Nothing but Trouble

Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

MY HANDS SHOOK as I set the envelope down on Edith’s coffee table. Where was the corkscrew? I hunted through a couple of drawers before I found it hiding behind a spoon.

After knocking back two glasses of white, I was still too scared to find out my fate. Nothing like putting things off, eh? The thin, cream monster taunted me all the way through two episodes of Grey’s Anatomy, another glass of wine and some movie about vampires.

Darkness greeted me when I woke up. Rain battered the windows, and an eerie glow came from the television set in the corner where an overly perky woman tried to sell me a miracle in mineral make-up. The envelope sat untouched.

I reached towards it, but the throbbing in my head made me sit back again. I gave the empty wine bottle a filthy look Barry himself would have been proud of. The pain was all its fault.

I tried again, and this time I snagged the envelope. When I first put it on the table, Edith’s elegant cursive flowed across the outside, but right now it all looked a little blurry. Perhaps this wasn’t the best time to try and read it? No, I’d have another try in the morning. I heaved myself up the stairs and passed out once more.

The sun had risen when I rolled out of bed, and it was bright. Too bright. What time was it?

Oh, look, it was eight forty-five.

Eight forty-five? My shift started at nine!

I scrambled round, wiping my face and throwing my hair into a messy bun so I’d get away without washing it. By some miracle, a bit of sweat, and a lot of rapid pedalling, I made it to my desk by ten past nine.

Barry was waiting.

“What sort of time do you call this?”

“I’m sor—”

“Sorry won’t cut it, Ellen. This persistent flouting of the rules is unacceptable. I’ll have to give you a formal warning.”

As recently as yesterday, his words would have thrown me into a spin. Jobs weren’t easy to come by, especially for an English literature graduate who couldn’t drive and refused to sleep with the boss for a promotion. But seeing as Albert had already put me through a full wash cycle, I felt strangely calm.

Barry wittered on while I thought about my meeting yesterday evening. Edith had left me that money to complete my challenge. If I was careful, surely I could manage to live on it for a year?

I tuned back in just as Barry gave me a smug grin. “If it happens again, I’ll be forced to let you go.”

Feeling a lightness that I hadn’t known since I was a child, I smiled back at him. “Barry, I quit.”

Shock registered on his face. Bullies weren’t used to someone else getting their own way.

“What? You can’t. We’ve got calls waiting.”

“Why don’t you try answering them yourself instead of eating donuts all morning?”

His mouth dropped open as I turned and headed for the door. Boy, that felt good.

A weight lifted from my shoulders as I walked outside, and I felt like whistling as I hopped back on my bike and pedalled away. Only problem was, I couldn’t whistle.

As I put some distance between myself and Payright Insurance, between my old life and my new, a different kind of heaviness settled over me. Who knew a tiny envelope could weigh so much? It felt like the force of an ocean was pressing on my shoulders.

The first thing I’d do when I got home was open it. Or at least, I’d make myself a cup of tea, then open it. Hmmm, had I remembered to water the plants this week?

I was so busy thinking up excuses that I didn’t see Jaz’s minivan until I almost rode into it. A swift tug on the brakes saved me from crashing, but I couldn’t help groaning when I saw Stevie strapped into his car seat. He fiddled with the buckle, trying to get out in order to continue his reign of terror.

“What the hell did you do?” asked Jaz, walking around the bonnet. “Sue called me and said you quit?”

“I don’t quite know what came over me. I just couldn’t stand the sight of Barry any more.”

“Goodness, girl, I wish I had the guts to do that. I suppose you’ll be job-hunting now?”

“Not exactly...” It all came tumbling out, Edith’s challenge and the year I had to complete it.

“So what precisely is it you’ve got to do?”

“I don’t know yet.”

“How can you not have opened the envelope?”

I shrugged, not wanting to admit that I was a complete chicken.

Jaz grabbed the house keys out of my hand and marched towards the front door. “We’re going to find out, right now.”

I looked back at the car. “What about Stevie?”

It was her turn to groan. “Oh, yeah. Stevie.”

She turned back to the car and released him. The sun chose that moment to go behind a cloud, signalling the arrival of the Prince of Darkness and the havoc that he brought. I kept a careful watch as she carried him into the house. The last time Jaz turned her back on him in there, he’d decided to re-plant Edith’s favourite orchid in the toilet bowl.

But as we walked into the living room, I closed my eyes when I saw the envelope sitting right where I left it.

“Go on then,” Jaz said. “Open it.” She stepped forward and gave me a nudge, whereupon Stevie quickly wrapped his sticky fingers around my hair. “Oops. Hang on a sec.”

She untangled me, and I gingerly picked up the letter of doom. Even now, I wasn’t ready to read it, but with Jaz there I had no choice. If I didn’t look at it myself, she’d have the list in her hand before I could blink, and even if I locked myself in the bathroom she’d shout it through the door. I had to do it. Holding my breath, I unsealed the flap and slid out the paper nestled inside.

Jaz looked over my shoulder, careful to keep Stevie out of reach as we started to read.

Dearest Ella,

I’d always hoped to be around to see you come out of your shell and blossom into the confident young woman I know is hiding inside you, but as you’re reading this, it wasn’t to be.

I worry that without someone to give you a nudge in the right direction, you’ll let life pass you by, so it has to be me that gives you that push.

That’s why I’ve made you a list of things to do, each one chosen to help you overcome the fears that have been holding you back. You have a year, because I know if I give you forever, that’s how long you’ll take.

I’m positive you’ve got it in you to do this, and I look forward to seeing your progress from wherever I’ve ended up. It will be a sweet moment for both of us when you finish. You’ll be ready to take on the world. You only have one life—grab it with both hands, dance with it, treasure it, love it.

Here are your challenges:

1. Get a makeover. You need to stop hiding behind long hair and baggy clothes.

2. Pass your driving test and take a Ferrari out for a spin.

3. Learn to ride a horse and compete in a dressage competition.

4. Go abseiling.

5. Sing on stage in front of an audience.

6. Get up close and personal with an elephant.

7. Try skiing.

8. Take a gamble in a casino.

9. Enjoy some music live by going to a concert.

10. Go speed-dating.

11. Ride on a motorbike.

12. Explore underwater by going scuba diving.

13. Travel overseas.

14. Be an extra in a film.

15. Throw a party. If you’ve completed everything else, you’ll have a reason to celebrate.

Albert will keep an eye on you—don’t forget to provide him with the evidence that you’ve completed each task. Who knows? You might even meet a nice young man on your journey. I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed.

Thank you for bringing joy into an old lady’s life. I hope I can do the same for you.

Love, Edith

I gulped in a huge mouthful of air as I finished, having forgotten to inhale while I was reading. My fingers shook as I skimmed the letter again, hoping I’d misread it somehow. I hadn’t. If anything, it was worse the second time around.

I knew in my heart Edith was right—I didn’t so much let life pass me by, it steamrollered me, and I lay down in the road and let it.

“But I can’t do all that,” I said. “I mean, abseiling? Edith knew I’m terrified of heights.”

“I think that’s the whole point.”

I sat down heavily on the sofa. “And horses? I haven’t been near one of those four-legged spawns of Satan since I fell off one when I was seven.”

Yes, I remembered it well. My parents had still been alive then, and Mum had decided to capitalise on my obsession with My Little Pony by putting me on a real one. The teacher told me to give it a little kick, so I did, and it shot off, leaving me behind on the ground.

Jaz plopped down beside me and put an arm around my shoulders. “You have to do your best. I mean, at the end of it you’ll get this place, and that’s a pretty big incentive. I’ll help you, I promise.”

A tear rolled down my cheek. “I know I’ve got to have a go. It’s just with Edith gone, and now this... It’s a lot to take.”

“She’s right, though. You have been hiding away. Especially since Terry.”

“I didn’t feel like facing people after that. He was cavorting with Demi for ages.”

“At least she did the sensible thing and dumped him properly.”

I stifled a giggle. She had indeed. It turned out Miss Demeanor commanded quite a following on social media, and she’d used it in her favour. Now half of Reading knew Terry had a d**k the size of a peanut and thought a 69 was a kind of ice cream. We’d even become friends after Edith invited her round for dinner as a thank you for the pole dancing lesson. Every so often, we’d meet up for lunch to commiserate over our choice in men.

“She did us both proud, but I’m still not sure I’m ready to meet someone else. And speed dating? I wasn’t even good at normal dating.” I’d be lucky if I managed to get my name and one half-coherent sentence out before it was time to move on to the next person.

“You’ll get better. Some of the things Edith’s picked look like a lot of fun.”

“You can do them, then.”

She smiled and shook her head. “You need to provide evidence you’ve completed everything. That means photos. I don’t think anyone’s going to confuse the two of us, seeing as I’m five foot zero and Indian, and you’re five foot seven and pale as a ghost.”

I sighed. This was a nightmare come to life. I needed a cup of...wine. I needed wine.

As I got up to go to the kitchen, I glanced at Jaz on the sofa and realised there was something wrong with the picture.

“Er, where’s Stevie?”

“Oh crap!” She turned pink. “He was just here a second ago.”

A crash echoed through the house, and we ran for the dining room. Stevie crouched on top of the table, pushing plates off one by one.

“s**t, I’m sorry!” Jaz rushed past and scooped him up, and he burst into tears.

“It’s okay. They were only cheap ones.” It was the previous dinner service that cost a fortune, and he’d broken that a couple of months before.

“I don’t know what to do with him. The doctor said he’d grow out of it.”

How about a straitjacket? “I’m sure it’s just a phase.”

She carried the struggling toddler through to the kitchen, and I uncorked a bottle of wine. If nothing else, I’d meet new people at the Alcoholics Anonymous meetings I was bound to end up at.

“Do you want a biscuit?” I asked Jaz.

She shook her head and Stevie stuck his hand out. He might have trouble comprehending the word “no,” but he understood the names of all his favourite foods.

“I’ve started Weight Watchers again,” she said. “I already ate two cupcakes I wasn’t supposed to yesterday, and I’ve got a weigh-in on Monday after work.”

Since I’d known her, Jaz had tried just about every fad diet going. I was surprised the calories didn’t melt off with all the running around she had to do after Stevie, but she resorted to chocolate every time he did something bad. She most likely had KitKats on bulk order.

“I don’t know what I’m doing on Monday. I mean, now I’m jobless,” I said.

“That’s easy. You’re starting your list. Actually, no. Why wait? You can start it tomorrow. No time like the present.”

“Maybe I should have a bit of a think about it first. You know, work out the best order to do things in.”

“You’re not getting out of it that easily. Just start at the top and work down. That means tomorrow’s makeover day. You can get your hair done, and I’ll meet you for shopping after I escape from Barry. The mall’s open until eight.”

“I don’t know where to begin with a makeover.”

“Just google some celebrities and find one you want to look like. Then tell the stylist, and they’ll do the rest.”

“It’s that easy?”

“Absolutely. It couldn’t be simpler. You should try that new salon next to John Lewis. I know someone who went there last week, and her hair looks awesome.”

She made it sound so straightforward. Was it possible I’d made too big a deal out of this?

Maybe.

I desperately tried to see the positive side, and after Jaz and the tiny tyrant departed, I started on phase one of operations—finding my perfect hairstyle.