All Grown Up

Valentina Buy a thong. I rubbed my eyes and leaned in to re-read the Post-it Note stuck on the lampshade beside the couch where I’d fallen asleep. I had to be reading that wrong. Nope. It read buy a thong, alright. Only it wasn’t in my handwriting. Smiling, I pulled the yellow square from the girly looking tasseled lampshade, which tilted as I unstuck the note. I automatically reached to right it, then pulled back. A tilted shade or crooked painting made Ryan nuts. Leaving it gave me a renewed sense of joy about my divorce. Come to think of it, my ex-husband had hated this lamp set when I’d brought it home. Like the dutiful wife I was, I’d hidden them away in the guest bedroom. The day after Ryan moved out, I’d dusted them off and carried them out to the living room. I’d since bought some coordinating fringed throw pillows he’d hate, too. I stood, and my dull headache began to throb. Ugh. Wine hangover. I padded to the kitchen for some much-needed coffee and two Tylenol. On my way, I found another sticky note—this one on the front door. Join Match.com I pulled the yellow square off and crumpled it up, along with the thong note. Last night had been movie night with my best friend, Eve. Once a month, we shared a bottle of wine (or two) and watched movies. We’d been doing it since senior year in high school—more years than I wanted to compute so early in the morning. It was no secret to anyone who knew me that I had a slight obsession with sticky notes. On most days, you could find to-do squares stuck to my front door, bathroom mirror, the dashboard of my car…just about anywhere. Wadding up the individual papers as I finished each task made me feel like I was getting things accomplished. These days, the squares were all over the place—quadruple the amount I normally had—because I’d been using them to study for the Italian language teaching certification test. Post-its with translated phrases were all over the house. Apparently, my best friend had gotten in on the action before she left me passed out on the couch last night. Get laid was stuck to the refrigerator. At least I was reading her to-do list in order—I needed the thong and Match.com to get my celibate self some action. It wasn’t until hours later that I came across the last of Eve’s sticky notes. The one stuck to the bathroom mirror read: Brunch with my amazing best friend. Noon Sunday, Capital Grille on 72nd. “You should go out with Liam.” Every other Sunday, Eve and I went to a different restaurant to check out the competition. She owned a French bistro on the Upper East Side and liked to sample the menus and check out the pricing of new places—though today she seemed to be checking out more things than usual. “Liam? As in our waiter?” “Yup.” “How old is he, like twenty?” Eve lifted a martini glass filled with pink liquid to her lips. “I have vibrators older than him.” She sipped. “But he’s over the age of consent. And I’m guessing I could throw those things out if I took him home. I bet he can get an erection on command.” Eve snapped her fingers, demonstrating how it might work. “Hard, Liam.” I chuckled. “You’d probably need to throw Tom out if you brought that young man home.” “Don’t tempt me. He fell asleep in the chair at eight o’clock last night. What kind of a friend lets her best friend marry an old man?” “Like any of us could’ve stopped you, even if we’d thought marrying Tom was a mistake. Which it wasn’t. Besides, who the hell else would put up with you? We all were just grateful you weren’t going to die an old maid.” “Speaking of old maids…” “Don’t even go there.” “Have you gone out with Mark yet?” “Mark and I are just friends.” “And he wants to jump your bones.” “The ink on my divorce papers is barely dry.” “It’s been eighteen months.” Really? January, February, March, April… Oh my. It has been. Where does the time go these days? “Eighteen months isn’t a long time.” “You were separated for two years before that. How long has it been since you’ve had good s*x?” “How did we get from talking about you to my s*x life? Or lack thereof? Again.” Eve had started lobbying for me to date while Ryan was still packing his s**t into the moving truck. She meant well. But lately she’d amped up her normal nudge to a full-blown push. She ignored my attempt to change the subject. “How long? Two-and-a-half years, Val?” “Actually.” I pushed the pasta on my plate around with my fork. “If we’re talking good s*x, sadly, it’s more like ten years. Ryan wasn’t exactly passionate toward the end.” The very handsome (and very young) waiter came back to our table. “Can I get you ladies anything else?” When he spoke, he looked directly at me. I might not be up on the dating scene, but I could swear that was flirting. “Some dessert? Something sweet, maybe?” He really is adorable. “Umm…I’m pretty full, actually. But thank you.” “It’s on me. Can’t I tempt you even a little? Let me surprise you. You never know, sometimes a little taste is all you need to get your appetite going again.” I looked at his forearms—corded and tattooed. You can say that again. “Umm…sure. Maybe I’ll take one home for Ryan.” The waiter’s smile disappeared right before he did. “What the hell did you do that for?” Eve scolded. “What?” “Mention a man’s name to a guy who was hitting on you.” “I meant Ryan, my son—he might be coming home from college this weekend—not my asshole ex-husband. ” “I knew that. But hot-ass waiter didn’t.” “So? You don’t seriously think I’m going to hook up with a twenty-year-old, do you?” “Why not? You don’t have to marry him. You just need to get back out there, Val.” “I am out there. I just haven’t met anyone.” Eve’s face screamed bullshit. And she was right. Since my divorce, I hadn’t even attempted to meet anyone. Honestly, the thought terrified me. The last date I had was in eighth grade when Jimmy Marcum took me to the middle school graduation dance. My ex-husband Ryan and I had been together since high school. “I’m nervous about dating. I never really did it.” I grabbed the napkin from my lap, feeling a sneeze coming on. “Achoo!” “God bless you.” She leaned forward and covered my hand with hers. “I know, sweetheart. But the longer you wait to get back out there, the harder it gets. You’re overthinking it.” We paid the bill and walked to our cars with our arms linked. When we arrived at my Volkswagen Routan, Eve shook her head. “You need to get a different car.” “What? Why?” My silver SUV was in great shape. “Volkswagens are cool.” “Yes. The one Lara Meyer’s older brother drove to high school was cool. A hippie bus or a little bug convertible, maybe. That thing…is a minivan. It looks like you’re driving around a car full of kids to soccer practice before going home to make your husband dinner.” “That’s exactly what I used it for.” “Used it for. You’ve had that thing for ten years. Your kid started driving his own car almost three years ago, for God’s sake. I don’t think you need the minivan to take him to practice anymore.” “Whatever. It’s just a car.” “Want to catch a movie tomorrow?” “I can’t, actually. I have study group. The test is coming up soon.” “See you next Saturday, then?” I squinted. “You’re coming to our Memorial Day barbeque.” “Wow, is it the end of May already? I think my calendar is filled through June.” Eve kissed my cheek. “Wiseass.” She walked to her car parked a few spots away and yelled over her shoulder as she unlocked her BMW. “By the way, I wrote your telephone number on the back of the check for the hot waiter. Goodnight, Valentina. Enjoy.” Based on the grin she gave me as she rolled past me and waved, I had no idea if she was kidding or serious. Jesus, I hope she was kidding. The next morning when I powered my phone on, I had two missed calls from an unknown number and a text from Mark. Mark: Chinese or Italian tonight? It was Mark’s turn to host our Saturday evening study group, and the host supplied dinner. He lived in Edgewater like me. Desiree and Allison, the other two in our foursome, lived on the other side of the river in Manhattan. Valentina: You do know my maiden name is Di Giovanni, right? I’m never picking moo shu over meatballs. ☺ Mark: Di Giovanni, huh? That’s much more sexy than Davis. You should use it. It suits you better. Italian, it is. See you at five. He really was a nice guy. Moving things from friendship to more wouldn’t be that difficult. We had a lot in common—both divorced, kids around the same age, and decided on a late-in-life career change to teaching. But I just didn’t see him in that light. Not that I’d actually put any effort into trying, even though I was pretty certain he saw me that way. As was Eve. My phone buzzed as I poured my morning coffee. Unknown caller. Hmm…the third one since last night. I swiped ignore and thumbed off a text to Eve. Valentina: Did you really give that waiter my number last night? She responded by the time I’d finished my first dose of caffeine. Eve: No. But I might have accidentally given your phone number to someone else. Valentina: Accidentally? How do you accidentally give a phone number to someone? Eve: Promise you won’t be mad. I hit Call rather than texting again. “What did you do?” “Let’s start out with what I didn’t do.” “Okay…” “I didn’t give your number to that waiter.” “You already told me that.” “I know. But I could have, and I want to make sure you know I would never give out your phone number on purpose.” For Eve to sound worried about telling me something, I knew it wasn’t small. “What did you do?” “I accidentally put your phone number on Match.com.” “You WHAT?” “I didn’t mean to make it public. I thought it was private, but the setting was wrong. Green means go. Red means stop. Who the hell makes a website where the red button means yes?” “What are you talking about? I don’t even have a Match.com account.” “Umm…you do now.” My stomach sank. “Please tell me you didn’t.” “I didn’t.” She paused, and for a second I felt a little relief. Then she continued. “I didn’t…mean to.” “What did you do?” “I signed you up for a Match.com account last night when I got home. I set it all up, but didn’t intend for it to be public. At least not right away. I thought if I set it up and made it easy for you, you might be willing to give it a shot. I was going to talk to you about it at the barbeque.” “You intended for it to be private. Meaning it isn’t private?” “That’s not the worst part.” “What could be worse?” “Since I thought it was set to private. I set up the account with a joke status to show you.” Oh God. I ran to my laptop and flipped it open. “What does it say?” “Relax. It’s down now. I took it down within an hour. But not before it got a lot of attention. I realized what had happened when the email I set up to use with the account started pinging every two minutes.” “What did it say?” I screeched. “It said, Thirty-seven-year-old, divorced mother of one seeks casual f**k to get primed for dating again.” “Please tell me you’re joking!” “I wish I was.” A week later, my phone seemed to have calmed down. One night, sitting on the couch with a glass of wine, I even summoned the courage to look at the page Eve had set up for me. Something you’ve always wanted to do: Go to Italy. Favorite color: Hot pink. Not cotton candy or strawberry ice cream pink. Fuchsia. The bolder the better. I sipped my wine and smiled. That was totally something I would say. Eve had done a good job being me. Favorite quote: Una cena senza vino e come un giorno senza sole. My smile widened. She had actually spelled it right. A meal without wine is a day without sunshine. It was my father’s favorite quote. When he passed, I had two wooden signs custom made—one for my kitchen and one for my mother’s. Physical description: Five foot five, slim waist with curves north and south. Olive skin, long, dark, curly hair that I obsessively straighten, even though my curls kick ass, and blue eyes that are my only genetic gift from my mom. My best friend said to tell you, “You’ll look twice. I promise.” Age: Twenty-nine (plus eight, but who’s counting). Who I’m looking for: Mr. Right, of course. My ideal match is: Between the ages of twenty-eight and thirty-eight. Tall. Smart. Funny. Loves to travel. Can dance (because I can’t). Takes the scenic route when driving. Has a distinguished palate. Is not named Ryan. Has a fun nickname. (Nicknames of c*********s King go to the top of the pile.) She had posted a few pictures of me. Each one was captioned. The first was a shot of me in a bikini cannonballing off the diving board into Eve’s inground pool. My hair was flying in the air, knees tucked, and I held my nose. You couldn’t see my full face, but from the profile, you could tell I was smiling and laughing. The picture was funny. It wasn’t one I would have picked, but it had a lot of personality, and I liked it. Underneath it, she’d captioned: Not afraid to fly. The second picture was taken at Ryan’s high school graduation. I was wearing a black and white floral sundress with a halter top that made my boobs look bigger than they are. I had on a wide-brimmed, white sun hat. It had been windy that day, so I was holding the rim of the hat down, and it covered almost all of my face—except my lips. The only thing you could see was bright red lipstick on an ear-to-ear smile. The caption on that one read: This is me being a proud mom. The last shot was a picture of Eve and me in high school. It must have been taken in 9th or 10th grade, seeing as I wasn’t pregnant yet. We had our arms around each other and wore matching outfits. Underneath that one she had written: Same best friend for more than twenty years. After editing out some of the crazy Eve had imparted into my profile, I left it set to private. I walked to the fridge and poured myself a third glass of wine. As I shut the door, a magnet tumbled to the floor. The piece of paper it had been holding floated through the air and landed at my feet. I picked it up and read a little. Eve had made the list during one of our movie nights a few weeks ago. The title was written in bold strokes and underlined: Val’s My Turn List. The first few entries were in her handwriting. They started innocently enough… Become a teacher Visit Rome Plant a giant garden with only flowers Take dance lessons Go to prom Learn to surf Go to a music festival Leave my Christmas tree up until March Get a pug These were all things I’d wanted to do, but Ryan had been against—going back to school, traveling to Europe, planting a garden for no reason other than to smell flowers, getting a dog. We’d had a garden in our yard, but my ex-husband had filled it with vegetables. He’d thought planting flowers where no one could see them was a waste. And the tree—I loved having my Christmas tree up. There’s just something about coming down the stairs in the morning when it’s still dark, and the tree lighting up the living room. But Ryan hated decorations—he called them clutter and always insisted our tree come down on December 26th. If it were my choice, I’d keep it up year-round. I’d also wanted a dog, a pug, to be specific. But Ryan claimed they made him sneeze, even though we had plenty of friends with dogs, and he seemed fine at their houses. Over the years of my marriage, I’d let my wants take a backseat to everything else. And that had been the point of the list Eve had started for me—it was my choice now. My turn. While the first nine or so items on the list were harmless, things had become much more interesting as the evening went on—and we finished the second bottle of wine. Wear sexy lingerie under my clothes for no reason Date seven men in seven nights Have s*x in a public place where I might get caught One-night stand—no names exchanged Anal sex Threesome had been crossed out after Eve and I debated the merits for a while. I folded the piece of paper and tucked it into my purse. This was the last thing I wanted my son to find when he finally came home this summer. Taking my filled wine glass back to the couch with my laptop, I sat staring at the screen for a while. Match.com. I sipped and flipped through the photos Eve had posted. You really couldn’t see my face in any of them—no one would have to know if I just went online and checked things out. And I suppose if half of the things on my My Turn list were going to get done, I’d need to start with a date. I wasn’t sure if it was the reminder from the list of all the things I hadn’t done, or maybe the wine. Or maybe…just maybe, it was time. But I did something I never thought I would do…I hit public on my profile. Screw it. It’s my turn.