Beauty from Pain

Chapter 9

“Starry, starry night. Paint your palette blue and grey, look out on a summer’s day, with eyes that know the darkness in my soul. Shadows on the hills, sketch the trees and the daffodils. Catch the breeze and the winter chills. In colors on the snowy linen land… Now I understand what you try to say to me, and how you suffered for your sanity. And how you tried to set them free. They would not listen, they did not know how. Perhaps they’ll listen now.” I woke up to the sound of Callum’s beautiful face and the soft, gentle strum of his guitar.

He was sitting on the window nook, the glow from the moon shone on his face and naked chest. The light picked out his features as though they’d been chiseled in marble. I was very pleased to watch him, he was so absorbed with the song he was singing. It seemed to breathe such an innocent serenity on him. He had the most beautiful eyes. They were a mesmerizingly dark as if even the brightest light couldn’t penetrate them. When you looked into them it was as if you were being transported to another world.

He suddenly paused, probably feeling the weight of my stare. Callum turned his head and his dark eyes met mine. “Sorry. Did I wake you up?”

I smiled at him and shook my head. He was so breathtaking beautiful in nothing but his grey boxers. “Go on. I want to hear the rest of it.

“He began to strum his guitar again as he looked into my eyes. “Starry, starry night. Portraits hung in empty halls. Frameless heads on nameless walls with eyes that watch the world and can’t forget. Like the strangers that you’ve met, the ragged men in ragged clothes. The silver thorn of bloody rose, lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow.”

“That was beautiful.” I said, almost in a whisper.

He placed his guitar against the wall and walked up to the bed, sitting on the edge of it. He raked his fingers through my hair and stared at me with soft eyes. I wasn’t sure if it was sadness I saw in them or he was just tired. His hand traveled down my face to touch my cheek. “You’re more beautiful.”

“Was the another The Beatles song?” I pulled that hand to my lips and kissed them.

He shook his head. “Nope, it’s not.”

“I’ve heard of that song before but I just don’t know where.”

“It’s a pretty old song.” “You seem to be fond of old songs.”

“There’s so much beauty in old song you wouldn’t find in the modern ones. The lyrics are so authentic and you can feel the genuine passion in each melody.” He said as he looked at me with his dark eyes as he stroke my hair.

I left feather kisses on each of his fingers. The intimacy between us was intense and raw. I felt like when he holds me, I am no longer trap in a cage. I could roam free. He gave me a sense of security I hadn’t felt in a long time. “Cal, you don’t know how much you’re helping me. Gusto ko ng lumaya sa nakaraan ko…”

“Did I hurt you?” He said, worry in his voice.

“I’m just a little sore.”

He closed his eyes and let out a heavy breath. “Oh Drey, what am I doing?”

“You don’t have to feel bad. I wanted it.” I sat up, clutching the blanket on my chest.

“Hindi dapat ganito. I don’t want to damage you even more. Why did I do that to you?” He mumbled.

“Cal…” I quietly said as I pulled him to me. He rested his head on my lap like a child would. “You did nothing wrong. Since what happened to me, every man around me became a threat but with you I feel safe. I’ve numbed myself for so long, locking myself in my own world and pretending like it never happened. You made me feel again.”

“You didn’t deserve what happened to you. It’s not fair.” He sighed heavily. “But you can’t do this to yourself. You can’t re-live the past and hurt yourself over and over.”

“I’m not re-living my past. I’m trying to change how I feel about it.”

“This is a dangerous game you’re playing. This is not good for you, Audrey. I didn’t even know why I agreed to this. I don’t want this to turn into something we both might regret. Baka magkasakitan tayo sa huli. And I’m not talking about the physical aspect.”

“You’re the only man I’ve given myself to. Sa’yo ko lang naramdaman ang pagiging babae ko. If you’re worried about me becoming emotionally attached to you, I won’t I swear. There won’t be any emotional attachment involved. This would be just pure s*x. I just want to feel normal again. Gusto ko lang ibalik sa akin ang kinuha nila.”

“Audrey, I’m not sure what I’ve gotten myself into.” He reached up and traced my jaw.

“But I want to help you. I promised I would.”

He pulled my head down to his and we kissed. We fell asleep clinging on to each other’s bare bodies.

I woke up with my head on Callum’s chest. I slowly slipped out of bed, careful not to wake him up. I picked up all my clothes from the floor and put them. I glanced at Callum who was sleeping peacefully in his bed. He was lying on his back and the rays of sun coming into the window bathed his naked body. My eyes lowered to his lower part and saw his manhood. My eyes widened and I quickly looked away, my cheeks heating up.

Nagmamadali akong lumabas sa kwarto niya at sumakay sa kotse ko. I went home to take a quick shower and to get ready for work.

“Good morning, Mrs. Keri.” I greeted cheerfully as I passed by her desk.

“Good morning, darling.” She replied as she scanned the returned books. “You have loads of books waiting on you today. I feel like I’d be gaining arm muscles after I finished scanning all these books. Those pesky elementary kids who took a field trip at our library last week are all returning the books they borrowed.”

“Great! At least this will keep us busy all day. We haven’t been this busy for quite a long time.” I smiled.

Her eyes lifted up to look at me. “What’s wrong with you, darling?”

“What do you mean what’s wrong with me?” I chuckled.

“You seem so happy today.” She noticed.

“I do?” My brows furrowed.

“Are you on something? I want whatever you’re on, darling.” She narrowed her eyes at me.

“I’m not on anything.” I smiled, shaking my head.

“Wait a minute. I know that glowing look on your face. I was young once, you know? Before I became a librarian I was a wild child. I travel across the States in a bus with my group of hippie friends.” She smiled nostalgically and snapped out of it after a few moments. She looked at me. “Back in my days, we have s*x like we were rabbits. Then reality slapped me in the face. I got married to a guy who turned out to be a crack addicted asshole, after two miscarriages and a lot of beating I finally came to my senses and left him. I got myself a job here as a librarian with the intention of saving up until I could afford to divorce him but I’ve been working in this library for decades now and I still have his surname. Keri.” She sneered spitefully. “Hell! I don’t even know if he’s still alive.”

“I’m just going to return the books.” I said, not knowing what to tell her.

“Where were we again?” She asked me.

“I don’t remember anymore.” I simply said and pushed the book cart forward.

I kept myself busy with my job, putting the books back in their proper shelves. I pranced and sang around as I worked. For some reason I felt lighter now. It was like the weight had been lifted off my shoulders. What happened between Callum and I gave hope that someday I’d be free from my past. Hindi man ngayon, balang araw.

Of course there wasn’t any emotions involved between us other than the feeling of safety and control over my body. It would be like a one night stand between us, except only with one man.

I was done for the day. I switched off all the lights and locked the door.

“Hey.” I almost jumped when I heard a voice.

I turned and saw Callum leaning against the wall. He smiled at me.

“Callum!” I exclaimed. “You scared me! Talaga bang hobby mo na ang gulatin ako?”

“I’m sorry. I’ve been waiting for you.”

“Bakit hindi ka pumasok?” I asked.

“I’m banned.” He reminded cheekily.

“I already told you, you’re not anymore.” I rolled my eyes at him.

He walked up to me, cupping my face into his hand and he lowered his head to kiss me on the lips. I automatically wrapped my arms around his waist and kissed him back.

After a couple of seconds, we pulled away from each other.

“Bakit bigla ka na lang umalis kaninang umaga?” He asked, resting his forehead against mine.

“I didn’t want to interup your sleep.” I bit my bottom lip.

“I just came from work and decided to stop by to ask if you want to have dinner with me.” He said.

“Kaka-grocery ko lang last week. Do you want to have dinner at my house?” I asked him.

“I would love to. That sounds perfect.” His pearly whites appeared again.

We went into our own cars and he followed behind me to my house. For the first time I was letting in a man that was not my family in my home. I trusted Callum. I felt completely safe and at ease with him.

“What are we having for dinner, chef Audrey?” He asked while I got my ingredients ready.

“I hope you like beef penne.” I said.

“Are you trying to impress me, woman?” His eyes narrowed into a suspicious slit. “Cause let me tell you this. It’s working.”

“You wish!” I rolled my eyes but couldn’t stop the smile on my face. He helped me in the kitchen. He chopped all the food that needed chopping and I took care of the rest. I finished cooking and served the food on the table.

“Ah nothing beats a good home cooked meal.” He said after gulping down the food. “Ang sarap mong magluto.”

“Si Mama ang nagturo sa akin magluto.” I smiled.

“Don’t you miss your family?” He asked.

“Of course I do.” I sighed.

“Wala ka bang planong bumalik sa Pilipinas?

“My eyes lowered to my food as I played with it. “I can’t… I just don’t feel safe there anymore.”

“I’m sorry you had to go through what you’ve been through.” There was a somber tone in his voice.

“You know, I just realize ang dami mo nang alam tungkol sa akin. I want to know more about you.”I tried to change the topic into a less depressing one.

“Well what do you want to know about me?”

“Let’s start with your family. Tell me about them.”

“I lost my Dad to cancer and my Mom passed away from heart failure due to depression after a few months. She had always been depressed but my Dad’s death took a toll on her.”

“I’m sorry…” I sadly told him.

“It’s okay. That was a long time ago.” He gave me a reassuring smile.

“Ikaw na lang pala ang naiwang mag-isa.”

“I still have a sister but after my parents passed away madalang na kaming magkita.” He shrugged.

“Why did your family move here?”

“Like you we wanted to start a new life. Marami din nangyari sa Pilipinas na gustong kalimutan ng Dad. The scandal, the lawsuits, the bankrupt business. Here we could live a quiet life, away from all those.”

“So your family was into business?” I asked. “Businessman din ang Dad ko.”

“I never really took interest in my Dad’s business. I’ve always been into music. When I was still in college, I used to make money by teaching kids how to play musical instruments.” He smiled, looking at me. “I’ve never heard of you talk about your favorite hobby.”

That made me think for awhile. I never really did the things I loved doing since the abuse. The things I do were usually a mere distraction. Lahat ng ginagawa ko ay para makalimot sa nangyari sa akin noon. I lost a big part of who I am because of it. I was destroyed to pieces until I couldn’t recognize myself anymore.

“I used to like travelling. Madalas kaming ipasyal ni Dad at Mama sa iba’t ibang bansa, lalo na pag summer vacation.” I sighed nostalgically. I was supposed to travel around Europe on my own after my twenty first birthday but unfortunately, I never did.

We talked until we finished our food. He helped me clean up the table and I washed the dishes.

“Thanks for the wonderful dinner, Audrey.” He said, wrapping his arms from behind me. I dried my wet hands with a small towel hanging on the oven handle.

“Callum…” I moaned when I felt his lips brushing against my neck. I turned to face him and crushed my lips against his.

His hand began to move, stroking my sides. “You are incredibly beautiful, Audrey. Do you know that?”

“Cal, please.” I softly breathed against his lips. His lips trailed down my jaw and to my ear.

“I know. I know…” He said biting the lobe of my ear.

“Take me.” I dug my fingers through his hair. “I want to feel you inside me again. I want you to ravage me like how you did last night…”

“Audrey…”­ His eyes turned a hue softer. “Do you really want me to do that again?”

I nodded my head.

“Tell me when to stop.” He left a gentle kiss on my lips.

Callum suddenly turned me around and held me down the counter top. I took in a sharp inhale when he pinned both my hands down, my chest pressed againt the marbled top. It was sick how I enjoyed the feeling of being helpless and weak compared to Callum. The feeling of having no physical control but at the same time feeling in complete control. The physical threat on my body but the safety of knowing he’d stop whenever I wanted him to. That was what gave me the rush. My heart was pumping more blood than it should.

Wordlessly, he pulled my pants down to my knees along with my underwear. His fingers traced along my slit and I yelped when he pumped it inside me. His fingers went deep inside me until I could feel his knuckles against my womanhood.

“How can you still be this tight?” He asked as he moved his fingers in and out.

I bit my bottom lip and swallowed a whimper. His fingers brutally thrust in and out of me. The unbearable pleasure just approached the pain. I felt his hold loosened on my wrist and he was no longer holding me down.

My whole body shivered when his warm and wet lips covered my womanhood from behind. His hands were on my hips, pushing me against the edge of the counter top. His tongue expertly teased me, tentatively stroking my slit. He opened me up with his fingers. I felt so exposed and dirty under his gaze. I could feel him staring at my womanhood and it took me aback how I enjoyed that feeling. The tip of his hardened tongue played around my opening. He swirled his tongue around before he finally thrust in. One of his hands went to my front and started massaging my nub. He pinched them between his two fingers and I let out a yelp, the pleasure and pain sent me shooting to my tiptoes. His tongue delved in and out of me and I rocked against his movements. He rotated his face against my flesh, adding a new depth of speed and friction to an already overwhelming feeling.

My body began to tighten and then I convulsed. I almost dropped to the ground but Callum held me back up. The sound of him unbuckling his belt and unzipping his pants brought fear. The sound was so familiar it felt like I was back in that dark place again. When I hear that, I knew I would be used again.

“Callum?” I whispered. I wanted to hear his voice, to pulling me back from the miserable place. I wanted to make sure it was still him even though I couldn’t see him.

“It’s me, Audrey…” He whispered in a gentle voice.

I relaxed again. He pushed my legs further apart. I gasped when he shoved his entire length in me in one swift motion. He leaned forward, his body touching my back. His hands went to the front of my blouse and I shrieked when he suddenly yanked them open. Ripping my blouse apart and the buttons going everywhere. He pulled my bra cups down, exposing my breasts to the cool air of the room.

He began to brutally move in and out of my body as he pulled my n*****s with his fingers. He played, stretched and molded my breasts. I could feel his whole length and width inside me each time he thrust in. Everything about him forced and ambushed me.

His soft moans turned into grunts as he pushed harder and deeper. He pushed so deep I could feel him hitting my cervix.His thrust increased pressure as if he was trying to tear down my inner walls.

I felt another orgasm and then my walls tightened around him. It triggered his own orgasm and then he pulled out of me.Then I felt his warm essence covering my bottom. I went completely limp against the counter top. I tried to muster the strength to even lift my fingers but I couldn’t. I was paralyzed by the after effect of the orgasm.

He took a paper towel to wipe it off and helped me get dressed. He carried me to my room and laid me down my bed. Tumabi siya sa akin and we cuddled for awhile.

“Are you okay?” He asked, concern in his voice.

I smiled and nodded my head.

“Are you on the pill?”

“Pill? What pill?”

“Birth control.” He whispered kissing the side of my head.

I shook my head and looked up at him. My eyes widened in horror, he didn’t use protection on me. “You didn’t use condom…”

“I’m clean, I swear.” He promised.

“That’s not what I’m worried about. What if I get pregnant?”

“I pulled out but there’s no guarantee. I’ll grab you a morning after pill later and maybe we should start getting you on the pill.”

I nodded my head, agreeing.

“You haven’t been on the pill before?” He c****d a brow.

“No.”

“Have you never had a boyfriend?”

“I did but that was when I was a teenager. We lasted for six months and we never went beyond kissing.” I said, snuggling my face into his neck.

“God, I never realized how innocent you are.”