Finding Forever

Chapter 1 “Why do you keep canceling your appointments?” Dr. Ronald Carew asked from his plush leather-backed chair. The shrink, a man in his early forties, Leo Winthrop guessed, wore his usual attire of an elegant navy suit, this one accompanied by a powder blue dress shirt and navy tie. Leo, himself, was seated in a comfortable chair pointed toward a window overlooking the scenic ocean in Sutter’s Bay. He did not wear a suit but rather black jeans and a black T-shirt. Bouncing his right leg, Leo shrugged. “What sort of answer is that?” Dr. Carew persisted. “I’m here now, aren’t I?” “Yes, but prior today you had canceled four appointments.” He shrugged again and switched to bouncing his left leg. Though he could have looked out the window if he wanted, Leo kept his head down, his hair hanging in his eyes. He just wanted this session to be over. Hadn’t wanted to be there at all. “Why did you come today, Leo?” “For Galaxy,” he muttered. “If you aren’t here because you want to be, how much help do you think I can be?” “None. But I don’t think you are anyway.” Dr. Carew sighed. “Would you rather be referred to another psychiatrist? One you are more comfortable with?” He snorted. “I’m not comfortable with any. You’re no better or worse than the others.” “How many have there been, Leo?” “You’re the fifth one. You’ve lasted the longest.” “Did you open up to any of them?” Leo shrugged. “Leo, look at me.” It was on the tip of his tongue to say, screw you, but he didn’t. Instead he raised his head in the doctor’s direction, but didn’t move the hair out of his eyes. “What happened to you was not your fault,” Dr. Carew said softly He was flying, soaring through the skies with the other geese, looking down on the people below, who were no bigger than tiny ants from where he and his friends were. He could see for miles, the waves on the water, the mountains in the distance, the green hills. “Leo!” “What?” “You’re not listening to a word I’ve said,” Dr. Carew said, sounding aggravated. “Are we done here?” “You have to talk to someone about this, Leo. Even if it’s not me, there has to be someone.” He shook his head. “No, there doesn’t have to be anyone.” “We still have fifteen minutes left in the session. Forgetting the other for a moment, you aren’t experiencing any severe depression, suicidal thoughts?” “I might kill myself if I have to come back here again.” Dr. Carew frowned. “That’s not funny, Leo.” Leo nodded. “Okay, I agree. Sorry. I’m not thinking of killing myself and I’m not depressed. I don’t need any meds.” “I’ve been thinking of prescribing an anti-anxiety drug for you.” His jaw tightening, Leo glared from under his bangs. “Well think again. I had enough drugs given to me when I was hospitalized and I’m not taking them again.” “You don’t want to end up back in a hospital, do you?” “Are you threatening me?’ The shrink sighed. “You know very well I am not. I’m merely pointing out possible consequences of you refusing reasonable treatment options.” “It’s not reasonable to me, and, anyway, I’m not anxious.” “Fine, Leo. For now. I want to see you in here again in two weeks.” Leo rose. “We’ll see.” “Tell you what, you agree to keep seeing me and I’ll drop the talk of drugs for now.” He almost pointed out, any of it, all of it, was his choice. He couldn’t be committed without his own permission unless he was a danger to himself or others and he didn’t think Galaxy would do that to him. But instead of arguing, Leo said, “All right. Two weeks.” He burst through the office doors and to the outside like his ass was on fire. Leo paused to inhale the cool sea air. He brushed the hair off his face and let the breeze caress him. Instantly the heaviness, the feeling of doom, disappeared. Leo loved Sutter’s Bay. As far as he was concerned Galaxy’s decision to move them to the seaside town had been downright brilliant. He hadn’t bothered taking his car today; the shrink’s office wasn’t too far from home, and since there was no rain in the forecast, Leo had simply brought his skateboard, a throwback to his high school days. Now he sailed down the street’s slight hill, but not toward home. Leo’s intended destination was Stone Beach, the quietest, most isolated beach in Sutter’s Bay. He’d been there dozens of times. Hair flying behind him, Leo felt freer than he had since he’d awakened that morning. What did he need shrinks for? Or anyone really? He was far better off alone. He made the turn when he got to the street that would take him past the florist shop, St. Jude’s, and Galaxy’s boyfriend’s restaurant. Adam’s restaurant was closed now, as they were in the process of turning the old Vic’s Café into Captain Adam’s Seafood Shanty. None of the construction workers paid him any heed, which suited Leo fine. When he reached the sandy path down to Stone Beach, Leo stopped his board, picked it up, and glanced around. It was late morning and most of the kids around were still in school, which was why a ton of them weren’t headed to the water on such an awesome day. He was about to start down the winding path to the sand when someone shouted his name. Groaning, he turned around. Galaxy ran toward him from the direction of the restaurant. So much for the brief bit of freedom. He loved his brother more than the world, but he could be a real drag. “Your session over?” Galaxy asked when he caught up to Leo. His brother righted the glasses that had fallen out of place on his run over. Really, looking at the two of them, Leo figured most people wouldn’t see them as brothers. Galaxy was clean-cut, with sort of an absentminded professor or artist thing going on. Leo had more meat to his bones than his skinny older brother, kept his shoulder length hair black, had both his lip and eyebrow pierced and favored wearing black and purple. “I’m here, aren’t I?” Galaxy raised an eyebrow. “Does that mean you went?” “Yes.” His brother smiled such a happy smile, Leo felt a twinge of guilt. He had gone, true, but it wasn’t like the session was successful. “Where are you off to now?” “Going for a walk on the beach.” Galaxy frowned. “Alone?” Leo smiled patiently. “You see anyone with me?” “Try not to be such a smart ass, Leo.” “I do try.” His brother rolled his eyes. “Uh-huh. Just be careful. And don’t go into the water if there’s no one around.” “I don’t have any plans to go swimming.” “Good. But be careful in general.” Leo sighed. “Sutter’s Bay is safe.” “For the most part, yeah,” Galaxy said. “But trouble can show up anywhere, Leo. All I’m asking is for a little caution.” Leo put his hand into the pocket of his jeans, closed his fingers around an object, and pulled it out to show Galaxy. Pepper spray. “I got it covered. I don’t go anywhere without this.” Galaxy nodded and patted his shoulder. “Okay, I’ll see you later.” “See you.” Leo watched his brother trot back across the street to the restaurant. When Galaxy was back inside talking to the construction guys, Leo turned and headed down the winding path to the beach. When he neared the end of the path, he stopped to slip out of his Vans. He always left them on the path so he wouldn’t get too much sand in them. Now, barefoot, Leo continued to the sand and toward the water. Like he’d told Dr. Carew, he wasn’t suicidal. He had no wish to keep walking until the ocean swallowed him. He figured that would be too easy of an end for the predator who’d tormented him. He intended to make sure his stepfather lived with the knowledge for a long time of what he’d done to Leo. And maybe, if Leo could manage, he’d get the ultimate revenge on the bastard and live a good, full life. He’d reached the part of sand that was wet from the waves rising up over it when he noticed movement to his left. Turning, Leo shielded his eyes from the late morning sun. Some distance down the beach, sitting amongst rocks and sand, was a young blond man similar in age to Leo. The guy, whoever he was, leaned his head on his bent knees. He looked kind of lost and Leo realized he was walking toward the guy. The closer he got the more Galaxy’s words played in his head. Trouble can show up anywhere. This one, this guy with the soft, pretty features and sad puppy look, was definitely going to be trouble. He looked up at Leo’s approach and Leo was struck by the prettiest pair of light blue eyes he’d ever see. Fuck. “Hi,” he said, standing just to the right of the guy. Pretty boy blinked. “Hello.” “I hope you have protection.” “Huh?” Leo smiled. “Sunscreen. You’re fair-skinned. Looks like your skin’s already turning pink.” The guy just stared at Leo as though maybe he didn’t speak English. Leo was starting to feel stupid for coming over to talk. “I’m Leo. Leo Winthrop.” Since the blond had that definite rich, preppy-type look going on, with his expensive salon styled hair and soft, nearly beautiful features, Leo figured he’d have one of those soap opera style names like Chad or Austin or something. “Nolan.” Well, at least he’d gotten somewhere. He plopped down in the sand directly next to Nolan and waited to see if it would cause panic. Nolan eyed him with a slight widening of those blue peepers, but he didn’t try to move away. “That’s kind of a different name,” he said. “I’m named after Nolan Ryan.” “Who is that?” That caused the first smile to appear on Nolan’s face. A crooked sort of smile. “Seriously? He was a famous baseball pitcher.” Leo shrugged. “I don’t really follow sports.” “My dad would have a heart attack hearing talk like that. But yeah, I guess, he wanted to name me that so I’d become a famous pitcher myself someday.” Leo wondered how old Nolan was. He seemed young. Hell, Leo had only just turned twenty himself, but somehow Nolan seemed even younger. “Do you play baseball on the high school team then?” he asked. Nolan laughed. “I did a couple of years ago. I was never that great though, much to the everlasting disappointment of my father.” “Oh. How old are you?” He’d blurted out that question and instantly wished he hadn’t as he felt his face warm. “I’ll be twenty in two months.” Leo smiled, relieved for some reason. Okay he knew the reason. Nolan was cute and maybe Leo was forming just the tiniest of crushes on the guy. Which was odd, really. Nolan’s preppy look was not at all who Leo usually found attractive. He tended to go for guys that looked much like himself. But really, chances were very good that Nolan was straight. So, he seriously needed to stop thinking of Nolan as sexy. “I turned twenty three weeks ago,” Leo said. “Are you new around here?” Nolan asked, studying him rather intently. “I don’t remember you from high school or anywhere really. Sutter Bay’s kind of a small town.” “Newish. But not brand-new. I moved here with my brother, Galaxy. He and his partner, Adam, are in the middle of renovating their restaurant, Vic’s, into a seafood place. You probably know Vic’s. It was here for years.” Nolan’s lashes swept over his eyes and he said, “Business partners?” Leo’s stomach clenched a little. Okay, why did that question send him into instant alert? “No, Nolan. Domestic partners. Boyfriends. Whatever you want to call it.” “Oh.” Nolan’s gaze moved from him to the ocean and lingered there. “I know Vic’s. I worked there in high school as a busboy one summer. Only for a few weeks though.” “Got fired?” “My father didn’t want me to work there.” Leo wondered what that was all about and who Nolan’s father was anyway. He had caught that Nolan hadn’t given his whole name. There might be any number of reasons his father didn’t want him working at Adam’s restaurant, but the obvious one was the most likely to Leo. He didn’t feel like asking Nolan if Adam being gay was the reason though. “I’m surprised you’re not here with your girl,” Leo said instead. “Perfect day for the beach.” “I’m not seeing my girlfriend anymore. She went to San Francisco for college.” Yep, just like Leo thought. “Ah, too bad. You’re not going to college?” Nolan stopped staring at the ocean and turned his blue eyes back to Leo. “I’m going to Sutter’s Bay Community College.” Leo nodded. “I’m taking a few courses there myself.” “I’m taking the required general education stuff now, then will transfer later to a university,” Nolan said. “What about you?” He shrugged. “I don’t know. I might go intro trade or something like computer work or maybe crime scene investigation. I can’t see me being some sort of office worker or an English professor.” Nolan’s lips turned up a bit at the corner. “No, you don’t look the type.” “What are you doing out here then? By yourself?” Leo asked. “I come here when I need to think, to get away. It’s peaceful. Not that many people come to Stone Beach. Most go nearer by the harbor. The surf’s better at the beach over there.” Nolan tilted his head to the side. “What about you, Leo? You’re here by yourself, too.” “Same as you, really. I come here usually after…I just like to come here.” He was not going to tell Nolan he saw a shrink. It had been Leo’s experience that when people found out he had to see Carew they automatically figured he was cuckoo. “I’ve never seen you here before though.” “I haven’t seen you either. I should probably be getting back now anyway,” Nolan said. Leo glanced at his watch. “Me, too. I’ve gotta get to work.” They both stood and Leo really wanted to see Nolan again, somehow, but he wasn’t sure how to go about asking, especially since Nolan was obviously straight. He wasn’t even sure why he wanted to see Nolan again anyway, given that. “Maybe I’ll see you around,” he said. Nolan nodded. “Maybe. We may as well walk back up to the street together.” “Right.” And so they walked side by side through the sand and back to the path that would lead to the street Adam’s restaurant was on, but neither said anything. Leo, mostly because he just didn’t know what to say to Nolan without sounding lame, and as for Nolan, he couldn’t really say why Nolan didn’t say anything. But the silence was okay. When he reached his shoes and stopped to put them on, Nolan said he would see him around and continued up the path. By the time Leo got to the street with his skateboard there was no sign of Nolan and he couldn’t help wondering how the guy had disappeared so fast. Shaking his head, Leo rode his board toward work.