Guiding light

Sweetest dream

!!!! CAUTION!!!! self-harming content! If you or anyone around you are having similar thoughts, please reach out for help because you are not alone!

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Perdita

I was dragged back into the lighthouse and locked inside. I've tried to keep myself together but couldn't anymore. I fell to the cold ground and curled into a ball. My hair was dripping with the salty water of the ocean and I couldn't get the terrified look Tyler had on his face when he saw the real me.

- He will never come back... - I've thought and after long time, my tears started to fall. I knew that it was too good to be true. But if I deserve such a miserable life, why did God show me that it could be any other way? Why am I still here? Is it a sick joke of his, to pull me through all this Hell and just show me a glimpse of Heaven to shatter me into pieces again? If I could leave this place! I got up wiped off my tears and walked to the door.

- I can do it! - I thought and put my hand on the doorknob. As soon as my trembling hand touched the old, rusty metal knob, memories of Emilio came back into my mind. How he protected me till his last breath while I've never deserved his love and caring. I was nothing more than a killer, a monster. I shouldn't be alive, so why am I still here? I walked to the kitchen and grabbed a knife. Walked to the bathroom and ran the bathtub full with warm water. I have grabbed the only nice clothes I still owned, an old, but nice, white dress decorated with tiny forget-me-nots. I slid into the warm water and took the collar off. With a quick and clean cut, I've dug the knife into my underarm and watched as my blood poured, painting the water in the bathtub crimson red. The little forget-me-nots turned purple and for the first time in forever, I just sang my heart out. I hoped that when open my eyes for the next time, my suffering will be over.

"Come on, hold my hand

I wanna contact the living

Not sure I understand

This role I've been given

I sit and talk to God

And he just laughs at my plans

My head speaks a language

I don't understand

I just wanna feel real love

Feel the home that I live in

'Cause I got too much life

Running through my veins

Going to waste

I don't wanna die

But I ain't keen on living either" - my voice slowly died and I took a deep breath before I've dived under the iron scented water with a relieved smile on my face. Soon my sufferings will be over.

The room was dark, and the water cold as ice. All I could hear was the sound of the water moved by the howling wind and my own heartbeats. I came to the surface and felt a pang in my chest. I didn't succeed. The bathroom door swung open and the mayor stormed in. He turned the light on and when he saw the red water he just laughed. He walked to the bathtub and yanked my hair pulling me out of the water. Then he dragged me back to the tower and I hit the cold floor again. Me kneeled next to me and put another shocking collar on my neck, he also hit my body with a shocker and since I was still wet from the bathtub the electricity rushed through my body inside and outside as well. He got up and said.

- I can't even laugh at these pathetic attempts anymore. Did you really think you can escape so easily? There are too many innocent's blood drying on your hands. There is no God who'd let you off the hook so easily. You always survive, that's only proof of the fact that you deserve something worse than death! - he said and I saw red. I just wanted to pass away! I don't want to feel lonely, hurt, anymore. I don't want to feel pain, I just want nothing. I want to end my misery but I simply can't. I got up and approached the mayor. I looked straight into his eyes and despite the pain by the collar I've said.

- Since I'm a monster that can't die, and I've already killed so many people, one more or less won't be an issue am I right? - before he could've answered I grabbed him by his belt and threw him over the railing of the tower. His screams were muffled by the storm and I held him there. That fat, old bastard begged for his useless life to me! I couldn't help but laugh and this time the laughter made my heart flutter a bit. The irony of the situation was simply majestic. I pulled him back and said.

- With this I prove that I'm not a monster by choice, you are making one out of me! - It was time to stop talking since I could smell the scent of my burning skin and flesh. The mayor didn't say another word, I could see that he peed himself and he ran away. I turned the lights on and started searching the water with the ray of light. I knew it was hopeless, but I tried to spot that little fisherman's ship.

If that was our only encounter, at least you showed me that there are heros in this wretched world. If you were only a dream, you were the sweetest dream of mine.