Hallows: Merciful Death

Do You Hate Me?

Bring Me The Horizon- Tear Drops

B.B:

Walking into this godforsaken house is a burning reminder of everything that's happened. My mom remodeled the house. The dark red walls were replaced with a soft gray shade. The black chandelier was painted white as if changing the color somehow erased its horrid past. As if changing everything made things better. They didn't. If anything it makes it all a little sicker. Like painting garbage gold and trying to hide the stench. It's rotting away inside.

"You're home," her voice calls from the family room. I stop at the bottom just before I fully rush up the stairs and turn to greet her. My mother is the last person I expected to see today. She usually calls when she's on her way back.

"I could say the same to you, mother. When did you get back?" I step back down the three steps I had rushed up and move into the family room to see her sitting at the piano.

"This morning. Where have you been?" she asks without glancing up at me.

"School," I hold up my longboard. Where else would I be?

"You haven't graduated?" she scoffs.

"No, I'm a junior," I remind her. Even if Delilah were alive, she'd be a senior this year. She looks up at me like she's checking which of her daughters she's speaking to. I don't entertain the rage in my chest, she'll be gone soon enough.

"Right. My mistake," she nods. "We're having dinner tonight,"

"Is Espinosa going to be there?" I try to mask my displeasure.

"Yes, your father will be there," she rolls her eyes at me.

"Detective Espinosa is not my f*****g father. Don't ever call him that again," I finally lose my composure.

"Dinner. Belladonna," she positions herself in front of the piano and begins to play her latest composition. It's a sad song. Most of her songs are sad as of late. They're calling it her blue period and her fans are eating it up.

I didn't press the issue. The last thing I want to do is show her how much her indifference affects me. I just go right up to my room and slam the door shut behind me. I place my backpack on my vanity and sit down in front of it. I am not going to make it through that dinner sober. No way in hell. I'm going to need something strong enough to keep my mouth shut or at the very least, agreeable. I open the jar at the far end of my vanity. I empty what's left of it onto my rolling tray and look for my cute new cones.

"Alexa, play my likes playlist on shuffle," I call out.

"Playing your My Likes Playlist. Pass the Nirvana by Pierce The Veil on sss music," my pink speaker calls out.

"Perfect," I whisper to myself.

"Turn it down," my mom hollers from downstairs.

"Alexa, turn the surround sound on," I call out. The music only gets louder as it's transferred to the speakers set up around my room. "f**k you, Ashley," I mumble under my breath.

The song changes to Popular Monster by Falling In Reverse. I finish filling my joints and clean up my mess before getting started on my homework. I ask the speaker to start up my PC as I move towards my balcony to smoke one of my pink joints. I love these pre-rolled cones. They have little cherries on them.

Today was interesting and it's probably going to get weirder with dinner tonight. It's been a long time since I've willingly interacted with anyone like this. I've been nothing but a ghost for almost two years. I barely remember any of it. I think about what happened today going through about halfway through my first joint before putting it out. If I get any higher, I'm going to fall asleep and Ashley is only going to make my life miserable. I do enough of that on my own, thank you very much.

"Belladonna," she finally snaps and starts pounding on my door. I think it was the Satan Couture song that played just before the one playing now. "Open up,"

"Alexa, pause music," I call out and go over to the door to open it. "What?"

"Can you-" she pauses taking a deep breath. "Are you smoking weed in here?"

"Yes," I nod. I'm not going to lie. I'm also not going to stop even if she asks. I like smoking. It helps the heavy buzzing in my head. It keeps me focused on what's in front of me rather than what's not in front of me anymore.

"Thank god," she groans. "Spare some. My guy is dry,"

"Are you serious?" I ask bemused. This feels like a trap.

"Yes, do you think I want to do this dinner sober?" she rolls her eyes and walks into my room.

Ashley Blackstone looks around until her eyes land on my dad's drumset in the far corner of my room. They're right in front of the fireplace. The look on her face makes me feel sorry for her so I go and stand in front of them with the rest of my joint held up. I'm not giving her my other one, but I do give her my electric lighter. She looks down at it and I know she knows where I took it from. She doesn't comment on it though, thank goodness. "You gonna let me smoke alone?"

"f**k it," I walk out to the balcony with her. I hope I fall asleep at the table. It's always fun to be high in front of my stepdad. He's a cop.

"Why do you still have those things in here?" she asks referring to my dad's drums.

"Because they're mine," I answer inhaling deeply. I hold the smoke in until it burns.

"I'm sorry I haven't been home in a while, B.B," she accepts the pink join, looking it over with a little smile on her face. "This house is f*****g haunted,"

"Yeah," I agree. "Welcome home by the way. How was your tour?"

"It was fine. I want to talk to you about something and I won't make you come down for dinner," she exhales a big puff of smoke with relief.

"Really?" I ask feeling the tightness in my body fade. My mind isn't racing anymore.

"Yeah," she nods with a tight smile. "I uh-I got offered a job in Italy. A conductor spot opened up on Orchestra Et Satanas in Milan. It's a two-year contract. I-what I want to ask is if you wanted to come with me? You know, so you can get out of this f*****g house,"

"You want me to go to Milan with you?" I ask confused.

"Yeah, finish off high school overseas. Learn a little Italiano maybe meet a cute Italian boy?" she smirks. "What do you say?"

"What about Espinosa?" I ask.

"f**k Espinosa," she scoffs. "My lawyer just finished my divorce papers. All he has to do is sign them,"

"Oh, s**t. You really want to go?" I smile. This has been her dream since she was a kid. I'm really happy for her.

"Yeah, I do. I am," she looks me over. "Look, Bella. I know this is home. But this place does s**t to-"

"I don't want to leave, ma," I shake my head. She turns her head away from me with a low groan.

"Okay," she flicks the butt out. "You're not like them, B.B. Your dad and Dilly. You know that right? You're like me. A fighter. I had a lot of fun here," she smiles. "I met your daddy here and to this day, that motherfucker is still the love of my life. Hellbourne is-" she wipes her eyes. "I hate it here. I know it feels like it's all you have left. Believe me, it's the only reason I don't burn this f*****g place down. We're here, Bella. We're alive. I want you to remember that. So, f*****g rebel, B. Burn the f*****g world for all I care. Just be sure to live the way you want,"

"Mom?" I have to know. I have to ask before I lose my nerve. I've always wanted to know why she looks at me the way she does. Why she avoids me like I'm infected. It feels that way sometimes. Like I'm some kind of infection that needs to be avoided at all costs. By her, my father, and my sister.

"Yeah?" she asks, leaning against the concrete balustrade. I haven't spoken to her like this in years. When we do acknowledge one another, it's to argue. To feel something more than the silence of this old house. The silence they left behind. The only emotion this place instills is madness.

"Do you hate me?" my voice comes out armored. There's a carefully calculated rage in it. Rage that will respond depending on how she answers. Yes, and I'll know exactly where I stand. No, and I'll never try to pull away from her again. I'll try my best to keep my opinions of her to myself. To be as respectful as I can.

"Never," she exhales and turns to me. "I can never hate you. You're a part of me and a part of him. The last piece of evidence that reassures me that this wasn't all some dream. I love you, Belladona Forever. I'm just a call away. Don't worry about anything. I've got you, yeah?"

"Yeah," I nod turning my body towards her.

She wipes my face and pulls me in for a proper hug. We stand here for a few seconds but they feel like an eternity. It becomes a little too much for the two of us and we step away at the same time. Her eyes don't meet mine as she dusts herself off and walks out of my room.

There isn't a moment when I don't think about the what-ifs. What if my dad wouldn't have chosen the easy way out? But in all honesty, I don't believe things would be better. He was always gone, just like her. That's what it means to have what they do. That special darkness in their soul. It's what consumed my father. What drives my mom. What pushed my sister to the edge.

For a long time, I didn't think I was poisoned by it. I considered myself normal. I tried to be normal. But the truth isn't that simple. I didn't know darkness until now. It didn't seduce its way into my life until now. I feel it inside of me itching around my soul trying to make its way to the surface as if it had been dormant most of my life and its awakening. Tainting everything I once was.

Delilah used to talk about it like it was something that was alive. She became a different person when she stood on that stage. Gone was the control freak pain in my ass when she was up there. In her element, in her place, Delilah was a demon. A raging monster that scared the hell out of me. I knew something was wrong with her. For months.

In the days leading up to her death, she was out of place. It's the only way I can describe what happened to her. Something happened, something she didn't want to say because she was scared. I would hear her crying on the other side of the bathroom door. She'd fall apart and her voice. Jesus Christ. There was a deep burning pain in her voice. When she spoke, when she sang. It sent cold stinging ripples through my body. I didn't know how to help her. I didn't know who to call. I watched my sister fall apart and I'm terrified. I feel like it's happening to me. Like whatever had possessed them to throw it all away is now inside of me.

It was the same with dad. He spent his last two weeks glued to our side. He smiled like never before. Loved my mom the way she craves and then he was gone. Just like her. I don't want that to happen to me. This thing inside of me. I need to figure out how to contain or expel it. I don't know what it is but it's stirring. I feel the change in me. My thoughts drift away from pretty clothes and songs to death and violence. It's silent. Deafening. Petrifying.

I give a little less f***s with each passing day. The rage becomes overwhelming. The darkness whispers its violence in my ear. It's a seducing little whisper. Inviting me to give in to it. I'm not sure what it wants yet but I need an outlet. Mom is right. I can't leave but I'm not like them. I refuse to roll over and die.

I want to live. I need to live.