Cooking is Murder

Chapter One “Cooking school?” asked Miles. He appeared to be trying very hard to think before he spoke. “No, no, Miles. Not just cooking school. This is more of a class for experts to become even better and to learn new techniques. More of a grad school for cooks, in a way,” said Myrtle. Her white hair stood on end like Einstein’s, which seemed to emphasize her enthusiasm. Miles’s face held a very cautious expression. He pushed his rimless glasses up his nose. “This class was something that you signed up for all by yourself?” “Well, certainly. Don’t you understand how classes work? It’s not as if I received a letter in the mail telling me that I’d been signed up for the course without my knowledge. It’s not jury duty.” “Red didn’t have anything to do with this, then?” asked Miles. “Not a bit. You know that I automatically try to get out of everything that Red signs me up for because he seems adept at digging up busywork for me. This is something to do for fun. Elaine mentioned it to me. It was to be one of her many hobbies, but she had a conflict for this one. She’ll be in the car driving Jack to preschool when it starts. But I thought that you might want to do the class with me. It would be more fun with a friend there and you like to cook.” Miles knitted his brows. “I wouldn’t say I liked to cook as a hobby, though. I wouldn’t have said that you liked to cook as a hobby.” “That’s one of the best things about retirement, Miles. We get to develop our skills. Who knows? I could be the next celebrity cook. For heaven’s sake. Have you got indigestion or something today? You’ve had the oddest expressions cross your face in the last five minutes. I’ve got Pepto-Bismol if you need it.” He shook his head. “Where did you say this class was?” “I didn’t. It’s at the community college.” “Which is not exactly within walking distance,” noted Miles. “I now see behind your flattering desire to have me enroll in the class with you. I have wheels.” “Whatever. I think you’ll enjoy it. Pure and simple. The instructor is Louvenia Defore.” Miles said, “I think I know who she is, but I didn’t realize she was a master chef.” “I don’t recall saying that the class was taught by a master chef. This is Bradley, North Carolina, not Atlanta, Georgia. The class will be taught by a frequent blue-ribbon winner at the county fair.” “Got it,” said Miles a bit wearily. He paused. “What day is it taught? I might be busy that day. Or have a conflict.” His voice indicated hope that some sort of obstacle might happily appear. “It’s all the days. It’s a two-week, everyday class. That way we build up our expertise quickly. And I know you’re not busy because you were just commenting yesterday that you had such a quiet stretch coming up,” said Myrtle, beginning to get cross. There was a resounding explosion in Myrtle’s yard, followed by yelling. Myrtle sat impassive in her armchair, hands folded neatly in her lap, as if nothing out of the unusual had happened at all. “Should we check on Dusty?” asked Miles, glancing toward Myrtle’s front window. “I’m assuming that it was Dusty’s yard equipment making that noise. Did something blow up?” Myrtle sighed. “No need. It’s just that ancient lawnmower of his. My very generous son offered to help get him a new one but Dusty seems to enjoy the drama every week provided by the backfiring mower.” “That was nice of Red,” said Miles. “It was more that Red didn’t want to have to take over the general maintenance of my lawn. He seems to think that being police chief in Bradley takes up too much of his time. Red always said that he didn’t want to pay for parts for Dusty’s mower, but then the mower got worse and worse. As the mower got worse, it got nosier. It used to be a much quieter mower than the modern mowers, but with Dusty ‘repairing’ it, the noises it was making were so loud it was waking my grandson up from naps.” Myrtle rolled her eyes. “Although Red should be able to mow my grass every now and then. It’s not as if he’s even doing anything most of the time. So! Back to the class. As an extra added inducement, I’ve decided that we’ll reward ourselves by showing off our cooking skills at a dinner party. A soirée.” She peered more closely at Miles. “You’ve got the oddest expression on your face. Are you sure you’re feeling well? Anyway, I think it will be a lot of fun.” Miles said weakly, “Won’t it all be rather expensive? And I thought soirées involved music and dancing.” “Our soirée will be music-free. And I’m going to save some money by serving coffee instead of a bunch of wine. That way we can all talk about the wonderful food and the myriad of tastes we’ll provide. And—pooh. You’ve got plenty of money. You’re practically rolling in it.” “I assure you that there is no rolling going on,” said Miles primly. “And at our age, perhaps it would be wise to save up for rainy days. Considering our fixed incomes and all.” “You’re rolling in it compared to me. A retired accountant versus a retired teacher? Please.” “Retired engineer,” said Miles stiffly. “Anyway, the point is that I promise the class isn’t expensive and we’ll pick foods for our dinner party that won’t be expensive, either. And there’s no point saving up for a rainy day. There’s been no rain here for quite some time. We’re in a drought, remember?” asked Myrtle. “That wasn’t exactly what I meant.” “Of course it wasn’t, Miles. But I’m getting impatient. Come on ... it’ll be fun.” He appeared to be thinking things through for a few minutes. He pushed his glasses up his nose and slowly said, “You know, cooking school isn’t a bad idea. Not at all. After all, there’s definitely room for improvement. But I want nothing to do with the dinner party or whatever it is. I’m only saying yes to the class.” Myrtle nodded, smiling now that she seemed to be getting her way, at least in terms of the cooking class. “Fine, fine. If you don’t want to be a partner in an historic dinner party, that’s up to you. But the class will be fun. And we’ll know everyone in there.” Miles raised his eyebrows. “Will we? How do you know?” “Because we know everyone in town,” said Myrtle with a small shrug. “Easy. That’s one of the benefits of living in a place like Bradley.” Miles looked as though he wasn’t completely convinced this was an actual benefit of his town. The door flew open, smacking the wall behind it, and Dusty, looking more disheveled than usual in fraying, grass-stained khakis and a torn undershirt, stomped in. His thin, gray hair was pasted to his high forehead with sweat, dirt, and oil. “Blasted lawnmower,” he muttered, heading for Myrtle’s kitchen. He nodded in greeting to Miles, who lifted a hand to wave at him. “Halt!” roared Myrtle, standing up from the sofa imperiously. “Dusty, you’re tracking in half of the Great Outdoors into my house.” “Puddin’ll take care of it,” grumbled Dusty, looking toward the kitchen with the fixation of a pointing hound dog. “Puddin? Cleaning? You know it’s impossible to get your wife over here to clean. Even if I manage to wrangle her in the house, she only wants to watch soap operas and pillage my fridge. What exactly is it that you need and I’ll get it for you?” “Glass of water,” said Dusty, glowering at Myrtle. “Or somethin’ stronger, if you’ve got it.” “I’ll just ignore that last bit since you’ll be driving your equally-decrepit truck out of here after mowing my lawn. My son is the police chief, after all. I need to make sure that law and order is maintained—at the very least in my own living room,” said Myrtle, walking over to the kitchen. Dusty’s expression grew wily at the mention of Red. “Your Red done told me he’d git me a new mower.” He perched on the arm of Myrtle’s sofa. “Which you’ve always refused. It’s like the care and feeding of that dilapidated lawnmower is your horrid little hobby or something.” Myrtle handed him the water and waved him off the sofa arm. “Dusty, you’re just too ... dusty ... to sit on my upholstery right now. How about the stool?” Dusty loped over to a stool in the corner, leaving a trail of debris in his wake like a comet. “I’m done finished with that thing now. Reckon he’ll still gimme another mower?” “You don’t mean to tell me that it’s finally kicked the bucket? In the middle of mowing my yard?” Myrtle’s face was horrified. “It’s kaput,” said Dusty succinctly, taking a gulp from the glass. “But it weren’t in the middle of mowing.” “Oh, good,” said Myrtle, sinking down in relief. “It were at the beginning,” said Dusty. Myrtle stood back up and walked over to the window. The tall grass was indeed still there. Even more terrible, Dusty had apparently been able to mow Myrtle’s ghastly neighbor’s lawn before coming to Myrtle’s house. Erma’s yard, despite being covered with crabgrass and chickweed and other scourges, looked better than hers now. That was patently intolerable. “I’ll call Red now,” said Myrtle hurriedly. “I can’t have this nonsense when I’m hosting a dinner party here.” Miles gave Dusty a glum look as Myrtle strode to the kitchen for her cell phone. Dusty asked in a low voice, “Who’s cookin’ the food? Not her, right?” Miles said, “I strongly suspect it will be Myrtle, yes. I’m going to try to distance myself from the actual food as much as possible.” Dusty grunted. “Good luck. Hard to do, if yer a guest.” He stared at a brightly-colored object near Myrtle’s desk. “Whut is that?” Miles glanced over and very quickly glanced away again. “Don’t remind me of that. It’s something Red’s wife made. Elaine has these hobbies. They never go well” Dusty stared at it in fascination. “Looks like somethin’ to chase evil spirits away.” “It’s a gnome,” said Myrtle sharply as she walked back into the room. “Don’t look like yer other yard gnomes,” said Dusty. “Whut happened to it?” “Elaine happened to it. She’s been dragging Red and Jack around to flea markets and garage sales and finding things that need to be refurbished or restored. Then she does ... that ... to them. Paints them and whatnot,” said Myrtle. Myrtle and Dusty stared at the gnome while Miles averted his eyes. It was very brightly colored and seemed to have an evil, leering expression on its face. Its hands were held out in front of it as if it were begging. “It’s hideous,” said Miles. “I’m fairly certain that it wasn’t even attractive in its original condition,” said Myrtle, tilting her head to study the gnome. “I’m not sure that it was even a gnome. It looks more like a troll to me.” “Do you even care what it looks like?” asked Miles. “After all, the whole point in dragging your collection of yard gnomes out in the yard is to get Red’s goat after he’s made you mad about something. Having that ghastly thing out in your yard should certainly qualify as something to make him mad.” Myrtle said, “I couldn’t even bear to subject my other gnomes to this one’s presence. And now the problem is that Pasha loves sitting on it so much. I’ve got to figure out what to do with it.” Pasha was the feral black cat who’d befriended Myrtle. Red gave a brief knock and walked in. He was wearing his police uniform and his red hair looked a bit more streaked with gray than usual. He nodded a greeting to Miles before saying to Myrtle and Dusty, “Now Mama was a little confusing on the phone. Something about a dinner party and a problem? I can just imagine the problems that could escalate with my mother and a dinner party.” Miles gave a hiccupping laugh that was halfway between a giggle and a cough. “So I can only imagine,” continued Red, “that the call had something to do with the fact that the yard is only half-mowed and that dinosaur of a mower is sitting in the middle of the jungle.” “It done broke,” said Dusty. “Can’t do no more mowin’.” “All right. I promised you a mower and I’ll get you a mower,” said Red. “But I can’t do it right this second. I’ve got to go see Mr. Terry and it can’t wait.” “What on earth is wrong with Mr. Terry that could possibly constitute more of an emergency than the fact my yard is a complete eyesore?” demanded Myrtle. “He’s trapped in his house by a feral pig,” said Red. “That pig is totally obsessed with him. This whole past week it’s been circling his house off and on, snorting and baring his teeth. Mr. Terry needs to go to the grocery store and thinks the pig is going to attack him as soon as he leaves the house.” “Sounds likely,” said Miles thoughtfully. “Those feral pigs can be vicious.” “I’ll be trapping and relocating it. Then I’ll maybe have some time to research mowers and see what’s in my price range. I’m not made of money, unfortunately,” Red said to Dusty. Dusty nodded, a skeptical look on his face. Compared to Dusty, Red was decidedly made of money. Myrtle pursed her lips unhappily. “Don’t we have animal control for animals that need to be controlled?” “Mr. Simmons is taken by a fever,” said Red. “And I don’t especially want to be exposed to it or pass it along to everybody else.” Myrtle sighed. She certainly didn’t want little Jack, her grandson, to catch a fever. But she hoped that Red could find her a mower by the end of the day. Red was heading back out the front door but paused and turned around. “And I’m very interested in hearing more about this dinner party, Mama.” “You’ll hear all about it, I’m sure. I might even expand my cooking. Greener Pastures is always looking for entertainment, you know. I could do a cooking demonstration there,” said Myrtle. Red said quickly, “That will violate Health Department regulations.” “You’re making that up,” said Myrtle, eyes narrowed. Miles tried to change the subject. “Greener Pastures did have wonderful food.” Red said, “That’s what I’m saying. I keep trying to convince Mama of all the great reasons she should be a resident there.” Myrtle said sharply to Miles, “I well remember your love of their food. If you think it’s so great, you should move in there yourself.” Miles shook his head. “After a bit more digging, I discovered it wasn’t a good fit for me.” “Too many flirtatious widows?” asked Myrtle. Miles gave her a cold look. “The library there didn’t have any books for me. It was all Jennifer’s Promise and that sort of thing. It was like they didn’t accommodate their male clientele at all.” Myrtle said, “That’s because they pass away so quickly. Men don’t live as long as women, you know. Why make the investment?” Red said quickly, “Okay, on that note I’ll take my leave.” “I’ll tell you more about the dinner party soon. And you’ll be invited of course,” said Myrtle grandly. Red and Miles shared an inexplicable look before Red quickly left. Myrtle hadn’t given Miles much time to think about the class. The registration deadline was the following day and the class started directly after that. Miles was rather grim while driving to the community college. “It’s very strange going to school again. I have the horrible feeling that I’m going to spend tonight besieged by nightmares about forgetting my high school locker combination.” “At least you had lockers,” said Myrtle with a sniff. “That must have been some fancy high school. This is a college though, so there shouldn’t be any memory jogging jolts.” The community college was an older one with ivy crawling up many well-worn brick buildings beside several brand-new looking ones. There were quite a few students there and the parking lot was full enough for Miles to have to make more than one pass through it. “It must appear as if you and I have taken an exceedingly long time to get a diploma,” murmured Miles as they walked among a throng of twenty year olds. “Don’t be silly! We’re role models. We’re demonstrating that education is lifelong. Think of it, Miles. When we leave this school, we’ll have mastered a few dazzling cooking techniques.” Miles said carefully, “You’re very optimistic about our results. Just remember that you and I don’t do a lot of sophisticated cooking. Maybe we’ll end up being hopeless as students.” “Speak for yourself,” said Myrtle, raising her eyebrows. “I’m approaching this experience with an open mind. Now where’s the Harris Building? That’s where we’re supposed to be going.” She stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, craning her neck to look around as she leaned on her cane. A young woman, weighed down with what looked like an impossibly heavy backpack, stopped beside them. “You’re looking for the Harris Building, ma’am? It’s right back there. You passed it, actually. It’s near where you parked.” Myrtle beamed at her. “Thank you, sweetie.” As the young woman walked away and Myrtle and Miles turned around, Myrtle said, “What a nice girl. That was kind of her to help a stranger.” “We probably remind her of her great-grandparents,” said Miles glumly. “We really stand out. We’re not wearing backpacks. That’s the thing, apparently—backpacks. And headphones. We have neither. Nor tattoos or piercings. Those are popular items, too.” Myrtle chose to ignore him. “Oh, there’s the Harris Building. And ....” Her voice trailed off and she came to a complete stop when she spotted the gaunt figure standing on the sidewalk ahead of them.