Women And the Demons Who Love Them

Scar Tissue-1

MGMT- Time to Pretend 

    When we're kids, a small amount of hurt can mean the end of the world. I had once stood at the podium in front of everyone I had grown up with. I had been chosen to give a speech at our graduation ceremony and even after begging my teachers to choose someone else. They made me stand up there against my wish. How was it my fault that no one else is smart enough to right the damn speech?

    It wasn't that I had some kind of stage fright. On the contrary, I didn't mind being heard or seen. I was afraid of what was going to happen when I did. The black, extra-large gown I wore made me feel a little safe. It covered up everything everyone saw throughout high school. It covered the sight that had been the laughing stock of my class, as well as the beatings I had to endure throughout these long four years. I don't want to represent this bunch of ass holes but here we are. 

    Looking over the people I remember being okay with it. I had come to terms with the fact that it was all over, and that soon none of these ass holes would mean a single thing. The next thing I remember was the slimy feeling of the toad that was shoved into my gown. My scream echoed in the speakers and I fell off the stage trying to get the thing out. Safe to say they wanted to end our time together with a bang.

    I wish this was as easy as that had been. At least then I knew who I was, where I was, and who cared about me. Leaving home had been the ideal thing to do. Everything that has happened to me since then has been my choice. I did this to myself for letting myself feel weak and useless. I had to remember that I invited the monster into my life. I hadn't been ready and I thought he might have been patient. 

    I ran through the streets of Berkeley during rush hour. Thanking whatever was good enough for allowing me to escape, that he hadn't succeeded in taking more off of my body. Tears streaming down my face, bruises are aching everywhere, and my scars are in the open for everyone to see. 

    I thought that the frog had been the point of no return for me, but I realize now that juvenile bullies had been practice for what was out there. Practice for the ugly outside of Jersey. At least then I hadn't been this broken shell of a woman, at least then I had been able to stand up for myself. Now I am left at the mercy of my fears and the hands of a detective who arrested the man who tried to force himself on me. The man I thought would love me for the rest of my life.