Beyond Repair

Chapter 18 - Max

s**t! What the hell was I thinking? Well, I didn’t, that was the problem. I wanted to blame the sedatives. The aftereffects were still lingering and they had left me not thinking through my actions. In reality the sedatives had nothing to do with it, it was her. She was intoxicating. The way she spoke, the things she said, I was screwed and not in a good way.

I couldn’t pinpoint it, but she tasted like sunshine. Bright, warm and sweet. I desperately wanted to taste her again and my mind drifted to all the places of her I wanted to taste, but I couldn’t. I had to snap out of it. She was off limits for so many reasons and always would be.

I knew her dream was to work for the team and if we were together then Dickie would never let it happen. There were strict rules about relations between team members. When she started on the medical side of the team that would include her. I could argue that I wasn’t part of the team anymore, but Dickie would never accept that. He was too convinced that being back working with team would be the answer to fixing me.

Knowing all of that I couldn’t even consider pursuing her. It would end up in her having to choose between me and the dream she had chased for years. She played down how much it meant to her, but enough comments had slipped through for me know the significance it had for her. I wouldn’t put her in that position.

Clara wasn’t the only reason it was so wrong for me to kiss her, but I was shocked that she was the primary reason. I had considered moving on after what happened to Terri, but the guilt had always eaten me up the second I considered it. Terri was always on my mind, there was no denying that. She seemed to haunt me more with every day that passed. Yet when my brain started to race with all the reasons why kissing Clara had been a f**k up, Terri was the last reason that came into my mind.

Nevertheless, I still felt like it would be a betrayal. After everything Terri did for me, after all the moments we shared, she deserved more loyalty. Had she not died, I had no doubt that I would have stayed loyal to her till the day I died. I just didn’t see how her death changed that. She was mine. My one and only. That didn’t change because of the accident.

Being with someone else would be a dishonour to her memory and I couldn’t do that. Terri and I only really had each other. We both grew up in less than nurturing households. We only had each other to turn to. I would be surprised if her mum could even remember who she was through her drunken haze. I had spoken to her after the accident and she had blamed the state I had found her in on her grief. Except, she has been drunk pretty much her entire adult life so she could hardly blame the loss of Terri. Instead, that loss should have spurred her on to do better for Terri’s little brother.

I had offered to help James out after Terri’s death. To set up a trust fund for him because he was still only a young teen back then. Instead he blamed me for the death of his sister and refused any help. I couldn’t blame him. Terri was the only person who really cared about his wellbeing and he was right, it was my fault. I had left him as alone in the world as me and Terri had felt.

It was almost as though the circumstances made it so I couldn’t move on. I was scared of the day when I thought about Terri less. If I didn’t think about her then who would? I couldn’t bear the idea of no one remembering her, as though it would mean she never existed in the first place. No, I had to keep her alive, I had to be loyal to her.

Which left me laid in that bed full of guilt and having to pretend I felt nothing instead. I had to block out the thoughts of Clara it was the only way. It was best for everyone.