Heaven's Diary

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Faithful Diary,

Is there any sense in sharing one’s life with a partner who refuses to believe a word one says?

The same could be asked of a cherished friend.

Why will these women not take me at my word? Have I lied in the past? Terra and Elle know me to be honest and trustworthy. And yet, when I convey to them all I have seen, heard and experienced in this house, they fail to believe me.

My relationship with Terra was on solid footing before we moved here, as was my friendship with Elle. We’ve been through everything together.

I’ve known Elle since before I was Heaven. She knew the version of me I would gladly forget. My awkward stage, my ugly stage—Elle was there for all that. Her omnipresence at that time solidified her position in my life.

Other friends have come and gone, but Elle will always remain.

I truly believed this to be the case until we three moved to this godforsaken house.

Reasonably, the first person I told about my haunting experience was Terra. I say “reasonably” not merely because she is my partner, but because she was the only person home when the initial experience occurred.

She told me I was merely exhausted from the stress of the move. I’d seen clothing on hangers, not a spectre at all. I’d knocked against something and this is why I had sensed movement.

I am not prone to exaggeration. Life tosses enough drama into my lap. I do not invent my own. I did not invent my ghostly encounters.

And, yes, there have been more than one.

And, no, Terra never believes anything paranormal has occurred.

Not even when she is the one affected.

After a few weeks had gone by without further evidence of a haunting, I must admit, I started to believe Terra’s theory. Perhaps what I’d seen in the closet was a figment of my exhausted imagination. Perhaps there was no ghost.

I’d been on edge in the house since that first night, but the feeling faded as the weeks went by. Terra and Elle busied themselves setting up their studio in the basement. I’d picked up a few afternoon shifts to supplement our income. I consider myself to be exceedingly organized where finances are concerned, but even I hadn’t anticipated the proliferation of costs we would incur upon purchasing a house.

One Friday evening, I arrived home to find Terra watching television in the living room. When I walked through the door, she smiled widely—an expression I hadn’t seen since before we moved into this house. It was a breath of fresh air, to see my love smiling. That smile reminded me of the moment we met, when my heart jumped and my belly fluttered, and I hoped to the gods above she wasn’t one of those lesbians who “don’t date trans.”

As it turned out, Terra did not think in such terms. She seemed happy to love me in the body I was born with, and she supported me valiantly as it changed to become subtly more feminine.

Terra was the lover I had always dreamed of. She treated me like a queen, and also as a partner—not an easy balance to strike.

On that Friday afternoon, her smile reminded me of those halcyon days prior to the move. I admit, I felt suspicious. Why was Terra suddenly so happy to see me?

“Elle’s not home,” she said, rising gently from the couch.

“I didn’t think she would be,” I said, matter-of-factly. “She’s working tonight. It’s on the schedule.”

Terra giggled. I couldn’t understand why. She saucily wove her fingers through mine and danced me around the room, twisting provocatively as I looked at her in puzzlement.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

She pulled me toward the creaky wooden staircase. “Come on,” she said. “Let’s go to the bedroom.”

I asked, “Why?”

Another giggle, but no answer. It had been so long since we’d even tried. I lost my drive long ago. Terra had given up any attempt at provocation.

That night, she tempted me to the bedroom like some sort of besotted muse. She might have had flowers in her hair and maidenly taffeta fluttering around her calves for the blitheness she exuded.

In reality, she wore black skinny jeans and a loose-fitting tank top with metallic skulls gleaming in distressed but brilliant silver. Her dark locks tickled her bare shoulders. Those cat eyes and luscious red lips created a hum in my belly.

To think, I saw this woman every day and... no reaction. No response to her undeniable beauty. How does one grow accustomed to such gorgeous glamour? It seems almost criminal to forget how lush and lovely one’s partner truly is.

Terra twisted her chains around one finger as she leaned against the bed.

“I want you,” she said.

“For what?” I asked.

She laughed heartily, as if I'd told a joke. When I didn’t laugh along, she tilted her head coquettishly. Another titter. She smacked her lips. How seductive.

“We used to do all sorts of things,” she said.

“Such as?”

“Such as...”

Terra took me by the hips and turned me around until I was the one propped against the bed. She descended to her knees and looked up at me expectantly. Her lashes were black as the night and dotted with clumps of mascara. The eagerness in her eyes made me nervous.

Why was she acting this way? It had been so long. We didn’t do this sort of thing anymore. We’d outgrown it, individually and as a couple.

I hadn’t worn spectacularly sexy undergarments. In fact, my undergarments bore not the slightest resemblance to sexy. At work, I dress for comfort: track pants and t-shirts. Hoodies if it’s cold. Terra and Elle are the fashionable ones. Not I. I wear whatever feels soft and cozy against my skin. Nothing too tight. Bulky is better.

Terra removed those layers.

Terra removed every layer.

Her matte red lips glistened when she licked them. She beckoned me with her mouth, but her good looks were no longer enticement enough. I required significantly more to become aroused. Terra had tried, in the past, but we’d most often given up after five or ten minutes went by with no reaction from me.

This particular night, she put in the effort. Goodness knows why.

When she brushed both palms the length of my thighs, I must admit I shivered.

When she swept those hands behind my body to squeeze my rear violently, I lurched forward, n***d in the moonlight.

Naked, and comfortable. Feeling very much at ease in my skin, that evening. No nervousness, no anxiety. Perhaps this is why my body responded more quickly than usual—not that there was a “usual” anymore.

I watched in silent anticipation as Terra’s luscious lips approached my nakedness. She kissed my tip with intention. When her lovely red lips met the soft pink flesh of my long-forgotten glans, I could not help but gasp. I never thought it would feel this way again. I never thought we could revive what we had lost.

Terra encircled her gorgeous lips around my tip. She tickled the slit ever so gently with her tongue. I could barely breathe. I could hardly believe this was happening.

She moved her beautiful face closer to my body, until her nose nudged my belly. My smallness swelled and grew within the soft walls of her mouth. She sucked gently, almost imperceptibly, but after so long without s****l touch, I responded with fervour.

This is not to say I reacted in any way. Not intentionally. If I thrust ever so slightly, this was not by will.

Her action inspired mine.

Hardness now is not what it once was. Though I considered myself quite hard in that moment, Terra was easily able to circle her tongue around my shaft. She kissed it as though it were a tongue, and this sensation inspired a moan so reverberant I would not have released it had Elle been home.

Terra continued in this vein as time marched on. She did not complain when I became unable to achieved the level of visible arousal I once had, in years gone by. She simply advised me when her jaw couldn’t take any more, and crawled into bed. She pushed down her jeans and took off her top. Her olive skin glowed blue in the moonlight. Her breasts were slight, but her dark n*****s drew into tight, tempting peaks.

I descended upon her body, l*****g and sucking her breasts. My fingers wandered beneath her black lace panties, finding unbelievable wetness that could not be contained. Her juices drizzled down her legs, coating the insides of her thighs. She was so slick I almost wished I were firm enough to insert myself inside her. But I was not, and I never expected to be. Those days were over.

My fingers would have to do. They could bring her to c****x with sustained effort. I knew that much. I sucked her n*****s and stroked her engorged bud without so much as removing her lace underwear. It felt good to have my hand trapped inside her panties that way.

I stroked with gusto. I lapped at her breasts, back and forth between the two, until she unleashed an o****m that sounded as though it had been sitting at the base of her belly for months, if not years.

In that moment, I must admit, I envied her. I did.

When the spectre in my closet made its mark on me, I would live to regret that thought.

Had it been a thought? Or a wish?

Had I wished for this spectre to appear in my life?

Had I summoned her?

This was not a thought that occupied my mind while I brought my beautiful Terra to o****m.

This thought did not occur to me until weeks later, when life devolved into the hellscape I currently inhabit.

A strange thing happened the next morning, though. Days went by before I put these two events together, in my mind.

I woke up alone, which is hardly surprising. I’d have been more alarmed if I’d woken up with Terra beside me. She doesn’t like being disturbed, and I get up so early for work.

When I rose from bed and clicked on the light, something was different in the room, though I couldn’t figure out what. The bedroom felt colder than it ought, even in the predawn hours. I darted for the closet in search of a robe or cardigan, anything to throw over my n***d shoulders.

After I’d cleaned my teeth and showered, I rushed downstairs to fill the kettle for my morning tea. I grabbed a cereal box from the cupboard and emptied the dregs into my bowl. When I opened the cupboard under the sink to dispose of my recyclables, I noticed an unusual gleam emanating from the trash can.

I pulled out the garbage to get a better look, and what I saw turned my heart to ice.

Every framed photograph of Terra and me had been stacked, frame and all, in the kitchen garbage. They’d all been thrown away.