Crush

Chapter 1River I didn’t get frustrated easily, but I was a worrier. It wasn’t that I’d thought I’d find a new job easily here in Illinois, but I’d trusted there would be some place that wouldn’t mind a male nurse with bleach blond hair and, if I was lucky, an occasional makeup habit. The family-owned clinic I’d gone to for an interview the previous day had been a total bust. For one, the doctor there had been an old guy with beady, judgmental eyes who had taken one look at me, clocked me as queer, and then he’d not been able to hide his sneer the rest of the interview. I could’ve handled him, but the two other nurses and the environment itself had been the final nail in the coffin. See, the nurses were family to the doctor. One was his wife, the other his niece. Both were very…church lady-esque, which, again, not exactly my kind of people. But then I’d realized every room, including the hallways, had crosses on the walls. You can trust whichever god you want, but I refused to mix my science and medicine with such a heavy religious undertone. Logically, I knew this was how things were here, so different from what I was used to in New York. Hell, I remembered seeing a cross here and there before. It was…a lot, at this place. So, this morning, as I lay in bed and tried to muster the strength to get up and go find coffee, I found myself worrying. At least here in our new home, the coffee maker was amazing. My best friend, Lake, had inherited this place, Twin Star Rescue, from his late aunt Ruth. There were caveats, of course, because apparently that was a thing with those situations where a distant relative you didn’t really know leaves you their life’s work. It was late May now; we’d been in town a few weeks, and Lake needed to make a decision whether or not to keep the rescue by the end of July. The first time I’d seen his eyes light up when he’d met the horses and the dogs and all the rest of the critters had told me that we were in our new home to stay. That was fine, perfect in fact, because I’d just quit my job in New York. An emergency room in NYC wasn’t good for my psyche, as much as I loved my job. Besides, by some luck, the head nurse there had hated me, so she wasn’t much better than the church ladies. It wasn’t only my own situation I worried about. There was also Rey to worry about. In November, Lake and I had found a kid sleeping next to some dumpsters on a night there was going to be a surprise freeze. We’d picked the popsicle boy up, and since then we’d had a roommate. Rey was seventeen and running from something, but we didn’t know any details because he’d clam up if we asked. We also weren’t sure if Rey was his actual first name, because if we asked about that, he gave us this little grin and shrugged. From the beginning, when we still shared our two-bedroom NYC apartment, he’d insisted on being helpful. He cleaned and had cooked some, and while he didn’t have an ID and thus couldn’t study or get a job, he’d never been a freeloader. Here, at the rescue, Rey was starting to show interest in horses, he still loved to clean, and he’d been telling us he wanted to cook more as well. I rubbed my palm over my face and sighed. I wanted more for Rey; that was all. I had a feeling Lake would be figuring himself out while we were here, and Lake was an adult. Meanwhile, we had a literal kid here, with no plans for his future. At least not until he turned eighteen and could get his IDs and such without the fear of whomever he was so scared of—his family, most likely—finding out. So, we’d bide our time. Wait until he felt ready. Hoped things would go well. But for a worrier like me, it wasn’t easy at all. I grabbed my phone off my bedside table and checked the time. It was super early, but I got out of bed anyway. The rescue’s foreman, Theo, was likely up already and leaving his cabin to go feed and turn out the horses. I glanced out my window and saw one of the dogs, then another one, walk through the misty corner of my view of the yard. Theo lived in one of the two cabins on the property with his dog Bucky. The four other pit bulls, the Golden Girls, stayed in the stable overnight. I used my bathroom as quietly as I could, then pulled on sweats and a long-sleeved T, before padding downstairs. The house was quiet, so I made my coffee in peace. I grabbed a blanket off the couch and went out the back door. The concrete slab had enough room for a couple of deck chairs and a grill, and I curled up in the chair that gave me an almost spooky view of the paddocks behind the little orchard in between. I shivered as I pulled the blanket around myself and made sure my bare toes were covered, too. Shoes, or even a pair of socks, would’ve been a good idea. Listening to the morning sounds around me, I sighed contentedly. It was night and day compared to New York, and I couldn’t have been happier. I grew up in Pennsylvania, in a small town that felt kind of cozy. Just big enough in some ways, too little in others. For a kid with a regular family, two parents and a sister, I’d still never quite fit in. For one, I was on the slighter side growing up. I was the boy who didn’t fit in with most of the other boys. I ran track and liked soccer some, but my school was all about football. The jocks were the kings, the cheerleaders were the queens, and the rest of us didn’t really matter. My sister was a cheerleader, of course. It made me feel lesser in a way, especially when our dad was a football guy, too. He never came to any of my games or track meets. Mom tried, but she worked and most of the time I was alone for my events. I didn’t mind, really. My parents were always a couple first, parents second. They expected independence, and Laura and I had it in spades. They cared, but only to a point. When I came out to them at thirteen, they didn’t mind. It was the usual “don’t flaunt it and don’t embarrass us” from Dad, with a side of “stay safe” and a handful of pamphlets from Mom. I was a curious child, and—despite the state of health education—I knew what Mom meant. As embarrassing as that was, I was glad I’d gotten the pamphlets by the time I had s*x for the first time with my second crush. It ended up being totally unsatisfying, it hurt, and was icky. After we’d done it, we never tried again. It took me a few years to try again, and after that it was all better. I still wondered sometimes, if it would’ve been different with my first crush. Sighing, I watched as Theo walked a couple of the horses to the back paddock. I guess the dogs smelled me, because Dorothy, one of the GGs, ambled around the corner of the house like a dog-shaped ghost and came to get pats. “You having a good morning, girl?” She wagged her tail and put her giant blue head on my lap. She sighed, as if having been woken up at this hour was beyond her understanding and nerve. I knew she’d been fed already; that was always the first thing Theo did, apparently. “Shouldn’t you go back to Theo?” I scratched her behind the ears with my free hand. With a put-upon sigh, she turned around and walked away. I loved the dogs; they were all such characters, even if the GGs liked to meld into the surroundings a bit. They were guard dogs and looked the part, even though they were all gentle and loving. I sipped my coffee and then leaned back, closing my eyes for a bit. I often wondered if I’d actually been in love with my first crush. I’d never felt anything like what I’d felt toward him after. Not even when I’d tried dating after I moved to New Jersey for nursing school. Of course, by then I had the side hustle of escorting to pay the bills, because my parents were firm believers one should make their own way. Being an escort didn’t exactly make you boyfriend material for most of the “good guys” out there. The kind my parents would’ve accepted with open arms as they would any man their son brought home. They’d liked my first crush. He’d been nerdy and a bit shy and awkward, but he was whip smart and well-behaved. Too bad I never had the guts to ask him out, as much as we had hung out by the end. When we were sixteen, his mother decided to homeschool him for some reason, and our time together grew shorter and shorter. Then summer vacation came and I visited his place until things changed, and I only saw him once after that. Ben had been…everything. This bright light that attracted me like a moth. I still couldn’t explain why that was. My other crushes after him had all been more typically handsome, more outgoing and, what my sister would’ve called “normal.” Yet my heart was still pining for the chubby boy with freckles and red hair who chewed the ends of his pencils and hated when people were loud in the library when we were trying to study. * * * * I made breakfast and handed Lake his coffee when he wandered in just before nine. “Thank you,” he groaned in his morning-rough voice. I loved him like a brother. He was kind and giving, and despite being a bit lost when we first met while working as escorts, he’d found his way. Kind of. Because he’d gotten his job in New York in a way that was connected to his escorting. He didn’t like it, even though technically he hadn’t slept with someone to get the job. The fact that he’d worked at a bookstore, had loved Anneliese Harris’s novels more than any others and then found out his aunt Ruth was Harris…well, that was a whole other mindfuck. Now he had the book rights and a request from Ruth’s agent to see if Lake as the superfan and nephew could finish the manuscript she hadn’t had time to before her premature death of a heart condition nobody knew she’d had. I knew Lake could do it, as much as he doubted himself. The agent had even asked for Ruth’s editor to come over to help him with the story and whatever finishing a book entailed. Oh, and of course Lake was head over heels in crush with Theo. After a rocky start, they were drawn to one another like magnets. If only I could find someone like that one day, too. * * * * A couple of days later, a friend of Theo’s called for help. Lake left with him to go get some horses because we had space at Twin Star. I spent the morning applying for nursing positions within a decent distance, and then, just as I was about to give up on life, my phone rang. “Hello?” “Good morning; am I speaking with River Lynch?” an even, deep voice asked. “This is he.” “I’m Dr. Toby Cobb, I’m calling because you contacted me for the position I have open at my new clinic.” I did a little jig right there on the couch. “Yes, Dr. Cobb, I’ve been trying to find a job in the Joliet area.” “Well, I’d like to invite you for an interview this afternoon, if you have time? Tomorrow works as well.” “I can do today,” I said, hopefully not too quickly. “Excellent. How about two?” “Sounds good.” I tried not to vibrate out of my skin. Something about Dr. Cobb’s voice made me feel hopeful on the inside. I couldn’t explain it, but I immediately liked his tone. “I’ll text you the address so you’ll have it on your phone. I’ll see you later.” “Good idea, thanks. Bye!” I stood up and flailed around a little. Something told me this was it. I immediately called Lake and Theo, who were on their way to Theo’s friend’s place. I might’ve gushed about the situation a little. When Theo said that Dr. Cobb’s name didn’t ring a bell, Lake asked if I’d done any social media stalking. “No, wait, that’s a good idea!” I grabbed my laptop off the coffee table and googled the doc. I heard Theo through the speaker. “I would’ve never thought of that.” “I bet you have a f*******: account you don’t use,” Lake said in a slightly flirty, snarky tone. I could practically hear Theo’s eye-roll. “I’ll let you know I don’t have any social media.” I laughed at them and clicked on the first proper image I saw of Dr. Cobb. “Holy shit.” “What? What did you find?” “Okay, okay…so think Doctor Mike, only ten, fifteen years older and with full sleeve tattoos.” I felt a bit stunned. “One of which definitely has the pride flag colors subtly incorporated.” “Oh wow…” “That could explain why the older nurses might not want to work with him or feel like he’s…I don’t know.” Theo snorted softly. “There’s a lot of that sort of thing in the medical field. Prejudices against tattoos and stuff, I mean.” I confirmed that I knew a lot about that s**t. “Okay, well, good luck with the interview. We’ll call if we get delayed at any point, but we should be home around dinnertime. Make sure there’s enough to feed Theo, too,” Lake instructed. “Good luck, River,” Theo called out. “Thanks, guys; see you later,” I replied, already trying to find another picture of the ever so hot man who might be my future boss. * * * * Before I left for the interview, I contemplated on what to wear, including makeup. From what I could gather online, Dr. Cobb was probably queer in some way, and even though he seemed to be in his early forties, he would surely be able to take my appearance as I was? In the end, I put on skinny jeans with a dark blue dress shirt and limited my makeup to eyeliner. And of course, the nail polish I had on, which I wouldn’t take off unless I started working in nursing somewhere. The drive to the clinic took me twenty-five minutes and was very straightforward. It was in a neighborhood that had mostly homes, with some small businesses like a garage and a little grocery store sprinkled in. The building itself was a two-story, two garage house. I immediately assumed that Dr. Cobb both lived and worked here. I parked the rescue’s spare truck in the driveway and took a deep breath. I could do this. Walking to the front door, I checked the time. I was a few minutes early, which I congratulated myself on, because I hadn’t actually checked how long the drive would be, just guesstimated it. I pressed the buzzer. When the door opened, I was face to face with a man dressed similarly to my own attire. “River?” he asked, raising a brow at me and smiling slightly. “Yeah, Dr. Cobb, I presume?” “That would be me. Please come in.” I followed him inside, and immediately smiled. The foyer had been turned into a front desk and waiting area, and the stairs in back had a rope hanging off one of the banisters to cordon off the living quarters. “You live upstairs?” “Yeah, I decided that since I didn’t need all this room, I could cut costs by turning the downstairs into the clinic. I only have one kitchen though, so it’s shared between the staff and myself, but it is what it is.” He led me into what must’ve been a dining room once. There were a couple of desks in opposite corners, one of which was clearly his, and a dining table in between. He gestured for me to take a seat at the table, so I picked a chair and waited for him to sit down at the end of the table. “There’s coffee brewing; I was running a bit late, but we can chat while we wait,” he said, smiling for the first time. “Sure.” I smiled back and looked around. “I like how you’ve used the space. Very efficient but not cluttered.” Dr. Cobb chuckled. “Thank you. I was happy to see that the dining room was elongated like this.” “I can’t wait to see the rest of it.” “So, you’re new to the area as well, right?” “Right, my best friend inherited property about a twenty-five-minute drive from here, and I’d conveniently quit my previous job in New York City when he heard about that, so I decided to come with.” Something beeped, and Dr. Cobb got to his feet. “Let’s go get the coffee.” I followed him into the kitchen. “What made you quit your job?” I sighed. “Well, for one, I wanted to be a pediatric nurse, really. I ended up working at a busy emergency room where the head nurse wasn’t keen on me.” He glanced at me as if surprised by my candor. “Tell me if I’m stepping over a line you don’t want crossed, but had your appearance something to do with that?” I chuckled as I poured some milk into my mug. “Educated guess?” “You could say that.” He laughed as he pulled some cinnamon buns out of the oven. “Wow, do you bake?” “No, not really. I used to, though. I bought these from the bakery, and I feel like reheating them in the oven is better than the microwave, you know.” I didn’t know, but I nodded anyway. Cinnamon buns were delicious either way. We took our goodies back to the dining room and sat again. “So, I wanted to be even more direct, before we start,” I blurted out. Dr. Cobb made a go ahead gesture while taking a bite of a bun. “I’m gay, openly, and while I wear scrubs for work, I tend to keep my hair bleached and if I could, I’d wear makeup more often. And I don’t just mean eyeliner.” He nodded slowly. “I mean, I’m part of the l***q community myself, so that’s definitely not an issue for me. I’m still figuring out some details about the clinic, but inclusivity is a big deal for me, given the stories I’ve seen of some places not taking queer people seriously or even refusing treatment in some cases. I would definitely keep the inclusivity going in the staff where possible, and while I don’t have any opinions on makeup on men in general, I would like my nurses to not wear more than let’s say, what you have on now and maybe some, erm, foundation?” His inflection rose adorably at the end when he made a guess on the word. “Yeah, foundation. I get that. I’m not expecting to ever find a nursing job where I can go full on drag makeup on a daily basis.” I grinned. “Not that it’s my thing anyway. But I was thinking about a bit of eyeshadow maybe. That sort of thing.” Dr. Cobb thought for a beat as he drank some coffee. “I don’t see why not. You seem to have a good grasp of what’s professional.” “Now, this is where you interview me and then show me around,” I told him before biting into delicious cinnamon goodness. He threw his head back and laughed. “It is? Well, I guess we should get on with it, then.” I left an hour and a half or so later, feeling optimistic AF. Dr. Cobb was nice, seemed fair, and had a wicked sense of humor I appreciated a lot. He seemed to like me, too, so that was a plus. He said he had a couple more interviews to conduct, but that he’d contact me as soon as he had something to report. He’d grimaced when I’d told him about the place with the crosses on the walls and church ladies on staff. Grinning, he’d promised that it would be more likely for us to have subtle rainbow themed artwork around the clinic than anything religious, even though most other places would rather have the latter. The next morning, when I woke up a bit late for once, I had an email waiting. Dr. Cobb told me that he was meeting some people to finalize some details, but that once that was done, likely the day after, he’d want to see me again for another conversation about whether his clinic was a good fit for me. I took that as a good sign, because I needed one.