THE CONFLICT #2

CHAPTER 11

NOVENA

This must be what it means to be someone’s mate. When I try to hold him accountable for what’s happened since the burning of the palace, all the anger and hate seems to get redirected to someone else. Like I can’t wrap my head around the fact that he is the one pulling the strings behind the scenes, when there is no question whether he is.

It's Pallas’s fault that the palace was attacked because he was angry at us for refusing his marriage proposal. It's his fault Maddie is dead.

I would rationalise even though I know that might have been a lie for him to get into the palace.

It’s my fault that the negotiations went badly, I’m not cut out to be queen.

It’s that black-haired female's fault that Emmaline almost died. Emmaline wouldn’t have reacted like that if that woman hadn’t attacked me.

It's my fault for getting us into this mess in the first place. Emmaline should have never opened her bedroom door.

And maybe some of this is true, maybe I shouldn’t just be laying the blame at Zelus’s feet. Maybe I’m just scared of my feelings, of the way my body reacts to him. And the boy in my dreams. I dreamt of him at least several times. All in different, strange places that I have never seen. I saw him do incredible things in these peculiar dreams that only seemed to last a few minutes. I thought… I don't know what I thought. Maybe that I was going crazy fantasizing about a powerful person that does not exist. Or at least didn't.

He is real.

A real life person and not just a figment of my imagination. And now I find myself wondering if everything I saw him do is real too. The look on his face when I almost got attacked was confusing. Was he scared like everyone else of Emmaline and what she can do? Or was he scared for me? If everything I dreamed and shared with him is true then he and I have been romantic. We've kissed and hugged, and if he experienced all of that too, then what does that mean for us? Is there even an us? I thought it was all a dream. The last time I had dreamt of him I had been mauled, reliving my worst nightmare from the burning palace. My scarred arm tingles almost as I reminder. I was bleeding to death and he had been there, distraught of the idea that he would never see me again. It felt real, all of it. Then I woke and I was in my bed, unharmed. How could it be real then? I think as a swell of emotions rise up inside my chest. I hug the pillow I lie on even tighter. How can this be happening to me? I turn my face into the feathered pillow to muffle the sounds of my sobs as my thoughts assault me over and over again with impossibilities and the reality of the situation I find myself in. When I calm enough to mull over the whole thing again I find myself wondering why he is a secret to the South? Is it his powers that the other Regius wish to hide? I don’t know, something seemed wrong. There is so much more at play here.

I’m out of my depth.

That much I know for certain. Zelus accompanied me to the room he had assigned to me after Emmaline was taken away. Then made his excuses to leave. The blonde-haired servant girl, Nina, has been here to bring me food, but she claims to know nothing of Emmaline’s health. Since then, I’ve been wallowing in my despair. And why not? Everything’s gone to hell. Fresh tears spring to my eyes with the thought. Emmaline could be dead, and I don’t even know yet. No one has come to tell me anything.

I have to get it together.

Werewolves value power, they value strength and ferocity. I certainly am a far cry but being cast amongst the wolves, I should certainly try. I wonder what I’ll see while I’m here. If Zelus will let me see anything. This might not be my choice, but I plan to use this to my advantage. Never before has a Mace been given such an opportunity. A chance to watch and study the enemy, in their mists, right under their nose. They might not see me as anyone worth worrying over but I hope to make them regret that. I trust in their arrogance to underestimate me. I pause, chewing at my lip in worry. Without Emmaline and her powers, am I overestimating myself? Time will certainly tell what will become of me. Although, the title of Queen is probably far beyond my reach now. Thinking of titles, my thoughts turn to the King. My father is here somewhere. I should ask to see him as well, the next time Zelus decides to grace me with his presence. I wonder how long he will stay away for. In the meantime, Ill work on gathering my self-control. Ill work on changing my mindset. Ill listen and store whatever I can wherever I am. My mind is all I have now. The mind is a powerful thing and so I repeat these words until they are the only thing running through my head, until I believe them.

Strength is power; but intelligence is the sharpest weapon.