Shattered Glass

Chapter 2

Chapter 2Hidden in the Garden of Ego

Planted beneath the vines

Are all the deepest darkest secrets

That prey upon the mind

You stroll the garden pathways

Basking in the sun, but

Underneath the rocks they lie

To taunt you, each and every one

—Milo Stamis, “Secrets,” Words Without Music

* * * *

Sam and Milo left the garage and walked down the block to see Lily. Milo, no stranger to Liam’s home, ate supper with them twice a week over the past six years, babysat Liam when necessary, and sometimes just shared a cup of coffee with Lily when it looked like she needed the company.

He’d noticed that in the last few months she’d been steadily losing weight and rarely went out. She always spoke at the Earth Day celebrations and hadn’t this year. Nowadays, although Lily just turned thirty-six, she looked and moved like a sixty-year-old. Milo had tried to screw up the courage to ask her about her health, but put it off because he feared the answer.

Lily answered the door, wearing a ratty robe. Her eyes looked puffy and her forehead lined with pain. Her skin drew tight over her bones. A rash covered her legs, neck, hands, and arms.

“Uh, Mrs. O’Shea,” Sam began.

“Sam, Milo, I’m glad to see you boys. Come, sit down, let me pour you some fresh lemonade, then we’ll talk. Come on into the kitchen. It is brutal out there.” They followed her to the kitchen. “Did Liam send you to see me, Milo?” Lily asked.

“No, I came down because I have something important to discuss. Liam hasn’t said a word about you. Why do you ask?”

“Because I think he knows. I can see it in his eyes, just as I did in yours when I opened the door,” Lily answered in a quiet, calm voice.

“He must be trying to macho up, because he hasn’t said a word to any of us. You look like s**t, Lily. What’s wrong with you, and can I help?”

“I knew I could count on you, Milo. If you hadn’t shown up today, I planned on calling you later on this week. I’ve got colon cancer. There is no cure,” Lily said in a flat voice.

“How long do you have?”

Sam choked on his lemonade. “You shouldn’t ask such personal questions,” he hissed as he put down his glass.

“Sam, honey, it is obvious you don’t know me as well as Milo does. I never beat around the bush. I don’t lie, and I don’t encourage lying, although I understand the need at times.” Lily gave Milo a long arched look. “But it more often hurts than helps.”

“Eh, sorry,” Sam mumbled.

“That’s my friend, Milo, straight to the heart of the thing.” Lily gave him a wan smile. “I was in remission when we moved here six years ago. It has returned with a vengeance. I found out just after Frank died. This type of cancer is very aggressive. I’m taking experimental drugs. I don’t know how long I’ll have.”

“What about Liam?” Milo asked in a panic.

“You turn eighteen today, don’t you, Milo?” Lily asked.

“You know that,” Milo replied, confused.

“And you, Sam. How old are you?”

“I turned nineteen this past March, Mrs. O’Shea.”

“I have a huge favor to ask you. I need you to keep an eye on Liam if I pass on too early. I’ve already made arrangements with my lawyer to have him declared an emancipated youth when I go. Even so, it won’t fly without my naming a nominal guardian. I want it to be you, Milo.”

She turned to Sam. “With your help. I’m not always this bad. The side effects of the meds come and go. However, right now, the medication just manages to hold the thing at bay. It’s not getting better. I’m afraid he’ll need someone soon.”

“Of course I’ll do it.” Milo grimaced. “But I hope I won’t need to. You know I love him like a brother. I won’t let anything happen to him.”

“I have all the legal papers drawn up. I just waited for the right time to ask your permission.” Lily sighed. “Despite what you think, I know asking this of you is an awfully big burden for you to carry. I would ask someone else, but there is no one else. Both Frank and I have no siblings. There may be some distant cousins, but I’ve never met them.”

Milo turned the conversation back to the topic at hand—Liam. “We’ll take care of him. Never doubt we will,” he said.

“I have codified what I want in my will,” Lily continued. “Now, seeing I have your agreement, Milo, and yours, Sam, for which I am grateful, I’ll have my will signed and witnessed at my attorney’s office.

“As far as money, I know it doesn’t look like it, but Frank left us rather well off. I’ve never needed much in the way of glitz, and I raised Liam to be frugal. I believe Mother Earth needs us to consume less and conserve more. I have about seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars in his trust account.”

“Jesus, you know I don’t care about money. Sam and I would take care of Liam no matter what it cost without a cent from you.” Milo fell silent for several moments. “Lily, there is something else. You just blew my mind with this, but Liam is expecting us to come back with an answer. It may not be the appropriate time to ask. How much does he know?”

“He knows about the disease and is intelligent enough to look it up and find the prognosis. He doesn’t know about the guardianship.”

“Well,” Sam nervously played with his glass, “what we came over to ask you may make it a bit easier for him to accept. We came to ask your permission to include Liam in the band. He’s young, but he has unbelievable musical talent, and—”

Lily interrupted. “I wondered how long it would take you to figure it out. I’ve been encouraging him to tell you since you started practicing in the garage. You know how shy Liam is. He told me he didn’t want to be a bother to you and your friends. He was content that you let him listen to you practice.”

Sam rolled his eyes and turned to Milo. “I can’t believe we wasted so much time on Mike and the others, when Liam sat right there. Why didn’t he tell us?”

“Ah,” Lily said. “My son needs to learn when it’s appropriate to blow his horn, so to speak. Seriously, Liam has a pretty severe case of hero worship for you Milo. He didn’t want to do anything that might cause you to be angry or to push him away.”

“We are serious about the music business,” Sam said. “We might wind up living on beans and bread. Are you sure this would be best for Liam? I want the best for him and this may not be it.”

Lily nodded at both boys. “It’s good to know you care so much, Sam. I’m glad Liam has a close friend with his feet on the ground. I’m afraid Milo and Liam will always be dreamers.” Lily chuckled. “You once said you were going to study law. What kind?”

“I plan to specialize in the entertainment field, both as a lawyer and as a manager for my clients. I want to represent Shattered Glass and other bands like it, eventually, so the first shyster who comes their way with big promises doesn’t rip them off. I’ve read that a lot of real talent quit the industry because of being tied so tight by a bad contract, they never made a dime. I’m not going to let it happen to these guys. I am an adequate drummer, but I’ll be one hell of a lawyer.”

Milo clapped. Sam bowed.

“A brilliant opening argument,” Milo said. “Consider the case closed and conceded. We’ll find another drummer when the time comes, if that’s how you feel.”

“If you boys are careful,” Lily said, “the money will last long enough to get the right kind of attention. If you are wise with it, Shattered Glass will not ever be tempted to sign up with a shark because you need the cash.”

“But that is Liam’s money, Mrs. O’Shea, not ours,” Sam protested.

“As long as Liam is in the band, I would rather the money be used so you don’t get taken by a greedy manager or talent representative.”

“If that’s what you want, Lily.” Milo eyed Sam to shut up.

“Then it’s settled. Milo, Liam loves you. Be there when he needs you, please.” Lily turned to Sam. “You take care of the other three, including Rick. He comes to see me sometimes, you know. Your brother is lost and feels he has nothing but the band. He needs both attention and respect.” Sam rolled his eyes. “I’m serious, Sam. If Rick doesn’t feel included, the band will regret it and Milo and my son will pay for it.”

Lily grimaced as she stood. “I hate to break up this party, but I’m not feeling well at the moment. You tell Liam I said he could join the band. Whatever else you tell him is up to you boys.”

Sam and Milo said their goodbyes and headed for the door.

On the way back to Sam’s, Milo remarked, “Well, we got her permission for Liam to sing. I’ll take care of him. I have since he was six.”

* * * *

The band rehearsed together every day that week for their debut. Sometime during the Thursday rehearsal, Milo decided the band needed costumes. Lily felt better, so the band met at Liam’s house.

“You know, Milo,” Lily remarked, “Liam looks pretty mature, and despite the fact he’s only twelve, he’s already a freshman in high school. You don’t have to worry about sneaking him in the back door.”

“I know that, but it’s the band’s image I’m worried about. I make him look too old, it could gross people out. Too young, and the other half barfs.”

Liam had enough of listening to them. “You know, you two are talking about me and I’m sitting right here. Maybe I have something to say about what I’d like to wear.”

“Okay, half-pint,” Sam said. “What do you think?”

“Milo all in white with me completely in black. Milo’s first idea, the Devil’s Imp, is the most compelling. It allows me to be a kid, but because I’m an imp of the devil I get to be adult-like at the same time. Sam and Rick wear black jeans and white T-shirts with the band’s name. All it costs us are the T-shirts.”

“Which I will gladly pay for,” Lily interrupted.

“Milo, can I bring the sax on Saturday?” Liam asked.

“Will you stop with the sax already?” Sam said. “We don’t have arrangements for the sax. If you play the sax, who plays the keyboard?”

“Milo can play—”

“Enough,” said Milo. “No sax this time.”

Liam shot Sam a dirty look, but sat down at Milo’s request. He loved looking at Milo, golden hair paired with green eyes and a rich tan. Every night as he lay in bed, he fantasized about Milo returning his less than brotherly feelings. Someday, Liam was determined he would. He loved Milo Stamis and would have no other, ever. As soon as he laid eyes on Milo, even at six years old, he knew he’d love him forever.

Milo punched him in the arm. “Stop daydreaming, Liam. We have work to do. We have to go to the mall and pick out the shirts and the logos. You can come with me. Sam and Rick have to go home for supper. We’ll catch a burger at Mickey D’s.”

Someday he’ll see me as more than a little brother, Liam thought. This I swear.

* * * *

Milo and Liam saw a really neat logo at the mall, a heart fronting a guitar with a shard of glass piercing the core. Both boys agreed that it fit. They ordered a dozen white shirts and four black shirts for Liam. As they sat in McDonald’s, they discussed the look of the band.

“I don’t like glitter or grunge,” Liam said as he chewed on a French fry. “Both of those looks are already associated with mega bands. I don’t think we should typecast ourselves so quickly.”

“Your point?” asked Milo as he grabbed one of Liam’s fries.

“Told you; you should have ordered the extra-large. Now you’re stealing from a growing boy.”

“You won’t eat them all. You never do.”

“My stomach is finicky. Whenever I get upset, I barf.” Liam shrugged.

“TMI, buddy. Too much information.” Milo reached for another fry.

“So when are we going to start doing our own stuff? You and I work pretty well together. I’ll do the music, you write the words.”

“Let’s get our first gig over with, eh? Then we can see what develops. After all, we could fall on our ass.”

“Or not,” said Liam as he punched Milo’s arm. “I think I know what I’m going to do to go with the costume.”

“Okay, so spill.” Milo grabbed the last fry.

“My hair is as black as the T-shirts. I’ll leave it loose instead of tying it in the leather lace. Let’s go to the shoe store. I want a pair of knee-high boots.”

“You don’t get those at the shoe store. They’re really expensive, and you have to get them at an equestrian shop.”

“So? I’ll have Mom take me tomorrow.” Liam got up, ready to go.

Milo took his arm and pulled him back down on the chair. “Liam, we have to talk about Lily. There is no right time to say this, so now is as good a time as any.”

“I know what you’re going to say. I’m dealing. I’m taking each day as it comes, just like she’s doing.”

“Do you know about the arrangements she’s made for you?” Milo asked.

“I haven’t asked her. I don’t want to remind her or upset her.”

“Liam.” Milo grabbed the younger boy’s hand from across the table. “She left you to me. Well, actually to Sam and me. Is that okay with you, buddy? There’s still time to change things.”

“You’ve been my best friend since I turned six. If I can’t be with Mama, then there’s no one else I’d rather be with than you…eh, and the guys,” Liam said.

“If you need to talk, half-pint, one of us is always around.”

“I know. Thanks. Now what do you think of a little bit of white face powder and some black eyeliner? Maybe you could take me for the boots?”

* * * *

The next evening, Milo felt nervous as he drove his father’s car to pick up Liam. He brought his regular date, Debbie Nelson. She didn’t complain when he told her he’d arranged to pick up Liam. Deb was a good girl with no interest in s*x before marriage, and Milo knew he should break it off with her soon, before things got too complicated and she got hurt.

They rang the doorbell. Lily, being Lily, invited them for a glass of lemonade before they left. As they sat drinking from Lily’s best crystal, Liam bounded down the stairs, his long legs encased in tight black jeans. His leather riding boots reached up to the knee, and he wore the band T-shirt.

“You look good, Liam.” Debbie laughed. “Instead of that tee, you guys should have those medieval shirts with the laces. That would be freaking awesome.”

Lily smiled. “You should take the young lady’s advice, Milo. She looks beautiful tonight and has a unique sense of style.”

“Next time, Mom, okay?” Liam chipped in.

“Okay.”

Liam kissed Lily goodbye and bounded out the door. Milo shouted after him, “Back seat, half-pint. I’ve got a date.”

“You won’t be able to call him that too much longer,” Debbie said. “He’s going to have every girl in school chasing him next year. Your little Liam will be a total hunk.”

I’m afraid so, and I’m even more afraid to notice, Milo thought.

* * * *

That night, Liam seduced Milo with his music. They went into the gig as mentor and student, with Liam as a kid brother who needed constant protection. They came out as equals. Milo and Liam dropped Debbie home and went to Sam’s garage to celebrate. Sam brought in a six-pack of his father’s Bud for him and Milo, and Coke for Liam and Rick.

Rick greeted them with exuberance. “We knocked it out of the park tonight. Damn it, we left the stage to a standing ovation.”

“Debbie told me some girls actually cried when we played ‘Lover’s Suite’,” Milo added.

“They asked for your phone number, Liam,” Sam said.

“I hope you didn’t give it to them. Mom needs to rest, not spend all day answering the phone.”

While the others still congratulated themselves, Milo sat down to think. It felt like Liam’s music would swallow him whole and bury his own paltry talent. He needed to find his feet. He felt overwhelmed, but by more than the music.

He became aware of the other boys’ eyes boring into his back. He sensed rather than heard the footsteps behind him.

Sam put his arm on Milo’s shoulder. “Let’s take a walk.”

They stepped out the side door to the garage and Sam asked, “Are you all right with this?”

“I don’t know. I’m struggling. Since Liam joined the band, my feelings for the kid have changed. I’m spending more and more time with him. I’m afraid of the depth of my feelings.”

“You gotta rein it in. He’s twelve, not eighteen. If the wind is going to blow that way, it will still be blowing when he’s old enough.”

“But what do I do until then?”

“You bury it. Just like you bury the fact that you’re gay. You keep it inside you until the time is right. Meanwhile, you let the kid be a kid. Besides, you should be out and proud when you make a move on him. You don’t want him to be a closet head case, do you?”

“Like me, you mean?”

“Yeah, Milo, like you. It’s not healthy for you, and it certainly won’t be healthy for him. You hide your true nature from everyone but Rick and me. It’s that inherent macho bullshit from your dad. I believe it is going to cost you some day. Something really dear.”

Sam sipped his beer. “While we’re discussing the future, I want to tell you that I decided to go to Monmouth University. They have a good pre-law program, and it’s just a few miles down the road. That way, I’ll be close enough in case you and the kid need me.”

“But the band is going to really take off. Couldn’t you see that tonight?”

“Hold on,” Sam protested. “I’ve said it before, and I’ll keep repeating this until you actually listen. I am committed to the band this summer and through the next four years. I’ve got a free ride at Monmouth for undergraduate work. I’ll be around to play gigs and practice. After that, man, you need to find another drummer. I’m going to law school. But I’ll always be close enough to get here on short notice if Liam needs me. I’ll always be with the band, but not as the drummer. I’m going to manage you guys and make sure you avoid the sharks in the water, but four years from now, you will need another guy on the skins.”

“If that’s what you really want. Four years is a long time. By that time, we could be a mega hit and you may change your mind.”

“You are not listening. We could have a number one hit album, but I’m still going to law school. It’s who I am.”

“You have to do what you want to do with your life, Sam. It won’t be easy to replace you, but we will get along,” Milo replied.

Sam gave Milo a hug. “Let’s join the party before Ricky gets Liam into the beer.”

* * * *

October1995

For four years the band played the shore clubs. It was at the Stone Pony in Asbury Park where they were finally discovered in September of 1994.

In July of 1995, Sam negotiated a great deal for them. Milo turned twenty-two, Sam, twenty-three, and Rick, twenty. Lily signed for sixteen-year-old Liam, who graduated from high school that June. They’d just finished a tour opening for a band the guys privately thought would be a one-hit wonder. They rented a rehearsal studio in Red Bank, and for the first time had professional facilities to help work their magic.

“Hey, man,” Rick shouted, running in the door and waving a copy of Billboard. “‘Lover’s Suite’ is number four with a bullet!”

“Let me see that.” Milo grabbed the paper. “Only last week we hit the chart at number fifty-seven.” Milo c****d an eyebrow at Sam. “Still going to law school?”

Milo heard Sam sigh. This argument got old fast.

“Yep,” Sam replied. He attempted to change the subject. “Milo, where’s Liam? We scheduled rehearsal for ten A.M. I thought he got a ride with you?”

“I thought he called you guys. He didn’t call me. I don’t know where he is. It’s not like him to be late.”

“He has a cell phone. Why don’t you call him?” Rick suggested.

Milo dialed the number. No answer. Fifteen minutes later, the phone rang.

Milo picked it up. “Liam? Where are you?” The others watched as his expression changed and tears ran down his cheeks. He kept his voice calm—barely. When he hung up, he explained, “He sounds hysterical. He found Lily and she wasn’t breathing. They’re on their way to Bayshore Community Hospital. I’ve got to go.”

“We’ll all go,” Sam replied. “You’re in no shape to drive.”

They arrived just in time to say goodbye. Gentle, caring Lily died, and Liam became Milo’s responsibility.