Beyond Repair

Chapter 16 - Max

When I woke up my head was so fuzzy. I couldn’t remember how much I had drank but it must have been more than usual. The last time I had felt so rough was a dodgy night with the lads after the Milan match. I touched my hand tentatively to my temple before moving it to rub at my eyes. They felt so sore and dry.

As my vision started to clear, I took in my surroundings. The large windows letting in too much light, the pale blue blanket draped over me and the telltale smell of too much disinfectant. Slowly it all started to come back to me.

Panic suddenly overtook the confusion and I bolted upright looking all around me. She was there. She was the last thing I remembered. Well, the last part of reality I remembered anyway. I shook my head as the memory of the flashback came back to me. It was a dangerous thing, the mind. If I let it tiptoe down that path of memories again, then it would be charging back into the abyss in no time at all.

I had learnt to cope. I had learnt how to deal with the issues. Focusing on happy thoughts. Strong, happy thoughts. Clara.

It was a change of pace. Usually it was past games, that feeling of winning and hearing the crowd cheer my name as I scored. The trouble with those memories were that Terri always popped into them at some point. That often then felt like another battle to not let her lead me down that path.

Clara was different. Untainted by loss. Innocence and new beginnings. The image of her on the day we met flashed into my mind. The embodiment of sunshine which had felt at the time like an assault on my senses, suddenly seemed like perfection. Seeing her gliding down the aisles of the supermarket as I let my mind wander into that sunshine. The smile of pure joy and contentment on her face.

Then my mind took a slight naughty detour. The curve of her backside, her naked skin draped in my shirt. All the things that I could happily do with her. I was still imagining her in my shower, the water flowing down the perfectly delectable skin of hers when there was a knock at the door. “Yes!” Snapping a little too much given my environment. Reluctantly letting Clara fade from my mind as I focused on Gerry.

“Feeling better?”

“Not really.” It was a ridiculous statement. Of course I was feeling better, but instead of saying so I behaved like a petulant child who had their favourite toy taken from them. Oh, if only she was my toy, I would happily play with her all day. Taking my time devouring what was mine.

Gerry gave me a pointed look, but continued. “Have you been taking the paroxetine?”

I looked away and gazed out of the window. Anything was better than having to see the disappointment on his face. It wasn’t like he didn’t already know the answer. “You know I don’t like taking pills.”

“Yes, I do, but that wasn’t my first choice. You refused everything else, Max. You refused CBT and EMDR. Medication is never the first choice for PTSD, you know that.” He clucked his tongue at me and it reminded me that we were more than patient and doctor.

“It was too hard to relive it all.”

“I know, but the medication was only ever meant to give you the space to be able to face your demons. Although, that only works if you actually take the medication.”

“I’ve been fine without it Gerry. Other than the nightmares, I’ve been fine. What happened today was a one off.” I wasn’t sure who I was trying to convince more, him or me. Either way it wasn’t working.

Gerry placed his hand on my upper arm and I finally turned to look at him. “Max, you have to stop blaming yourself. You are not free of the symptoms, you are hiding from them. Do you not think that I know you rarely leave the house, that you have isolated yourself from the world, from your friends.”

I smiled at him. He was a good man and a good friend. “I’ve actually been doing better. I went to the shops and I had the lads round last night. Do you think that’s why it happened today?”

“I’m glad to hear it. It is possible that between the tight space and you starting to open up again, it could have opened you up to the flashbacks again. If you want to make progress, to get back to your old life then you need to seriously consider treatment and I don’t mean more pills.” He took a long breath and I knew he was getting ready to get shot down again. “I really think you would benefit from eye movement desensitisation could really help you come to terms with everything and help manage the episodes.”

“Alright, Gerry. I’ll give it a go.” I don’t know who was more surprised him or me. I hadn’t planned to agree. It just seemed to slip out.

Gerry hid his shock and his triumph well. “I will go now and see if they can squeeze you in for your first session.”

He headed toward the door at speed, only pausing when I spoke. “What’s the hurry?”

“I am not taking the chance that you will change your mind.” With that he was gone. As the door moved freely on its own from the force of Gerry leaving, I saw her.

She was just sat there outside of the room with her head in her hands. I knew it was a lot. The idea that she had seen me in that state made me feel so remorseful. After everything she had already been through I had just added to it. I wanted to shout her, to let her know that I had seen her, but she needed time and all I could do was give it to her.