A Second Chance Love: My Marine

Shattered

New York was amazing and everything I could wish for. The house that Mike Daly had me stay in was 4 beds and 5 baths, one for each of us and a spare. We got there late and unpacked, and I was thrown right into the program.

Mia got a hold of admissions to start some paperwork to start school in a couple of weeks. Kyle was with me during part of program, but he spent most of his time practicing for the try outs.

One day, after setting up the final program for the open try outs for the Panthers, I got my first letter from Lucas. I held it in my hand with anticipation and nothing else matter in that moment.

Alena,

I cannot tell you how difficult it is here. It is a lot harder that I could ever imagine. Imagining being in your arms again helps me push through every day. We wake up anywhere from 3am to 5am and train all day. I have 3 more months and then I go to school for, I don’t know how long. I am not sure where I am going for school, it is either somewhere in the states or overseas, I am hoping to stay state side, I need to be closer to you.

I miss you so much that words cannot explain. I cannot believe that I was a coward for so long, I should have listened to Kyle and told you how I felt. I remember when I first realized my feelings for you. We were 15 and we were ice skating by the lake outside of town. The snow started falling and you were twirling with your arms spread wide, head up in the sky, eyes shut. You have never looked more beautiful, and I knew then, at that moment, it was you.

I am counting down the days till I am home in your arms.

Take care,

Lucas

The letters came every week and I returned them as they came. It was like we were getting to know each other on a whole new level even though long distance was not something we both planned.

The try outs went off without a hitch. Kyle made the team, third string, but at least it was something. Mia was doing great in school, and I couldn’t be happier. I have had no contact with dad since the conversation and I don’t plan on it. Things with the team have been going great. A couple of the younger guys closer to our age tried hitting on me, but I always turned them down, saying that I had a boyfriend. Well, it was kind of true right? I didn’t know what we were, all I knew was that he had my heart.

About three months later, I got another letter, and it broke my heart.

Alena,

I finally did it. I am a marine! I couldn’t be any happier, but I wish you were here. I got some bad news, I found out where I’m going for school. I will be going to Germany for 6 months and I don’t get any time off. I am leaving tomorrow morning. God I miss you.

I will try my best to keep writing. I love you.

Lucas

My heart sank and all I could was wait for another letter because I didn’t know what the address would be. I kept myself busy with the team. The letters eventually did come, every couple of weeks and then once a month and then they stopped.

I tried writing him, keeping him updated on what was going on in our lives, with Mia and Kyle and how their relationship was continuing to grow, how the team was progressing and how I have become an important part of the training and recruiting for them and how they offered me a permanent position.

He never responded. Not until I got that letter.

Alena,

I don’t know what to really say to you. We have been talking through letters for some time, on the phone occasionally, but something, in my gut, doesn’t feel right. I have been ignoring your letters and it is about time that I tell you the truth. You are my best friend, and you always will be but I need to say this so I can move on.

What happened was a mistake. That night was amazing, but it should not have happened, and I can’t stop thinking of how it was a mistake. I know I asked you to wait for me, but it was wrong of me to ask, to put you in that place. We knew I was leaving, and we knew we didn’t know how long I was going to be gone.

A part of me will always love you and I want you to remember that. You will always be my best friend, even though Kyle wants us to be more.

I cannot have you wait for me. I don’t want you to. I cannot in good conscience have you be waiting for me when I don’t know what is going to happen during our time apart.

I hope one day you can learn to forgive me, but until then, this is goodbye.

- Lucas

My heart shattered. I stared at the letter. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t scream, I couldn’t say anything. I pulled out a piece of paper and wrote a response. I shoved the letter he sent me into a box under my bed, with all the letters he sent and forgot about it.

With that, I disposed Lucas out of my life. No mother. No Father. No Lucas. Kyle was busy with the team and Mia was busy with school.

Me against the world.

But it wasn’t me against the world. That day, I went to the ice rink, skates tied together and thrown over my shoulder. I needed to be alone, and I needed to do something that would keep me preoccupied. I unlocked the door to the rink, abandoned as all practices were done for the day and there was no open skate. I sat on the bench and put on my skates, put in my headphones and blasted Linkin Park, grabbed a small bucket of pucks and my hockey stick that I left there. I skated around for a bit, remembering a few moves from when I did figure skating. I twisted in the air, a part of me hoping that I fell so I can feel some sort of pain, but I landed. I sighed and skated to the middle of the rink and dumped the pucks on the ice. I skated around for a bit, trying to release some of my anger that has been building up this entire time. I came to a slow stop at the center, took my aim to the net and slapped the puck into the net, letting go some of my anger with it as well. I did it again, and again and again until I collapsed and bursted into tears.

That is when I felt familiar arms wrap around me. “Hey, what’s going on sis?” Kyle whispered, rubbing my back trying to calm me down. I couldn’t speak, I just let it all out and he sat there with me for as long as I needed, trying to bring me back to the world, back to this moment.

After what seemed like an eternity, he pulled me off the ice and we skated back to the bench and put our shoes on. He didn’t say anything though, but it was like he could read my mind. He grabbed my hand, and we went across the street to this little ice cream parlor and got some milkshakes. It was just more silence.

We finally got home that night and I got the letter that Lucas sent me and handed it to him. He read the letter, showing no emotion in his face as his eyes scanned over every single word. He finally looked up at me and that is when I knew, at that moment, I would always have my brother with me, no matter what the future would hold, he would be there.

Mia was not so calm when she found out what happened.

“Who does he think he is? He apparently hides his feelings for you for years and tells you everything the day BEFORE he leaves for basic training, just to end things a year later without even giving you a choice? An option? Or just to talk about it? I swear to god if I ever see him again I am going to kick his ass!” she screamed

“It’s not even worth it anymore. He made the decision for us…” I took a seat on the couch, not looking at them, embarrassed that the one guy that I loved left me.

“I think there is more to it Lena. I think, he’s afraid.” Kyle handed me a glass of orange juice and took a seat next to me. “Try to think of it from his perspective.”

“Being around those hot marine women, yeah, probably wanted to keep his options open.” Mia scoffed.

“No, I don’t that’s its babe.” Kyle chuckled lightly and shook his head. “Why do girls automatically assume that other women are involved?”

“Well, he’s an athlete. A marine and handsome…why not?” I sat there in silence, listening to the two of them bicker.

“I think he is doing this because he doesn’t know how long he will be away; he doesn’t want Lena to put her life on hold for him when she could be living her life to the fullest extent. To ask her to wait for him would be selfish of him. He doesn’t want that for you Lena. I know him, probably better than I know myself.” He took my hand to try to sooth me, yeah, it wasn’t working.

“I don’t know Ky. I just think that this should have been something that we could have talked about and decided together. We could have still written each other and been friends and then seen what happens when he comes back to the states.”

“You know very well that you two could never be just friends.”

I sighed. I knew he was right. We were too far gone. We went from best friends who secretly liked each other, to a night of passion and wanting to be together to this.

“Well, look at the bright side, at least nothing got serious between the two of you so if and when he comes home, it will be like a clean slate.” Mia shrugged. All I could do was look at her with wide eyes and then look back to my feet. I needed to get out of this room, I needed to do something.

I stood up, not saying a word and her eyes went wide. “Lena…you didn’t…”

“I am going to my office to work on plans for training and recruiting.” I stood up and met Mia’s wide eyes. Kyle was too busy on his phone to notice, typing away, probably to the guys on the team. “Kyle, you going to the gym?”

He didn’t answer me. He was too engrossed in his phone. “Kyle?” I asked again.

“Huh?”

I rolled my eyes at him. “Never mind” I said and with that I walked out the door, the first step into my new life without Lucas.