A beautiful storm *COMPLETE*

21

*TRIGGER WARNING.*

It’s dark. I can’t see anything but the light shining through the window. I feel heavy, like I can’t move. I’m trying to pull away, to no avail. The grip on my wrist gets tighter. I turn my head and I see blue eyes in the dark, piercing into my soul. “I’m here to collect what you owe me” he chuckled darkly. My pants are ripped from my body. I try to scream, but nothing comes out. Silence. I feel pain as he roughly enters me. I try to fight him off, but he’s too strong. I stop fighting an accept my fate. This isn’t how it’s supposed to go. This isn’t how my life is supposed to be. I hear the dreaded zip and buckle of his belt. “I accept your apology” he sneers before leaving me alone, crying in my bed. I scream out, startling myself awake. I notice my face is damp. Looking back, so is my pillow. That dream plagues my nights more often than I’d like to admit. I think back to that night. I don’t know why I didn’t fight harder. I blame myself for allowing it to happen. I should have fought him. I should have done anything. Instead, I did nothing. I didn’t fight for myself, and I’m not sure I will ever forgive myself for that.

Today is my 21st birthday. It’s been three years since I escaped the hell that was my life. It’s kind of crazy to think about how much has changed. I left and never looked back. I was thankful for the ounce of courage that I had on that dreaded night. Angry that I didn’t fight back, but grateful that I pushed myself and now, I’m living better than I ever have. The nightmares are rough. They’re not about finding my mother anymore. They’ve been replaced with the sound of my muffled screams. His words are what haunt me the most. “I’m here to collect what you owe me” “I accept your apology.” I rush to the toilet, vomiting. Every time I have that nightmare, it makes me sick. After brushing my teeth, I hop into the shower, scrubbing the filth from my body. Him touching me in my nightmares is enough to need scrub off the top layer of my skin. Thirty minutes of scrubbing later, I feel refreshed enough to get out and start my day. I decided that today would be the start to a new beginning. Today, I would promise myself to start living again. I’ve been allowing my past life to hinder my future and I’m done doing that.

I’d continued my tradition of buying a single cupcake from the local supermarket. It was always only me anyways. I’d even gotten myself a candle this year. I had chosen a vanilla cupcake with strawberry buttercream, topped with a chocolate dipped strawberry. I sat down at my coffee table, deciding to have the cupcake for breakfast. I lit the candle, silently wishing for new beginnings, and blowing it out. Taking a bite of the cupcake, I moaned. This was delicious. Quite possibly the best cupcake I’ve ever tasted. I smiled as I looked around my little apartment. It wasn’t extravagant by any means, but it was me. It was more than I thought that I could have when I pictured my future so many years ago. I heard my phone ping, signaling a text message. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY BI*CH”. Gotta love Gemma. I responded with “Thanks, love you girl”. Not even a moment later I received “Be ready for tonight. We r so getting sh*tfaced.” Following another that said “Luv u too girl”. Shaking my head, I set my phone back down. Gemma is a party girl. She knows how to have a good time and I have no doubt that she’s going to make tonight one for the books. I had a few hours before I had to get ready for tonight. I decided to take a walk to the beach. The ocean was one of my favorite places to see around here. I threw on my SANDbar tank top, a pair of denim shorts, and laced up my favorite adidas. I stopped to look in the mirror, deciding to quickly throw my hair in a high pony. I grabbed my phone and headed out the door.