Unholy Yearning: Sinful Natures 2

2. Levi

2

LEVI

Made it here safe & sound, I texted my mom the second I parked into my new apartment complex’s lot. Not that she cared. They hadn’t supported my love of all things numbers and geeking over becoming an accountant because they thought I should’ve gone into ministry.

No card, no appearance at the ceremony Friday night. Not even a phone call to congratulate me on graduating with high honors.

Mom: Okay

I waited, wondering if she’d say anything more—like invite me over for dinner. We hadn’t seen each other since I’d returned to Philadelphia for spring break, and we’d spoken on the phone once since then—when Dad had been looking for the screwdriver I’d used and forgot to put back where it belonged.

I’d never been a priority. Their first and only love was Simply Grace Church and Pastor Welker, and when I decided on a different future than they wanted for me, I got called my least favorite word.

Disappointment.

So much for that grace and mercy Pastor Welker preached from the pulpit.

The apartment I would live in alone until my wedding night lay a half hour away from the church I expected Lil and I would continue to visit on a regular basis after marrying. That left us a solid twenty from both of our parents—fine by me.

I looked forward to being my own man.

To breathe.

To make choices not influenced by the church, the pastor, the Christian college I’d attended, or parents who insisted on seeking out God’s will in every aspect of daily living.

The freedom to marry the one person who had always accepted me regardless of my awkward social abilities and insecurities.

Lil had been the person to defend me back in sixth grade when I got called a fag for ogling a boy in our class. She’d told me to ignore the liars who she said were just jealous of how smart I was. Still, I’d never told her my secret. I found boys attractive and always had, but I guarded my truth since liking boys was a sin.

She’d become my girlfriend not long after sticking up for me, and we had been together ever since. Middle school sweethearts—the good girl and the secretly closeted-for-life gay boy.

But I loved her dearly, enough that things…well, worked as God intended between a man and woman.

Or maybe it was the thrill of doing wrong that got me hard enough to make love to her on the two times we’d transgressed. Not that I’d truly enjoyed it.

My heart sped as I sat in my old Honda in front of our first-floor apartment door at the thought of having another chance. A quick glance around didn’t reveal her car, and a knock on the locked door left me standing under the overcast afternoon sky, my scuffed-up duffle bag in hand.

Alone.

I pulled my cell from my back pocket and put through a call.

She didn’t answer.

Lil had only let me down once before, with something less trivial than not meeting me after being away from each other for a few months, but she knew such actions triggered my insecurities.

“What the hell, Lil?” I muttered, touching the screen to call again, praying nothing had happened to her. What would I do without her? She’d become my other half, as familiar as the air I needed to survive—

“Hey, boo!” she answered, breathless and laughing. “I’m so sorry! Mom, Sabrina, and I are still at the mall’s bridal store. Time got away from us.”

My heart went heavy in my chest.

Same as a few other times, I wondered if Lil looked forward to the wedding and freedom more than she did actually marrying her best friend.

I smiled because I ought to even though she couldn’t see me. “That’s okay. I can just go hang at my parents’ house until you’re done.”

The thought made me want to puke.

“I left a key under the fake rock there on the right.” Lil’s voice muffled like she continued trying on gowns while speaking to me—almost as though I wasn’t worthy of her time.

My eyes stung.

I glanced over to find a clearly fake rock on the stoop. A little obvious, but when had Lil ever been anything but? “Found it,” I told her, bending to retrieve the plastic key holder.

“Make yourself at home. I’ll be there in a few.”

I forced another smile, pushing against the emotional letdown sagging my shoulders. “Okay. I can’t wait to see you.”

“Love you, boo.” Her reminder didn’t lighten the heaviness in my heart.

“Love you too, Lil.”

A slow sigh released from my lungs as I shoved my cell back in my pocket and let myself into my new home.

The living room greeted me with the secondhand furniture she and Sabrina had shopped for: one decent couch, a coffee table, and two end tables. We didn’t have a TV, but my parents had an extra in the basement I expected I could pilfer.

I set my bag on the entryway’s tile that appeared new, dragging lemon-scented cleaning products into my lungs. A hint of vanilla lay beneath, and my lips curved upward on their own, reminding me of all the good, of the blessings in my life I didn’t deserve.

Nothing smelled better than my Lil slathered in her favorite vanilla bean lotion.

Well, one thing had months earlier when I’d made the biggest mistake of my life…but I couldn’t think about that night.

Doing so left my groin and chest aching in a way far beyond disappointment, drawing depression over me like a smothering shroud.

Lil and I hadn’t been engaged at the time, but I still felt as though I’d cheated on her. One kiss with a man at the concert I’d snuck out from my strict dorm room to attend had ingrained the truth of my nature in the deepest parts of me.

The parts I’d wanted to lay at the man’s feet, beg him to fill…

Just stop.

Swallowing hard, I focused on the present, my future with Lil whose acceptance and affection would have to be enough.

Teeth clenched, I thanked God for gifting me something else to give my attention to rather than the memories of where I’d felt alive for the first time in my life. With quick strides, I checked out the rest of our apartment. A single bedroom crowded with the queen-sized bed Lil’s parents had bought for us as an early wedding present, a tiny kitchen, and an even smaller bathroom made up the whole of our new space. Two dressers were stuffed in at the foot of the bed, both of which I expected Lil would claim once we married in early September.

But in the meantime, the place was all mine for the next three months, two weeks, and six days.

It took less than a half-hour to unpack all my belongings from my car. Meager, mostly cast-off items and second-hand store clothing filled the boxes and bins.

My parents never had much money, but they made sure to tithe no matter if it left us with dented cans of soup and Saltines for dinner.

God first, church second had been ingrained in my head for as long as I could remember.

And their only son? A gift from God, they’d called me, but not enough of a blessing to be a priority like I was to Lil who reminded me all the time how much I meant to her.

I glanced at my watch.

Well, most of the time.

My lips thinned over her taking so long to come see me.

I put all of my clothes into one dresser while waiting for her to show up. Reassembled my rickety computer desk in a corner of the living room to create an office of sorts. We didn’t yet have internet, so I used my cell to check out local listings.

Landing a job was my number one priority. Without it, I couldn’t support my soon-to-be wife.

An hour later, I realized my stomach growled, but the kitchen cabinets were bare except for six plates, matching glasses, and flatware. A box of old pots and pans sat in the corner, and I rifled through the items, hoping like hell Lil had plans to get more stuff for cooking.

I’d bought Lil a pack of the Andes mints she adored, and they called to me from the table where I’d left them.

Instead of digging into her gift, I decided to use the last five bucks I had on me to grab a couple of cheeseburgers and large fry at the McDonalds around the corner. I headed back to our apartment, warm bag in hand, and the door stood open when I returned.

My smile appeared as I heard Lil calling out my name. Only an hour and twenty-three minutes late. I ran the last couple of steps anyway and stopped in the entryway as she exited the bedroom, our gazes catching.

“Hey,” I breathed out, my heart rate picking up pace at her beautiful smile and dark, twinkling eyes.

She squealed and launched herself at me, slamming into me hard enough I stumbled back against the door. Her soft lips landed on mine, tasting like chocolate mint, and I waited for more than a sense of comfort to hit me with the same force her tiny body had.

Nothing swept through me like that night in Nashville.

No jolt to my d**k, no insane craving for more…or to settle between her slender thighs.

Still, I kissed her hungry mouth, being so bold as to drop my bagged dinner and grab her backside. At five-ten and a half, holding her slight body was no hardship. With the first flick of her tongue along mine, my d**k woke up a bit, enough to take interest, and I groaned.

“Missed you,” she whispered against my lips. “So damn much.”

“Same.”

“Thanks for the Andes.”

“Of course.”

She pulled back, her pupils widened and her breath thready as she slid her hands over the sides of my shortly clipped hair to lace her fingers behind my head. “Guess what?” Her eyes shone with more than just happiness over seeing me.

“What?”

“I found my dress!” She squealed again, jiggling in my arms, and I tightened my grip to keep her from falling.

Her excitement affected me like it always did, and I found myself grinning. Things were going well, the wedding plans smooth from what I’d heard. No bumps in the road, no struggles to hinder our moving forward.

Lil’s eyes grew hooded while peering at my lips. “Mom’s not here.”

My girl was obvious, as always.

“Sabrina?” I asked, my semi swelling enough I felt sure I would be able to perform.

“Nope.” Lil popped the P, and I set her onto her feet.

She grabbed my hand and tugged me toward the bedroom.

We didn’t speak another word, but we rarely needed to. After being boyfriend and girlfriend for most of our lives, communicating without a sound came naturally. Like an old married couple gone gray together.

The last time we’d had s*x was over spring break in the back seat of my car and had been a complete failure for me. And the one before that had been our first on the night of our engagement which had ended good for both of us on her parents’ living room floor, long after they’d gone to bed.

Originally we had talked about waiting for our wedding night, remaining pure in the eyes of God, but my girl was persuasive. Voracious too, I’d learned. s*x was all she’d talked about since spring break when we went our separate ways to finish up college. Every phone call centered on s*x once we got caught up, and one night, she’d even gone so far as to tell me her shameful fantasy.

Lil’s cousin from California had been in a threesome—and her boy-crazed head had latched on with a strong hold, giving her a fantasy she often thought about. And talked about.

I’d been horrified by her admission, my insecurities rising up like a killer whale after a poor, hopeless seal.

But I had a secret one of my own.

Swallowing my hurt hadn’t come easy, but I’d managed to assure her I loved her regardless while fearing I would never be enough.

To make matters worse, when we FaceTimed Lil wanted to talk dirty and see each other get off. If she knew what it took for me to ejaculate over my abs while she watched on her cell, she would be horrified. Call me names—a cheater, a liar.

Damnit. Focus on pleasing the love of your life, you jerk.

I pulled back our comforter before laying her down on the bed, unable to hold her gaze due to the twisting of my stomach.

Completely naked, skin covered with goosebumps, Lil held out her hand to me. I shoved off my jeans and stretched out on top of her, careful to keep my weight from her. My chubbed d**k rested between her thighs, and the wet heat of her core gliding along the back of my length while kissing her eventually made me hard enough to get the job done.

She’d gone on the pill a few months earlier, so I didn’t waste any time since who the heck knew how long my d**k would stay erect. Our mouths came together again, and I swallowed her whimper as I sank into her body.

Tight. So tight—wet enough her body took my length without resistance like our first night together.

Better every time…

But not quite enough. Something lacked between us—or rather, lay between us.

My old sinful nature, my shame, that I couldn’t ignore no matter how hard I tried to tell myself I wasn’t trapped in our engagement, that God had gifted me so much more than I deserved.

I struggled to stay hard with every withdraw and thrust. The fight to focus on how we fit together thankfully took my mind off him, even though lingering on the memory of his hands on my body would’ve made me capable of satisfying her completely, in a way we both would’ve enjoyed.

She slid a hand between us, and I lifted up in a plank to watch Lil get herself off. Perhaps once I learned more of her body, her needs, our s*x life would become fulfilling in the way I hoped and prayed for.

Like it would be with him.

My erection flagged as the unwanted thought warred with the whispers of guilt in the back of my head.

“Don’t stop,” Lil whispered, and I clenched my jaw, eyes closed and brow furrowed in determination to give her what she wanted. “Yes…Levi…please…”

I humped against her with my semi like a damn dog, thinking it would help my situation.

At least it did hers. Lil’s insides clamped around my flagging erection, pulsing with every breathless whine filling our bedroom as she came around me.

Hopeless in chasing my own o****m, I slowed and eventually stopped once she quieted and went lax beneath me.

“You didn’t come again.”

I hated the pity in her eyes and quickly climbed off her, my flaccid d**k wetly smacking against my thigh.

“I’m sorry,” I muttered, shifting to perch on the edge of the bed, my head in my hands.

She trailed her fingertips down my spine while sitting beside me. “It’s okay. I’m sure once we’re married and you don’t feel bad about the whole premarital s*x thing, we’ll be fine.”

Fine. Not great, certainly not passionate or consuming, like I’d dreamed about.

“You’re probably right.” I entwined my fingers through hers, forcing a smile.

Lil tilted her head onto my shoulder. “Dad set us up with the new counselor at church. Maybe we can talk to him about it.”

We’d agreed to the premarital counseling her parents cared enough about to encourage—mine couldn’t be bothered with our wedding plans—but the thought of sitting beneath Pastor Jameson’s watery, drooping eyes hadn’t sounded appealing at the time.

“New counselor?” I asked, excited for that at least.

“The one hired right before we got engaged. Zeke Sipe. I met him after church this morning. He’s young for a marriage counselor, but Dad said he’s certified and more than capable from what other couples in the church have said. You’re going to like him.”

“Okay.” I agreed same as I usually did with whatever Lil suggested.

She squeezed me tight, her breath hot against my ear. “You’re a good man, Levi.”

The same thing she’d said the last time I couldn’t perform that night in the back of my car. I’d blamed the location, the lack of comfort.

If only she knew the truth.

I kept my lips clamped shut, knowing I would never find another woman who would love me like she did, who’d accept me wholly. Revealing the sin I had committed would definitely rip us apart.

“He’s easy on the eyes,” she murmured.

“Who?” I asked, clasping my hand over hers trailing across my chest.

“The young counselor.”

I chuckled, shaking my head. “You think every guy under thirty is hot.”

“No, seriously. Zeke is…I don’t have the words for what he is, but you’ll see. We’re meeting him Thursday at four.”

I pulled back a bit and kissed her forehead. “Should I feel threatened by this Zeke?” I asked with a joking tone, same as I always did whenever my girl talked about other guys—something she’d done since day one, something that hadn’t ever bothered me one bit.

Because I could thoroughly understand the draw to men.

She gave me a quick kiss. “Of course not, boo. You know I love you most.”

“Mmm hmm,” I offered with an exaggerated tone while smiling.

“Was that McDonalds you had? And did you get me anything?”

“I only had five bucks.”

Lil let out a sigh and snuggled against me again. “I’ll have some extra money this month after getting our internet set up, and you know my mom. She would feed you every night if you showed up on our doorstep like a lost puppy. But if it’s that bad, I’m sure Dad would help you out since your parents can’t.”

I shifted on the mattress, grimacing. While I hated her family supporting me until I found a job, I didn’t have much of a choice.

“Thank you,” I choked out, hating how easily my emotions got the best of me. Lily Astbury certainly wasn’t getting a strong, confident man for a husband.

Letting her down had become my greatest fear, and the secret shame of having done so without her knowing twisted my insides.

“Want to share my cheeseburgers and fries?” I asked, pushing from the bed in an attempt to soothe the sudden restlessness inside me.

“Sure.”

“In three months, we’ll be married,” Lil said once we sat clothed at our small table, her contentment and happiness not having its usual effect on me. “I’ll be working at the church’s school, and you’ll be buried in a mountain of numbers and paperwork I’ll have to drag you away from.” She squeezed my hand tight with her promise.

I wished I had her positive outlook, but doubt sent a shiver snaking down my spine.