Hiraeth-1
1729 Words
Lil Wayne ft. Bruno Mars- Mirror
The future was never something I gave much thought to. It never dawned me that this is where my life would take me. I had wandered in a haze of depression that never really went away. Despite my long list of shrinks and their endless types of anti-depressants that were supposed to balance whatever chemicals were screwed up in my body. There was never any relief.
Chemicals to fix chemicals, it makes sense. So, why not add my own? Maybe, that's why they never worked. The label do warn against taking the medication with alcohol. One of the two, momentarily worked for me at the end of the day. Maybe it was the combination of both.
How else does one deal with the fact that there are monsters out there who can do monstrous things to innocent people who just want to live? I'm not talking about the Boogey or some kind of supernatural entity. I'm talking about people. People who damage others. People who destroy others. People who take the lives of others.
Death and hatred have been a part of my life since I was a little girl. It started with the end of my parents. When I walked through the doors of the state's child protective services, and it followed me through almost every foster home I stepped foot in.
Don't get me wrong, I don't hate anyone for what happened or what happens to me. After all, we're all human and victims of our own vices. I'm no Mother Teresa. I solve murders to keep myself from skydiving without a parachute. It keeps me on my toes, keeps me motivated, gives me purpose. A purpose to do anything other than to stop existing.
It had taken me a month to find one woman. The perfect wolf in sheep's clothing. At the beginning of this case, I had spoken to her. I had brushed her off as just an innocent bystander. Someone who was just caught in the middle of a s**t storm. She played me so well during our meeting.
The beautiful English Literature teacher all the kids have a crush on. A predator with the perfect luring technique. Reading assignments, grading papers, parent/ teacher meetings, and murder by night. Quite the schedule for her. She didn't have a pattern, only one of the students that had killed was part of her class. None of the students were connected, they didn't know one another. In fact, the only thing they did have in common was that they all went to the same school.
Everything always led me to her. The night I finally caught her, she sat across from me looking me dead in the eyes and I saw something that scared me. Something familiar. It was why I didn't see the animal sitting across from me for what she truly was the day we met. I didn't see because I didn't want to see just how alike we are.
"I guess I picked the wrong side to play for, huh?" she asked me as she was being escorted out.
The way she said it. It was like she too had recognized what was in front of her. In that moment, I wished I had taken the open shot I had when I had the chance. Anger boiled up in the pit of my belly and spread through my body aggressively. Like wildfire. I left the station before anyone could try and say a single word to me.
It can't get any worse than that I thought as I chugged down the bottle of cheap vodka. Six kids, slaughtered, defiled, and deprived a wholesome life that could have taken them to a better place. That's what gets me the most. The reason why most of my nights end at the end of a bottle or in some stranger's bed after some seriously screwed up life decisions.
"Madison," I jumped at the sound of the chief's booming voice.
I looked up from my desk to see him standing in his office doorway. He motioned me to follow him into his office. I sighed closing the file in front of me. I shoved it into the bottom drawer of my desk with the two other cases that had f****d up my head worse than it already was. I just really want to go home and watch weird anime shows for the next week.
"Chief?" I asked stepping into his office. He shut the door behind me which is never a good thing.
"I know it's been a long month for you. So, I'm benching you for a while," who didn't see that coming?
"Okay," I nodded.
"That's it? No, fight?" I shrugged rolling my eyes. "I hate bringing this topic up with you but I need you to consider a partner,"
"We've been down this road," I said sitting back.
"I know. Clarkson never returned to the force. We're getting some new transfers and I have a couple of profiles here you might be interested in. Before you tell me where to stick it, I really need you to think about this. Things would be so much easier for the two of us if you had a partner who isn't-"
"A b***h?" I finished.
"As angry," he smirked. "Every time I put you out there we get a fresh new wave of complaints,"
"So, you're asking me to pick a babysitter?" I asked. He shrugged.
"Call it what you will, Carter. You slammed your perp face-first into the cement and it was all over the media. This is kind of my last resort to keep you here. The commissioner thinks this is the only way to keep you on. So, it can be on your terms, I can pick for you, or you're gone,"
"Give me the files," I sighed. He nodded handing me two black binders. "Just two files?"
"Go through them. Take your pick. I honestly don't care how or why you pick just pick, please. Take the rest of the week off and good work. I want you back Monday, clean, sober, and with a decision made. Yes?" I looked up at him smacking my teeth.
"Yes," I answered reluctantly.
"Atta girl. First rounds on me," he said smacking a twenty-dollar bill on top of the two binders in my hand. He knows there is no way in hell I'd go anywhere with him.
I walked out and took the seat at my desk slamming the two binders on my desk. I got a few glances from people around that served to piss me off. The chair from the empty desk from me was pulled out and my least favorite person in the world slumped down into it. He spun it around and rolled himself towards my desk until his knees knocked against it. My pencil holder tipped over from the impact.
"What the f**k do you want, Sanders?" I asked without looking up at him as he tried to fix it. I took a seat feeling exhausted. I can seriously fall asleep right here.
"I heard you're cornered, Car,"
"Don't call me that," I groaned looking up at him. I hope the expression on my face reads 'please go f**k yourself'.
"I just want to throw my towel in. We've worked in the same department for six years now. We're both homicide detectives. We're both really good at our jobs. I think we'd make a great team. Do you really want some stranger coming here, getting all up in your grill, snitching on you and s**t? I know how to look the other way, sweet cheeks,"
I sat back crossing my arms over my chest.
"You know what, Sanders?" I asked. He smiled probably already feeling triumphed. "The only thing about that is that I f*****g hate you. I would rather be demoted and put in a f*****g traffic cart to hand out tickets for the rest of my life,"
"Come on, Carter," he groaned, sitting up puffing up his chest.
"Don't call me by my first name, detective Sanders. We are not friends. I am not choosing you as a partner. The only reason you want to be my partner is because you want to be promoted and f**k you. So, if there isn't anything else I can help you with, get the f**k up, put the chair back, and leave me alone," that wiped the smirk right off his f*****g smug face.
"You ever wonder why no one likes you? Why you aren't included in anything? This is why Detective Madison. Because you're a b***h," the way he said my name with so much resentment made me smile.
"If I would sit around caring about what you or anyone else thought about me, I'd have just as many open cases as you, Sanders. I'm not here to socialize. This is my job. Get your ass-kissing face out of here before I drop kick you across the room. I can use a vacation longer than the rest of the week," he knocked on my desk nodding before he got up and walked away.
I got a few glares as I walked out with my things. It wasn't nearly as amusing as the other guys laughing at Sanders for getting chewed out. What did that prick expect? The guy spent four out of six years borderlining s****l harassment after his divorce. I rather stick newly sharpened pencils in my eyes.
Getting to my house is the highlight of my day today. I set my things down and started on my dinner. I put the pot on for tea deciding that it's too early to get hammered and fall asleep. The nagging in the back of my head started up.
"You ever wonder why no one likes you?"
No, I don't wonder because I know. It's easier to push everyone away. No one disappoints that way. There are no expectations to be met. I have my one person I keep to myself and he likes what we have. It works. I don't want to be a raging b***h. I have to be. The counted scars under my tattoo sleeves, under the layers of clothes, they serve as a reminder of how much I don't want to be included in anything that has to do with this godforsaken world.
- Writer
