The journal of deep thoughts

Abby...

Hello stranger...

I have honestly no words for what I'm feeling, I'm on a train right now but still don't know to were exactly... I'm writing this because there is no one else I can tell this to, I just lost faith on my entire family and as stupid as it sounds I don't even dare to tell my best friend, she's already dealing with Violet actually wanting to date our literature teacher and I don't blame her. So here I am soaking wet sitting in an empty train while I'm trying hard not to cry...

It happened so fast that I can't believe it really happened, it couldn't. I had such a great life, sure I lived an hour away from my two best friends but that didn't stop me from having an amazing time. My "parents" always showed how much they loved me, and I had a brother too, he was older that me but that didn't stop us from being practically best friends, or so I thought. Some people say that ignorance is bliss and hell were they right, I shouldn't had asked so many questions, but I was so stubborn that I didn't even realize what I was risking in exchange for answers that I didn't need...

It started a few weeks ago, I was in the attic looking for photographs from when I was really small for a school project but the thing is that I found non which was really strange since my mom never got tired of telling me stories from when I was little but then I realized that every time I asked for a picture from those stories my parents would always either avoid the request or  they promised that they would show them to me later but never did. I decided to ask my brother if he had any pictures but instead of just answering he got really nervous for no reason, like if he was hiding something, in the end he said he didn't but I still felt something was wrong. My parents work all day and don't come back until seven in the night to have dinner with us, since that day everything started to change for me. When everyone was eating I casually asked for those photographs to confirm that they would react the same way me brother did, I never should've asked. They did, as they tried to act calm and not to seem suspicious my world started to slowly crumble, I stopped hearing their stupid excuses because I knew they were lying, they had for all my life, as I thought of this a tear fell from my cheek but I quickly wiped it out so nobody would notice. I just acted like it was no big deal and allow them to continue with their meal but I didn't, I excused myself and hid in the stairs as I heard the persons I loved confirmed what I dreaded...

"What the hell just happened?"

"Do you think she noticed?"

"Does she know?"

"Mom I can't bear having to keep lying to her, she's my sister"

"She doesn't know and she will never know, understood? I've worked to hard to hide that truth from her"

"But only you two know what's her real past, you know she really loves you so why are you hiding it from her?"

"Because if she finds out she'll run away and never come back, I can't risk that"

I ran to my room and locked the door, this was too much to bear. I started crying bitter tears as I remembered my parents with hate and my brother with disappointment, what was so f*****g terrible that would make me want to run away and why was I never told that I was never truly a part of that family I called mine. I no longer belonged there...  as I opened my eyes I saw the  room where I used to sleep in since I could remember but didn't recognize anything as mine. Those treasured memories that I had in that room had become in stories of fairytales that were no longer mine, I couldn't even recognize myself anymore because I didn't even know my real name. The despair of knowing the truth was killing me, I demanded to know, I wanted to scream at the world and at my parents for ruining my life. Rain started pouring into the room because I hadn't closed the window but I didn't care, how could I? I  just lost everything I had, my family, my house, my identity. I felt so f*****g betrayed and started to wonder if their love towards me was even real... I fell asleep on the floor afraid and sad of that unknown truth that had destroyed my life...

I woke up hoping that everything that had happened was just a bad dream, but it wasn't. I had never felt so lost, I slowly started dying inside having to bear all the lies my family said to me, I nearly talked in class but I guess my friends must had assumed that I was on my period, I just wish that was true. But I couldn't take it anymore, I was literally pretending that nothing had happened and that everything was okay but that was bullshit and it needed to stop.

I went into the kitchen and saw those strangers that I used to call my family acting like nothing was wrong and that triggered my anger.

"Tell me the truth"

"What truth sweat heart?"

"Don't you go sweat heart me, tell me the truth!"

"Abby! That is no way to speak to your mother, apologize"

"NO! She's not even my real mother is she? This is just a little bullshit play isn't it?"

Everyone went dead silent and tried to understand if this was really happening.

"I want to know! Do you know how hard it is for me to find out all of the sudden that you are not my parents, you are not my brother, this is not my house and Abby is not my real name!!! I just lost everything and just because you were to selfish to tell me"

"Abby you know that isn't true"

"YOU SHUT UP! I f*****g trusted you, we were supposed to be brothers remember? You have no idea how much it hurt finding it out. I would've accepted it if you had told me but I was the one that found out!"

Tears where falling from everyones faces but I didn't care.

"TELL ME THE TRUTH"

"Fine, I'll tell you"

"We used to live in Paris and we became close friends with another couple, they were expecting a baby and invited us to see her when she was born. But when we got to their place we heard screaming, the father was hurting the mother, when we got him to stop he realized what he had done and killed himself in front of all of us. We decided to take care of our friend and the baby and one day she told us to watch her while she went for a walk. It started getting late but she hadn't came back yet. We started getting worried and called the police but the only thing they found were two letters sealed with wax."

My mother came back from her room and handed me both of them, the first one was open:

My dear friends,

I can't bear to stay any longer with you, thank you for everything you have done for me but I must leave now, far away from this place where my love went mad and killed himself, when I lost the will to keep trying to be something that I wasn't meant for if I was alone, to be a mother...

The next one was sealed  and was much more longer:

Hello my butterfly,

I know that I'm writing this at a time where you even know what the world truly is but I trust that  your new parents will give it to you when you are ready. My name is Margaret and I'm your mother, I met your father here in Paris and we both fell deeply in love, we got married here and had the most beautiful wedding but nothing brightened our lives more than the knowledge of your existence, we were so happy to have a child to call our own. Your father adored you and treated you with all the kindness in the world, he wrote you a song and sang it to you every night, eveytime he found a beautiful flower he always brought it to you and told you that you were as beautiful as that flower. I gave you the name of Abby, it sounded right, when your father was working and we had nothing to do I would play some music and dance with you between my arms, you truly enjoyed that and always smiled. But I didn't truly know what happened that day when your father acted like a psychopath but I will tell you this, he did't mean it, he was sick, he loved us with all his life and when he realized what he was about to do he could't bear to look at anyone, he killed himself because he felt guilty of a crime that he didn't commit. After that my world became in tears and pain, I had to get away from the place where i found and lost the love of my life. I just want you to know that non of this is your fault okay? You were the  daughter we had always dreamed about, you are perfect in every way.

I love you with all my heart

Mom

I had a family, and no one even had the audacity of telling me..

I ran into my room as everyone followed me, I locked the door and took everything I could and all my saved money, this was too much and I had to get away...

I sneaked though my window and ran as fast as I could while those traitors still thought that I was in my room, I went to the train station and took the nearest train... I didn't care to where it went, I just wanted to leave that place where I had found my deepest sorrows and  I started to wonder what would have happened if nothing of this happened...

Confused girl...