Twelfth Night

Act 4, Scene II

Enter MARIA and Clown

MARIA

Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard;

make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate: do

it quickly; I'll call Sir Toby the whilst.

Clown

Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself

in't; and I would I were the first that ever

dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to

become the function well, nor lean enough to be

thought a good student; but to be said an honest man

and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a

careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.

Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA

SIR TOBY BELCH

Jove bless thee, master Parson.

Clown

Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for, as the old hermit of

Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily

said to a niece of King Gorboduc, 'That that is is;'

so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for,

what is 'that' but 'that,' and 'is' but 'is'?

SIR TOBY BELCH

To him, Sir Topas.

Clown

What, ho, I say! peace in this prison!

SIR TOBY BELCH

The knave counterfeits well; a good knave.

MALVOLIO

[Within] Who calls there?

Clown

Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio

the lunatic.

MALVOLIO

Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.

Clown

Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man!

talkest thou nothing but of ladies?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Well said, Master Parson.

MALVOLIO

Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged: good Sir

Topas, do not think I am mad: they have laid me

here in hideous darkness.

Clown

Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most

modest terms; for I am one of those gentle ones

that will use the devil himself with courtesy:

sayest thou that house is dark?

MALVOLIO

As hell, Sir Topas.

Clown

Why it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes,

and the clearstores toward the south north are as

lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of

obstruction?

MALVOLIO

I am not mad, Sir Topas: I say to you, this house is dark.

Clown

Madman, thou errest: I say, there is no darkness

but ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled than

the Egyptians in their fog.

MALVOLIO

I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though

ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say, there

was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you

are: make the trial of it in any constant question.

Clown

What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl?

MALVOLIO

That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.

Clown

What thinkest thou of his opinion?

MALVOLIO

I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.

Clown

Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness:

thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will

allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock, lest

thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.

MALVOLIO

Sir Topas, Sir Topas!

SIR TOBY BELCH

My most exquisite Sir Topas!

Clown

Nay, I am for all waters.

MARIA

Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and

gown: he sees thee not.

SIR TOBY BELCH

To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how

thou findest him: I would we were well rid of this

knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I

would he were, for I am now so far in offence with

my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this

sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.

Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA

Clown

[Singing]

'Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,

Tell me how thy lady does.'

MALVOLIO

Fool!

Clown

'My lady is unkind, perdy.'

MALVOLIO

Fool!

Clown

'Alas, why is she so?'

MALVOLIO

Fool, I say!

Clown

'She loves another'--Who calls, ha?

MALVOLIO

Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my

hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink and paper:

as I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to

thee for't.

Clown

Master Malvolio?

MALVOLIO

Ay, good fool.

Clown

Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?

MALVOLIO

Fool, there was never a man so notoriously abused: I

am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.

Clown

But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no

better in your wits than a fool.

MALVOLIO

They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness,

send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to

face me out of my wits.

Clown

Advise you what you say; the minister is here.

Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore!

endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain

bibble babble.

MALVOLIO

Sir Topas!

Clown

Maintain no words with him, good fellow. Who, I,

sir? not I, sir. God be wi' you, good Sir Topas.

Merry, amen. I will, sir, I will.

MALVOLIO

Fool, fool, fool, I say!

Clown

Alas, sir, be patient. What say you sir? I am

shent for speaking to you.

MALVOLIO

Good fool, help me to some light and some paper: I

tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.

Clown

Well-a-day that you were, sir

MALVOLIO

By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper and

light; and convey what I will set down to my lady:

it shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing

of letter did.

Clown

I will help you to't. But tell me true, are you

not mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit?

MALVOLIO

Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true.

Clown

Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his

brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink.

MALVOLIO

Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree: I

prithee, be gone.

Clown

[Singing]

I am gone, sir,

And anon, sir,

I'll be with you again,

In a trice,

Like to the old Vice,

Your need to sustain;

Who, with dagger of lath,

In his rage and his wrath,

Cries, ah, ha! to the devil:

Like a mad lad,

Pare thy nails, dad;

Adieu, good man devil.