The Chosen Luna

1- Barely Surviving

SASHA

I make my way through the front door of the pack house, hoping to not be seen. The laughter and cheerful tones coming from the family room are in opposition to my current mood. I walk through the foyer and past the family room doorway without giving it a side glance, and go into the kitchen where a few pups are huddled together looking at something on their laptop. They are consumed in what they are watching so I’m barely noticed as I grab a water bottle and a small bag of chips before making my way downstairs.

Tonight is pup night at the pack house so this place is going to be filled with giggles and high pitched screams. It’s early in the day so, aside from the school pups upstairs, everyone else is either at work or otherwise out getting an early start on the weekend. Because of this, I will be able to take a long uninterrupted shower before turning in for the night. That is what my life has come to. Instead of going out and living it up until the sun rises, I look forward to a shower and bed. Most of my friends are already mated with the majority having pups to look after. I love being in their company, but there’s only so many birthing stories I can take before I feel like my head is going to explode

Walking into my room, I put my water bottle and chips on my desk and start taking off my clothes. Since I have Delta blood, I don’t have to worry about having a roommate like the Omegas who live down here with me. Having my own space was definitely a perk of moving out of my uncle's house. I love the man, but sometimes he can be a bit much.

My room is a comfortable size. I have a queen size bed that sits between a side table and a tall, modern cylinder lamp; and still have space for a desk and my favorite papasan chair that sits in the corner. My decor is simple with light colored wood on both my bed and desk, white sheets, and a few multi colored throw pillows to give it a pop of color. The small window that sits above my bed lets enough light in to keep the room from feeling like a cellar, and in a pinch can double as a means to escape.

Once I finish taking off my clothes from the day and throwing them in the hamper in my closet, I put on my robe and grab everything I need to take in the bathroom with me. The bathroom is a shared space for all of us who live down here. On busy days it can be chaotic to get ready, but when it’s empty like today, it’s a dream. Dark gray tiles run along the floor and go halfway up the walls before they are interrupted by white painted walls. Five sinks are lined in the middle of the room in front of a divider wall that splits the shower stalls on the other side from the five toilet stalls that are against the same wall as the door.

I hang my towel on the hook on the inside of the shower stall, and let the water run to warm up. This is my favorite stall, it’s directly in the middle and slightly bigger than the others. I swear that the water stays hot for longer in this one, but no one believes me. Once I get in the shower, I let the water cascade from the top of my head for a while. My hair is cut super short in a Caesar fade. The top, just long enough to show off the curls of my 3C hair. The warm water is a retreat for my somber mood. I just wish it could wash away the helplessness I feel inside.

An hour goes by until I finally find the now cold water unbearable. I wash quickly and get out, drying myself off before wrapping in my towel and lotioning up my body. I decide to keep it simple and not to bother with my full routine since the plan is to grab something to eat before hiding out in my room for the rest of the night.

I make it back to my room and nearly drop everything I’m carrying when I open the door to see my cousin, India, sitting on my bed. India is three years under me, and the closest thing I have to a sister. She is a bit more of a free spirit than I am. Always changing up her shoulder length type four hair that is currently styled in box braids draping down to the middle of her back. She has always been a skinny little brown babe, but thankfully, she filled out some after she had her son Devon.

“What are you doing here?” I ask her as I close the door and walk over to my closet.

“I wanted to check on you. I heard you came home early.”

“Who told you that?” I give her a skeptical look over my shoulder with my question.

“Nelson saw you walk in.” She says slightly apologetic.

“Of course he did.” I sigh out with an eye roll as I go back to putting my things away.

“You didn’t think we were sneaking onto pack grounds, did you?” My wolf, Lola asks in my head.

“No, but I also didn’t want to send everyone on high alert.”

“Well, that is sort of Nelson’s job.” Lola says with a shrug.

Nelson is India’s mate who works patrol for the pack. His original pack is about thirty miles away, but he moved here after the two confirmed their mate bond. They ran into each other, literally, on a ski vacation a few years back. My Uncle Darren, Aunt Franny, India and myself had gone on our yearly trip further up in the mountains. Living in Colorado, it was a given that we would go at least once a year.

India had just finished a lesson with one of the ski instructors. He was an instructor for beginners, which she was not. India was so set on getting to know him better, she sacrificed an hour of a good ski day to hear him tell her how to do things she learned when she was ten. Her patience was rewarded when the lesson ended with his tongue down her throat. Probably wasn’t the best idea to be making out in the middle of the slopes. Nelson came through on a snowboard and ran right into India, knocking them both to the ground. Her nose broke on the impact, making the instructor freak out when he saw the blood drip to the snow. He ran over and cupped India’s face in his hands while basically straddling her. Nelson stood over the both of them struggling not to growl too loud, having caught on to her scent. India was shocked when her eyes met Nelson’s. She pushed the instructor away quickly and jumped into her new mate’s arms. The rest is the common order of events. Nelson moved here since India was already a head teacher at our pack’s preschool, and last year they had their first pup. That’s right, my little cousin has her life more together than I do.

“How are things?” She asks, watching as I grab some pajamas out of my drawer and put them on.

“I’m good,” I shrug in reply.

“Sasha, you don’t have to lie to me,” She only calls me Sasha when she is being serious. Usually it’s Shay. I don’t say anything and finish getting dressed in lounge pants and a Tshirt before plopping on the bed next to her.

“There’s nothing to say. They let me go. Said they couldn’t hire me on full time right now.” I keep my gaze away from hers. I know she is going to give me a sympathetic look and I just don’t want to see it.

For the last five years I have only been able to hold down a job for six months at a time. Enough time to make it to the edge of the probation period, before I’m let go and have to find employment elsewhere. The job market isn’t necessarily bad, but there seems to be a dark cloud hanging over my head in the job realm. Even entry level jobs outside of my degree are hard for me to keep a strong hold on. I’m trying to keep a positive outlook, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult. I’m almost thirty years old and I can’t even hold a job for a year. Every time I take a step in the right direction, I seem to get knocked three steps back. The more effort I put in the further I get from the goal. I just know my parents are looking down disappointed. All they sacrificed for me to survive and I’m barely doing that.

India lays down and snuggles up to me, draping her arm over my waist and hugging me tightly. It’s enough to make a couple of tears fall, and give me a needed small release. She doesn’t say anything and doesn’t ask any more questions. She lets me lay in silence, allowing me to catch up with my emotions.

“Alright it’s time to get up.” India finally says after an hour or so of laying in the bed. She stands up and puts her hand out for me to grab.

“ I don’t want to,” I whine as I grab her hand. She pulls me so I’m sitting up, but I’m still seated on the bed. “I just want to stay down here.”

“You can stay here after you get some food in your belly.”

“I don’t want to be up there with all the pups.”

“They will be done eating by now, and probably already on their second movie. Come on. Let's go!” She insists and I follow her, reluctantly, out of the room up to the kitchen.

She was right. The kitchen is deserted as we walk in. A ton of open pizza boxes spread out on the counter. We are a medium size pack with a little less than two hundred members, not including the pups. Two Fridays a month the pups have a lock-in. About seventy-five pups from the ages of three to sixteen fill the pack house. The Alpha orders a bunch of pizzas, they watch movies all night, then the next morning, Luna works with the kitchen staff to make a ton of pancakes. Usually the older ones make other plans with their friends, but for the most part it is everyone’s favorite event. India and I used to love the pack lock-ins when we were pups. Sometimes I even hang around to help, but today I just wasn’t feeling it.

“Found one!” India squeals after rummaging through the empty boxes. She managed to find a box with a full sausage pizza inside.

We both grab a seat at the kitchen island after clearing some empty boxes away. I am grateful I did not sign up for clean up duty tonight. I already saw the ice cream in the freezer earlier, so I know Luna is planning on surprising the pups with sundaes. It’s going to be a mess. Worth it to see the pups happy, but messy nonetheless.

Me and India finish off the pizza quickly. I didn’t even realize how hungry I was until I took that first bite. I could probably go for a couple more slices, but I’m satisfied for now. India manages to get me out of my somber mood by filling me in on how things are going with her and Nelson. She beams as she talks about him, and I enjoy hearing how happy he makes her. I would be lying if I said I didn’t wonder about my own mate and when, or if, I will find him. I turn thirty in two months, and if a wolf hasn’t found their mate by thirty it means the moon goddess did not give them a fated mate. It’s not all bad. It just means I will take a chosen mate, if I ever decide to settle down. Right now my focus is on getting myself out of this spiral of hopelessness. I have never been the one to fantasize about my mate, and I won’t start now.

“Shay!” My new, happier mood is erased by hearing my Uncle Darren call my name. I turn around to see him walking into the kitchen.

My uncle is a golden brown man with a less than intimidating oval face. He lost the majority of his hair a long time ago and just gave up and shaved it all off. He went with the bare face look shortly after and now keeps up a clean shave unless he is on vacation. He’s not a horrible man at all. In fact, he has always treated me like I was his daughter despite the fact that my father and his relationship went sour at the end. They fell out when I was younger, over something petty. My uncle still holds on to the guilt for not resolving things before he died, and for that reason, he stays on my ass.

“Hey, Uncle Darren.” I say slightly annoyed.

“Another job? Did you even make it to six months this time?” My uncle rests one hand on the island counter as he leans on it and looks down toward me.

“Yes. They always let me work the full six months,” I say looking up at him, clearly agitated. He knows how hard I work at these jobs. “It just never seems to go past that,” I mumble, dropping my eyes with shame.

“That’s it. You are coming over to the company.” He tells me with finality.

“No. I’m not doing that!” I raise my voice, jarring my uncle enough for him to sit up and cross his arms. He looks like he wants to say something, but is interrupted by India.

“Why don’t we take this conversation downstairs?” She suggests, but instead of responding, we sit in a stare down for several moments.

“Fine.” He says abruptly.

We all walk down to my room in a silence that I know won’t last long. My uncle never falters to tell me exactly how he feels about my life decisions. He has been trying for years to get me to come over to his consultation company, but I refuse. I have received so much from him, and feel like I can’t take another handout.

“So you get fired from another job six months in.” My uncle starts as soon as I close my bedroom door behind us. “Enough is enough of this, Shay. You need to move out of the pack house. Save the money you pay for room and board and move back in with us.”

“I wasn’t fired, I was let go. One.” I say as I take a seat in my papasan chair. I might as well get comfortable since I know this conversation won’t be. “Two. I have enough money saved up to cover me for the next three months. And three. I have been trying to find something stable. I haven’t just been sitting around.”

“I know that. That is why I want you to come to the company. These jobs are beneath you.”

“No! I’m doing fine. Something will come along.”

“Why do you have to be so hard headed? You want to struggle so damn bad.” Anger starts to seep out of my uncle's pores as he talks.

“I do NOT want to struggle.” I say with a raised voice. I can’t believe he would even think for a second that I want this for myself. “I have been knocked down over and over again, and I keep getting up, brushing myself off, and taking on the next challenge. I want nothing more than to be successful.” Angry tears threaten to leave my eyes, but I hold them at bay. I hate that getting angry causes me to cry.

“You just don’t want to do it with my help, huh?” My uncle says squarely. I don’t respond because it’s true. I want to be successful standing on my own two feet, not because I depended on him. He’s obligated to keep me on with his company, but I want to show that I’m good enough to earn it.

“You have already done enough for me.” I say with a more gentle tone.

Truthfully, I am very grateful for my uncle. He took me in when I had nowhere to go, without any hesitation. Growing up, I never felt a difference in the way me and India were treated by him or my aunt. They always loved us equally. Still, I know my parents died protecting me, hoping for their sacrifice to have a better return. Lately, it feels like even breathing is difficult.