Cleaning is Murder

Chapter One “You’re slipping,” said Myrtle in irritation as Miles carefully placed tiles to spell ‘too’ on the Scrabble board. “And you even used up one of your blank tiles.” Miles gave his friend a sour look. He shouted, “That’s because it’s noisy in here. It plays havoc with my concentration.” As if to corroborate his words, the vacuum cleaner, in the hands of Myrtle’s housekeeper Puddin, swerved perilously close to his feet. It nearly knocked over the card table where Myrtle and Miles had set up their game. “That Puddin,” said Myrtle, glaring at her housekeeper. “She was supposed to be here hours ago. I didn’t plan on her interrupting our game. She’s a terror with the vacuum.” Miles shouted, “Couldn’t you send her away? Have her come back later?” “You know she’d never come back,” said Myrtle. “And my house is a disaster.” Miles stood up. “Let’s move the game to my house. It’s quiet there.” “Absolutely not. All the tiny tiles would fly off the board and mess up the whole game,” said Myrtle. Miles looked as if that thought very much appealed to him. But then, he wasn’t winning. “I’ll be careful.” Puddin took another menacing pass at them with the vacuum, her pasty, doughy face sullen but focused. Miles carefully placed both hands on either side of the Scrabble board and lifted it while Myrtle scowled at him. Then he crept toward Myrtle’s front door, focused on the tiles on the board the entire time. When he reached the front door, he turned and said loudly, “It’s fine. I’ve got it.” Myrtle said, “Well, don’t try to open that door.” She reluctantly stood up. Miles, however, in a fit of overconfidence, hooked his arm under the board and reached for the door handle with his other hand. In flew Myrtle’s feral cat, Pasha, unnoticed by Miles, who was still delivering his undivided attention to the Scrabble tiles. Pasha belatedly spotted Puddin and the vacuum—two nemeses. She gave a hissing scream right as Puddin switched off the vacuum. Puddin, never a fan of Pasha, screamed too. Miles jumped wildly, tiles scattered everywhere, and the word game crashed to the floor as Pasha leapt back out the front door. Myrtle walked over and stared at the floor with disgust. “So much for our game.” She turned to Puddin. “Puddin, you’re a danger to society with that vacuum.” Puddin put her hands on her hips. “You said you wanted your floor cleaned.” “That’s enough of your foolishness, Puddin. You’re a disaster today. The carpet looks all right ... just move on to the bathroom, would you?” said Myrtle. Miles put the Scrabble board back on the table and dumped handfuls of tiles on top. “Let’s start over.” “Certainly not! The only reason that you want to start the game over is because you were losing, Miles. My memory is excellent and I can picture where every word was. We’ll reconstruct the game.” Miles looked glumly at the pile of tiles. “It will take longer to do that than it would be simply to start over again.” “As if you have anything else to do! I happen to know there’s nothing on your agenda for the rest of the day,” said Myrtle. Miles turned a few tiles over. “And how do you know that?” “You told me, yourself. You said you were going to have to find something to do. So we have all the time in the world to put the game back the way it was,” said Myrtle. The sound of shampoo bottles and other paraphernalia hitting the floor and the bottom of the bathtub came from the direction of the bathroom. Puddin muttered darkly to herself in the back. Myrtle’s doorbell rang, and she lifted her eyebrows. “Who on earth could that be?” She stood up and walked to the front door, opening it. Her son, Red, was standing there, frowning. “Where’s your cane, Mama? Did you walk all the way across your living room without it?” “You may be the police chief of this town, Red, but you’re not the cane police,” said Myrtle with a sniff. “I don’t need a cane inside my own house. I could navigate my living room blindfolded.” “Let’s not give that theory a try,” said Red, shuddering. He stepped inside. “Hi, Miles. Everything going okay with you?” “Aside from a bad bout of Scrabble? I suppose so,” said Miles. Red shook his head. “I can tell you where you went wrong. You went wrong when you agreed to play Scrabble with Mama. You’ve heard of card sharks? She’s a tile shark.” Myrtle glared daggers at him. “You make it sound as though I’m cheating—keeping an extra ‘T’ in my pocket or something.” “You cheat by playing without a handicap,” said Red. “When you play Scrabble, you should be given all Js and Qs. Or only vowels. Otherwise, it’s unfair.” “Thanks for your misguided concern about our game. As it happens, we were having lots of fun until you arrived. Weren’t we, Miles?” asked Myrtle. Miles’s face was dubious. Red said, “It looks like somebody got mad and flung all the tiles off the board.” “Oh, that was Puddin’s fault. She’s a holy terror today,” said Myrtle. Red snorted. “Worse than usual?” “You wouldn’t think it was funny if she were throwing around your things and messing up your game with a vacuum,” said Myrtle. “Anyway, why are you here? Did you come by to drive me up the wall?” Red shook his head. “Actually, I was just stopping by to see if you had anything to eat over here.” Miles gasped so violently that he gave himself the hiccups. It was quite a loud case of the hiccups, too. Red grinned at him. “It’s okay to eat prepared food here, Miles.” Myrtle frowned at Miles and said to Red, “I have a whole kitchen full of food. Help yourself. But don’t you have food at your own house?” “That is a matter of opinion,” said Red, walking toward the kitchen. Miles hiccupped again and followed Red, pouring himself a glass of water. Myrtle said, “Elaine thinks it’s food and you don’t?” “Precisely. My dear wife’s gone all granola on me. House is full of sprouts and chia seeds and all kinds of crazy stuff.” He shook his head as he rummaged in Myrtle’s refrigerator. Miles took a large gulp of water and said in a steady voice, “I wondered what made you choose your mother’s house for sustenance.” A look passed between Red and Miles and Miles hiccupped again. Myrtle said crossly, “Miles, you’re being obstreperous today. You know I have food here. I cooked just last night, and it was superb. It was so good that when I was putting my leftovers away, I thought it was such a pity that no one else lived here and could enjoy it.” Red blurted, “That’s great Mama, but I was only looking for a sandwich. I’m still on duty and a casserole would make me too sleepy this afternoon.” “I never said it was a casserole” said Myrtle, narrowing her eyes. Red drawled, “With you, it’s always a casserole.” Myrtle watched in annoyance as Red took the rest of her ham and mayonnaise and put together two large sandwiches. “I don’t understand why you’re not grabbing lunch on the go at a fast food place or something.” Miles said thoughtfully, “I bet Elaine packs his lunch every day.” Red pointed at Miles. “Good analytical thinking. You should join the force. Elaine has been sending me to work with all sorts of organic, non-GMO mumbo-jumbo. She’s gone vegan, too, and I don’t like the slice of ‘cheese’ that she puts in my sandwich. If it’s not dairy, I’m not sure what it is. The sandwich bread is some kind of multigrain, gluten-free obscenity. She offered me a coconut milk yogurt for a snack. But I can’t pick up fast food because she’d know I wasn’t eating her food if I’m spending money on lunch. This is a delicate situation.” “Elaine’s hobbies never last for long,” said Miles in a comforting tone and finally without hiccupping. “That’s right. She gets these short-term obsessions and then she’s done,” said Myrtle. “I sure hope you’re right,” said Red. He enthusiastically chewed and swallowed a large bite of his sandwich. “I can barely choke down the food she gives me every night. And I really hate that. I’ve always tried not to hurt her feelings when she embarks on these madcap hobbies. I’ve been able to sustain an interest in her art, landscaping, knitting, photography, and a lot of other stuff.” Myrtle said thoughtfully, “And, for the most part, you’ve done a good job acting interested.” “This one is really testing me. You should have seen what she gave me to eat last night. It makes me feel nauseated just thinking about it,” said Red with a shiver. Myrtle said, “It couldn’t have been that bad.” Red said, “Mama, you know I’m not exactly your biggest fan when it comes to your cooking.” “For whatever unwarranted reason,” said Myrtle coldly. Miles smiled. “Well, let’s just say that I’d rather have eaten the entirety of whatever casserole you concocted than what Elaine put on the table last night,” said Red. Miles stared at him, shocked into silence by this statement. Red said, “Fortunately, Jack had the foresight to try and flush one of his shoes down the toilet and Elaine had to run away from the table. While she was in the back of the house, I stuffed the abomination down in the bottom of the trashcan and concealed it with trash.” Miles said in wonder, “What was this awful meal?” “It was some sort of soggy gluten-free wrap stuffed with limp veggies and held together with hummus. It fell apart when I looked at it.” Red took a final, appreciative bite of his last ham sandwich. “Then this morning it was tofu scramble. And I was so hungry I thought I might cry.” Miles said, “Do you have a long-range plan for handling this? You can’t just not eat.” “I know. I’ve lost a ton of weight already. I’ll waste away,” said Red, alarming himself by his own words. Myrtle snorted. “I see no wasting away in your immediate future, Red. But listen: while Elaine is in this healthy mode, why not stockpile food over here? You could do some grocery shopping for both of us. Then you can fib to Elaine and say you need to run by and check on me for whatever reason.” Red rolled his eyes. “It’s no lie that I need to check up on you. Okay, that sounds like a plan. I’ll go on a big shopping trip later today and tell Elaine that I’m giving you a hand. I just hope she doesn’t find out. She’s so earnest. Elaine thinks she’s doing this good deed to make Jack and me healthier. I feel bad about not eating her food because she’s worked so hard at it.” Miles said, “She’s put Jack on that food?” “Well, she’s tried. But it’s not exactly easy to make a nearly three-year-old eat carrot cake protein bars. Jack has gone on a hunger strike. I slip him Cheerios when I can,” said Red. “I’ll try to rescue him later for a stroller ride and maybe we’ll walk to Bo’s Diner and get some real food. And I’ll pay in cash so Elaine won’t find out.” There was a crash in the bedroom and the sound of books falling out of the bookcase. This was followed by more dire mutterings from Puddin. Red said, “She is bad today. What’s going on with her?” He walked over to Myrtle’s pantry and grabbed the potato chips. Myrtle shrugged. “I assumed at first that Dusty was getting on her nerves. But then she mentioned shortly after she arrived that it had something to do with someone who owed her money.” Red raised his eyebrows. “Puddin is in a sound enough financial position to lend people money?” He grabbed a handful of chips from the bag and stuffed them in his mouth. “No, this seemed to be someone she worked for. She launched into a long explanation, but Miles and I were about to play our game and I needed her to clean, not flap her gums. I’m sure I’ll get to the bottom of it later.” Myrtle paused and hollered, “Puddin, in case it’s not completely obvious to you, you need to pick those books up!” “Stupid books!” came the angry and tearful reply. “I’ll leave you to it,” said Red quickly. “Good luck.” He started to put away the chips, then shook the bag. “Not enough in here to put away. I’ll take them with me.” Myrtle sighed. “When are you going on this grocery shopping expedition? I’ll need some food in the house now that you’ve raided my pantry and fridge.” “I’ll go this afternoon. Anything you specifically want? I’ll try and keep my stash separate.” Red walked toward the front door. “Yes. Don’t you need to write it down?” “Nope. Mind’s like a steel trap.” Red tapped his head. Myrtle frowned doubtfully as she followed him to the front door. “Hm. I need one percent milk. Not two percent. And I want brown eggs, not white eggs. And I’d like a bag of barbeque potato chips ... not any other kind.” “Got it,” said Red. “See you, Miles.” Red turned at the door and gave her a stern look. “Mama, you aren’t using your cane.” Myrtle bared her teeth at him. “When I come back with those groceries, I want to see you holding that cane,” said Red firmly as he shut the door behind him. “I’ll hold that cane, all right ... so I can beat him with it,” growled Myrtle. “Assaulting a police officer?” asked Miles, returning to the living room and sitting down at the card table. “I have a feeling that may backfire on you.” “All right then, perhaps a more visual display of my displeasure is in order,” said Myrtle. Miles raised an eyebrow. “In the form of an army of gnomes? Facing his house?” “It’s ridiculous that those precious yard gnomes upset Red so badly. They’re so whimsical. All I need is for Dusty to come by and give me a hand with them and we’ll be all set,” said Myrtle. “Are you certain that you want to make Red angry before he goes to the grocery store and buys you food?” asked Miles. “Red will botch that, anyway. Even when I’d send him to the store when he was a little boy he’d come back with the wrong stuff. I’d tell him to get green apples and by-golly, he’d come home with red ones. I’d ask him to get Duke’s mayonnaise and do you know what he’d come back with?” “Mustard? Ketchup?” asked Miles, hazarding a guess. He continued putting tiles back on the board. “Even worse. Hellman’s mayonnaise! It’s as if he wasn’t even listening to me at all,” said Myrtle. “It does sound like a habitual problem,” agreed Miles. “But I will point out that Red is now in his 40s. Perhaps he’ll come back with exactly the eggs and milk you want.” “Let’s say it’s extremely unlikely. He was way too smug when he said that he didn’t need to write a list to remember the items. I’ll enjoy reminding him of that fact when he comes here with whole milk and white eggs. Putting the gnomes out will protest the cane issue and the messing up my grocery order issue. Two birds with one stone,” said Myrtle. “Now to find out where that Dusty is today. Puddin!” A tearful and still sullen Puddin appeared reluctantly from the back. Myrtle looked at her in alarm. “What’s happened now?” “Stupid knickknacks,” snarled Puddin, holding out her hands to reveal a broken vase. Myrtle put her hands on her hips. “All right. What’s going on with you, Puddin? You’re even worse today than usual.” To Myrtle’s surprise and horror, Puddin burst into tears.