Bonds we Break: A Emotional Rockstar Romance

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WHEN THE PERSON you love disappoints you in ways that destroy little pieces of your soul, there is a certain beauty in the way another person picks them up and sews them back together for you. After being broken so many times by loving the wrong person, I learned to let go. Maybe I was hoping when I did, I would hit the ground hard and fast. But on the way down, Cash reached out and caught me.

I fell in love with him in an achingly slow way that started with the heels of my feet grounded to the earth, and crawled its way up until it reached my heart. All of those little broken pieces slowly knitted themselves back together, and it beat in sync with his.

And then I betrayed him.

Forgive me if I hold my breath and silently pray that he never finds out I slept with Jack right before we got married, a mistake I regretted the moment it happened. Jack had a way of getting under my skin and inside my head, leaving destruction in his path. It was hard avoiding him when we were stuck on a tour bus together for months at a time, or locked away in a studio having to write songs together.

Our tour is swiftly coming to an end and I’ll be glad for the reprieve. Cash and I can finally look for a house, start our life together. I love our band and Mogo has been very successful, but we all need time away from each other.

I need the space and room so my marriage to Cash can stand on its own two legs without the weight of the band pushing us down. Most of all, I need time away from Jack.

This is why I stand inside the carriage of the elevator with adrenaline pumping through my body, heightening my senses and arming me with the strength I need to go up against Jack. This is never an easy task, especially with my heart. It has already been shattered into a million pieces and put back together again so many times that I wonder what, if anything, is actually left. Its presence beats against my rib cage, letting me know that it’s still intact - for now.

I didn’t want to tell him the way I did, out of anger, out of necessity to keep him at bay, but he needed to know that Cash and I had secretly gotten married. The ring I wore around my neck would be the barrier between us. Jack is used to getting his way, but not this time. Breaking his heart was a necessary evil that had to be done. The look on his face when I told him was confirmation that I had effectively done my job.

We were supposed to be doing press, but Jack already had an attitude this morning and blew the whole thing up. He stormed out of the elevator like a child.

I’m not innocent in all of this either. In fact, I am the worst kind of person; the type to keep secrets, do anything to avoid actually facing the truth, and hide away inside myself so that no one can find me. Running away from problems was never the answer, but it never stopped me from trying.

I stop the elevator doors from closing and step out into the lobby of the hotel only moments after Jack, but he was already gone. He is unpredictable, and when backed into a corner, he is almost sure to strike. This is why my heart races and my fingernails are chewed down to the nub by the time I reach the airport. I know he’s already boarded the private plane that is taking our band back to L.A., and who knows what damage he’s already done.

When I climb the steps of the private jet, I find Jack in a foul mood and an anxious Cash who looks relieved to see me. I understand the apprehension in his eyes as he greets me. It is difficult to be left behind while I do press with Jack. I can’t blame Cash for being jealous and wary of the time I have to spend with Jack, especially given our history.

Cash does understand, even with our history, that when Jack and I focus on the music, it is the greatest barrier between us. The problems arise when we are outside of the creative bubble. Real-life looms down upon us like a black cloud. I can see those clouds forming now in the stormy depths of Jack’s eyes as they bore into me. A slight shiver runs up my spine and I silently plead for him to give me just this one thing.

“Oh, thank God. Cash was worried.” I can feel the venom in Jack’s voice and I want to punch him in the throat.

Amber dismisses me as usual, and I watch as she runs right for the bar. As much as I hate Jack at this moment, Amber’s actions rub me the wrong way. Jack’s sobriety is not only important for the band but for his family, and Amber doesn’t seem to care. He is already volatile in this moment, and she is oblivious. He is not in the right mind-frame to resist drinking. I did not give up everything to put Jack in rehab for him to just f*****g throw it away.

Because I feel like being an asshole, I decide to speak my mind to Amber. “That’s not helpful,” I say to her.

“Excuse me?” Amber turns and her blue eyes narrow on me.

I can’t remember the last time we were in the same room together, and it didn’t feel like a gathering storm. We have reasons for disliking each other, and the common denominator is Jack. Amber is more vocal about her hatred towards me, though. Perhaps the demise of our friendship was the minute I showed up wearing those jeans with Jack’s handwriting all over them on the night we left for L.A. Jealously is a disease that corrodes you from the inside out. It subtly consumes you, festering over time until it can’t be contained anymore.

Maybe I should keep my mouth shut but I can’t help myself. “It’s just that your husband is an addict, so that,” I point to the drink in Amber’s hand, “is not helpful.”

“Well, I’m not an addict, so I don’t see a problem.” Amber dismisses my warning as if I were a fly on her shoulder. Not wanting to start any more drama, I plop down in my seat.

“How was the interview?” Cash asks as he takes the seat next to me. I don’t want to lie to him, but I don’t want to start an argument either. Nobody knows we’re married, well, besides Jack now. We didn’t want to interrupt the tour with our personal business, and frankly, I don’t like the attention.

It was difficult enough to be on the road in close quarters with everyone, and I just wanted this one thing for myself. My marriage to Cash is something I could fold up inside my heart and keep safe, if only for a little while longer. We’d planned to tell everyone as soon as we got back to L.A. I definitely had not planned on telling Jack the way I did, but at that moment I felt it couldn’t be avoided. Now, I wait for the bomb to drop.

I meet Jack’s gaze from across the plane, and I can visibly see the wheels turning inside his head. His gaze is equal parts dangerous and wounded. This tour is almost over and then I can put some distance between us. For now, we are stuck on this plane.

I don’t get the chance to answer Cash because Wade interrupts my thoughts with a statement. “If I were insecure, I’d be pissed reporters only want to talk to the two of you and not the whole band.” Wade points at Jack and then me, “But, since I’m not,” he says flippantly and takes the seat next to Adam, his boyfriend, and the lead singer of Ruin. I inwardly smile at the sight of the two of them. Wade has never looked more comfortable in his own skin than when he is with Adam. It’s so easy for the two of them. I have never been jealous of anyone, but right now, I am jealous of them.

“Well, you didn’t miss much.” Jack’s voice startles me, answering Cash.

Before he can continue, the pilot’s voice booms over the intercom, announcing we are about to take off so I buckle my seatbelt.

“You didn’t ride back with Jack?” Cash asks, curious.

“No.” I don’t look at him.

“What happened?” There’s concern in his voice even though Cash is well acquainted with Jack being a d**k to reporters.

“Jack being Jack, that’s all. He flaked on the interview.” I pull out a magazine from my bag in an attempt to move on to something else, but Cash is not letting go. Maybe it’s my mood he’s picking up on.

“Why would he do that? Bret’s going to have a hissy fit,” Cash sighs, annoyed.

I wave my hand as if it’s not important. “We got into an argument and he took off.”

“An argument?” I watch as Cash looks across the plane to Jack with a critical eye.

“It was nothing.” The lie slips from my mouth so easily I don’t get a chance to catch it and shove it back inside. Our argument was far from nothing.

“You had to have argued about something significant for him to skip out on the press,” Cash presses and I can’t seem to make myself meet his questioning gaze.

Everything is bubbling inside of me and comes out with an irritated tone that I don’t intend to direct at Cash. “Jack does whatever the f**k he wants. Skipping out on an interview shouldn’t surprise you.”

The minute it’s safe to remove my seatbelt, I pop it open with an audible click and rocket out of my seat, eager to be free. The mini-fridge is full of beverages; bottles of champagne, cans of beer, and seltzer. My eyes roam over the contents and I grab a water bottle instead of what I really want.

I turn back to Cash and follow his gaze across the length of the plane to where Jack stews in his seat, staring at me. My eyes widen in surprise and I’m momentarily caught like a fly in a spider’s web. His eyes are intense, like blue flames. No doubt Cash sees this. We all know each other too well. It’s nearly impossible to hide anything. That’s the problem with being stuck together 24/7 while touring.

You can’t escape each other, and it’s nearly impossible to hide anything from each other.

The air is stagnant and I feel claustrophobic in this plane. I don’t dare look at Cash because I already know what he’s thinking. I can feel it in the air like static electricity. This push and pull between Jack and Cash is wearing me down. It’s already uncomfortable to work and live as a band, but the tension between all of us is giving me anxiety. The waistband of my jeans hangs low on my hips and I reach to pull them up once again. I know I’ve lost weight recently, which isn’t all that concerning because that usually happens while I’m on tour. It’s my mental state that is concerning. All the partying, the drugs, and the s**t-ton of angst pulls the wind from my sails, leaving me flailing.

I can feel Cash’s presence next to me even before he speaks. “You told him, didn’t you?” It’s the hurt that breaks me apart.

Defeated, I hang my head and that’s all the confirmation he needs.

“We were supposed to tell everyone together.” Cash’s voice is louder than I’m sure he intends.

“Oh, yes, I know your little secret,” Jack says from across the plane, sitting in his seat with his ankle casually resting on his opposite knee. His face is devastatingly handsome, even with the days-old stubble, but it is those critical blue eyes that study my reaction, going from beautiful to something deeply ugly. He can be cruel sometimes, but I’ve always excused it knowing it stems from vulnerability. I’d blindsided him with my confession of being married, and I did it maliciously. Now he’s lashing out.

“What secret is he talking about?” Wade’s innocent question cuts the tension as he looks from me to Jack.

“Ooh, secrets.” Adam claps his hands together dramatically, and I could kick him right now.

Amber stands up, drink in hand. “Are you talking about these two getting married?” she says matter-of-factly. I bring my hand to my forehead to hide from the firestorm I know will happen at any moment.

“How did you know?” Jack asks Amber quizzically.

“I talked to my sister a few days ago,” she explains, as if Jack is dumb, but I’m sure it’s because those two don’t communicate at all. “Mia’s Dad called my mom, and then my mom talked to…” she tries to explain but Jack cuts her off.

“I get it, I get it,” he sputters angrily.

I haven’t talked to my parents in a while, aside from the occasional holiday calls that are mostly superficial greetings and awkward silences. When the band became more successful, I think they finally understood what all the struggle had led to. I still threw my life away according to them, but at least I was making money at it. I had finally proved to them that I was able to make a living out of writing songs. When Cash and I got married, I didn’t want to keep it from them and used it as a way to reconnect. Again, I underestimated my mom and she was angry all over again that I hadn’t let her give me a wedding, and made me feel guilty because she wasn’t present.

“You didn’t think to say anything to me?” Jack addresses Amber, his eyes telling far more than I’m sure he intended. Even though Amber isn’t facing me, I can almost feel her eyes narrow.

“I thought you already knew.” Amber crosses her arms over her chest, which is a clear sign that things are starting to go south. “Why is this such a big deal? Cash has been salivating over Mia for years now.”

I inwardly groan. Amber is never subtle, and she loves to cause trouble between all of us.

“You got married?” Wade pops up from his seat, looking at both Cash and me with his oblivious innocence to the storm that is gathering.

As if on cue, Adam says, “Just so I got this right, Jack and Mia were together, right?” He looks at Wade for reassurance. “Then Jack married Amber.” He places his finger on his chin, “Now Cash and Mia are married?” Wade was giving Adam daggers with his eyes, and when Adam returns a wide-eyed, innocent crook of his mouth, Wade just shrugs in defeat. No one can argue with Adam’s logic. It is true, which makes me cringe even more. Adam is new to this f****d up family of ours, but he’s not oblivious. He’s also no stranger to f****d up band behavior.

Clearly, Adam doesn’t know when to stop when he finishes with, “This is starting to get a little Fleetwood Mac.”

Jack disregards Adam and asks, “When?”

This shouldn’t be a big deal, but somehow it has become an issue the size of the Grand Canyon. I’m trapped on a plane with too much testosterone. No wonder I’m weary.

“A couple months ago, when we had a week off after that long stretch of touring,” I explain, knowing exactly what to avoid saying. I don’t want to admit to myself or to anyone that I had rushed it because of what happened between Jack and me in New Orleans. There was no doubt in my mind that I loved Cash. Being married young wasn’t an issue. My bones felt ancient, as though I’d lived a hundred lives before I even turned twenty-five.

I’ve known Cash almost my whole life. We were either classmates or bandmates, but we were always friends. When we are alone together, it’s as if he calms the storm that is inside of me.

“Why didn’t you tell anyone? We would have been there with you,” Wade says, obviously hurt that two of his best friends hadn’t included him on a day that was supposed to be special.

I think back to that day, the nervousness I felt, only because getting married had been built up in my mind. My mom had filled my head with the idea that it was supposed to be this monumental day full of prepping with makeup and a huge puffy sleeved wedding dress, making sure the flowers were arranged just so, and each guest had a little bag of candied almonds.

That wasn’t me. I didn’t have a white dress, not that I had any business wearing one. Instead, I found a black halter top, pairing it with a black leather jacket, a long white skirt, and my combat boots. I didn’t fuss over my hair, and instead, brushed it out nice, letting the waves fall over my shoulders, the way I knew Cash liked it.

My heart fluttered thinking back to seeing Cash for the first time on that day. He emerged from the hotel bathroom wearing an actual f*****g suit, except he had his Van’s on because he didn’t have time to pick up a pair of dress shoes. The way his hand felt sweaty in the palm of my own gave me permission to be nervous too.

We arrived at the courthouse together, the court reporter our only witness, signed paperwork, and said our vows to each other. There was no chaotic schedule, no screaming fans, and my head felt clear for the first time that year. It was easily one of the best days I’d had in a very long time. The sun kissed my forehead that day, but it was nothing compared to the way Cash kissed me when the judge declared us legally man and wife. He’d claimed me, turned my insides to liquid with a promise to love me for better or worse. It was our secret, something I wanted to hold safe in the back pocket of my jeans for as long as I could.

Now, our secret was no longer safe.

“It was sudden. We decided to do it at the last minute while we had the free time.” I feel as though I have to defend my decision, as if these lunatics had anything to say about it. The plane ride is starting to get bumpy. I f*****g hate planes. Give me a bus any day of the week.

“You’re pregnant!” Amber’s sudden declaration catches me off guard; as if that is the only reason I would get married. I force myself not to lunge at her.

“No!” The absurdity!

“It’s not that sudden. We’ve known each other since high school and it just,” Cash pauses to give me an encouraging look, “felt right.” It felt so right.

“Whose idea was it?” Oh for f**k’s sake. I sigh at Jack’s irritating question. I know where this is going.

“We were going to tell everyone once we got back to L.A., have a party or something,” Cash says, deflecting the question.

“Interesting,” Amber says as Jack falls back into his seat as if someone pushed him. The plane begins to shift, causing me to grab onto the back of my seat to steady myself. The Fasten Your Seatbelt sign flashes ominously again. My stomach was uneasy before the plane takes a dip, but now it feels like it’s traveling up into my throat. I take my seat, flashing a nervous look to Cash as I buckle my seatbelt. I can feel the tension on the plane like a thick blanket of air cutting off my oxygen supply. I know how volatile Jack can be, and this private jet is not big enough to contain the combustion I know is coming.

“Why is that interesting?” I watch as Amber turns to Jack.

“Just is,” Jack says in a flippant tone I know is nothing but flippant.

I don’t want to eavesdrop, but Amber is not even trying to be quiet. I focus my attention on Wade and Adam who are enthusiastically congratulating Cash and me. It’s nice to have friends who can actually be happy for us.

“I really wish I could have been there,” Wade smiles sadly.

“Yes, I love weddings.” Adam gives me one of his megawatt smiles.

“We’ll have a party once we get settled,” Cash says excitedly, placing a hand on my knee. I slowly move my fingers underneath his and intertwine them. I need to feel the connection between us, now more than ever.

“Don’t let this one plan it, though.” Wade points towards me and I know exactly what he is referring to.

“I’ve already apologized for the last three years,” I reply as I roll my eyes. He will never let me forget it.

“What?” Adam looks quizzically between Wade and me, always eager for a juicy story.

“This one hired strippers.” Wade gives me a pointed look.

“Female strippers?” Adam scrunches his nose in disgust.

“Oh no, she got me male strippers.” Wade looks at me pointedly.

“Well, what the f**k is wrong with that?” Adam asks. “You’re no prude.” He raises his eyebrows suggestively.

“Well, it wouldn’t have been an issue except that my parents came to town for my birthday.”

Cash chuckles and I swat him. “I didn’t know your parents would be there!” I respond, raising my hands in frustration.

Adam tries to choke back laughter for my sake. Our lighthearted conversation is interrupted by Jack and Amber’s escalated conversation.

“You don’t find this insane?” Jack’s voice is loud, drawing my attention.

“We got married,” Amber spits, c*****g her head to the side in a challenge.

“That’s because…” Jack starts to say.

“You knocked me up?” Amber finishes for him accusatorially.

Adam makes a low noise in the back of his throat and turns away from them. There is a s**t storm about to happen, and there is nowhere to hide.