR ANDREW

Plague on't, an I thought he had been valiant and so

cunning in fence, I'ld have seen him damned ere I'ld

have challenged him. Let him let the matter slip,

and I'll give him my horse, grey Capilet.

SIR TOBY BELCH

I'll make the motion: stand here, make a good show

on't: this shall end without the perdition of souls.

Aside

Marry, I'll ride your horse as well as I ride you.

Re-enter FABIAN and VIOLA

To FABIAN

I have his horse to take up the quarrel:

I have persuaded him the youth's a devil.

FABIAN

He is as horribly conceited of him; and pants and

looks pale, as if a bear were at his heels.

SIR TOBY BELCH

[To VIOLA] There's no remedy, sir; he will fight

with you for's oath sake: marry, he hath better

bethought him of his quarrel, and he finds that now

scarce to be worth talking of: therefore draw, for

the supportance of his vow; he protests he will not hurt you.

VIOLA

[Aside] Pray God defend me! A little thing would

make me tell them how much I lack of a man.

FABIAN

Give ground, if you see him furious.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Come, Sir Andrew, there's no remedy; the gentleman

will, for his honour's sake, have one bout with you;

he cannot by the duello avoid it: but he has

promised me, as he is a gentleman and a soldier, he

will not hurt you. Come on; to't.

SIR ANDREW

Pray God, he keep his oath!

VIOLA

I do assure you, 'tis against my will.

They draw

Enter ANTONIO

ANTONIO

Put up your sword. If this young gentleman

Have done offence, I take the fault on me:

If you offend him, I for him defy you.

SIR TOBY BELCH

You, sir! why, what are you?

ANTONIO

One, sir, that for his love dares yet do more

Than you have heard him brag to you he will.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Nay, if you be an undertaker, I am for you.

They draw

Enter Officers

FABIAN

O good Sir Toby, hold! here come the officers.

SIR TOBY BELCH

I'll be with you anon.

VIOLA

Pray, sir, put your sword up, if you please.

SIR ANDREW

Marry, will I, sir; and, for that I promised you,

I'll be as good as my word: he will bear you easily

and reins well.

First Officer

This is the man; do thy office.

Second Officer

Antonio, I arrest thee at the suit of Count Orsino.

ANTONIO

You do mistake me, sir.

First Officer

No, sir, no jot; I know your favour well,

Though now you have no sea-cap on your head.

Take him away: he knows I know him well.

ANTONIO

I must obey.

To VIOLA

This comes with seeking you:

But there's no remedy; I shall answer it.

What will you do, now my necessity

Makes me to ask you for my purse? It grieves me

Much more for what I cannot do for you

Than what befalls myself. You stand amazed;

But be of comfort.

Second Officer

Come, sir, away.

ANTONIO

I must entreat of you some of that money.

VIOLA

What money, sir?

For the fair kindness you have show'd me here,

And, part, being prompted by your present trouble,

Out of my lean and low ability

I'll lend you something: my having is not much;

I'll make division of my present with you:

Hold, there's half my coffer.

ANTONIO

Will you deny me now?

Is't possible that my deserts to you

Can lack persuasion? Do not tempt my misery,

Lest that it make me so unsound a man

As to upbraid you with those kindnesses

That I have done for you.

VIOLA

I know of none;

Nor know I you by voice or any feature:

I hate ingratitude more in a man

Than lying, vainness, babbling, drunkenness,

Or any taint of vice whose strong corruption

Inhabits our frail blood.

ANTONIO

O heavens themselves!

Second Officer

Come, sir, I pray you, go.

ANTONIO

Let me speak a little. This youth that you see here

I snatch'd one half out of the jaws of death,

Relieved him with such sanctity of love,

And to his image, which methought did promise

Most venerable worth, did I devotion.

First Officer

What's that to us? The time goes by: away!

ANTONIO

But O how vile an idol proves this god

Thou hast, Sebastian, done good feature shame.

In nature there's no blemish but the mind;

None can be call'd deform'd but the unkind:

Virtue is beauty, but the beauteous evil

Are empty trunks o'erflourish'd by the devil.

First Officer

The man grows mad: away with him! Come, come, sir.

ANTONIO

Lead me on.

Exit with Officers

VIOLA

Methinks his words do from such passion fly,

That he believes himself: so do not I.

Prove true, imagination, O, prove true,

That I, dear brother, be now ta'en for you!

SIR TOBY BELCH

Come hither, knight; come hither, Fabian: we'll

whisper o'er a couplet or two of most sage saws.

VIOLA

He named Sebastian: I my brother know

Yet living in my glass; even such and so

In favour was my brother, and he went

Still in this fashion, colour, ornament,

For him I imitate: O, if it prove,

Tempests are kind and salt waves fresh in love.

Exit

SIR TOBY BELCH

A very dishonest paltry boy, and more a coward than

a hare: his dishonesty appears in leaving his

friend here in necessity and denying him; and for

his cowardship, ask Fabian.

FABIAN

A coward, a most devout coward, religious in it.

SIR ANDREW

'Slid, I'll after him again and beat him.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Do; cuff him soundly, but never draw thy sword.

SIR ANDREW

An I do not,--

FABIAN

Come, let's see the event.

SIR TOBY BELCH

I dare lay any money 'twill be nothing yet.

Exeunt