Learning to Love

JULIAN I never really understood the concept of relationships and I feel I never will. They were annoying, stressful and utterly pointless. I must have been a hypocrite because I took a part in them anyway. It just seemed at that time a necessity to participate in. With my bleach blond hair and sky blue eyes, the girls considered me as a 'catch.' Don't get me wrong, I'm not boastful or proud-hearted neither am I mean. Maybe that's why when gossip spread about a girl being obsessed with me and who did suggestive artworks of me I just let it slide, I wasn't the one to mock people or judge them. I just let her do her thing. I was probably misleading her, because not long after I was dating her. I let her ramble about whatever she liked. She wasn't bad at least I could stand her. I wanted to leave but I couldn't... I didn't know why. Maybe it was because I was too nice or the fact she generally gave me no reason to. So when she came up with the crazy idea of moving in together during college I just shrugged. I don't know how people engage in these things called relationships. It was like having yourself in some invisible strain jacket with another person. I don't like clingy people and I think I never will. I think it dawned on me what I was gradually bringing upon myself when I found myself reciting vows at an altar, words I can't even remember. Why did I feel so empty, exhausted? Why did society expect this from people? But I guess it was just how life was meant to be. Wasn't it? But why do I feel so lifeless laying here on the bed? Her on top of me moving her hips rhythmically. Why do I feel as if am performing some sort of chore? I let her work me as I stared tiredly at the roof counting the boxes on the ceiling. Hearing her moan my attention jerked back to my present activity. I let her wither some more trying to suppress the urge to push her off. She sure took her time, throwing her head back and bouncing on me. She heaved one last time before collapsing on top of me, and against my silent prayer she held on to me in a tight hug. "I love you, Julian," she whispered. Her voice was shaky from the recent activity. She looked up to me with a shy smile her face red with heat. Maybe this was one of the reasons I didn't leave her. She didn't deserve it although her bashful pose of innocence irked me I sort of surrendered to it. I managed a smile at her and watched her hide her face in my neck. I waited silently for her to sleep and at hearing the first signs of sleep I rolled her gently of me and focused my view back on the wall. She keeps saying those words that confuse me. "What exactly does she mean by loving me?" I whispered to myself.