Behind Drawn Curtains

Chapter 21

“E.J. Please… Think about this,” Chris said from the bed.

“I’ve made up my mind,” I answered as I pushed some more clothing into the bag I was trying to pack.

“But what about us?” I could hear in his voice he was close to tears.

“What about us?” It wasn’t like I didn’t know what was on his mind, but at this stage I could not think about it.

“We. Us. You’re my boyfriend. How on earth are we going to be together if you’re on the other side of the country?” Chris asked again. He stood up from the bed. I was half expecting him to walk out of the room, but instead he joined me on the ground. Just as I was putting my favorite red sweater in the bag he took my hand, forcing me to stop what I was doing and look at him.

“Pleas Chris… I can’t talk about this right now.”

“Just hear me out okay?” Chris pleaded. His voice broke with every word, but he seemed to keep himself together.

“Okay.”

“You want to be with me right?” Chris asked.

“Yeah.”

I looked past him. There was no way I could look him in the eye and tell him yet another lie. There had been too many lies between us. I didn’t lie about loving him, but I didn’t love him as a boyfriend. I loved him as a friend. As someone who was keeping me safe. That was it.

“Well why don’t we go together? Just run away. In two years we will both be able to get married. We can build a new life together. I can get away from my drunken mother. You can get away from James. We can start a wonderful life together.”

There was a gleam in Chris’ eyes. He wasn’t pleading anymore. He was trying to strike a bargain. One that he believed with all his heart could work.

“No,” I said and pulled my hand out of his.

“But you said you wanted to be with me!” Chris suddenly screamed as he jumped up, towering above me, making me think way too much of James.

“We are kids! We can’t get married! You need to finish school! What kind of future do you want for yourself? Are you just going to throw it all away?”

I didn’t know I was standing and raising my voice so loudly until I realized that I was looking him straight in the eyes at his level.

“I am seventeen! I’m almost an adult!” Chris cried out.

“Well, you are acting like a child!” I screamed back.

“Why don’t you just admit that you don’t love me?!”

“I don’t f*****g love you!”

Chris gave a sharp intake of breath as if he was in pain. I felt like I had stabbed him in the heart with a dagger.

“I didn’t mean it,” I said. I really didn’t. I did love him. Just not the way he wanted me too.

“You meant every word,” Chris answered back.

“No I didn’t. I’m sorry Chris,” I said and stepped closer, hoping somehow that a hug would maybe make everything better.

“No.” Chris turned his back to me. Maybe he was trying to hide his tears, or maybe he was trying his best not to hit me in the face, which I was pretty sure he wanted to do at this moment.

“Look… I don’t want you to leave school okay? What about I go and get a place together. You stay here and finish your year. Come find me after graduation.”

The truth was that I didn’t intend for him to ever find me. I had no intention for anybody I had ever known to ever find me again. Chris would always be a part of my life here. He would always connect me with where I come from, and that would also mean connected me to James. The one thing I did not want in my life.

“How are you going to stay alive without me?” Chris asked. I could not see his face but I could feel the cold shoulder he was giving me.

“I’m going to find a place to live. I’ve got money. It will last until I can get a job.”

“Then why can’t I go with you now?”

“Because we need to think about the future. Finish school Chris. Then you can come. It would be better that way and we will have a much better future.” I put my hand on his shoulder, hoping that some physical touch would unwind him so that he could actually think logical.

“You’ve thought about this a lot, hey?” Chris said as he turned around, catching my eyes in his. I could see the tears still on the surface but somehow he managed to keep it in.

“Yeah. It’s all I’ve been thinking about.”

“And I will meet up with you after graduation?”

“Yes.” It was firm, but it got my message through.

“God, I love you. Even when your life is falling apart you are still looking out for me,” Chris said as he pulled me into a hug and held me close against his body.

“I will always look out for you,” I answered as I held him back, wanting to imprint this moment into my mind so that I could have something to hold on to, knowing that somebody cared at least once.

I felt the buzzing in my jean pocket before the tune started playing. Without even thinking that my phone was breaking a very important memory apart, I pulled from Chris’ arms and pulled out my cellphone.

“It’s my mom,” I said as I looked down on the screen.

“Are you going to answer?” Chris asked.

“I think I have to.”

With trembling fingers it took me three swipes over the touch screen before I actually managed to answer the phone.

“Hi honey,” I heard my mom’s voice on the other side.

“Hi mom, how are you?”

“I’m good thanks baby, and you? Enjoying your time at Chris?” she asked.

“How do you know I’m at Chris?” I could feel a cold feeling gripping my heart. Nobody was supposed to know where I was. I could not help moving toward the window and staring down at the street, looking at the passers-by, now with a horrible feeling that I was being watched.

“James told me,” she said and confirmed my greatest fear. He knew where I was. He knew about my secret hiding place. How long would it take him to barge into the apartment and take me back to that house by force?

“Oh…” What else could I say?

“Listen baby. The reason I am calling. James had a nasty accident at work. Apparently a car fell of a jack and hit him really badly on the head. The doctor says he is fine, but it would be best if he stays in bed for a while. I am flying out tomorrow morning to come and tend to him, get him up on his feet again.”

It felt like someone was punching me in the stomach and somewhere was relief as well. I was not a killer. But he had survived. He was alive, and he was watching me.

“Why? You left him.” I just blurted it out without even thinking.

“He’s still the father of my children, and what type of person would I be if I turn my back toward him in his hour of need?”

I thought about that for a second and how he went on when she told him she was leaving. If I were her I would have left him to die, not ran to his aid.

“I get it mom,” I said even though I didn’t.

“Why I am actually calling is because I would like you to go home as soon as possible. Keep an eye on James until I get there. Get him some dinner, make sure he doesn’t get out of bed. A head injury could be really serious. I should be there tomorrow afternoon at latest and then you can go back to Chris, but right now I need your help. I can’t stress about James as well as planning this trip.”

“But mom… I had plans,” I moaned into the phone. The last thing I wanted was to go back to that house.

“Please baby. Don’t be difficult. I really need you right now, and I will see you tomorrow, okay?”

I looked over to Chris as the feeling of lead started to fall from my stomach into my legs and feet, making me unable to move at all.

“Chris and I have plans tonight,” I whispered.

“Dammit E.J. Do I have to beg for one lousy favor? James has done a lot for you, the least you can do is take care of him for one night.”

There it was. The guilt trip.

“Okay,” I head myself saying even though it felt like the lips of a stranger moving.

“You will go home right now?”

“Yes mom,” I answered.

“He really needs you. He didn’t want me to call you, thinks he can do everything by himself. He’s a good man E.J.”

If only she knew just how ‘good’ he really was…

“Okay mom. I’ll go,” I said once more.

“Thanks baby. I will see you tomorrow okay? Love you.”

“You too,” I said as I lowered the phone from my ear.

Chris was already leading me over to the bed. I knew he heard every single word. There was no need to fill him in. He knew.

“I’m f****d,” I said, and then just for good measure I added; “Or I will be soon.”