Hold Onto Me

Two

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                                                        Copyright © 2021 Cassey9

Rain

Years on…

                                                                            *******

My hesitance gets the best of me and I pull Karey to an abrupt stop. Her gaze is penetrating causing the words get stuck in my throat. “What’s wrong?” she questions turning to fully face me. Everything! I want to yell. Everything was wrong. For a person about to lie about something as great as a marriage Karey was oddly composed.

“I’m nervous,” I mutter avoiding her eyes.

What we are about to do seems so simple however the closer we get to the group of women laughing and conversing my doubts multiply leaving me anxious and a little terrified. What if one of those ladies truly knew about the professor’s family? They could serve as a stumbling block to our whole charade, effectively calling out Karey and me on our lies.

I mean, it’s next to impossible for one of the people here to not know that Karey was married to Lawrence and not me. Their children attended the same school and parents practically knew about the other parents’ lives. Our ‘story’ could end up in sheer embarrassment. Something I wanted to avoid.  

“Me too,” the reply comes after a while and I feel the professor shifting closer. Her hand gently nudges my face up and I find the hazel eyes intently watching me. Karey’s eyes displaying the real emotion she fails to put into words. We were rocking in the same boat but I also discern the determination in her those beautiful orbs, she badly wanted to do this, “Honestly, I’ve never done anything like this before Rain. But I want to.”

I chuckle at her zeal nodding at her words, “Me too professor. I mean there is always a first time for everything,” I breathe out glancing around to see if we were attracting odd looks but come out empty, everybody was too engrossed in what they were doing.

The party’s in full swing and I instantly relax at the sight of Killan and Nillan running about with the other children. Their laughter of glee filling my mind with peace. I would do this for them and the professor. I already felt like a part of them so this was a great honor, “Okay professor…”

“Don’t call me that,” Karey whispers gazing around too, “Here and now. It’s just you and me. No titles or the labels. Only Karey and Rain about to have the time of their lives in a children’s party. Right”

Her hyped words get me pumped and I nod my head vigorously. There was no going back and I loved the feeling, “You are right…wait. Just one last time, I promise…do…do you really want this?” I ask delaying the inevitable.

“Yes,” Karey states defiantly, “I mean they already think we are married. And we do make a great team. Together.”

The compliment is followed by an endearingly smile and I instantly feel a weird fluster in my stomach. The feelings flooding my senses as her look stretches out, “Yeah…you are right. But, isn’t it wrong?”

“What exactly? Two women loving each other?”

“Um…no”

“Come on quit dilly dallying Rain. I got you. Us. We are a team. A good one at that,” she whispers using my words at me. There was no going back once we joined Mrs. Andrada's group of friends, “And stop being a worrying wart. You’ll sell us out before we even get the chance to start.”

I laugh at the phrase, it reminded me of my brother who always referred to me as great worrier, “I know,” I whisper back the words wholeheartedly. Karey chuckles and a surge of courage sweeps through me and I interlock our arms together drawing her closer, “Let’s go dazzle them with our perfectness.”

Karey laughs louder, the sound so melodious I’m lost to how beautiful she looks. Her face is so radiant the smile reaches her eyes making them practically sparkle. I stare at her in awe, this new untamed side of the professor taking me by surprise.

“You are really pretty,” I utter unfiltered. Karey’s chuckles seize and she looks at me confused.

“What?”

“Um…I… I mean you look very beautiful…um when you laugh,” I stutter but get intimidated by the strong gaze Karey awards me, “I mean you are always pretty everyday but…um but when you smile you just amplify it. Um…I’m sorry. Was that inappropriate?”

“No! For people married it’s acceptable. You are learning fast.”

“Oh…”

“And thank you. I haven’t heard that in a while,” Karey states seriously, “It’s surprising but also a good thing to hear Rain. Let’s go?”

The women cheer as Karey and I enter their circle and Mrs. Andrada is quick to shove two glasses of wine in Karey’s and I’s hands, “Guys, this is Karey and her wife…”

“Rain. Rain Stourton,” I introduce myself smiling at the other women.

“They have twins. Their sons are good friends with my daughter Rosie. That’s how we met. At their school,” the host introduces us.

I note the look of appraisals going all around and my reservations go down a notch. Pulling the glass back I decline the Mrs. Andrada’s wine offer, “None for me being the designated driver and all.”

“Aw…” the women coo making me blush even more.

“Just juice for me really. Thank you,” I reply politely to Mrs. Andrada.

“So responsible,” a comment sounds and they all break into laughter. Karey giggles reaching out to take my free hand.

“Since Rain is driving I can indulge you right?” Mrs. Andrada says taking Karey’s glass from her. She pours the drink bountifully before handing it back to Karey, “You are lucky you know that?”

“Mm hmm. I know,” Karey mutters looking at Rain, “Very lucky.”

“How long…how long have you two been together?” the questions comes from a brunette in a blue sundress. The lady standing next to her swings her arm around her waist affectionately pulling at her.

“Seven!” I practically yell the reply. Heads turn to me and I feel spotlighted, I note the surprise in Karey face but only mange a small smile for her. “We’ve been together for a total of seven years but we…we’ve been married for four. Um…I…I just get so excited saying the number seven. I can’t help my…myself. And there is more to come.”

“Cheers to that!” Mrs. Andrada states earning merriments from around us.

Karey’s breath hits the side of my face and I jump from her closeness, “Relax Rain…you are so jumpy,” she whispers the warmth of her words teasing my ear. All the while my hands feel clammy against hers and I wait for Karey to let go but that doesn’t happen. Talks go on around us and she continues to hold on all sweaty and wet.

Feeling self-conscious, I decide to take the initiative and start loosening my grip only to get pulled at firmer and Karey’s fingers intertwine with mine locking me in place, “I want to hold your hand,” she whispers still looking ahead. My gaze finds our hands and I can’t help my internally swoon at how amazing they looked linked.  

“Do you want me to let go?” the question comes and I nod fervently.

“No. Don’t let go,” I whisper the words that sound way desperate in my ears praying the professor doesn’t catch it. Mastering enough courage I look up to her. Karey smiles again and I feel my knees growing weak, “I…I’ve never felt happier than I am now.”

“I could say the same,” she states and a sudden kiss to my cheek follows. Karey stares into my eyes the excitement oozing from us quiet palpable, “You look beautiful too. My neighbor couldn’t stop eyeballing you really,” Karey murmurs stealing my breath away.

Even though all of this was supposed to be pretense I can’t help search from some truth in her actions. “Thank you Prof...Um…I mean wife,” I fumbles my face feeling hot and flushed. Karey smirks clearly enjoying how squeamish I was getting.

Like a furnace flaming within me my body starts burning up. All fiery for her. My color worsens with Karey’s unrelenting stare which makes it hard to formulate any notable compliments for the professor, “Please….stop,” I giggle burying my face on Karey’s shoulder.

The rest of the world seems to disappear and everything in me zeros in on the professor’s thrilling scent. With ideas of her own Karey raises my head gently with her finger, “Don’t hide that beautiful smile. I want to see it,” my heart skips a beat at the words and I can’t help but crave for them to be true. Karey’s totally engrossed in her role. Her soft fingers adorably grazing my face. The patterns it lays out so intricate I lean my face onto her fingers wanting more

“Honey, I’m home…” a throat clears behind us and we both turn to the presence of him.

                                                                        *******

The dream is so vivid and passionate I forcefully jerk up from the bed. The rushed movements causing a bout of dizziness to ram through my body with such great force I tip to the edge of the bed to avoid vomiting all over the beddings. Nothing comes, aside from short labored pants as I strain to get some much needed oxygen.

My heart pounds violently against my chest worsening the light-headedness sensation. Its drubbing too intense I fear that I may be falling into a panic attack mode or worse experiencing first stages of a heart attack.

Pushing back, I relax against the pillows awaiting for the worse to happen. A heart stoppage though grave somehow feels like a welcomed gift. My heart was past saving, broken, wrecked beyond repair. Not feeling but beating desperately against my chest. A daily reminder that I was alive but not truly living. Hadn’t been since the ill-fated hit and run incident four years ago. A day that turned my wonderful bliss of a life into a never-ending nightmare.

I rub my hand against my chest, the silk pajama top feeling velvety smooth on my skin. My attempts to quiet my thudding bearing little to no fruits. It would take time and lots of breathing exercises as the therapist had advised. So I wait in silence. Counting my breaths and soothing the spot above my heart.

The bed feels cold and somehow all my nights growing longer. I turn myself in the silky sheets and growl at my lack of proper sleep. Not that I wasn’t used to this part of my life. Rousing up from sleep at the wee hours of the night, tossing and turning had all become my constant companions. A full night sleep a luxury I couldn’t afford despite the great wealth in my name.

My mind goes back to the dream. Of all the celebrations I’d attended in my life Rosie’s birthday party topped them all. That day had been positively overwhelming. Being Karey’s wife had been an honor and a great one at that despite all of it being a big charade.

Every touch, every kiss and all her glimpses sent my entire being into a frenzy. A euphoria I never wanted to come down from. The pounding in my chest increases as I remembers the enamored looks Karey and I had gotten from the women in our company. Somehow they’d all believed our ‘marriage’ end.

But all that is a faraway dream. Something that had seized to exist in my life. Despite knowing this truth I couldn’t get my mind off her. It always strayed to her.  On the good days the memories to kept me sane. But on nights like this the dreams kept me wide awake. 

Who knew coming around from my comatose would be same as waking up in my own hell. Everything in my life had changed for the worst. William though ecstatic I was alive and recuperating was like a dragon breathing fire down my neck. Burning and ravaging everything that gave my life meaning.

Then, William had the power and the ball in his court. He was calling all the shots something he'd used effectively to his advantage. My hands were tied. I was powerless against his demands and from time to time my mind couldn’t help but wander to the dark side. Wishing I had died.

I used to have Karey, sons and a family. Something to look forward too. Now, I have nothing but nights full of torturous memories of what used be. Dreams of what could have been taunting me un-end. The days weren’t any better working with my brother to build Stourton Inc. into an international consultancy agency firm. There was no Karey. No Killan. No Nillan. Nothing but my mediocre life.

The pain returns, this turn in great abundance. I clutch my chest forcefully rubbing my hand over it with hopes for lessening the ache that never seemed to go away. Pain that had taken me captive for years increasing each passing day.

I would have fought for her. Fought for our family but I couldn’t help the situation. My promise to stay away had been for her own good. William had wanted to report Karey to the university’s board. Lodging formal complaint against Karey about on the basis of illicit misconduct with her student. Which would have ended in Karey losing her job. Her only source of livelihood. 

Finally, the pictures William had presented me were the final nail to the coffin. Months after the accident he’d somehow caught wind of my attempt to go in search of Karey. William had snapped and shown me pictures a private investigator had shot of Karey and Lawrence. Apparently agreed to work on salvaging their marriage. These news put me in my place and I grudgingly, heartbrokenly closed that chapter on my life.

My stare clears and the digital clock stares back at me. The neon color of the numbers revealing how late in the night it was and my lack of sleep. I turn on my back staring in the dark abyss of nothingness. My bedroom is pitch black the only sound being my steady breathing. I twist my neck to gaze at my clock and it reads 2:13 am. Only two minutes had passed yet it feels like a lifetime.

I sigh in desperation, sleep is the furthest thing on my mind and I feel distraught. I’d only managed to sleep four hours into the night. An improvement from the previous nights.

Pulling up from the bed I flip on the bedside lamp and spot the remedy to all my troubles. A yellow bottle sits on the nightstand illuminated by the soft glow emanating from the lamp. Clarissa had recommended them to me. Prescribed sleeping drugs that would definitely knock me out till the crack of dawn.

I extend my hand to grab the pill bottle but hesitate midway. Taking one feels appealing but I don’t want to be a slave to the pill. If I started then I’d somehow get hooked to taking them every night. I needed to find my sleep even if it meant it be inhabited by her face, laughter and touch.  My love that would never be.