The Topper Collection: My Crazy Alien Romance Books 1-3

Chapter 2

2Meanwhile, on Earth in the town of Magic, New Mexico…

At the back of the crowd, Topper stood restlessly scanning the gathering of most of Magic’s best witches around the town’s sacred circle. Instead of praying like so many others were doing, her arms were crossed while her right leg and foot furiously stomped against the hard New Mexico dirt. Waiting had never been her best thing. She preferred action of any sort and was comfortable with the adventure it typically brought.

For reasons she hadn’t been able to take seriously at the time or now, Frost had been insistent about only opening the portal at the appointed time. She wanted to shout “Screw Glacier schedules!” to the four winds and order it done immediately. She was used to being the one who made those decisions, not the one being forced to follow intergalactic protocol.

At her age—a number that was no one’s business but hers—she and time were adversaries, not good friends. Thank the Fates she had a lot of living left to do, and it didn’t include wasting a single moment coddling some Glacier animal control officer.

A blizzard would blanket the entire state of New Mexico the day she couldn’t catch a few alien critters without any interfering help.

This situation was all Frost’s fault and she didn’t need the headache. He’d been the one who’d contacted his home planet, not her. But now he and Lacey were too busy guarding the animal shelter to come greet the alien animal wrangler.

At least the male coming hadn’t been afraid of portal travel. She remembered Frost’s guttural swearing as he’d made the trip back with them. The memory still made her laugh… as did Frost’s heaving at the end when they’d finally materialized in Magic once more.

Honestly… how much harder could it be to dimensionally travel through a magically created worm hole than to fly one of their tiny, claustrophobic Glacier spaceships to get to Earth? The time savings alone was worth a bit of nausea, if you asked her.

Aliens were such big babies about magic, except Frost, of course. He’d come to terms with Lacey’s magic pretty fast. But great s*x had a way of smoothing lots of daily life things over. Or at least she had once thought it did… back when she still believed in love and s*x and romance.

It had been so long for her now that she felt silly even thinking about such things. No one her age was out looking for romance anymore. When the urge for s*x hit, you found someone for a tussle between the sheets, and then got on with the rest your business the next day.

“I’m older than dirt and my memory isn’t what it used to be, but I haven’t lost all my faculties yet, Topper. Wasn’t your hair purple yesterday? You love purple. With those curly blonde tresses you’re sporting, you look like an angry Madonna impersonator. All you need is a pointy b*a and one of those ear piece thingies. Good thing your boobs are still perky. n****e hard-ons encased in metal wouldn’t look so great pointed at the ground.”

Topper snorted before turning a smile in her friend’s direction. Agatha Moonbeam was one of the few beings in Magic who really was older than her… and one of the few she ever spoke her genuine thoughts to.

Moonie’s labored breathing from just standing caused the same rush of concern it always did. Time and age eventually caught up even with magic wielders. True—Moonie’s power push might only last for thirty seconds these days, but it was certainly a powerful thirty seconds there for the calling. Thank the Fates for that because without Moonie, she couldn’t have created the portal between Earth and Glacier in the first place.

It’s a serious drain on everyone, even with all of them contributing. But the bigger problem was keeping the rest of Earth from discovering what was going on while it was happening. Opening the portal again so soon would just increase the risk of it being spotted. In the west, there was always some science geek with nothing better to do but look for strange phenomena popping up in the desert.

Topper fought back a sigh and barely won. She hated being frustrated and she almost never was. But today… today she was on edge. Her instincts were singing. Worse, she had looked at her anxiety and saw nothing dire. She shook her head as she turned to Moonie again.

“Frost said the animal control guy from his planet had a stick up his butt about females. Apparently the guy tried out a couple mates after he retired from being a Star Ranger, but neither relationship worked out. The reason I look like this is that I thought I’d present the most benign Earth female example to him while he’s here. I thought he would feel less threatened when he finds out the residents of Magic are not typical humans.”

“Benign Earth female?” Moonie snorted at the term and rolled her eyes. “That would be a first, especially for you, Topper. You are many things, but non-threatening is not one of them. You’ve had a permanent glare on your face for the last forty years. One look at the lines around your mouth ought to tell any seasoned warrior that he needs to tread carefully. How you manage to look so young and perky despite all that is a mystery to me.”

“You make me sound cold and that’s simply not the case, Moonie… at least not with this anyway. I’m planning on being supportive even though I still think I could do this on my own. But I know Frost’s family has enough political stuff to deal with on Glacier. For Lacey’s sake, I don’t want this new alien to feel like Frost acted too rashly.”

Moonie huffed. “Still doesn’t explain your blonde hair. It goes nicely with your awesome girls though, and that back-me-up booty you somehow manage to maintain.”

Topper snickered over the description of her figure. “Maybe I wanted to prove I can craft a common human appearance just as well as anyone else in town.”

She crossed her arms again when Moonie chuckled after hearing her statement.

“Stop that, Moonie. I was being serious. Who do you think dropped a senior citizen glamour over Magic when those stupid men in black came calling the first time? Me. That’s who. Hell, we didn’t even have to use glamour back in the sixties and seventies. It was my idea to make tie-dye shirts and wear sunglasses. We fit right in as hippies, even with the freaking Vampires. I’ve protected this damn town all my life.”

“Yep. Got to say the best glamours were all you, Topper. All you,” Moonie agreed as she fought her widening smile. “Change of subject… did you find any more of those little green devils yet?”

Topper sighed. It had been nearly a week now and the last ones still eluded her.

“No—but I can feel them watching me sometimes. The little buggers are hiding and waiting. I just don’t know for what.”

They had learned the hard way that the portal wasn’t discerning about who or what used it. It had opened on the edge of Frost’s town and on the way back, some hitchhiking—and apparently body-snatching—little green critters had come through with them. Luckily, most of them were caught immediately. The twins had helped and it had been a perfect chance for the boys to practice their shrinking spells.

So what if two of the little green meanies were now sporting big noses and webbed feet? The twins wove adolescent level spells which would wear off eventually. Probably. Spells had worn off Frost fairly fast, but come to think about it—not the lizard bad guy. Oh well. Maybe they’d know before the Glacier Crocodile-Hunter-Wannabe showed up.

The seers in town had looked at the critter portal jumping event using everything from scrying mirrors to cauldrons to tea leaves. The consensus was that they’d captured all but three.

Topper had not shared her growing concerns with anyone yet, not even with her sister, Nonny, or her friend, Moonie. What worried her was that the captured green meanies were too calm in their plastic containers, even the ones who’d been slightly modified because of spells. She would bet her favorite broom the little bastards were plotting something. Maybe she’d missed nabbing the leader of their pack.

Because of Frost’s stories, Lacey feared the missing green meanies would try to take over the bodies of the shelter animals who sometimes weren’t well enough to defend themselves from much. Topper knew the last thing a pregnant woman carrying an alien’s baby needed was more stress in her life. She had personally jumped in to handle the green meanie eradication just to make sure Lacey wouldn’t feel the need to fix the problem.

Topper wished the whole situation was already over and resolved because she had another safari scheduled.

Plus, she was supposed to go whitewater rafting down the Colorado River this weekend. That sure wasn’t happening now.

So she certainly didn’t need some arrogant alien dogcatcher checking just to make sure no one in Magic was using the green meanies for nefarious purposes. Sheriff Theo expressed similar concerns, though what in Fates name anyone would do with the critters was beyond her.

Moonie’s husky chuckle brought her attention back to the present. The woman was really going to have to give up her pipe smoking. Moonie sounded awful these days.

“Topper? We gonna open the portal now or stand here in the hot sun all afternoon watching you glare. No amount of red lipstick makes that tight mouth of yours any prettier, woman.”

Topper sighed and rubbed a hand over her face. Her real lipstick had been chewed off in a short, nervous hour. Her fingertips felt smile lines by her eyes and creases around her mouth. Her glamour spell obviously wasn’t holding. Not that she cared if she looked old anymore. Hadn’t her awkward date with Alfred shown her that female vanity no longer served a purpose in her life?

“Fine. We’re only three minutes ahead of schedule. Let’s open the damn thing,” Topper ordered with relief.

She waded through the throng of witches until she got to the front. She felt Moonie step into place beside her as she lifted both hands in the air and started the chant.

Soon all hands lifted to support the arc of power she’d crafted. Seconds later the power traveled along their fingertips until it met in the air. They brought their hands slowly down until the power formed an oval doorway of liquid silver.

They lowered their hands when she called to them to do so. The doorway to Glacier pulsed with energy and would remain open for several hours if they didn’t close it.

She looked over her shoulder and nodded to Theo, Magic’s resident Sheriff and guardian dragon. Because the green meanies had slipped by their wards, Theo straightened and came to take a stance close to the portal. Topper knew Theo secretly liked a fire-breathing dragon being the first creature their visiting alien would see when he came through.

Two minutes went by while they waited. Nothing happened. The portal pulsed for no reason.

Topper snorted and crossed her arms again. She imagined some tight a*s male on the other side of the molten silver looking at it and then back to his time piece as he counted down. She frowned and thought about turning the irritating male into something fluffy she could shave. Bet that would cure him of his OCD tendencies.

“I need to pee, Topper. How long does it take for someone to pass through the portal?” Moonie asked.

Topper snickered. As did the other witches who’d heard Moonie’s question. She dropped her arms to her side and relaxed, unwilling to let some obsessive-compulsive alien control her mood. “It depends on whether or not he was waiting at Frost’s home like he was supposed to be. Go ahead to the bathroom, Moonie. We can close the portal without you.”

Moonie huffed. “No way. They might send someone who looks like Frost. I’m not missing my chance to ogle an alien hunk because of a weak bladder.”

Topper outright laughed. “They’re sending some guy that’s several centuries old. He’s a retired warrior who’s divorced two wives and dedicated his life to his work. Frost says all the warriors on his planet are scared shitless of him because of his Goddess given power. Only those with it can become animal control officers. Frost says it’s really hard work on Glacier… harder than being a Star Ranger. But whatever the case, the guy will be more wrinkled than any of us.”

Moonie snorted and raised her eyebrows. “I don’t know about that. What kind of power does he have?”

“I have no idea,” Topper answered, crossing her arms again. “Frost didn’t know either.”

When the silver finally shifted, everyone’s attention did too. All eyes were glued to the doorway as a bare foot and leg emerged. Then they just as quickly disappeared back through it. The effort was repeated.

Theo leaned forward. “Need some help?” he yelled into the silver, his voice making it ripple.

Finally, two feet and legs emerged, along with a set of bare knees, muscular thighs, and the rest of a n***d alien male who nearly filled the whole portal opening with his excessive height and breath of shoulders. Topper didn’t see him do anything specific, but as he glanced back, the portal shrunk and closed behind him without them doing anything.

The guy turned his full attention to them and bowed his head once.

Moonie leaned close to her. “I don’t get it, Topper. How is it that males on every planet age better than females? It’s not fair… and look at him… that’s a damn nice package for an old dude. He looks as good as Frost in the buff.”

Topper heard Moonie speaking, but her gaze was watching the giant alien male nod to Theo respectfully as he passed by him. Without missing a beat, the n***d alien turned to scan the whole crowd. “I’m looking for someone named Topper.”

Like a schoolgirl asking to be recognized, Topper raised her hand. Then realizing what she’d done, she yanked it back down and huffed at her stupidity. “That’s me. I’m Topper.”

Mesmerized, she couldn’t look away as he walked toward her. He held her gaze the entire time until he stopped, leaving about two feet of personal space between them. Her neck was all the way back as she peered up and up.

Alien males physically made most Earth males look inferior in one way or the other. Apparently being bred on an ice planet did that to them. Frost was incredibly attractive for an alien, but this particular Glacieran was outstanding. His hair was nearly as silver as the portal. His shoulders were so wide, she couldn’t see Theo around them. And his body was ripped better than any Earth male she’d ever seen. And he had to be well over seven feet tall.

If the guy was several centuries old, he sure as hell didn’t look a single Earth year over fifty to her. Worse, she could tell he wasn’t using any glamour to look like he did. The masculine perfection was all him.

But despite his catalog of amazing assets, it was his eyes that caught her attention the most. They were the strangest color. In fact, they had no color at all as they shifted and changed while she gazed into their depths. They looked like the portal itself.

Erupting giggles and flying whispers finally snapped her out of her musings. In the process of breaking eye contact with him, Topper inadvertently glanced down to see his impressive d**k now pointing at her. She studied the perfection of it for a moment or two, shook her head in disbelief at doing so, then deliberately looked back up at his face.

“Greetings, Glacieran. Why are you n***d?”

Unable to stop herself, Topper snorted at her own question, but there simply wasn’t a polite way to ask a strange n***d alien why he was saluting them with his erection. His eyebrows drew together as if he hadn’t quite understood her statement. Topper fought back a laugh because it would be even ruder than what he was doing.

“Research told me your climate was inhospitable to me. I thought this would be the best way to deal with your planet’s hotter temperatures.”

Topper waved her hand in front of his stomach, nearly brushing his still rising erection in the process. She blushed over his eyes widening as much as hers at her near miss, but also felt panic when her magic fizzled off her fingertips in a short burst of purple sparks as it failed to clothe him.

She stepped back and away. Her body suddenly felt weakened, drained, and sexually needy for the first time in several decades. Of course, it was also the first time she’d seen a prime nude male in several decades as well, so maybe that explained the last thing. But why wasn’t her magic working? It must have been the portal. Maybe it had drained her more than she’d realized.

Moonie tapped her on her shoulder. “Want me to give it a shot? Seems a shame to cover all that up, but what the hell… I’ll give it a go.”

Topper silently nodded. She felt Moonie step to her side and wave a hand. Their n***d alien fisted his Johnson protectively and stepped back from both of them.

“Please cease whatever you’re trying to do and tell me how I’ve offended you,” he commanded.

Topper rolled her eyes at his order and held up a hand when the giggling and whispering grew loud around her. She looked over at Theo and motioned for him to approach them. When Theo arrived, she waved a hand over his bottom half and Theo’s pants completely disappeared, just like they were supposed to.

“Hey!” Theo yelled.

Stunned, they all watched Theo use one hand to cover a p***s as equally impressive as the n***d alien’s.

Topper sighed with relief to know her magic was working. It just hadn’t worked on the Glacieran. That was strange too, but she didn’t want to overreact and let him see that her failure had concerned her.

“Damn it, Topper,” Theo exclaimed.

“Sorry, Theo. Just checking,” she said cheerfully, waving her hand again.

When Theo’s pants reappeared, the irritated dragon patted them down checking for his keys and other belongings. “Don’t do that ever again. It wasn’t funny.”

“No, it wasn’t, but I had to know. It was a matter of… security. Now we know something we didn’t know a few minutes ago.”

Topper’s gaze swung from Theo’s sigh and nod back to the Glacieran when he spoke again.

“Ah… now I see the reason for your strange discomfort around me. Conventions on your planet require the covering of one’s mating organs. I should have guessed Earth’s primitive classification might have also meant prudish about mating. But you never know. I haven’t been off my own planet in over seventy-five of your Earth years. I read all of Frost’s observations, but he neglected to talk about those sorts of habits.”

Topper’s gaze came back to her n***d alien guest. “Yes, we cover them and keep them covered at all times. What’s your name, Glacieran?”

“Stark,” he said, bowing again.

“More like Stark n***d,” Moonie declared. “Is that your p**n star name, big fella?”

“I do not use more than one name,” Stark insisted, lifting his chin.

Topper sighed at the huffy irritation in his voice. If he understood what Moonie had meant by the p**n star comment, they might as well kiss their efforts in intergalactic diplomacy goodbye. Despite his nudity and his uncompromising stare, she could see a glimpse of the seasoned warrior Frost had warned her about. She didn’t want to make it worse.

“Stop harassing him,” Topper ordered. She swallowed hard as she fought not to look at the impressively hard body part Stark still held in one hand. “Um… got any clothes with you… Stark?” She bit the inside of her cheek when he let go of himself.

Ignoring his erection, Stark calmly pressed a button on some kind of tight fitting arm band and pulled a large swatch of purple cloth from it.

Topper bit the inside of her cheek harder trying not to laugh.

“Oh, this I have got to see. Weak bladder… don’t fail me now,” Moonie pleaded in a whisper.

Without looking at her, Topper reached out and smacked Moonie’s arm hard enough to make her yelp.

Stark shook out the strip of purple. Figures it would be her favorite shade of that color. She watched him unfold the strip and deftly shake it out into a thin square. Then he folded it diagonally until he’d made a very large purple triangle. After doing so, he proceeded to fashion it into a diaper-like covering for his crotch before tying it as expertly as any bush-born aboriginal could have, knotting it securely in the front.

Topper smiled at his success. And Glacierans thought they were the primitives?

All eyes remained focused on him as Stark adjusted himself and carefully tucked his still partially hard d**k behind the purple covering. Topper fought off a shiver as his strange eyes sought hers out once more while he finished tucking himself away.

“There. All better now?” he asked, lifting both hands into the air.

“Yes. Much better,” Topper answered serenely, matching her tone to his.

Then she turned her back to Stark, covered her mouth with her hand, and bent over to laugh harder than she had ever laughed in her life. She held her stomach until she managed to get some control back. She took a deep breath and straightened again when she felt him standing very close behind her.

“Excuse me. Were you bent over to present your rear to me because you wished to mate? I didn’t think you were aware of being the reason for my unfortunate arousal. I offer my apologies and my promise to control my reactions to you better. It might be a side effect of the portal travel. I confess I got very excited walking through all that raw energy of yours.”

At the end of his speech, Topper snapped back around to glare at him. He’d closed the distance between them so much that she found herself now speaking to his impressive chest. If she tilted her head, all she would see was the space beneath his chin.

“You’re surrounded by more than twenty staring females, and you want me to believe I’m the one who caused your arousal problem?”

Stark frowned as she glared. “Yes… because it is truth. However, my statement was an explanation, not an accusation of blame. I am endeavoring to be polite, but you seem determined to misread my every statement. Are you always so irrational?”

Topper shook her head and backed away until she could look up and glare into his shifting silver eyes. “I’m starting to think Moonie was right about you. How about you keep your endeavoring enclosed in your purple diaper while you’re here. Now let’s get this over with so you can take another arousing trip through the portal and go back to where you came from.”

Topper turned to walk away and saw the other witches still eyeing Stark. “Stop gawking at him. You saw what just happened to my power. Go home and recharge. Do it now.”

She brushed by them, refusing to be stalled from her quest.

“Theo,” she called over her shoulder. “See if you have something to fit our very large guest. Basic clothing shouldn’t over-heat him that much.”

“Uh… Topper?” Moonie began.

Topper shook her head and didn’t turn. “Save it for later, Moonie. Come on, Stark. I’ll show you the green meanies we’ve caught.”

Moonie looked at Theo when Topper and Stark had disappeared.

“Did I just hear the n***d alien admit to being attracted to Topper?” Theo asked.

“Oh, thank the Fates,” Moonie declared, putting a hand on her chest. “I thought my hearing was messed up. My body parts just aren’t as reliable as they used to be.”

Theo grunted. “Wonder why Topper’s power didn’t work on him? That’s as alarming as he is distracting. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her fail before.”

Moonie shrugged her bony shoulders. “I don’t know, Theo. Mine didn’t work fully either. All Stark n***d felt was a tickle on his sausage from what I did, but that might have been because I was zapped from opening the portal. No one comes close to having her level of power, not even Nonny or Lacey. If Topper’s got a problem, what does that mean for the security of Magic?”

Theo frowned. Dragon smoke leaked from both his human nostrils, leaving trails as he worried.

“It means that after we send this guy and the green meanies back, we need to agree about not opening the portal again. Who knows what might get through next time? It’s one thing to protect Magic, but we’re not equipped to defend the whole Earth from a whole planet of people like Stark.”

They both sighed as they watched the alien’s large purple-covered a*s moving through town behind a stomping Topper.