unconditionally. **completed**

#17 facing the past truths

we had all settled into a routine. it was nice. it was different than I ever had it with Luke. things could be unpredictable at times with Luke. his schedule at the fire house was always changing and he had many things that was always taking his time. to be honest things were better with Josh than they had ever been with Luke. Josh was so attentive and seemed to genuinely love any time with us as a family. sometimes with Luke I almost felt he never had wanted to be a family. he did it. he always did the right thing and what was expected of him. he loved me. at times it just felt like I wasn't enough. when he died I was devastated. it broke me but not entirely the way it should have. he took care of us. he made sure of that. I should not have been relieved. maybe thats why I grieved longer. I felt shame for feeling that relief and I did love him but more I love who he was with our daughter. with Josh everything is just different. the way he wants to be with us I different. for the first time in my life a man has made me feel like I was enough. he loves all my quirks and loves me in spite of never being on time. the way he loves us both made me feel in love on such a deeper level I never thought possible. i decided it was time for me to face the past and let it go. it was time to let Luke go and leave with only the best memories he gave me.

I walked into the kitchen and sat down drinking a cup of coffee. the apartment had come a long way. there was still some white but we had gotten some furniture replacing the white couch with more homey feeling furniture that was also fairly joseline friendly. " josh?"

he reached over putting his hand on my upper thighs kissing and nipping at my neck. " yeah baby. " this man drove me crazy and if I didn't stop this we would never get anywhere in this conversation.

" hold on a second. I really need to ask you this. I want to take and go to Luke's grave and I want you to come with me."

Josh stopped trying to get me back to the bedroom for half a second and looked up at me. " what's wrong?"

" nothing really. I just need tonsay goodbye for real this time. also, I kind of would like to introduce you. in a sense." I really wasn't getting this out very well. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. " I need to tell you the real relationship we had. I loved him. a part of me always will. he gave me joseline and I can't hate him for that. he wasn't exactly the best husband to me. he was a great dad. he tried hard and trust me it was hard for him. he tried to be a good husband. as far as anyone was concerned he was good to us. except he really wasn't. there was others in our marriage. many many many others. he couldn't stop." I looked away ashamed of what I was telling him. as far as everyone ever saw of Luke he was the hero and I was the heros wife. until you, I was the heros widow. I cried for him and the loss of what I thought joseline needed, but I felt guilty for being relieved that I didn't have to put her through a huge fight that was about to happen. Luke thought that all I needed was to have another baby with him. like that was going to fix our marriage and he coukd go on sleeping with other women. I had stopped sleeping with him and we would have been divorced eventually. then he died. I was angry. I was angry he left us. I was angry we were never enough for him but most importantly, I was so grateful joseline didn't have to live through a nasty divorce. I don't know if it makes any sense. after Luke died, I couldn't give him up because I felt guilty. the guilt ate me alive. I want to introduce the man that is stepping up and being what he couldn't be. I want him to know that we are ok and it's time for me to let go of all the anger and guilt. it's time for me to say goodbye."

I was surprised when he stood up and pulled me ibto him kissing me deeper than he ever had. " I would love to come."

we made our way to the cemetery where Luke was buried. I got out and waited for Josh to step beside me. " you sure about this?" He shook his head and placed his hand on the small of my back. it felt so right and comforted me I leaned into his shoulder. we made our way to his head stone and there sat a blonde girl with her hair up in a ponytail. she was shorter than I was but not by much. she had her shoes neatly tucked beside her and there were flowers placed on his patch of grass. she was talking away when we stepped up.

she stopped talking and looked up at Josh and I. when she spoke her voice was soft and angelic like. I had an uneasy feeling. I feel like I have seen her before. " can I help you?"

" I'm here to see Luke. " she looked at me confused. then a wave washed over me. Rebecca. this was the Rebecca. " Rebecca."

" yes. I was his girlfriend when he died. I just can't seem to get past it for some reason. sometimes I bring Liam here to see his dad but it just seems so unfair. " josh could feel my body tense up. this was the one Luke always rushed out to see and told me she was just a friend. Luke had a son.

my voice was weak and Josh gripped my waste even tighter. it was as though he was trying to give me strength. right now he was the only thing stopping me from face planting on the ground. " how old is liam?"

" he is five now. I'm sorry who are you?" she looked at me and my world stopped. do I say the truth and shatter her world? joseline has a brother doesn't she deserve to know him? I looked at Josh who just held me tighter. I felt so many different emotions at that moment. shame that I knew he cheated and shame that I let it happen. the worst was the shame of not knowing he was had another family. another child.

" my daughter joseline she is five next month." I sat down next to her swtting the flowers down on Luke's grave.

" joseline? his mother's name was...." she stopped her sentence and sat there staring quietly at Luke's head stone. I reached over holding her hand in mine.

" I knew there were other women. Luke and I married right out of high school. I should have left him a long time ago. I didn't know about Liam. I want you to apply for his survivor benefits for Liam. you both shouldn't have to suffer because of his death. did Luke take care of you guys while he was alive?"

" he was a good dad. he was a terrible husband. when Luke died I tried applying but since we weren't married they denied Liam without proof. I work two jobs to make ends meet. we make do. "

" that's not ok to me. you shouldn't have to work two jobs and be away from Liam I will help you but I want you to apply again. here is my number." I reached over to her cell phone and texted myself from her phone. " if it's ok with you can the kids meet? I understand if you say no. I just thought that joseline should know her brother. " I looked at her as she continued to stare at the head stone. her blonde hair was so perfectly pit up and her makeup done exactly right.

" I would like that. I didn't know...." she paused for a moment. " I didn't know I was the other woman. I had no clue he was married. I never would have been with him." I could tell she felt the shame that was coursing through me right then as well.

" nope. the shame is not ours. it's not our children's cross to bare. it his his. Luke's. this is his fault. I will never let my daughter know how terrible he was to us but I will say goodbye to the pain he has caused. I thought for too long that I wasn't good enough and spent way too many nights feeling guilt and shame. don't let his mistakes live in you. either of you." she squeezed my hand and leaned on my shoulder.

" I agree. it's time to let it all go. to let him go. " we sat there a while longer and she sat back up and hugged me tightly. it was genuine and full of emotion. raw emotion. " I have to go to work. thank you for this." she got up and walked away. Josh came and sat next to me placing his hand in mine.

" you are the most amazing woman I have ever met in my life. what you just did and everything you have gone through. I just...I love you." he reached over kissing my lips and wrapping his arms around me.

I wiped my tears away and looked at him. " this is Luke strong. Luke this is Josh stone. Josh is the man raising joseline with me. I need to say goodbye now. I won't be back any more unless joseline wants to come. given the circumstances I think you can understand why. he's a good man Luke and heoves that little princess like she is his. I won't tell her anything bad about you. she will only ever know you as the hero. her dad but I'm hoping Josh wants to step in forever and make sure she knows what a real man is and how a real man loves his daughter. I have to go now but thank you for her. thank you for giving me her." I got up and josh stood up next to me.

" can I have a second to say something alone. I will meet you at the car." I shook my head and kissed his cheek leaving him alone.