The Gamma's Dark Witch

15 - Bathed in Moonlight

(Nisha)

That second night, I felt unsettled. Something called to me, and I couldn’t ignore it. I tried to open the window to let the moonlight in and settled back into bed, but sleep wouldn’t find me. I tugged on my shawl, Soleil’s shawl, actually, but I borrowed it. I knew she wouldn't mind, but I wanted something of hers.

I opened my door. I didn’t know where I was going, but I knew that I needed to go outside. I felt my powers take hold and solidify at night, and the moon was bright and beckoning.

The soft carpet turned to cool stone under my bare feet. No one was around, I didn’t know what time it was, but it was the first time I didn’t see people bustling around. I was still unsure of what this place was. Part home, part communal space. I had never seen anything like it. I thought that people in power would be more removed from their subjects, but Jackson and Isla were fully integrated into their pack.

As soon as I took a step outside, I felt more settled. The darkness settled around me, like calling to like, and I didn’t shy away from it. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths of the cool, moon-soaked air and felt both alive and at peace. My feet padded over the soft grass, and I opened my arms, soaking in the night sky, the darkness that was inside me, around me. I felt whole.

A twig snapped. “S.hit,” a low voice rumbled.

I took in my surroundings that weren’t the sky for the first time. Cameron, the brooding blonde, was sitting alone on the bench we left Isla at yesterday. He was wearing sweatpants and a white shirt, and he looked away from me, running his hand through his hair in a motion that surprisingly made my throat dry. I took a few tentative steps forward, and he tensed.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” I called out.

He snorted. “I’m not worried about that,” he said.

“I don’t believe you.”

His dark green eyes locked on mine; even though I couldn’t see them from this distance, I had them memorized. They haunted my dreams, or they might have been nightmares.

“Why?”’ he asked.

I shrugged. “Most people I’ve met, no matter what species, are scared of us at worst and apprehensive at best,” I said lightly, but I could hear the slight hurt in my voice. I took a few more steps closing the space between him.

Cameron looked at me and scanned my face, but his expression didn’t change.

“I’ll let you be,” I said, “I just need a few more minutes out here.” I went to turn from him.

“Recharging your powers?” he asked. I couldn’t tell if his voice was curious or mocking.

I turned back to him, taking a seat near the bench on the cool grass. I ran my fingers through it, grounding myself. “I guess you could say that. I always felt more connected to them at night. I feel calm outside under the moon. It quiets things. It’s simple.”

“I understand,” he whispered and glanced down.

“What are you doing here?” My curiosity overcame me.

“I wanted to get away from my thoughts.”

“What do you do when sleep evades you?” I asked.

He shrugged. It was stiff and barely perceptible. “What do you do?” he asked. His voice was both fire and ice at once.

“I never had a problem with it until recently. Then I would walk or wander depending on the cause of my sleeplessness.” I thought of those restless nights when I would go and study the abandoned village of the wolves. I pushed that thought away.

“Do you always know?”

“What?”

“What causes you to stay awake at night?” he asked, finally looking at me.

“Yes,” I replied honestly, “It’s during the day when my thoughts are more muddled. I find those harder to work through.”

He nodded once, and his jaw ticked. “Things are always muddled. I used to think they were clear, that I could make them concise, but I don’t know if they ever were. I was compartmentalizing things that aren’t meant to be shoved into different boxes. It would help the worry-” he abruptly stopped talking as if he just remembered where he was.

“What do you worry about?” I tried.

“Everything. Things that happened, things that will happen, could happen.”

“Why?” I asked, “That sound like a lot of worrying to do over things you can’t control-” I ran my palm along the grass slick with midnight dew.

“But I can control them,” his voice was hard.

“Can you?” I looked at him. If he could figure out how to control every aspect of his life, I wanted to know the secret.

“I could if-”

I shook my head. “You can’t. Sometimes the only thing you can manage is your reactions. I know no one wants to hear that they can’t change their fate, but I think some things might be pre-written. That no matter what choices we make, it will still lead up to some of the same paths.” I wanted to believe that, at least, it would make my path in life easier to accept, but maybe I was just forcing myself to believe in something entirely self-serving.

His eyes met mine, and he stared at me for a long minute. “I hate that feeling too,” I added. “I wish I had more choices, but to think that every outcome is based on a significant choice would not only be mentally draining but also would be self-conceited to a fault.” I laughed.

“What do you mean?” he demanded.

“To think that us mere mortals, or whatever we are, have that much say in the universe. You aren’t a god.” I studied him and swallowed, the perfect planes of his face, the self-assured power that radiated off of him, the swell of his arms, and I thought he very well might be a god.

“So, you’re fine with the thought that your choices have no consequences?” he raised an eyebrow sounding bored.

I took a deep breath. “That’s not what I said. Every choice, every action will have consequences, good and bad. I said that we are not in control of every consequence. You cannot begin to take into account others' actions and reactions to your choices.” I smiled at him. “It’s like a spool of yarn, you choose the direction it starts, but it unspools itself, gets tangled, stops, and starts. A choice, even seemingly insignificant, changes things we can’t begin to plan for or understand. Some can be undone, some wrongs unraveled, but ultimately." I shrugged, letting my hair fall over my shoulder. "We don’t have as much control as we think we do.” I sighed. I had even less control or choice than he or anyone here did.

His dark blonde brows knitted together, and he sat back on the bench. “But..” he trailed off and looked down. His eyes scanned the ground, but I didn’t know what he was looking for.

“You aren’t in charge of every outcome, the possibilities; they are as infinite as the stars.” I breathed. I tucked my knees up and encircled my arms around them, studying the night sky. “And who can blame a star?” I murmured to myself. I don’t know if I was trying to convince myself my actions with the river were okay. “Do you think not making a choice is a choice?” I asked, still scanning the night sky. The stars were bright here, twinkling against a deep velvety blue sky.

“Yes,” he replied matter-of-factly.

“That’s what I was afraid of.” I settled my chin on my knees.

We sat in silence for long minutes that might have turned into hours. I felt so completely removed from my troubles here. So indescribably content.

A few lights flickered on at the back of the packhouse; it must be nearing morning. Reluctantly, I pulled myself up from the grass. A sinking feeling settled around me that reminded me of loss as I stood and headed toward the great house.

“Goodnight, Cameron,” I said, chancing a quick glance back. He didn’t look at me. He sat unmoving, unchanging, staring into the darkness.

“Nisha,” I swore I heard on the wind, but I knew it must have been my own imagination.

________

I didn’t see or speak to Cameron again until I left.

(Cam)

That night I wanted to leave as soon as she came out, but something stopped me. The way she described choices made me think. Lucas and Jackson always said I was too hard on myself and I couldn't control the outcomes. But I always brushed them off. But she was right, not that I would let her know it. We can't plan for everything. It made me both relieved and more nervous to even try to accept that I couldn't control others responses and reactions.

I kept meaning to leave, but I couldn't bring myself to. The tangle of worries and waves of confusion and unease that were constant companions quieted completely for the first time I could remember. So I stayed silent, under the cover of darkness, watching her moonlight hair that put the stars to shame.

___

I rewatched the footage of Nisha from the few days she was here and saved it all to our hard drive. Just to make sure I didn't miss anything.