Convenience Nights: A Collection of Short Stories - Sample

Phonetastic

I 'woke up' (ya know 'cos I'm a Vampire and don't sleep) at dusk. A bloody hell, ok the truth… I went and opened the shop after spending all day staring at the fresh concrete patch in the basement where I had entombed Courtney and Kenniths' corpses. Saying I 'woke' made me sound too human. Although missing Kennith was a little too human as well…

Tonight I needed to do something about that bare ass basement. I would have done it sooner but I'd had to wait for the concrete to dry. I clicked on the switch for the neon open sign that Kennith and I had picked out together, unbolted the door, grabbed the crushed letters that were being chewed by the mailbox and sat at the cash register ready for any customers.

Amongst the letters there was a directory, a thick book with wafer thin pages full of ads for local businesses and trades people. Exactly what I needed! I would wait out the sun in a dank hole no more!!

I'd had places before but recently I'd been a bit down on my luck so it was nice. Decking out the basement would be perfect for me and Kennith would always be there to keep me company.

Finding exactly what I was looking for I moved the book closer to the phone. As I did I knocked the rest of the letters off of the counter. One with red lettering across the front caught my eye. Oh dear Kennith. Tut tut! An overdue bill? Not like him at all.

Putting my dreams on hold I opened the the offending letter. Phone bill. A big one, with FOUR pages promising outgoing calls - a chunk of them were put of state too! The phone rarely range and I could only recall a handful of occasions Kennith or I had dialed out. Picking up the receiver with gusto I vowed the customer service agent at this telecommunications company would rue the day they were born.

After punching in the number I listened to the phone ring and ring and ring and… you guessed it ring some more.

"Hello…" Finally!!

"Hi, ye, I'm…" I started before the ultra polite b***h cut me off.

"...we cannot take your call right now, please call back during office hours, Monday - Friday 9 to 5pm and we will be happy to help. Your custom means a lot to us. Have a 'phonetastic' day, goodbye." The pre recorded message finished and the line went dead.

Did…? Did she just say 'phonetastic'?? I clicked radial just to be sure.

Blinking in disbelief as the disconnect tone wailed. She can't have, no way. I dialed again but not with the radial button - this time I typed the number in just to be sure.

So long story short I was dialing for about the ninth time when a customer came to the counter, big burly chap. Beard for days, leather jacket, tattoos everywhere. Anyway doesn't matter. I hand this Hells Angel's wannabe the phone.

"Dude! Listen to this, just listen." I tell his confused face as I start ringing him up.

"Man, they're closed. Call back tomorrow." He tells me handing back the phone.

"Didn't you hear it?" I insisted.

"Yeh, they are c-l-osed." He slaps a $20 on the desk.

"You didn't hear what she said?" I was reaching for the $20 when this blond bombshell comes teetering over on Barbie pink stilettos. Two ginormas breasts, soft flesh rolling like a gentle ocean, barely contained in her skin tight, and yes you guessed it, Barbie pink dress. I couldn't see the ass from where I sat but I was betting the curve of her butt cheeks were visable. The front, however, that I could see.

I swear when she breathed I could see her kitty.

"This too hunny bear," she popped a Musketeer on the counter. "What did she say?" The bottle blonde with bright pink lipstick asked. Seeing an opportunity I took it!

"Here!" I handed her the phone that was already redialing. 'Hunny bear' grumbled about how they didn't have time for this crap while Miss Excitable giggled and jiggled on the spot.

Packing their little assortment of snacks into a paper bag while Giggles held the phone to her ear I couldn't help but have some seriously inappropriate thoughts about this Barbie doll and her 3 Musketeers bar. It was a bad choice of candy bar but what interested me more was could she deep throat the bar…

"Oh, oh no they're close, oh, oh wait, wait! As if!!!" She tittered, boobs wiggling.

"I KNOW! Right?" I took the receiver back and put it on the cradle. If she ate the candy bar whole would I be able to see it? Her waist was so small and stomach so flat. My mind was straying, wandering to thoughts about what other things one might be able to see despite them being inside her… if you catch my drift.

"Have a phonetastic day!" She laughed as her man scooped the change off the counter.

They left. Just as I thought you could get a good peak at the bottom of her ass cheeks. Hum, I'd have to find me a piece of something later but for now, I was a man on a mission!

I flipped the sign to 'back in 5', locked the door and popped to the hardware store next door.

"Hey, Chuck! Any chance you could lend me an extension cord and an extra long telephone cable?" I asked the weathered old man hanging shovels.

"You're, um, you're the new kid next door ain't cha?" Chuck waved a shovel. "I don't know you! What makes you think I'm just gonna give ya'll stuff? Ya'll just trying to rob me!" He waved the shovel harder.

"Chuck, you met me the other week, Kennith brought me round. I just want to borrow some cables for a couple of days." I told the old man.

"Don't choo Chuck me! It's Mr Johnson to you!" He finally put down the spade and ambled towards the back of the store.

"Mr Johnson, would you please allow me, your neighbour, to temporarily borrow an electrical extension cord and a telephone wire?" I asked in my own ultra polite voice.

"I'm old! Not deaf! Where did ya'll think I was going?" He grumbled. "Young people, so impatient. We can't all be running around partying." I tried not to laugh.

Mr Johnson, as he suddenly insisted he was to be called, fished under his counter for a moment before producing an extension cord.

"Telephone wires are out the back. No shenanigans!!" He said sternly. "I'll be right back."

"Thank you Mr Johnson, 'preciate it." I said picking up the two wires when he returned.

"Ya'll be sure to return those! I'll be watching you!" Chuck called out as I left his store.

I was itching all night to call the phone company. Just before dawn I locked up the shop and then moved the phone so it would be at the top of the basement stairs. Luckily there was just enough length.

From dawn until 8.59 flew by. I sat at the top of the basement stairs in the windowless stock room waiting for the moment I could call but that last bloody minute dragging by.

You would have thought I would be bored - nope, no sir, not me today. Today the mundane had me riled up. The phone company was going to be ripped a new one!

And…. 9am, go, go, go!

"Good Morning, you're through to Suzie at A.T how can I help?" Suzie picked up on the first ring and was awfully chipper.

"Good Morning to you too Suzie. I'm hoping you can help me with disputing some charges on my account, I think there has been some sort of mix up." I told the lovely Suzie.

"Ok, can you give me the account number? Suzie asked. Easy, I read it out off of the letter. "And are you the account holder?"

"Yes." This was going well, Kennith made it out like bills and accounts were difficult.

"Great! Can I take your name please?" Suize asked sweetly. So I gave my name.

"Oh I'm sorry! That doesn't match the account. Give me the account number again and I'll double check I have the right file. So I gave her the account number.

"Right, well the account number matches what you gave me before, can you give me the address?" Suzie asked, all professional. So I gave her the address.

"The adress is correct…" Suize said. I looked at the letter, it had Kennith's name on it.

"Oh I know what's happened. The store has recently changed hands, I'm the new owner and the account has been changed over to me." Phew.

"Oh no, that's not possible sir." Suize said matter of factly.

"It is!" I said, a little frustrated. "Kennith sorted it all out, just over 2 weeks ago."

"No sir, as I said that isn't possible." Suzie had a bit of a tone.

"But he gave me the account." I said confused.

"It doesn't work like that."

"Well how does it work?" I was getting a little riled up now.

"The account would have had to be closed and a new one opened. Do you have your new account number?" Suzie said, I felt like she wanted to express her self with a long drawn out 'duuurrr'.

"No, I haven't had anything through yet."

"When you do give us a call back and we can discuss your account." It sounded like Suzie was trying to end the call.

"But what about this bill?" I asked hurriedly.

"You can settle the account if you would like."

"I would like to but…" Suzie cut me off.

"That's great! Let me just take your bank details." She said with a voice that sounded like she was grinning ear to ear.

"But I want to dispute the charges first." I finished.

"I already told you, sir, I can't do that. You are not the account holder." There was definitely a tone now.

"Let me get this straight… I can pay the final bill but I can't dispute the charges?" I said slowly.

"That's right sir."

"But that doesn't make sense!" I said loudly, pinching the bridge of my nose in exasperation.

Suzie started crying.

"Suzie… what's going on? Why are you crying?" What the hell? Is this normal? What did I do?

"Yy-ou ssshouted at me…" She sobbed.

I hadn't? Had I?

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to shout." Hells bells this was a nightmare.

"Aand now," She sniffled. "My manager is going to be mad at me because you won't settle the account."

"I will settle the account, but I want to dispute some charges."

"Sir! I already told you I can't discuss details with you - you're not the account holder." She cried out as if mortally wounded.

"But…"

"I'm going to lose my job because of you!!" Her teary voice came down the line sobbing again.

"Ok! Ok, I'll pay the bill." I said, trying to get the crying to stop. "Jeeze!"

So Suize punches in all my bank details and then says, in the brightest, cheeriest voice, "Thank you very much sir! Your receipt will come in the post. B-byyee and have a phonetastic day!"

And so I paid the extortionate bill and forgot all about it until -

One month later…

The post was here, all crushed up in the mail box as usual, and amongst the leaflets and catalogues and other junk was an envelope that looked familiar. I opened it and sure enough it was the phone bill but in my name this time.

There were now even more pages of charges!! Only a handful of the outbound calls were mine. There were even some reverse charge in bound calls! I was the only one using the phone and I had not made these calls!

Once again I flipped my back in 5 sign, borrowed the cables off a very annoyed Mr Johnson and waited until morning to call. My basement hadn't been kitted out yet, everything was on order and the workmen had been booked in so hopefully this would be the last time I would have to borrow cables off of my grumpy neighbour, soon I would have a phone in the basement.

"Good Morning, you're through to Suzie at A.T how can I help?" Suzie picked up on the first ring and was, once again, awfully chipper. Did no one else work there? Was it just Suzie?!

"Good Morning to you too Suzie, there are some charges on my account that I would like to talk to you about." I told her.

We went through the account and the name and the address- which were all correct.

"So Mr Peirce, which charges do you want to dispute?" I smiled, 'Mr Peirce'. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

"It would be easier to say which ones I don't want to dispute." I told her.

"That's not how it works Mr Peirce." Suzie said with a huff. Ooo this woman! So I did it the way Suzie wanted.

"Right Mr Peirce, I have made a note of all those. Is there anyone else that has access to your telephone?" Humm, she sounded a little snooty.

"Nope, just me here, so I don't understand where they have come from." I told Suzie.

"Are you sure you haven't just forgotten making them?" What the heck Suzie? Forgotten? Over 100 calls… no way.

"Err, no Suzie, I haven't forgotten."

"And you're sure you are the only one with access to the telephone?" Suzie said, sounding stern.

"Yes." I answered confidently.

"Right, I see Mr Peirce. I'm afraid there is nothing more I can do at this time. Would you like to pay your bill?" Suzie said rather dismissively.

"Sorry, what? What do you mean nothing you can do? I didn't make these calls."

"But Mr Peirce, you just told me that you are the only one there and no one else has access to your telephone, so unless you have ghosts in residence…" Ooo there was that tone!! If only Vampire powers worked down the phone line; I'd hypnotise the smarmy witch to slam her hand in a door or only drink decaf for the rest of her miserable days!

"What if I don't pay." I said in defiance of her general 'Suzieness'.

"Well, sir, we would have to send the bailiffs and black list you." She said rather smug.

"Black list?" What was that?

"Well, sir…" Suzie sneered down the phone, "not only would we not open an account for you again, no other companies in the area will either."

"Right, well…" Suzie had me there, total nightmare trying to run the store without a phone. "I suppose I better pay then."

All day I paced the empty basement. Fuming. I was absolutely fuming!! Outwitted by telephone bill! Me, ugh! Inconceivable. I paced and then paced a bit more.

Finally, eureka!! No one had access to my telephone but… maybe someone was using my line. The moment the sun dipped below the horizon I was going to be out of here. Whoever was stealing my phone line was in big trouble.

Eventually the day disappeared and dusk came. I zipped up the stairs, into the stock room and out of the back fire exit.

Didn't take me long to find the extra wire coming off of MY connection box. It led next door…

No, not to grumpy Mr Johnson's hardware store, the other side.

I hissed my annoyance.

Then hissed again when I realised the fire door had shut behind me. I looked left and right. No one was around. Perfect. I jumped up onto the roof and then after checking the coast was clear I hopped down in front of my store.

Deediis Hair Salon.

That was what was next door. A gaudy pink sign with two lipsticks for 'i's and no apostrophe.

Time for action.

Putting my shoulders back and setting my eyes to a hard glare I shoved open the door. The bell dinged, announcing my entrance. There were no customers in the store and the girl at the counter didn't look up.

She didn't look up when I stood at the front desk.

"Don't do men here." So much was wrong with that statement. From the way she smacked her lips speaking and chewing gum at the same time to the way she thumbed through the magazine on the desk to that atrocious sentence.

"That's alright, I'm not here to get 'done'." I said with as much patience as I could muster.

"Then what ya'll here for." She finally looked up at me, thick false lashes clinging to her eyelid like a bunch of dead spiders and eyebrows arching as she took my handsomeness in. Like all Vampires I was God adjacent in the looks department and a miracle worker in the sack - if I so chose. One session with me and, not to brag (well maybe a bit), s*x with anyone else was going to fall short.

"Is the owner in?" I asked with a polite smile.

"Yeh, why?" She asked in what I was betting was her 'sexy voice'. No thank you...firstly those eyelashes and second the ugly, noisy gum chewing.

"I own the Convenience next door, wanted to talk to the owner about something." I said trying not to think about all the possibilities where I didn't have to look at her face - if you know what I mean.

"You must be Keith then." She told me brightly.

"Nope." She blew a little gum bubble, her face a picture of complete confusion.

"But the sign says Keiths?" I imagined she said it without the apostrophe, just like the sign on this shop front. "Was Keith the guy before?"

"No, could I just speak to the owner please."

"Ok, sure, DEEDII!! If your not Keith and the other guy wasn't Keith, why is it called Keiths?." Her interest in me was flattering but unwanted.

"Just thought it was funny I guess." I shrugged. "Is Deedii coming?"

"DEEDII!!! MAN HERE TO SEE YOU." She turned back to me after screaming her little lungs out. "What's your name then?"

"Vlad."

"That's Russian innit?"

"Slavic." I corrected. "Look I just want to speak to Deedii." Disappointment dimmed her eyes.

"DEEDII!!!!!!"

"WHAT? I'M ON THE PHONE!!!" The voice belonging to the elusive Deedii screamed. The phone on the desk in front of me wasn't showing as engaged so she must be on my phone. She's on MY PHONE. Right, that's it! I've had enough!

"What's your name sweetheart?" I turned up the charm.

"Kayleigh." She twisted a strand of hair and smacked her lipstick infused lips.

"Kayleigh, look into my eyes…" yeah baby time for some Vampire hypnosis, "you will sit here and enjoy your magazine, I will go out the back and speak to Deedii. Everything is ok, there is nothing to worry about. You can go back to what you would normally be doing when I leave." Not the most imaginative use of hypnosis but ah well, got the job done.

Following the continuous chatter from out the back I found Deedii. She was on the phone gassing away. I coughed politely to get her attention.

"You can't be back here!! Get." She screeched, shooing me with her jewellery encrusted hand. "Out I said, I'll call the police!!" She threatened.

With one powerful stride I was upon her, a predator in the enactment of its base desire. It took no effort at all to reach out and bounce her head off the cheap chipboard desk.

"Oof." The sound came out with the impact. I snatched the phone from where it was still clutched in her fake nail clad hand.

Joyfully I raised the receiver before smashing it down onto her head. Over and over I raised it slamming against her skull. Blood, flesh and pieces of plastic flew about the room. Deedii flailed and screamed, unable to escape my onslaught as I mercilessly beat her, the cable whipping against the table. Snarling I brought the receiver down for a final killing blow and as it connected with her bloody skull no, no, that's not how it went! Come on, I'm trying here. You know all that turning a new leaf and so on.

So let's do a little rewind.

Ahem… a rewrite as it were.

Following the continuous chatter from out the back I found Deedii. She was on the phone gassing away. I coughed politely to get her attention.

"You can't be back here!! Get." She screeched, shooing me with her jewellery encrusted hand. "Out I said, I'll call the police!!" She threatened.

"Deedii, look into my eyes." I smiled down on her makeup coated face. "Is that telephone connected to a line you pay for?"

"No…" She said her expression glazed. That admission was all I needed.

"Deedii," I stared harder into her eyes, pushing my will on her, "you will never steal anything again."

"I will never steal anything again." She repeated woodenly. Perfect. I reached over and carefully took the phone out of her hand. Then I unplugged it. With one hand I gripped the junction box on the wall. One solid tug had the whole wire sliding out of the wall.

"Well Deedii, this is what I came for." I patted the balled up wire. "You have a phonetastic night now." I smiled as she sat there open mouthed. On my way out I waved at Kayleigh.

Well, I suppose that's one way to meet the neighbours.