BATTLING FEARS

Therapy

I didn’t realize the mistake I was making when I accepted to be his girlfriend. Everyone thinks of a

perfect couple moments when they see two opposite s*x grinning at each other like fools. Sorry. I feel

frustrated at the time of writing this story. I mean we all think of a happily ever after when we see them

walk down the beach hand in hand shooting youtube videos and showing the world they are

inseparable. Well, that’s until one of them cheats on the other and they compromise for the other. Yoy

know, all this love story is messed up. Am I still writing this story or verging my frustration on the story?

Sorry.

I and drake dated for a month before he decided we push the relationship to another level. This involves

the introduction of the traditional s*x. I didn’t feel good about this and told him so but he

acknowledged me it was worth the trial since it’s what helps other couples bond well and it was going to

proof how much I truly loved him and trusted him. So far fetched! I didn’t want to believe this but didn’t

want to lose him also. I mean, I felt it was too early for this. I barely know him that well. Come on. I gave

in anyways because ones again I thought I was doing the right thing. I’d hope I finally proved to him I

trusted him with whole and I didn’t consider him a stranger but I was totally wrong for this. I made a big

mistake. Things changed horribly wrong. No! It’s not the kind of change where you think he will cheat

on me, or neglect me or stop loving me anymore. He still loved me so much and paid attention to my

needs… it’s just that this time it feels different.

He really wanted to change who I was. He wanted me to be more like him since he was considered cool

and deserved a cool girl like him. You know, a girl of his league. He is an outgoing and social person. I

could be if I wanted to but I can’t because I get tensed up easily around uncomfortable conditions. Life

can be unpredictable. I don’t want to feel this but I feel he is ashamed of me and doesn’t like the way I don’t interact with his friends during any hangout. I still don’t understand why he lets his friends

influence the decision in our relationship but he does anyways and this was really poisoning his mind.

There was one time I was in a restaurant working an evening shift in order to save up morning for a

swim suit which I really needed for swimming practice, he had called me up and offered he really

needed to see me the next morning. I was confused on what could have caused this sudden plan but

accepted anyways. Arriving to the empty small hall he had invited me to, I didn’t expect the presence of

four school touts in the room. Sighting them got me really confused and insecure. I expected it to be just

us right? Who were this two men?

“Thanks for coming Maureen. I actually wanted to introduce you to Jacob, Benjamin, Israel and Ken”

Drake said as soon as he caught sight of me walking in. One of the guys reached out to me for a hug

making me scared out of my skin.

“Stay away you creep!” I yelled giving him a sounding slap on his cheek. He got confused and squeezed

his face in anger.

“What did I do to you? It’s just a hug…”

“Who approaches a lady like that for the first time? Hug or not.”

“Drake, your girl friend’s got issues men. Why are you with her?” The one she slapped asked in anger.

“I know. That’s why I am trying to help her get over her shyness”

“Stay away from me, all of you. Leave me alone” I warned shifting backwards and leaning against the

wall. They weren’t coming after me but I felt they might. Their creepy stare frustrated me so much. I

stooped down and bend my face over my hugged knees trying to avoid eye contact with them.

“TALK YOU b***h!”

***

As per you might have guessed i and Drake broke up few days later due to this

occurrence. I didn't expect him to few remorse or whatever when i announced to him i

wasn't interested in this s**t we were in he called a "relationship" but it did hurt me

so much though seeing hos straight face after everything i'd told him in tears.

"We were not compatible anyway' He had told me placing his ear piece in his ears as

if ready to block up anymore words i had to say.

"Why did you have to do this? I trusted you so much. We were doing so well together

. You never understood i just have a medical condition with require therapy, patience

and medications. I am not shy Drake.When will you ever stop generalizing all non

outgoing people shy. I mean you said you had a family friend who was this way. You

should understand all this better than me due to this"

"...Still bringing up this issue again huh? You really want to hear about my personal

life now...right s**t?

"That's not what i mean ..."

"Since i brought it up why don't i just get rid of it off your head. Yes, i had a family

friend who had this so called anxiety you are having or so you call it so that you won'

t socialize Despite her parents pampering her so much and treating her like a gem,

she didn't stop her phobia from bringing all sorts of men to the house and going out

with friends to take drugs and drink Çognac. Do you think her parents ever believed

she did all those stuffs? Despite the fact she brought drugs into the house in the

disguise of school items. No one suspected her because they felt she was too shy to

do all this"

"She already had plans on how she wanted her life to be. Social anxiety doesn't stop

one from being bad if the person chose to follow the wrong way. It was her choice

Drake, you cannot stop her. I mean, how does social anxiety stop one from taking

drugs or drinking alcohol or sleeping guys they must have gotten familiar with. It

doesn't affect that to the best i know"

"Whatever! It's so easy for you all to be hypocrite and hide lots of crap in your closet and hide under the disguise of being quiet…"

"Stop okay?! Whoever will be bad will be bad. You don't have to generalize it and judge everyone from being hypocrite. I mean, you lie to your friends that Ferrari is your car when by the way it belongs to your father"

"Is that supposed to hurt because it does…" He said jumping down from the high platform he sat. "Well, the real reason why i dislike them isn't really because of that hypocrite. It's due to her brother who wouldn't believe whatever word i said about his sister despite showing him all the proof i had that she wasn't who she seemed. He trusts her so blindly. I bet he doesn't realize she was using his name in purchasing some of the drugs she had" 

"What?" I exclaimed in shock. "Why will she do that? Doesn't she care about her brother?" 

"She does. She just doesn't know what she is doing at this moment and no one is helping her. She is getting worse with her addictions by the second. Her family still thinks she is holy" 

"Perhaps she is. She just needs help with getting over her addiction…"

"Tell that to the crap of her brother who encourages their parents to give her money every month...Well, i have to go now. You broke up with me" I didn't give him a response this time. I watched him walk out the door not sure of how to digest all this news he had given me. Of course I knew not everyone with a disorder was going to be good but the fact he knew someone who needed help and had no medium to help really shattered me. Perhaps i was wrong breaking up with him. He just wished to help me...but using the wrong strategy. 

***

I spend the next few days researching on the best clinic to get my therapy appointment. I didn't really feel comfortable with Berkley Clinic because they hadn't really gotten the necessary personnels for my kind of case. The last time i had gone there, they referred me to Ken Hospital which was claimed to have the best doctors and was affiliated with the school. Though it was free and all but i just had to turn down the offer. The hospital was mostly crowded and didn't really offer the best services. Luckily i was able to get St Agnes Hospital which turned out to be so much better than the other two. The hospital had really good record of helping those with anxiety and was quiet close to the school as well. Informing my mum about this new plan, she promised to support me during this process and funded me to book my appointment. And then the journey started. 

At first my experience wasn't funny especially seeing the sick people and those will disability which sunk my heart a lot. Since i was a child i often felt really sorry for them but tried so hard not to make it obvious because i am very sure i won't love to be pitied every time by people if i had disability. No one wants to really stand out due to unforeseen circumstances. After my general check up, the doctor recommended me some drugs and suggested a therapist who was going to support me mentally im case i felt down or needed someone to speak to. I thought this was going to be a general therapy which involve all the social anxiety patients coming together to share their stories and all but i guess i was wrong. 

I was recommended to Doctor Gabriela who came on time during my first therapy session. She was a lady in her mid thirties and seemed to be new in her medical field. I mean she didn't really feel confident enough in the conversation she was having with me. 

"We are both learning from each other. I am not really a moving library" She had told me as she pulled out a book and pen. "Okay, so what's your name miss?"

"My name is Maureen Jackie" I responded watching her hands slide to and fro her paper. My heart was beating really fast. I could feel my hands shaking. I couldn't believe i was sharing my personal experience with a total stranger. 

"You're 20 years old according to your medical record" 

"Yes. That's right" i responded with a nod. Should i tell her i would be twenry this year. I means it was remaining to my birthday but would it really be bad if i told her i wasn't twenty yet. Maybe not. "I am still 19 though. I will be 20 next month" 

"O!" She giggled nicely. "If i were in your shoes, i will accept my 20 that way" 

"Everyone wants to grow up fast" I agreed with her smiling. 

"Sure. That's when you're younger, as you grow older you get tempted to lie about your age and you know appear younger rather than being old to everyone...i am Thirty four. Despite having two kids i wish i can just change back my age to twenty eight or so...time moves to fast" 

"That's deep" I responded not sure how to react that. The therapy session seem to be about her now. 

"Alright to you. So how long have you had this occurrence?"

"Since i was a child" 

"Okay. So what do you think triggered it? Did anyone abuse you or r***d you or put you in a scenerio where you started to have trust issues for anyone you see?"

"Not anyone i can think of but i do have a friend who was backstabbed by her cousin and another who was exposed for p**n addiction in front of the whole school during an event in the auditorium.."

"So you're telling me, yours was triggered by others experiences. Nothing has happened to you personally" 

"No. Not one i think of" 

"Who do you stay with? How was your childhood like?" 

"I stay with my parents. My childhood was okay i think. I didn't have many friends and i wasn't allowed to mingle with people as a child. My parents often talk about the menace of the society and tell me all sorts of stuffs that happen around which doesn't sound good to the ear" 

Dr Gabriela seemed intrigued and interested in this conversation. She raised her eyebrows and scribbled something down on her note. Your Parents you say...