Keeping Up with the Icicles

Keeping Up with the Icicles By R.W. Clinger It happens again, just like every year. The holidays are here! And snow. And angels singing. And presents that cost too much money. And mistletoe. And homemade cookies and pies. And too much drinking. And traveling. And families like the Icicles, in this case. Let’s have you meet them: Jonah Icicle: his Cape Cod sits next to the History Center in downtown Pittsburgh. At thirty-eight he flies all over the country and creates slice-of-life articles for an e-magazine called American Lives. Lately, he’s been to a cactus farm in Las Vegas, a medical pot facility in Denver, and a coffee factory in Seattle. He’s afraid of heights but loves strawberry Pop-Tarts. He despises pickles but loves the color green. Lifetime movies are his favorite. And he gets anxiety over hand creams, gelled lubricants, and thick liquids of any kind. Sandy Keye: Jonah’s boyfriend of eighteen months is thirty-seven this year. Jesus, he is a beautiful man. Drop-dead stunning. Blond hair with a matching beard. Succulent blue eyes. A Pumps Gym body. Sexy is the understatement of the year. And the guy is about as sweet as pecan pie, or a hot toddy. He still lives in a townhouse on Cantell Road in Rossner Township, south of Pittsburgh. His job lets him travel to the coldest places on Earth as an environmental scientist. He works for RIES, which is Rowan Independent Environment Studies. Sandy knows all the s**t about melting ice caps, climate change, and the depletion of the ozone layer. Recently, around Thanksgiving, he’s been talking about moving into Jonah’s Cape Cod, but the details haven’t firmed up as of yet. It’s a recipe in the making, which may take until spring and through the summer months. Who knows? Pam Icicle: The eye-rolling matriarch of the Icicles. She’s short, spry, and wild. She’s vulgar, a hardcore Republican who loves Trump and his infamous Wall, and will say anything that’s on her mind, uncensored. The woman is bossy, prying, and she doesn’t have a sense of humor. Her daughter, Willa, considers her the anti-Christ, a succubus, and Kimmy Jung-un. Jonah calls her a femme fatale and Goneril from King Lear. She struggles with control issues. Control over Bill, her husband, control over Willa, her only daughter, and control over Jonah; the reason why he lives in Pittsburgh, two hours away, distanced from her evil doings. Bill Icicle: The quiet patriarch of his family. He’s like an abused cat, always hiding. Rarely does he come out to celebrate the holidays with his family. Bill likes his quiet and alone time. He despises the hustle and bustle of Christmas, and all the other holidays throughout the year. If it was up to him, he’d hide out in the bathroom, garage, the pantry, the tool shed, or a closet, and be alone, reading the newest James Patterson or Robert Riley thriller. Bottom line: Bill enjoys his space. So let’s leave him alone during this three-day visit. Shall we? Jake Icicle: He’s thirty-one and still lives in Pam and Bill’s basement. Although he’s a stud and looks like Luke Bryant, he’s a pothead loser without a job. Plus, he drinks too much. Jake has very little ambition in life. He’s a pet slug, or rock. But he’s Pam’s favorite child and can’t do any wrong. She protects him from everything. The prodigal son. The saint. The spoiled boy in a man’s body who needs to get a life and move out of his parent’s house, which will probably never happen. Special note here: Pam likes to keep tabs on Jake, under her control. Don’t come between her and her baby. If you do, she will make your life a living hell. Willa Icicle: She’s twenty-eight and married to Bobo for the last six years. She’s bright with a capital B. Everyone in the Icicle family is pretty sure that she’s married Bobo for his good looks and stud-like body. Also, she’s confessed to Jonah that Bobo is a monster in bed, porn-right and a god with an unstoppable libido. XXX material all the way. Down and dirty. Plus, Willa’s an animal lover. She’s caring, sweet, and all smiles, at least most of the time. Just don’t be surprised when you learn that she wears the pants in her marriage. You don’t push Willa around, or she’ll push back. Robert “Bobo” Bobowski: A model-beautiful house with no furniture. A gym teacher at Channing High School. A total i***t, but extremely beefy and extremely hot. He’s had three affairs on Willa, unintentionally, of course. Bobo’s bisexual. He’ll let you know this right off the bat when you meet him. Plus, he’ll find something attractive about you. Eyes. Nose. Chin. Shoulders. Chest. d**k. Bottom. Thighs. Anything. He’s not shy about telling people how good-looking they are. As for his affairs on Willa, Bobo suffers from a rare condition, hypersexuality. He has an increased libido. It’s related to his bipolar syndrome. Bobo can’t control his s****l urges, and d**k. Poor thing is always caught with his pants down, literally. Willa handles this well, though, understanding his brain and how it doesn’t function like a normal brain. She watches him closely, keeping her marriage intact, and keeping Bobo’s attention, preventing him from sleeping with every Jane, d**k, Harry, or football team, and whomever else. Hornfuzz Icicle: A horny mixed c**k-a-poo with a bad attitude. He passed away in August. Please bow your head and take a moment to reflect. Show some respect. The poor thing accidentally got out of the house, jumped the fence, and ran into Ross Street. Ninety-year-old Mrs. Humm from Cheshire Street ran over him with her blood-red Mercedes. She sent flowers, food, and a sympathy card. The Icicles refuse to talk about Hornfuzz, or to Mrs. Humm. Case closed. Moving on. These are the Icicles in a bitter nutshell. Swallow them if you dare. Run away from them for your sanity’s sake. But if you decide to stick around and spend Christmas with these loons, beware that you might enjoy yourself, fully.