A Little Bit Married

Trauma

I have seen a few emotions in Gray's eyes ever since we got married. And most, with the exception of the feral anger he had felt the night he kicked everyone out and the numerous altercations after that, were largely due to me.

But this time, it was different. He was different. His eyes were wide with worry and concern, and I wasn't sure if it was directed at Aunt Althea or his son.

"Gray," I said, moving closer. "We should go there and.."

"No," he said, his voice slightly shaky. It was the voice of a man who was terrified of what he would see. Terrified of what could be.

"But your son... Aunt Althea."

"I am sure someone called the fire service. I am sure. .."

"Don't you want to see for yourself?" I asked, resting a hand on his shoulder. "If your son made it out alive, don't you want him to know you?"

"He isn't my son!" He said, his voice slightly rising. "He is evidence of my weakness, evidence of how many times I was used, evidence of my association with that vixen. He isn't I consented to, Angeline."

I swallowed hard, my eyes slowly darting across both of his. Silence fell between us as he seemed to dissociate, like he wasn't sure what to do anymore. Like he didn't know what to think or feel.

I gently pressed on his shoulder without saying a word, giving him time to feel for himself so he wouldn't confuse his emotions with what I told him.

He shook his head slowly and pulled his phone to him, but then stopped, his brows lightly furrowed. He then turned to me, his eyes slightly wide, his lips parted.

"Gray," I said slowly, running my hands through his hair.

He was looking up to me, his eyes holding mine, his breaths all over the place.

"I... I am scared, Angeline."

I nodded. "I know."

"I hate this child," he said, his voice low. "But he f*****g looks like me and... I... I don't want this. I feel like everything is trying to force me to accept this child, but... I... I don't want to. I am just going to see myself getting cheated on in the next room while I am passed out in one. I am just going to see all the things I have worked so hard to bury and..."

"Why do you feel the need to bury it, Gray?"

He stopped, looking up at me. "What?"

I leaned closer, my eyes meeting his, my hand gently caressing his face. My eyes darted across both of his.

"Why do you feel the need to carry it all by yourself?"

He swallowed lightly. "I am a man. This... this is what I need to do. This is how I need to live."

"It doesn't have to be," I whispered, my face leaning even closer to him. "You don't have to be this way. Samantha, Sylvia... they hurt you. You don't have to keep what they left on you. You need to let it go, even if that means saying it to someone who would never judge you for the things that were out of your control. Even if that means saying it to me."

He closed his eyes and leaned further but didn't touch me any other way, just let his face lean on mine.

"You are far too innocent, Angeline. I miss the way it was when I was probably more like you."

I gave a small chuckle. "That's probably why I am here for you. I can be whatever you want."

He leaned back a bit to meet my eyes and then slowly nodded. "I don't want to go see him tonight."

I was sad for the child, but Gray had no say in the process that birthed him. He was drugged, and then used, and then cheated in, and I haven't suffered one third of that trauma, so I would ne er be able to judge him for the way he reacts.

He was strong enough just being here and taking it all on his own.

"I understand," I said, then kissed his forehead and slowly backed away, my eyes darting across his. "We can take this slow."

He swallowed, his eyes never leaving mine even as he repeated the last words. From the look in his eyes, however, he didn't seem to mean it the way that I did.