The Assassin's Enthrallment:The Confradia Assassins VI

Chapter 6: Was it a mistake?

Chapter 6: Was it a mistake?

Bella

Rising from my bed, I adjust my romper and look at my phone. I’ve been asleep for at least twelve hours, but I don’t feel rested. Biting my lip, I recall how I ended up in my bed with my romper around my waist. I dry humped Logan Blake. I can’t freaking believe it. I remember dragging him to the bed, kissing him, and offering my body to his hands and lips.

It was the most wonderful experience of my life, and he left. I don’t know how I feel about that. The urge to see him and talk to him is nearly overwhelming, but I resist. Something inside of me tells me that he left because he regretted what we did, and it hurts. Looking down at my bare toes, I slip off my romper, followed by my panties, and toss them across the floor. As I slip into the shower, I let the water glide down my body. My breasts ache, and my n*****s feel sensitive from his touch. My folds are swollen from grinding against Logan’s zipper, yet I can still feel my clit throbbing with need. I want to feel him again. This time without any constricting clothing covering us. I want him inside of me, taking me hard and fast, or slowly and sweetly.

Closing my eyes, I slide my hands down to my folds and swirl my fingers across my swollen clit. As I pleasure myself, I imagine Logan's lips wrapped around my n*****s as his fingers toy with the hard nub. I imagine his tongue laving each bud and traveling down my stomach and swirling across my clit. I imagine him tasting me and sucking me until ecstasy bursts through my sheath. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I shudder and groan as my release washes through me.

I’ve never felt the way I do for Logan with anyone else. I think that even before we met that I’ve had strong feelings for him. I know it’s stupid to think he feels what I feel, but I can’t help but want him.

Throughout the day, I obsess over what happened last night. I’m so distracted that I have to stop what I’m doing and pull myself together. I feel stupid checking my phone to see if he has called, but nothing happens.

I spoke to Gran earlier, and she’s none the wiser over what occurred in her apartment, which I’m grateful for. Our conversation is somewhat stilted─ mostly on my side. I try to be sneaky when I ask about Logan. Gran just shrugs and says that he’s busy.

Over the next few days, I become even more disheartened. But I also realized that I was foolish to think Logan would have felt something more than just a passing attraction. For years I’ve heard gran mention Logan’s many conquests with women. To think that I was special to Logan was the epitome of stupidity. Especially when Logan himself told me that he was not the kind of guy I should become attached to.

To make matters worse, Dr. Carson Newl, one of the hospital’s most prestigious Oncologists, has taken notice of me. I say worse because he isn’t noticing me on a professional level. Dr. Newl is sixty-six years old and powerful enough to destroy my career if I don’t tread lightly. So far, I’ve managed to avoid being alone with him, but he has made no bones to the fact that he wants me to become intimate with him. Every time he touches me, my skin crawls.

It’s the end of my shift, and I’m so stressed out that I don’t notice that Dr. Newl followed me to one of the resident’s resting rooms. There are rooms set up for medical staff in case they want to take a nap before their next shift. I was sitting on the bed, trying to compose myself when Dr. Newl walked in and locked the door behind him. Fear like I’ve never felt before settles in my chest. My mind rushes through possible ways to get out of the situation, but I’m too frightened to do anything but sit there.

Dr. Newl is very pale with nearly white hair. At some point, he must have had a facelift because it’s pulled back unnaturally. I can also see scars behind his ears that indicate surgery. His body is fit for someone his age, but I have no interest in seeing any of it.

“Bella.” He mutters in a husky tone that I’m assuming he thinks is sexy, but only grates on my nerves. Before I can move, he takes a seat beside me and settles his hand on my leg. “I’ve seen how hard you’ve been  working, and I have to say that I’m impressed.” He says in a fatherly tone.

I nod my head and give him a tepid smile. “Thank you, Dr. Newl,” I reply, shifting away in hopes of removing his hand from my leg. “You know you’ll make a great doctor, Bella. You just need some guidance─like a mentor.”

I take a few steady breaths, but don’t reply.

Dr. Newl must see it as a positive because he leans closer and whispers. “I can help you with that, you know? All I ask is that you be a little more…accommodating.”

My face flames, and my heart speeds up with panic. Thankfully, my phone rings at that moment. Reaching for my cell phone, I give him an apologetic look and say, “Sorry, Dr. Newl. I need to take this. It’s from school. Have a good day.” I say before I rush out of the door.

My head pounds painfully, and my hands shake when I answer the call.

“Hello,” I answer hesitantly. “Hello, this is Sara Crosby, the financial advisor at Stanford. Am I speaking to Bella Arias?” The woman asks steadily. “Yeah, this is Bella,” I reply.

“Ms. Arias, do you have a moment to stop by the hospital’s student office? There’s some important information we’d like to speak to you about.

“Sure,” I reply. “I’m in the hospital now. I’ll be there in a few minutes.” The woman hums in agreement and disconnects the call.

As I make my way to the office, I feel nerves tingle in my stomach. I wonder why they’re calling?

The office is nearly empty, but Ms. Crosby is there waiting for me. “Ms. Arias.” She says with a businesslike smile. “Please come to my office.”

I take a seat in one of the chairs and look around, seeing files cluttering the closet-sized space. “Now, Ms. Arias, I asked you here because we’ve come upon an issue with one of your scholarships.” She states as she opens a file and places it in front of me. “Apparently, Brighton, the company that was supposed to provide the funds went bankrupt and are no longer able to pay. We spoke to the person in charge of their financial case, and nothing can be done.”

My head spins as I consider what this means. Brighton pays for half of my tuition. Without that money, I won’t be able to stay in the program. “What? What do I do? I don’t have the money to pay for this, and I’m almost at the end of my residency.”

Ms. Crosby shakes her head with pitying expression and shrugs. “I can extend the deadline for the p*****t for at least two weeks. You just have to come up with ten percent of the tuition. By then, we should be able to provide some aid and find a few other options, but it’s going to take some time.”

Nausea gathers in my throat, and my stomach churns. Ten percent is a little over five thousand dollars. “I…I don’t have that kind of money,” I reply. Ms.Crosby hands me the bill and gives me an encouraging nod. “Perhaps you can ask someone for a loan. I’m sorry, Ms. Arias, there’s nothing else I can do.”

I leave the office feeling hopeless and lost. It’s only been a week, and I feel like everything in my life is falling apart. Tears gather in my eyes, blurring my vision as I make my way to a nearby park. I don’t know what to do. Gran doesn’t have that kind of money, and even if she did, I couldn’t bring myself to ask for it. Unfortunately, everyone I know is scrounging for cash.

I don’t know how long I sit there, feeling lost. I nearly startle when I feel someone take a seat beside me. The woman is attractive with long blond hair and light blue eyes. “Hi, I’m Nancy. I’m sorry for being nosy, but are you okay?” She asks, kindly.

My chin quivers as I gaze into her eyes. “It’s nice to meet you, Nancy, I’m Bella. I guess I’m okay. I’m just having a bad day.” Nancy nods in camaraderie. “Tell me about it. I remember a time when I was sitting on this same bench feeling just as sad.” I quirk a questioning brow. “What happened.”

She shrugs. “I had lost my job and was going to be out on the streets because I didn’t have any money.”

I snort at her words. “I can relate to that. I just found out that my scholarship is no longer available, and that I might not be able to afford school or my apartment.”

Nancy pats my back gently. “Is there anyone who can help you?”

I shake my head. “No. There’s no one. I’m so screwed.”

Nancy looks ahead thoughtfully before she turns to me. “How old are you?”

I wonder why she’s asking me but swallow any doubt. “I’m twenty-one.”

She smiles. “Look, I know this talent scout who’s always looking for models. He pays very well. All you have to do is go to parties, smile, serve drinks, and look pretty. You’re just the kind of beautiful girl he hires. He pays a thousand dollars for each party.”

Hope springs through my heart at her words. I’m so desperate that I don’t question the validity of her offer. “Do…do I have to do anything else?” I ask dubiously.

Nancy shakes her head. “No. I know it sounds odd, but the whole purpose of this is to sell products to businessmen. My friend will have pretty girls and negotiate while the men are given drinks and the opportunity to look at pretty girls. I did it for years. It’s fun. Have you ever been to a car show or sports event?”

I nod my head. “Yeah, I used to go with my dad to car shows when I was little.” Her smile widens. “Well, it’s like that. You’ve seen all the pretty girls giving t-shirts and taking pictures as the men explore the cars. It’s just like that.”

Her reasoning makes sense. I remember seeing pretty women in sexy dresses, posing in front of sexy cars. Nancy hands me a card, with a business logo, a name, and a phone number. “If you’re interested, just call this number, and they’ll set you up for a party or two.”

I take the card and place it inside my pocket. “Thanks, Nancy. That’s very kind of you.” Nancy nods and glances down at her cell phone.

“Oh, I have to go back to work. It was nice talking to you, Bella.” I take her hand with a smile and observe as she makes her way across the street.

For days, I look at the card. I tried finding part-time work, but with my schedule, it's difficult. I’ve also tried calling Brighton in hopes of finding a way to pay the loan, but it’s no use. If I’m not thinking about the money, I’m thinking about Logan.

I’ve seen Gran a few times, and we’ve talked, but there has been no mention of Logan. A few days ago, Gran asked me to drop off something at his house, and I had to make up an excuse to avoid it.

I’m beyond stressed, and my heart aches so bad. Another thing I have to contend with is Dr. Newl. This morning he cornered me in an empty room and grabbed my arm aggressively. I pulled my arm away and told him I had a boyfriend, which I don’t think he believed. I’m at my breaking point, and I don’t know what to do.

I’m on my way home when Gran calls me. “Hey, Gran,” I mutter softly.

“Bella, honey, I need a huge favor.”

“What is it, Gran?” I ask warily.

“I’m at the doctor’s office, and I’m running a bit late. Can you go to Logan’s house and let Seph out? The poor thing must be ready to explode, and I was in such a hurry that I forgot to unlock her doggy door.”

I swallow hard and am about to make another excuse when Gran continues. “Please, Bella. I’ll be here at least another two hours, and Logan left this morning without telling me how long he’d be gone.”

Taking a deep breath, I reluctantly replied. “Sure, Gran.”

“Thak you, sweetheart. I set up a temporary code to be sent to your phone. You know what to do.”

I disconnect the call and bite my lip with dismay as I gaze down at my phone’s screen. Gran said that Logan would be out, but a part of me can’t help but feel dread in the pit of my stomach. Seph is waiting by the door by the time I get in. Wiping my hands down the hem of my blue shirt dress, I look around the room and find that I’m alone. “Hey, Seph.”

I rub her fluffy ear and step into the kitchen. “Do you want to go out?” I ask. Seph doesn’t rush to the door like I’ve seen her do with Gran. “Come on!” I call out, slapping my thigh and gesturing to the patio doors. But instead of following me, Seph runs up the stairs. “Come on, Seph!” I call out frustrated.

Not seeing any choice, I follow her up the stairs. “Seph!” I call out. “This isn’t funny. Let’s go outside.”

Seph barks and jumps on top of Logan’s bed, completely uncaring of my urgency. Slipping off my slippers, I step on the bed and grab her by the collar. “Come on, let’s go, Seph. Gran asked that I feed you and let you out, so let’s go!” I’m so caught up in trying to get Seph under control that I don’t notice the presence leaning against the bathroom’s doorframe until a husky male voice resounds behind me.

“This is the second time I find you in my bedroom doing something weird.” Jumping in place, I turn and face Logan. His hair is wet from the shower, and his bare chest still has droplets of water sprinkled on it. He looks hot in running shorts that mold to his hips and thighs becomingly.

Stepping down into the floor, I stiffen my spine and reply. “Logan, I-I didn’t think you were home. Gran called me and asked me to take Seph out and feed her because she was going to be in the doctor’s office for the next couple of hours, and she thought you wouldn’t be home until later.” I know that I’m babbling, but I can’t help myself.

Logan moves away from the doorway and snaps his fingers. Seph runs up to him, and obediently sits by his side. “I got here about half an hour ago and made sure that Seph was already fed and walked. I must have missed Mati’s phone call.”

Taking another deep breath, I cross my hands in front of me and say. “Oh, okay, then, I should go.” I’m about to walk out of the door when Logan’s forearm blocks my way. “We should talk.” He mutters close to my ear.

Turning to face him, I bite my lip and retort. “There’s nothing to talk about, Logan. The fact that you’ve been silent since we…” I gesture between us with my hand. “…speaks louder than words.”

Logan’s brow furrows as he gazes intently into my eyes. “You have to understand Bella. I don’t want to hurt you. As good as things where the other night, I don’t have any desire to become involved.” Scoffing at his comment, I raise my chin and give him a withering glare. “Look, Logan, I get it. To be honest, if it weren’t for Gran calling me, I would have never stepped foot inside your home again. So don’t worry about it because I’m leaving now.”

I don’t give him an opportunity to reply as I make my way out of his room. But I can tell that he’s surprised by my response.

“Bella!” Logan calls out, following me down the stairs. My hand stills on the doorknob. I can feel the heat of his body behind my back, but I don’t turn around. What is with us and doors?

“What do you want, Logan?” I mutter huskily. My hair stirs beneath his breath, and my heart pounds loudly in my chest. “What happened to your arm?” He asks.

I look down and gasp in surprise when I see the bruise on my forearm. Dr. Newl must have bruised me when he grabbed me this morning. “I’m fine,” I mutter helplessly. Logan doesn’t reply. Instead, he gently pulls me around to face him. His eyes are honed on the bruise. “Who grabbed you?” He asks me. “And don’t lie to me. I can see that they’re fingerprints.”

I shake my head and pull my arm away from his searching hands. “I don’t have to answer to you, Logan. You’re not my father, my husband, or my boyfriend.”

Logan narrows his eyes pushes me gently against the door. My breath hitches at his nearness. I almost feel like his intense eyes can see through me, but I don’t relent. I’m too angry at him. “Get out of my way Logan. I can’t do this right now. Please, just leave me alone.”

Logan places his hand over my head and rests it on the door. He looks impenetrable and cold. Hiding behind the curtain of my hair, I bite my lip and look past his shoulder. Maybe if I ignore him, he’ll leave me to wallow alone.  However, Logan is not so easily deterred. Instead, he takes my hand, caresses the bruises with the pad of his thumb. “Tell me who hurt you, Bella.”

I lick my lips and shake my head. “What does it matter to you, Logan? I’m nothing to you.” Logan shakes his head, slides his hand down my arm, and rests it on my flat stomach. Goosebumps spread across my skin, and my body heats with desire at his touch. “I know it shouldn’t, but it does matter to me. You matter to me more than you know, Bella.”

I try not to be lured in by his magnetism, but I have no defense for his allure. His touch is like a balm. It’s stupid to feel this attraction, but I can’t help it.

We both remain standing there, gazing into each other’s eyes. The hand on my stomach burns through my dress. Placing my hand on his, I run my thumb across his fingers and lean closer. Logan’s eyes dilate when they focus on my lips.

This time it's not hurried, but a tentative meeting of lips and tongues. Logan c***s his head and pulls me close to his chest. My hands slowly traverse up his naked chest and settle on his collarbone as the kiss deepens. Logan’s hands travel down my back, making me shiver. His chest feels like granite beneath my fingers. As the kiss deepens, I caress every crevice of his muscled body. He groans with every touch and slides his hands down until they circle my thighs, lifting me across the door. Mewling with pleasure, I wrap my legs around his waist and grind my sheathe against his covered c**k.

My hips twist and jerk against him, establishing a blissful rhythm. Clinging tightly to Logan’s neck, I kiss my way down his neck and bite his shoulder gently. Logan groans against my neck and lowers the sleeve of my dress until he bears my naked breast. My panties moisten with cream as each touch of his hard c**k taps against my clit. At this point, we’re both wildly clawing at each other.

My world spins when Logan carries me to the kitchen and settles me on top of the kitchen counter. Logan breaks the kiss and breathlessly looks down at me with a sensual whisper. “I’m going to taste you, Bella.” I don’t argue. All I can do is sit there dazed with passion as he slides my panties down and lifts my dress up to my waist. Logan licks his lips and kisses my n*****s with a murmur. “Oh s**t, you look so soft and smooth.”

I close my eyes when his thumb settles against my naked folds and slides inside until he’s touching my throbbing clit. Biting my lip, I open my legs wider and lean back on the counter. I feel like a seductress lying there spread open as my lover worships me. Logan licks his lips, leans down, and kisses my knees and thighs until he reaches my molten center. Gasping with bliss, I tighten my fists around the countertop, crying out as pleasure washes over me with every swipe of his warm tongue. An electric shock courses up my womb and breasts as my breath leaves my body in erratic pants. “Oh, Logan.” I cry out when he curls his tongue against my hard bud and sucks it gently. Pinching my n****e, I cup my breast and sigh.

Logan grunts and swipes his tongue over my folds again before he slips his tongue inside my sheath. My walls close around his stiff tongue, and my legs quiver. Glancing down, I see that his shorts are down, and he’s stroking his big c**k. The broad tip is swollen, and the shaft is wide. My mouth waters at the thought of licking and sucking him.

Then it happens, my world breaks apart, and my body shudders as wave after wave of ecstasy bursts through my body. My sheath contracts and my stomach flutters with every tightening of my womb.

Groaning with triumph, Logan rises above me and pulls me close for a kiss as he wraps my legs around him and begins to slide his hard c**k inside my needy folds.

The broad tip of his c**k is sliding inside of me when the sound of the door banging shut startles us both out of our pleasurable reverie. Logan instantly slips his shorts back on while I adjust my dress.

“Logan!” A male voice calls out. It’s Phoenix. My feet have barely touched the floor when Phoneix walks into the kitchen. Logan is standing there looking natural. You’d never think he’d just eaten me out a few minutes ago. I, on the other hand, am sure that I look like I’ve been thoroughly ravished. My chest is heaving with my heavy breaths, and my face is flushed. 

“Hey, Logan!” Phoenix calls out as he steps inside the room. His eyes light up as soon as they land on me. His look is speculative, but he doesn’t comment. “Bella? Hey, Bella. It’s been a long time. What are you doing here?”

I wipe my hands on my dress and blush when I realize that I’m not wearing my panties. Why now? Why did Phoenix have to come here now? f**k my life. Smiling politely, I try to discreetly look around for my panties, but I don’t see them anywhere. “Hey, Phoenix,” I mutter tepidly.

Logan clears his throat and signals me with a quiet shake of his head, which puts me on edge. How can he be so calm at a time like this? “Mati sent Bella to finish up a few of her tasks. What are you doing here?” He asks in an even voice.   

Phoenix hands him some paperwork with a questioning expression. “It’s about the case we’ve been working on. I found some information that might interest you.”

Logan nods his head and waves him towards the stairs. “We’ll talk in my office. Just give me a minute to walk Bella out.” Phoenix nods. “Sure thing. Nice seeing you, Bella.” He says with a wave of his hand.

Biting my lip, I wave back and mumble a tepid goodbye. Once Phoenix is gone, I turn to face Logan. “I should go,” I whisper.

Logan rubs his neck and moves closer. I can tell by the look on his face that what he’s about to say is not going to be nice. I should know by now though that Logan can be unpredictable and crass when he wants to be. “Don’t think that I’ve forgotten about your arm just because I got a taste of your sweet p***y. You and I need to talk.”

I shake my head in reply and extend my hand out to him with a commanding glare. “We don’t have anything to talk about Logan. That is unless you’ve changed your mind about relationships.”

Logan clenches his jaw and remains quiet, which tells me everything I need to know. Ugh, why do I even try? “I thought so. Look, Logan, just give me my panties back so I can go.”

Logan doesn't respond for a moment. Instead, he licks his lips and closes his eyes with a pained grunt. “You know you taste really good. Like sweet cream. I keep telling myself to stay away, but I keep f*****g this up. I don’t know what it is about you, Kitten, but you’re beyond tempting. I don’t think that I can continue pretending that there’s nothing more, so we’re going to figure this out.”

My heart stutters. I’m not sure what he means, but everything inside of me tells me that something has changed between us. Yet, I stop myself from hoping. I’ve gotten my hopes up before and look where I’ve ended up. “I can’t go to work without my panties, Logan.” I retort with a snap of my fingers.

Smirking, Logan moves closer and hands me my panties. “What time do you get out of work?”

I shrug my shoulders. “At around five in the morning.” Logan nods. “Okay, I’ll pick you up.” I want to protest, but I don’t. I’m so confused by my feelings, and maybe it’s best if we just hash it out. “Fine,” I mutter softly. Logan’s jaw ticks as I slip my panties back up my thighs and head to the door.

I try not to look at him as I do. I don’t even turn around or say another word. However, as I make my way home, my blood thrums in my veins with anticipation. I’m so excited that I almost forget my money troubles.

I can’t believe what just happened. One moment I was resigned to pretending nothing happened between us, and the next moment Logan has me spread open on his kitchen counter. It was so good too. Jesus, I know that I said I wouldn’t get my hopes up, but here I am. When will I ever learn?

That night, I head to work with stars in my eyes. I feel like I’m floating on a cloud. Once morning comes, I stand outside and wait for Logan. It isn’t until an hour passes without any sign of him that I realize what I fool I’ve been. He never shows up. Humiliated by my stupidity, I head to my apartment and cry in my pillow.

Once my tears have dried, I give myself a pep talk. That day, I promise myself that I will stay away from Logan. I also decided that I need to call Nancy’s friend. Time is running out, and I need money to get through med school.

Nancy’s friend, Rocky, turns out to be a really nice guy over the phone. He breaks down the job and offers me a thousand dollars. All I have to do is show up at a party this weekend, pass out drinks and make conversation while he sells his new movie. I’m so desperate that I agree without hesitation. What? This is Los Angeles. People do things like this all of the time.

A couple of nights later, I head to work feeling better. Unfortunately, my evening at work doesn’t go as I expect.

It’s a little past two in the morning, and I’m about to finish my shifts when Dr. Newl stops me near the exit. Giving the exit doors a longing look, I face Dr. Newl. Why can’t he take a hint?

“Can I give you a ride, Bella?” He asks with a resolute scowl. I can tell that he’s done with my excuses, and he’s not taking no for an answer. Not without repercussions, at least. Gulping loudly, I take a step back and look around in hopes of seeing someone I know. Unfortunately, the hallway is empty. Feeling desperate, I take a step back and walk out of the door. Dr. Newl follows me as if we’re companions and wraps his hand around my arm.

Frightened, I swallow hard and pull my arm out of his grasp. “Look, Dr. Newl. I’m flattered by your attention, but I have a boyfriend. Trust me, you don’t want him to know about your attention.”

Dr. Newl snickers and steps closer. “It’s funny, but you say that you have a boyfriend, and I’ve yet to meet him.”

I swallow hard and take a couple of steps back, hoping to create some space between us, but he reaches for me again.

“It’s the truth,” I mutter desperately. I want so badly to run away, but I feel like a deer caught in the headlights. I’m trapped, and Dr. Newl knows it. I know that if I turn him down, he’ll make my life hell.

“So, where is this boyfriend?” He asks cynically.

To my shock, a familiar male voice answers for me. “He’s right here. Now, who the hell are you and why are you touching Bella?”

Dr. Newl and I turn to face an irate Logan. Sighing with relief, I gaze gratefully into Logan's eyes. He looks like an avenging angel with his dark tousled hair, his rugged beard, and a trademark dark suit.

Without another word, Logan holds his hand out to me, never taking his eyes off Dr. Newl. If I had to compare both men, Logan is bigger, younger, and stronger. All of my anger on hold for the moment, I move into Logan’s arms, wrap an arm around his waist and tuck my head beneath his chin. I know that I shouldn’t let a man define me this way, yet, I feel emboldened by my actions. Placing my hand on Logan’s chest, I make the introductions. “Dr. Newl, this is my boyfriend, Logan.”

Dr. Newl’s eyes narrow into slits. He knows he’s been thwarted, but he’s not giving up without a fight. Slipping a false smile on, he extends his hand towards Logan and says.“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Logan, Bella has been telling me she had a boyfriend for days, but I was wondering if she was making it up.”

Logan ignores his hand and pulls me closer. “Yeah, I’ve been busy working on a case for the past few weeks. I realized that I’ve been neglecting my girl and figured I’d come and get her.”

You can almost see the steam coming out of Dr. Newl’s ears when Logan rejects his overture. “Hm… what do you do for a living?” He asks smugly.

Logan takes out his badge and in the process, gives him a glimpse of his gun holster. “I work for a security company.”

Dr. Newl gulps loudly. “Well, that’s… wonderful. Bella never told me that.” Logan gives him an insincere nod and takes my hand. “Let’s go, Kitten.”

I don’t look back as Logan ushers me to his Mustang. I’m beyond relieved at this point. Now that Dr. Newl has met Logan, I hope he’ll stay away from me. Logan can look very intimidating, and Dr. Newl looked cowed.

It isn’t until we’re half-way to his house that my anger replaces my astonishment.

Turning back to Logan, I adjust my t-shirt and mutter. “You never showed up.” Logan nods without looking away from the windshield. But he doesn’t rejoin or explain his absence, which makes me angrier. “Take me home!” I cry out enraged. But Logan ignores me and continues to drive. “Did you hear me, Logan, I said take me home!”

To my consternation, he turns to me and says, “No.” I know I shouldn’t be surprised by his arrogance, but I am. He can be so damn infuriating. “I’m not joking, Logan. The time for talking passed when you ditched me the other night.”

After a moment, Logan pulls the car over and switches off the ignition. It’s pitch black outside. Gazing around, I can see house lights in the distant hills and the city in the center. Almost as if it’s in the spotlight. From the thickness of the trees and the lights in the distance, I can tell that we’re high up a hill. Logan opens his car door and nudges his chin with a commanding growl. “Come on.” 

Sighing in frustration, I slide out of my seat and meet him in front of the car. Arms crossed, I look off into the distance. I feel lost at that moment. As if I’m in a void, and Logan and I are the only people who exist there. The wind whistles through the trees and tickles my skin, and the sound insects play a symphony of sounds across the landscape. Biting my lip, I look at Logan and whisper. “Thanks for the help back there. Dr. Newl likes me, and I was trying to find a subtle way to turn him down.”

Logan remains stoic as he paces in front of me. After a moment, he stops and faces me. “Is he harassing you? I want you to tell me if he is.”        I swallow the bitterness inside of me and shake my head. I don’t want him to know that Dr. Newl has been aggressive, and I don’t want him getting in a fight with him. It’s better to leave things as they are. I’m sure that now that Dr. Newl has met Logan, he will back off.

“And just when was I supposed to tell you, Logan? When we see each other, you’re either pushing me away or kissing me.” I slide my fingers through a few loose tendrils of hair with a sad smile. “I don’t understand you. I mean, I know you want me and that you feel something for me, but it’s like you hate the idea. You hate that you have any emotions at all.”

Logan places his hands in his pockets and gives me a thoughtful look. “First of all, I didn’t show up the other night because I was caught up at work.” I open my mouth to argue, but before I can, he responds. “And I know that I could have called, but there were a few things I had to work through before we talked.”

Rubbing my hands on my forearms, I bite my lip and whisper. “So, what did you work out? What do you have to say to me?”       

Logan takes a deep breath and straightens his spine before he continues. “I know that I want to have s*x with you, but I also know that I don’t want to be in a relationship. So I have a proposal for you.”

My ears perk up at his serious tone. “Alright, tell me. What is your proposal?” I ask calmly.

“I propose we become hookup buddies. When I want to have s*x, I call you, and you do the same. We don’t tell anyone, especially your grandmother, and we keep our lives as they are. I do, however, ask that you don’t have s*x with anyone else while we’re together.”

He looks so assured by his shitty proposition that I almost laugh. I mean, it would be funny if it wasn’t so depressing. I can’t believe that he’d think so poorly of me that he’d assume I’d be okay with being his f**k toy. Dejection settles in my gut as I choke down my despair. “No,” I reply, calmly. “I don’t know who you think I am, but I’m not man’s plaything. I know that we’ve had some intense moments since we’ve met, but that’s not what I want.”

Logan’s lips tighten at my response. “So what you’re saying is that you won’t sleep with me unless I commit?” He says with a disgusted sneer.

I shake my head. “No, Logan. What I’m saying is that I have a heart, and I have a vision of what I want, and being a man’s f**k buddy is not what I want. I want someone who won’t hide me from the world. I want a man who holds my hand in public and tells me he cares about me. I want to…” I swallow as tears gather in my eyes. “I want to fall in love, and it’s obvious that you’re not that man.”

Logan’s lips curl with revulsion as I speak. “Love? You’re such a child, Bella. There’s no such thing as love. Love is just a tool people use to control each other, and I will never let anyone control me.”

My mouth gapes open at his disdainful word because I know that he truly believes everything he’s saying.

“That’s not true, Logan. Love is when you feel this great emotion for one person. When you put your needs ahead of them and feel like your heart will explode if they’re not near. Love gives you strength and makes you weak. It’s when you feel you’d die to protect that person, but it also means you’d live for them too. It doesn’t mean someone controls you. It means that you found a piece of you that makes you whole again.”

Logan snorts in reply and begins to laugh. It’s not a nice laugh, though. It’s the kind of mocking laughter you hear when someone really wants to hurt you. “That’s such sentimental bullshit. There’s no such thing as love. Trust me, I know. I’ve seen how people use love as a defense to hurt the ones they claim to care about. My mother and father used it as a weapon until they couldn’t take being in each other’s presence anymore. Then, she’d use it against me until I was drowning in guilt. And let’s not forget all of my stepmothers who professed to love my father after they crawled out of my bed.”

I gasp in dismay at his shocking words. He just admitted that he slept with his step-mothers. At that moment, I see what Logan suffered, and it pains me. He’s damaged. He was hurt by the ones who should have protected him. I know now that if I fell in love with Logan, he’d destroy me with his indifference. He’d never see that what I would feel for him would be true and pure. He’d always be wary and see ulterior motives, and I can’t be with someone like that.

Swallowing hard, my lips tremble as I look into his earnest eyes. I realize at that moment that I’m already half in love with him. I don’t know how it happened, but it’s as if something altered inside of me that day at his house. The day he caught me dancing in his bedroom. Taking a ragged breath, I take a step back. “It’s not bullshit, Logan. I know love. I’ve seen love. I saw the love between my parents and how strongly they held each other until the day they died. I saw as my father wiped my mother’s tears and how he’d hold her close when she was sad. I saw how my mother would meet him every day after work so they could walk home together. Gran still holds my grandfather's picture close after having lost him so long ago. What you saw was not love. It was selfish people who didn’t care that there was a little boy who needed them. They didn’t see a lonely young man. They saw someone they could use as a weapon against each other. And if you don’t see the difference, then there’s no hope for you.”

Logan’s expression remains indifferent as he listens to me, bleed for what I lost. I can tell that I’m not getting through him, and I’m too tired to fight it. Striding towards the passenger door, I open it and say. “I think we’re done here, Logan. There’s nothing I can say that will change your mind because you don’t want what I can offer. So please, just take me home.”

Logan doesn’t argue this time. We don’t even talk. It’s as if we’ve both exhausted our reasons. There’s nothing left to say. Once we reach my apartment, the tenuous tether that connected us will be severed.

Logan pulls to a stop in front of the apartment and continues to look out the windshield, ignoring my presence. However, I can tell by the set of his jaw that he's not completely indifferent.

Opening the door, I look back at him. My heart bleeds because I know this is it. The last time we’ll speak or even be in each other’s presence. It’s better this way. Better if I avoid any situation where I’d have to see him.

Leaning forward, I place my hand on his jaw and turn him to face me. His eyes are unreadable as they gaze blankly into mine, but I don’t let it deter me from getting a final kiss. Placing my lips on his, I kiss him gently then pull away. He didn’t return my kiss, but I don’t mind. Maintaining eye contact, I kiss his jaw and whisper in his ear, “You’re a good man, Logan. I hope that someday you find someone who’ll break through your protected heart and make you happy. Goodbye.”

I don’t look back when I step out of the car. Nor when I reach the sidewalk or reach my door. There’s nothing left to say.