Risk It All

Crossing his legs as he sits on the floor and in front of a small study table, Ian patiently waits for Bill, who was busy setting up the camera on top of the study table. The camera was connected to the laptop next to it. Silently, he stared at Bill, placing the camera lens on a perfect angle. He never took his sight out of Bill. He found the view very satisfying in his eyes. It was like he is already content with his life with Bill right now. Just by simply watching the guy, his day is already complete. He may not be able to say these things to Bill, but it doesn’t matter to him anyway. Living under the same roof and sharing the same condominium unit is more than enough for him to ask. He’s satisfied with how they treat each other without crossing boundaries that might ruin everything that they built together since they were kids --- the bond that was formed between them for a long time. “There. We’re all set,” Bill announced. Excitement could be heard in his voice. Ian was drowned in the smile slowly creeping to form on Bill’s lips as the guy turned to him. He could not explain why and how a simple smile from his best friend made his day even brighter. It’s as if there’s something he can’t name surrounding Bill’s mere presence. Everything he could see was Bill surrounded with brilliant light that pulled his attention more to him, forgetting and leaving everything else behind. He even failed to move an inch of his body. That’s how powerful Bill could be to him, although the guy was doing nothing. “Hey, Earth to Ian. Bill to Ian,” chuckling, Bill pulled Ian from his deep thoughts. He also gently tapped Ian by the shoulder. Then, he slightly shook Ian’s shoulder in hopes of waking him up from his daydream. Blinking for a couple of times, Ian got back to his senses. He looked away upon realizing that he had been staring for a long time at Bill, and now, the guy he was intently watching was only an inch or two away from him with a wide smile and is laughing softly. One wrong move, and their noses and lips will crush against one another. He tried to act, covering everything that needed to be covered as if he hadn't done anything shameful, convincing himself that Bill didn't notice the way he looked at him. Or Bill did, but he was also acting, wasn't he? “What are we going to film now? I can’t remember that we have a content to film today,” Ian quickly said, still not looking back at Bill. He’s afraid that Bill might see how ashamed he was. And for sure, his face is already filled with red. He could feel that his cheeks were getting hot as every second would pass, and the realization hit him of what he just did. Yet, he was glad that he did not stumble his words and stutter. He felt Bill’s presence beside him. The guy sat next to him. “Just an update about us, I guess,” still laughing lightly, Bill replied. By the sound of his voice, he also is not sure of what they will film. Bill shook his shoulders and leaned against Ian’s right arm, slightly putting his weight on Ian. “Maybe, just a day in a life with my boyfriend, the most important and special person in my life,” he mumbled, suggesting, but his voice sounded like he’s singing a song exclusively for Ian. And after a while, he reached for the laptop to start a live stream for their fans, who were waiting for an update about them, especially now that they have not uploaded a new video for almost two weeks. It will surely gain so much feedback and response from their fans, adding to the fact that this live stream is unannounced. Their fans will be delighted to see them after almost two weeks. Although Ian knew Bill was only doing it for their followers and fans, he still felt like that the substance of Bill’s words were natural, which stiffened him and made him blush, including his ears. His ears turned red. Well, he wished he was Bill's boyfriend for real, outside from the online bubble they created together. The heat filling his face and the tingling sensation running through his nerves complimented the beautiful sunny day. A perfect day for them to update their fans, especially that their long weekend just started. But, the blush soon faded out as facts hit him that this was all to pretend in front of the camera that they both agreed on one boring night of their lives. Until now, he could not believe he quickly agreed with Bill’s silly idea, which ended with the situation they are in now. Bill and I in a relationship will never happen in real life. It will only remain as a fan service. No more, no less. We have been friends since childhood. And I know he is straight. In fact, he currently has a girlfriend. His third girlfriend for this month, to be exact. Ian reminded himself. He thought he better keep his feelings for his best friend. It won’t matter anyway if he tells him. Nothing will change, or their long-time friendship will be ended for life if he confesses his feelings for Bill. It is way better for him to stop it before he hurts himself. Well, as if he wasn't hurting himself already by the time he agreed with Bill on this silly idea of them making video blogs, showing the online world that they genuinely love each other. There’s no one he could blame for putting himself trapped in this situation. No one but himself. He never thought that he would fall for Bill, his partner in crime since then. The interactions between them seemed so real for him once they’re in front of the camera. Bill never disappoints to make him feel special and precious like he is loved by him more than someone could imagine how strong love could be. They really look like they are madly, deeply, and indeed in love with each other inside their online bubble. Ian jerked all of a sudden when Bill gave him a tight hug. Bill’s arms snaked and made its way around his body from behind. He turned his head to his back. There, Bill was chuckling because of the reaction painted on his face. He was surprised by Bill’s sudden actions, especially that Bill’s lips made a light brush against his lips. He momentarily lost his words, speechless for a couple of seconds. “What are you thinking, my baby Ian? Are you thinking of me?” Bill hushed. He leaned his head forward. This time, Bill stole a kiss on Ian’s lips. It lasted for almost half a minute before resting his chin on Ian’s left shoulder. The kiss was cut only because of the continuous and non-stop live chats from the live stream that kept making popping-out sounds. The sound woke Ian back to his senses. “What are you doing?” Ian whispered, which Bill quickly replied in a very low voice that only the two of them could hear. “We are already, Ian. Just go with it,” with his face shoved against Ian’s neck, Bill replied in an airy voice. His breath kissed Ian’s bare skin, making Ian’s body hair on his neck stand, alerting his nerves. Ian remained quiet for a second, internalizing what is currently happening, leaving Bill to do all the talking for a minute or two, entertaining their followers. “I’m sorry, guys. I think my baby Ian is still not ready and still in his sleeping mode at the moment. Anyway, it is all my fault after all. I woke him up early in the morning. I forgot that it’s Saturday today, and he usually gets out of bed almost lunchtime during weekends,” Bill apologized on behalf of Ian. Yet the chuckles in his voice were still there. He was just trying his best not to crack. It even sounded like he did something naughty last night with Ian, who earned their live stream a lot of wow and surprised reactions and comments. True to Bill’s words, Ian’s messy hair and sleepy eyes were only a few of the things that could be seen from the live stream, proving that Ian was still in his sleepy state. It was only nine in the morning. And just like what Bill had reasoned out, it is not new to him to wake up almost lunchtime during weekends. Yet, Ian did his best to wake himself up. It took him a few more minutes before he got on track, coping up with Bill, talking to their live online fans. Ian placed his hands on top of Bill’s that was resting on his stomach. He acted well, like they are a perfect couple for their fans. He laid his back on Bill’s chest as they positioned themselves. Bill was spooning Ian with his body, hugging Ian from behind. A romantic and sweet aura radiates from them. They were just there making lovely gestures and answering some of the questions being asked to them, simply updating and satisfying the needs of their fans until they both decided to cut off the live stream already. Thus, Ian feels he is so safe and secured while making himself comfortable in Bill’s grasp. “That’s all for now, guys. My baby Ian really needs to have more sleep.” Bill grinned mischievously. “You know…” he paused for a moment. “We had a long night last night since it’s Friday night.” He then wiggled his eyebrows, intentionally giving the watchers a different meaning to his words. With eyes growing wide upon hearing Bill, Ian did not hesitate to slap Bill by the arm as if he was sending him a warning to stop from talking. After slapping, Ian also gave Bill a pinch on the side of his right shoulder, making Bill wince in pain. Ian faced the camera like he was making an eye-to-eye connection with their viewers. “Don’t listen to him, guys. And please, don’t think about anything. Bill was just playing with you with his playful self. He always plays with his words, as if they have another meaning. Nothing happened last night. We were both burnt out from work. There’s no way we….” Ian couldn’t find the right words to say, explaining it is not what they were thinking. He, himself, was shy to voice out the s word even though it was confirmed that nothing happened. “There’s no way we can do that thing,” he whispered, sounding almost inaudible, gasping. How could that thing even happen between them in the first place if they really are not together? Ian is not that kind of person, adding to the fact that Bill is not into doing that thing with the same gender. Although he knew Bill is experienced about it knowing that he got a number of girlfriends within a month, he just knew that Bill would never do it with another guy nor with him. He never heard about his best friend going out with a man or a guy or a boy. Lifting and tilting his head, Ian darted his eyes at Bill, throwing sharp gazes at him. Yet, Bill was unbothered with his deadly stare. And Bill burst into laughter, making Ian frown in confusion. “What are you talking about, my baby? Stop assuming things unless otherwise stated. What I am trying to say to our fans is that we had a very tiresome week, and Friday night was the only time we had a long time sleeping next to each other because we did not have overtime work. We had a longer time to sleep in each others’ arms.” Bill raised both of his hands as if he surrendered. But he never forgot to show his infamous playful grin whenever he teases Ian while the camera is still rolling. Ian abruptly pinched a part of Bill’s arm again while the guy continued laughing as if there’s no tomorrow. Bill got him big time. He was convinced Bill was referring to that s word activity to the point where he had to tell white lies just to deny it. Later on, as Bill’s laughter subsided, Ian’s hands were caught by Bill, stopping him from pinching him more. Then, Bill hugged him tightly once again, squeezing him like a soft pillow. “Okay. I’m sorry. I was just kidding with them, my baby.” Bill pouted his lips and made his face cute as Ian suspiciously squinted his eyes. Ian huffed before taking a deep breath. “Fine. Just clear that thing.” He sighed. “You were saying it out loud on a live online stream. Have some shame in your body. Either we did it or not, you should not publicize it. It is a private activity for couples,” with a hint of irritation, Ian mumbled. “Okay. Okay. This will not happen again. I promise,” Bill softly said. He tightened his arms around Ian, letting Ian feel that he really is sorry about what he did. He showered Ian with soft and tender kisses from his neck up to his cheek. It sent shivers down to Ian’s spine. Facing the camera, Bill was holding the emerging smile from the corner of his lips. “Ahhh,” he started. “Guys, I mean nothing about what I said a while ago. My words meant nothing as I was saying it.” He chuckled. “Don’t think of anything dirty and naughty about it. We just had a deep and sound sleep the whole night. Anyway, I think we will end this live here. As I said a while ago, my baby Ian still needs more sleep. So, we will give him that. See you! ‘Till next time, guys.” Bill waved his left hand. Ian also did the same, giving the viewers a small smile without showing his white set of teeth, but he made sure to show his dimples. After they bid their goodbyes, Ian moved closer to the laptop near the camera. He hovered the cursor over the stop icon. He pressed it, and the live stream stopped right after, leaving a black screen on the video player. Having a sigh, Ian felt Bill move away from his back. What was he expecting? That Bill would stay hugging him like a koala that doesn’t want to let go of the tree branch he has a grip on? The show is done. And Bill being a lovey-dovey and caring boyfriend, stopped at the same time when the video stopped. The once sweet Bill just a minute ago suddenly changed in an instant. Bill went back to his usual casual self and treated him as his best friend. Bill still gave him a quick hug, but it felt different compared to the hug the guy gave to him in front of their fans. “Ahh, Ian, I will go out in a few and have a lunch date with Mitzie. Do you have something you want me to buy when I come back?” Bill asked as he walked toward his room. He stopped when he was at the door of his room. He turned his head back to Ian. He waited for Ian’s reply. Ian shook his head, declining the offer. “Nuh. No need. I’ll also go out after lunch. Just enjoy your date…” he responded, like Bill having a date with another girl did not hurt him. So the third girl of the month is Mitzie. . . Ian sighed by the thought lingering in his mind. He just knew the girl’s name just now. If Bill did not mention her name, he might not know her name, just like the other girls Bill dated before Mitzie. “Okay. Then, don’t forget to lock the unit when you leave, okay? You always forget to lock our unit if you’re the last one leaving,” chuckling, Bill jokingly reminded him. Bill reached the doorknob, gripping it while twisting as he opened the door of his room. “Yeah. Sure. I won’t forget that this time.” Ian smiled reassuringly. Yet, a feeling of emptiness was slowly crawling inside him, leaving him no choice but to take deep sighs. He watched Bill enter his room. The sound of the door closing came into his ears as he sighed heavily once more. Another alone weekend for me to survive. I guess I just need to get used to it. Everything changed already when they started living in one condominium unit. Well, nothing really changed on Bill’s side. It was all Ian. He was the one who changed a lot. For an unknown reason, he secretly sees Bill as more than just a friend. He knew for himself that he has this thing with guys like him since then that he kept to himself. He did not tell anyone about it, even his friends, especially Xavier and Neil, who both fell in love with guys too. Yet, he was planning to open up his sexuality with his friends sooner or later once his other half is already beside him. He just never imagined that he would fall in love with his best friend, real hard. And it was his fault for letting himself fall for his straight best friend. Ian quickly turned his head in the direction of Bill’s room when he heard the door creaking open. Bill came out looking so handsome in his plain navy blue polo shirt partnered with leg-hugging black pants. Bill seemed surprised to see him still sitting in the same spot. Later on, Bill smiled as he recovered. “I’ll get going, Ian.” Ian remained quiet as he followed Bill, marching to the main door, with his eyes. If Bill is a celebrity, Ian was already star-struck. Bill strikes him differently. “Don’t forget to lock the door when you leave,” Bill reminded again before he left, followed by the sound of a closing door. Subconsciously, Ian’s right hand climbed onto his chest. He gripped his shirt, holding himself from uttering some loving words as Bill completely left the unit.