Cold Hearted, You

07

NOTE: Please be aware of the chapters point of view.

07

Was it really necessary for some people to care about your business? What you do. Who you are now. How you do things and many more. Was it really just in everyone’s blood to be nosy and act like your business is theirs? Is that what people really like? They would rather talk about you even with your obvious presence and act like the innocent one at the end?

Since day one I already know that Kai’s arrival will only lead me into a massive headache. The moment I walked into that office of my mother and saw him sitting there, despite him not recognizing me, I already knew I am up to facing another obstacle from my past.

Everything about the past… I wanna forget it all. But clearly. Kai is not very helpful. The first time we were alone, everything he pointed out was my changes that are obviously unacceptable for him. He just keeps scolding me for things that he finds very unusual because he keeps basing from the Krystal he knows!

It’s irritating because he keeps questioning me about my changes which he is not familiar with. He keeps repeating it over and over. With him being nosy, I wouldn’t be shocked if he actually goes around and asks everyone on how I ended up like this. He was indeed my childhood friend, but he should know his boundaries.

After all… it was him who decided to suddenly just leave me hanging.

“If you don’t like how things go here. Just leave and go back to Los Angeles. We don’t need someone who thinks he knows what is better and what is not. You are being too nosy.” I said in a stoic face and the coldest tone I could ever get.

Without looking back at any of them, I walked myself out of that room where I am starting to feel the discomfort for the first time. There has always been a reason why that room was built, why I proposed to have that room built. It was for my own comfort and to stay away from those people who don't know me well but choose to judge on how I appear. It was also to keep myself away from the nosy people out here… but we just had to welcome one and I can’t even kick him out.

Because I don’t have the guts to kick him out.

Both of my hands are kept inside the pocket of my blazers while keeping my eyes straight. I walked into this silent hallway which I always love to. It just happens that I have always liked this corner of the school where most rooms that are not being used most of the time have become my usual pathwalk out of the Pearl Bar.  I choose this side of the school myself because of the silence and the hallway itself is mostly avoided by the students since the lounges are located in the middle of the school.

There it is again. My eyes landed into that black door that I always find myself staring at for a minute or two. I can never avoid it because it always catches my eye no matter how much I want to not give it any attention. Hesitation would always build up inside me whenever I stare at it. I don’t know whether I should go in or just pass by like usual but today… it’s different.

“How come everything is still the same?” I asked myself with a small smirk plastered on my lips.

I roam my eyes around after closing the door behind me. It was all still the same. Different kinds of instruments are neatly placed on each side of the room, separating the big ones and the small ones. It has been years since the last time I entered this room and I thought everything would be different after the renovation but turns out, it is just the same as it was.

My eyes landed in that familiar big instrument in the middle of the room. I stared at it and found myself smiling unconsciously.

“That’s what you always play before. I’m sure you wanna play it again.”

I groan in frustration as I shake my head to knock me back to my senses. Even here, I can hear Kai’s voice already as if he is just standing next to me. The way his voice echoes in my ear, it was like he was whispering those words that would end me up facing my softest spot once again. That can’t happen! I shouldn’t let his nosiness get in my head!

“You can’t make me soften up. I won’t let you.” I told myself firmly while staring at the piano.

That thing wasn’t nearly at fault . Whenever I look at any musical instrument, it would remind me of Kai then it will be followed by how he just suddenly ditch me out that would end with me being so pissed. But I couldn’t deny the fact… that I have been longing to touch those keys again.

Just once.

I approached the piano in careful and light footsteps. It was like I am approaching something fragile that I am so afraid to break. I took a seat on the bench in front of it and lifted up the fallboard slowly. My eyes lightened up seeing those familiar keys. With a shaky hand, I touched one of it and that familiar key sounds like music to my ears.

“Do I still know how to play you?” I asked the piano as if it would answer me. A small giggle escapes my lips upon realizing how dumb I probably sound and look like right now. Who would even talk with a piano and expect it to respond?

Setting aside any thoughts that are trying to stop me from doing something I always knew plays a part in my heart since then, my fingers slowly touched the keys. Two keys were touched by my right hand fingers and another two for my left hand fingers. I couldn’t help but feel that odd feeling inside me.

Soft. Warm. Comforting.

I didn’t even realize that I was already playing that familiar melody as I let my fingers take control over me. It may be because it has been so long that I couldn’t remember the title of it anymore but how I still remember the keys of it fascinates me. Without caring, I hummed softly matching the melody of the unknown piece I am playing right now through this piano.

It was refreshing. As if I was returning back to my roots, the old me. The soft Krystal who has always tried her best to appeal to everyone. The kind Krystal who everyone takes advantage of knowing they won’t hear any rejection from me. The old Krystal who was weak and doesn’t deserve to have it’s come back anymore.

The longer I play, the more confused I get with myself. I was never like this again for the past two years. There was no confusion nor hesitation. My decisions have always been just that and nothing else. But now… it’s starting again… only because of someone's return in my life.

My fingers stopped as I felt everything inside me suddenly freeze. A creak from the door filled the whole room as the piano stopped releasing any sounds. I already have a who it is and I wasn’t really wrong. I turned to the direction of the door only to see the familiar Kai Nicholas standing there, looking flustered, as he avoided my glares.

“Does the word privacy do not exist in your vocabulary?” I argued without tearing my eyes away from him. He keeps his mouth shut which somehow kind of pissed me off a little. A sigh escapes my lips as my hands fall down on my lap. “Don’t you have anything to do except follow me around anytime? Are you my bodyguard or what?”

Each question I throw at him, he looks like he just wanna go and dig his own grave. Looking flustered, he slowly steps forward with fidgeting fingers. He clears his throat and gives me a glance which I only return with a piercing gaze that he immediately avoided right away.

 “I heard some sounds and it seemed familiar in my ears so I had to check.” He explained, touching one of the cello that is placed just near the piano. He looked up to me which I avoided and looked away immediately. “I didn’t expect I would see a familiar figure across that small window when I decided to peek on it.”

A scoff escapes in my lips. “You already know who is inside yet you still had the courage to enter the room.”

“I was just curious about what you are doing here.” A small smile formed in his lips that made me raise a brow at him. “You are the last person I expect to see here. I think everyone thinks the same way.”

He knows that playing piano was one of the things I enjoyed doing way back when we were kids. He was even there every time I played it with him. Every occasion, there will be times that I will volunteer to play one because hearing the sounds of the piano just brings me so much comfort that I already forget because of how long I haven’t played it. The knowledge of playing it is still in my head but the titles of the pieces I used to play are all gone.

“What do you mean by that?”

I watch him as he removes his fingers away from the cello. He approaches my spot, standing next to the piano. I look on the opposite side of him as he leans to the piano lid using his elbow for support. I can feel his eyes on me but I do not dare to look back.

“Considering how you are now and how you describe yourself as already, seeing you in this room while playing a piano with a familiar piece just doesn't seem to match.” I immediately gave him a look but he still kept going. “You keep on telling everyone that you are a completely different person already. The opposite of the Krystal Erin I grew up with. But seeing you here… it reminds me of what you called the old you. The old you used to enjoy playing this back then.” 

The old you.

He was right at that point… but isn’t right on the rest anymore. I am indeed a completely different person. I don’t need to prove that to anyone because I know myself better than them. My decisions, my actions. It was all made by me and not by anyone else so it was all up to me to tell whether I already changed or not.

A smirk forms in my lips unknowingly making him raise a brow. “Hearing that, you don’t really seem to love observing me back then.” I gave him a suspicious look as his lips formed a smile. “You wouldn’t be as nosy and stubborn now if you weren't observing me that much before.” 

“You can’t blame someone for enjoying watching one person who is important for him to do something she enjoys the most.” The smirk on my lips disappears upon hearing that. “You don’t know how happy I always am whenever I see you have a wide smile on every time you do something that makes you happy. Even those times when you keep on trying and trying to do something you can’t really do and won’t stop until you are capable of doing it already, it was really fun to watch. It was always satisfying to see you achieve new things.”

My hand forms into a fist as I bite my lower lips to fight the urge of smiling. I have always been that kind of person who has this sense of competitiveness. I remember back then when we were kids, he would always win against me then I would urge to play that game once again until I won. Giving up was never in my vocabulary that is why we used to argue back then. As time went by, he just learned how to be patient with me, which I used to appreciate the most.

No! Krystal Erin, no looking back!

I inhaled and exhaled deeply to knock some sense in me. There it is again, the soft side that I don’t want to meet again. After two years of managing to control it and hiding it, with just a single person, I feel like I can be as soft as I was back then. But I shouldn’t! I can’t let a single Kai Nicholas Juarez to soften me up just like that.

Silence filled the room filled with musical instruments. If things were actually still the same, this kind of silence would cease to exist in our vocabulary. There would always be voices or so many things to talk about that even being with each other the whole day won’t ever be enough.

If things were still the same, the two of us would be playing this piano with the pieces we used to play together back then for fun. He was my partner in playing this instrument but now we were left with this kind of awkward silence. I can feel his gaze on me but I decided to act like I don't as I let my fingers touch one keys at a time.

“I guess you weren’t happy with what you were witnessing since your arrival.” I spoke up without much thought.

My head raised to meet his gaze that looked down on me softly. It was the same look as he used to look at me. There is warmness, comfort and admiration in it. Everything is all in there. There are certainly some times when he doesn't need to talk with his mouth anymore because his eyes are already enough.

He stared back at me as if he was looking for something in my eyes. Was he looking for the same affection his eyes are expressing? Because if he is, then he should stop already by now. Because he wouldn’t get to see those again. I already abandoned any feelings that would end me up being the one who will get hurt again. That is why he should stop it as well by now.

“Did it ever cross your mind, the possibility that if I didn’t leave… you would still be the same person as you were the last time we met each other?” He suddenly threw a question that I know will shake me up.

I gulped and looked down before looking away to avoid his eyes. “What do you think?”

“Not to be confident or to boast about the effect of my presence on you… but I think you will still remain the same. Whatever made you change, you wouldn’t go through it because I will be on your side to guide you and help you get through it.” He answered with much sincerity.

At some point, he was really right. Things would be actually exactly far different from now if he only remained here and weren’t out of nowhere during the times that I needed him. I wouldn’t have to feel like I was alone, fighting whatever I have to fight during the times that I felt so weak and vulnerable.

But he wasn’t there.

“What about you? Do you think the same way as I do?” He questioned.

“Partly.” I answered in a small voice. I stared in front of me, wondering about so many things. “Even with your presence, there is still no assurance that things would be the same because nothing will stay the same way in this world. Everyone is bound to change with every challenge and struggles they face in order to grow up as that is part of one person’s life. If one person didn’t change, that only means he didn’t learn his lessons yet.”

That has always been in my thoughts since then. Maybe things happened to actually help me realize so many things as I grow up. Certainly, no such things would really stay the same. Even a person won’t get to live in this world forever because such immortality does not really exist. No one is bound to stay the same as they grow up because change is just simply part of our life.

I look up to him, trying not to show any signs of weakness. “Kai… no one remains the same. Even you. You can’t deny to yourself that you have changed as well since you arrived in that unfamiliar state and stayed there for years. Change is a must so I suggest for you to just accept it.”

“Is that really what you think?” He asked, making me look at him in confusion. “When you were stuck on that event that made you who you are now… was that really on your mind during that time?”

It’s not… because that time, I was weak. I thought that reaching out will help me become better… but it only made me even more vulnerable that turned me like this.

“Do you really want to know my answer to that?”

“With no hesitation.” He says with full curiosity in his eyes. “Tell me,”

“Fine. I will.” I stood up from the bench and exhaled before giving him an answer. “Maybe… but you did. You decided to leave on the same day you told me you were leaving. You hesitated to tell me so there was even a chance for me back then to end up confused because you suddenly disappeared. In short… you left me without giving me enough time to adjust and take your words all in.”

I can see in his eyes the guilt and sadness in it. I can tell that he wants to explain himself but that would be no use now. That was already in the past and there is no way anyone can change whatever happened whatever that happened during that time. We already passed through it.

“Krys-”

“Look, Kai. You should really stop trying to make things the same way because it won’t be anymore. It’s time to accept that during those days that you were in the States, I was left facing my own challenges and struggles that turned me into the kind of person standing in front of you right now. It’s only up to you now if you are willing to accept that if you want to be part of my life again.” I told him without any hesitation.

I don’t care whether he would feel hurt by it anymore. No one cares about mine when they decide to hurt me so what is the use of pitying others? I already decided to stop caring since the moment I realized so many things in my life.

I fixed my blazer and my hair before taking a deep breath. I gave him one last glance which he only remained silent. Without any more thoughts, I was about to leave when I stopped just on his side to remind him of something that he should always remember starting now.

“If you are wondering if I’m still the same Krystal that you think you always know then you are wrong.” I returned his gaze to me with a serious one. “For the last time, I am not the same Krystal anymore. Things have changed, Kai… and it’s only normal that it applies to me as well.”