Chasing After Ashes

Chapter 1: Fractured Mind

There were too many confusing things in the world, some of which you can’t comprehend no matter how hard you try, and some which will eventually make sense once you’re given enough time. No matter how nice it would have been to think of the problems which had burst like a dam and drowned me weeks ago would eventually make sense, I knew the chances was higher that they wouldn’t.

My thoughts and emotions were a rampant, never-ending storm inside my head, ones which refused to be calmed. It had been a few weeks, going on more than a month since I was forced to swallow the truth that my pack, that my entire family were murderers.

Chasing after the Rosewood pack and worrying about what happened to them in the years I had been separated from them was an ignorant, yet blissful, dream. The kind I would willingly force myself to go back to sleep and dream of again, rather than the ugly nightmare my reality actually was. Each day I continuously wondered and cursed them on why they could have massacred thousands of werewolves ate away at my sanity, further frayed the delicate strings of my emotions, and my grasp of reality.

Days passed seemingly in the blink of an eye as I secluded myself in my little home in the woods of the Alcatrozz mansion. The cottage was my mini reprieve, a way to get away from everyone else at the same time without actually going anywhere. Even if I had wanted to leave, I wouldn’t know where to go. The drive I had before to run away and interact with the world was gone.

There was no use moving past this nightmare which held me hostage in its arms, keeping me close to it that the past seemed like a sweetly distant dream.

In this dreadful haze which had enveloped me, my body felt numb, seemingly unreal as I drifted off and traversed the edge of nightmares and reality that had blurred so deeply together I couldn’t tell which was which. Was I awake or floating on a chasm of emotions and relentless truth that refused to leave me alone?

If I don’t move, could I drift back to that blissful dream where I didn’t know anything? A flicker of hope flashed through the fatigue, making my lips twitch in delight at the thought that I could be ignorant again.

If I was still faithfully hopeful as I had been a few weeks ago, I might have even believed it. No one knew what could happen in the future because there were too many possibilities that could occur at a given moment. It was the words I lived by when I was looking for my pack, yet it was stupid of me to romanticize it and not fully consider the possibility that the worse could happen. And now that it had, the shock—I think this was shock, although with how mixed up my view of the world was, I couldn’t really be sure—was too much for my own body to take.

As I continued sinking, drowning in this phantasm I had been living in, flashes of what I could only assume was reality, still penetrated through it occasionally. In it, I saw Elizabeth sitting beside me for hours, quietly talking about things which I had only caught snippets of but didn’t really understood; Lilian kept bringing me food even if she had to force me to take small bites to fill the stomach I didn’t know was grumbling in hunger in the first place.

Then there was Tate. The flashes of reality with him was somehow clearer, as if the nightmare’s hold on me had deliberately loosened to make me surface back into the world when he was there. He talked for hours about anything he could think of, except for the topic of family he skillfully avoided. The clearest memory came when he mentioned an odd blue dress he had a hard time finding, for some reason I couldn’t hear before the mist had pulled me under again.

It was safer there in the nightmare of a dream I had been living in where I wasn’t forced to do anything. I could lie in wait forever until my emotions had subsided and the truth had long faded into the background that it wasn’t significant anymore. I could ignore it and pretend I had spent my life chasing after them until finally giving up because they didn’t exist—never existed in the first place. There was a knowledge inside me that was sure I would have been more capable dealing with that kind of truth rather than what I had been dished with.

Time didn’t exist where I was trapped in the nightmare, but the longer I stayed, the flashes of reality which penetrated through seemed much shorter and less frequent than they had been before. As I remained there drowning in my emotions, the nightmare never loosening its hold even for one moment, I was sure I was going to be trapped here until my body gave out or had it already done so and I wasn’t able to feel it?

I wasn’t sure how long I lingered with that thought, arrested in the moment my emotions had burst into a chaotic mess I couldn’t control, sure that I was going to be like this forever when something jabbed at my senses and forced me to surface back to reality.

Words that were as sharp as it was intended penetrated through the thick haze. “How pathetic can you be?”

Not realizing I had closed my eyes, I slowly opened it and saw Rastor standing over me. Was this a dream within a dream? It couldn’t be real, I was sure of it since before I had succumbed to the nightmare and it had completely taken over my mind, he had been avoiding me.

Ever since I got back from that warehouse where I was taken, he had been determined to not be around wherever I was. The moment he knew I was related to Gabe and the rest of the people behind the massacres, it didn’t take him long to connect that they were the Rosewood pack I had been so determined to find before.

Since then, he and the rest of the Reons pack hadn’t wanted me around. Nobody said it out loud that they partly blamed me for my family’s actions, but it was obvious in the glances they made when they thought I couldn’t see them. It wouldn’t have mattered if it was the Alcatrozz pack who was reacting that way towards me, because it wouldn’t have been much different from all the hatred they showed me before, just without the a***e.

However, that wasn’t the case. It hurt far worse than I could have imagined, driving the nightmare further into my soul because the people I had begun to consider my family steered away from me, even when we pass each other in the kitchen and around the house. They would scurry off immediately like I was the plague.

The only one of them who still talked to me was Lilian. She had been there when I first broke down and if the flashes I had seen past the haze were real, then she had continuously been by my side like the mother I never had.

I blinked slowly as I tried to remove the haze away from my eyes, hoping who I was seeing was real. As the haze cleared and for the first time in a long while I knew I was grounded back to reality, confusion pervaded my entire body. “What are you doing here?” My voice was nothing but a harsh whisper, the words seemingly scratching my throat. Had it been too long since I last spoke?

Rastor’s eyebrows twitched slightly as he heard me speak, and I had the feeling he was looking at me for the first time in a long while. As I stared waiting for him to speak, to say anything else, I saw a flicker of emotion cross his cobalt blue eyes before he jerked his head and left. The door of the cabin swung shut behind him.

The moment he left, I expected the haze to pull me under again but it didn’t happen. The confusion and pain of Rastor’s hatred for me bombarded my entire body, a sharp addition to the maelstrom of emotions which continued to overwhelm me. As I stared at the door, the pain of one of my closest friends deserting me for good thrumming into my bones in waves that escalated the longer I lingered on it, I snapped.

I couldn’t do it, couldn’t live with another bout of worry to add to the already colossal hurricane inside me. Rastor hating me because of my family was just the push that plunged me past the demise and a spark of anger lit up in the midst of the horror and numbness, pulling me back to reality.

The anger triggered the senses I didn’t realize I had refused to pay attention to for how long I had been in that nightmare, and I smelled Rastor’s sandalwood scent lingering on the air, making me sure that I really was back to reality.

Remembering how he had been dismissive and flat out horrible to me without even considering talking to me about what he was thinking or feeling, I turned to sit on my bed. As I did, pain shot through my body, making me grit my teeth to hold back the gasp threatening to get out of me. Not letting this bit of pain hold me back from chasing after Rastor and telling him off to get his a*s out of his head, I pushed myself to stand. My bones creaked, my muscles straining in pain at the sudden weight it wasn’t used to making since I had been caught in that nightmare.

I bit my lip until my teeth grazed through and I tasted blood in my mouth. How long has it been since I had been up? I felt like an alien inhabiting a body that wasn’t mine, trying to get used to the weight, the muscles, and the mere fact of moving seemed too much to even do.

A couple of pain-filled minutes passed as I strained to stand properly, pushing with my all to do this task because I wanted—nay, needed—to yell at Rastor. Sweat trickled down my forehead and my shirt was already soaked in it as I finally was able to stand properly. The effort it took me to do such a simple thing made me want to beat myself over the head or give a little cheer that I was even able to do this much considering how long it might have been since I had last stood.

Shaking the thought off because I knew I had no time, and who knows how long it would take me to actually get out of here, much less follow Rastor who most likely had long been back at the Alcatrozz mansion, I took one step forward. The world swayed and I slapped my hand on the wall until I gathered my bearings and took another step forward.

It was slow going but I was eventually able to reach the door of the cottage, my hands grasping the doorknob like it was made of delicate material. As I moved to turn the knob and pull the door open, terror gripped my body so fast that my hands slipped away from it and I stumbled back from the door. I couldn’t do it, open it, and head outside because then everything would be real.

The events that had happened, the truth that I stumbled onto, would be more real because there would be people who would remind me of it. Even if they didn’t explicitly remind me about it, just the fact that I would be seeing the people I had been fighting alongside to defeat who I thought was a mere enemy, would be too much of a reminder already. I wasn’t ready to deal with the consequences of the truth—and I don’t think I will be any time soon.

Any time soon? Hadn’t this exactly what I said before when I started tumbling down this darkness I couldn’t seem to get out of no matter how hard I tried? If I wasn’t ready now or would be ready in the near future, then when would I be ready to deal with what happened? How long could I actually put off facing the fact that my family are a bunch of murderers?

Wouldn’t it be another kind of delusion I would be living in if I continue to remain in here, hoping the walls of my house could keep away the truth that the others had been dealing with since it broke out?

The thought of staying in my home for longer than I already had, because I wasn’t in any way, shape, or form ready to deal with the truth, made me want to vomit. It was nice living in a delusion, but as I felt my bones that couldn’t seem to fully support my weight like before, my muscles straining with the effort it took me to stand and get off my bed, I knew I couldn’t continue this.

I had to at least do something, if not for anyone else, but for myself. Especially with the truth now in the open, I was sure that everyone would treat me far worse than they ever did. But what can I expect when even I abhorred the glaring truth.

Rastor’s first words to me which pulled me out of the mist echoed in my mind as I grabbed the knob and turned it, pulling the door open. As the sunlight streamed in, brighter and warmer than I remembered it to be and a soft breeze caressed my bare arms and legs, the world didn’t seem all that scary as it had in my imagination.

Taking a step forward, my knees wobbling from the strain of standing up and taking a few measly steps I must have not done for who knows how long, I stumbled forward. I closed my eyes, readying myself for the pain when I felt somebody’s hands steady me on my feet.

“How are you feeling?” murmured a gentle voice that I had heard for so many times when I was under the mist. I opened my eyes and saw Tate’s emerald green eyes, seemingly brighter as if it reflected off the glint of the sun. There was something tender in his eyes, worry and something else I couldn’t bear to see that I looked away from him.

I nodded my head and pushed him away from me, determined to get away from him as much as possible. “Wher—“ my voice croaked, the words scratching my throat painfully but I pushed through. “Where is Rastor?”

As if the sun was suddenly hidden behind thick clouds, Tate’s eyes darkened as he stood straighter. “He already left. Why are you asking?”

Ignoring what he said as I was determined to make Rastor see how he was wrong, I asked, “Where did he go?” If it was possible, his eyes had darkened further that now it seemed like it simply rejected light.

“He had errands to run, nothing for you to concern yourself about.”

Before I could ask anything further about it, I was suddenly swept off my feet and carried in Tate’s arms. “What the hell are you doing?” I yelled, my voice pitching higher that it sounded like air near the end.

He started walking, seemingly unconcerned about my distress and need to get away from him. As much as I wanted to raise my hands and beat at him to force him to put me down, my hands didn’t move. I looked at the shaking hands in my lap that felt like lead, utterly useless when I needed them the most and thought, Traitors.

Seeing as I couldn’t have done anything to him since my body was no better than a baby’s at this time, I just huffed and remained quietly in his arms as he walked along the forest. I didn’t think he was going to do anything bad to me, because as much as I wanted to forget what happened before, I knew he was the one who found me. He had led the others to where I was taken, although I still didn’t know how he did it. I was afraid to ask and I don’t think I would want to know the answer even if I did.

The bright chirping of the birds took my attention away from my thoughts and I looked up to see them flying all over. Their song was in tune with the rustling of the warm breeze, a seemingly long forgotten music in my ears.

How long had it been since I had been out and last seen this? I thought, watching the patches of light that broke through the thicket of leaves, casting an orange flow on the pieces of bark, grass, and few animals that skittered past us.

Before long, we were through the forest and I saw the white mansion of the pack house in the distance. I glanced at Tate, wondering why he was bringing me there when I saw that Lilian and Elizabeth were eating at one of the white outdoor chairs in the backyard. There was a healthy serving of fruits and pastries on the table in front of them and they looked to be in a serious discussion.

As soon as I saw Lilian, all the horror and sin that my pack had done to the Reons’ pack and the others, came crashing down at me. I couldn’t bear to look at her, knowing I didn’t deserve whatever kindness she had given me when I found out my family was the reason she had lost more than half of hers.

I turned away from them, facing Tate’s white shirt, wondering if I could blink out of existence before they noticed us. Then I felt myself being lowered to the ground until I stood upright, Tate’s hand situating itself behind my back in support. The grass crunched softly as I uneasily shifted my weight from one feet to the other, watching Lilian and Elizabeth take a bite out of their meals.

Without anyone saying anything, they stopped, their heads turning slowly to where they stood. As soon as they saw Tate and I, their eyes widened and Lilian dropped the strawberry she was about to eat onto her plate. She pushed off her chair quickly and hurried to where I was.

I closed my eyes, expecting her to come into her senses and start yelling at me for inadvertently being one of the reasons why most werewolves had lost their lives. Because hadn’t my brother did what he did, just to find me? All those lives he had taken without remorse, just to find one insignificant girl, wasn’t worth it. I deserved all the harsh words the world had to offer and more, because nothing would ever bring back the lives of the others.

My eyes snapped open wide when I felt warm arms wrapping around me and something wet soaking my shoulders. Lilian was hugging me, tears streaming down her face. She said nothing and I said nothing, but I felt like she wasn’t angry at me nor was she blaming me for anything my family had done. Hesitantly, I hugged her back and she tightened her arms around me.

For the first time, I felt like I could breathe easier knowing that even if the world did come to hate me, even if the people I had begun to consider my family would push me away, that it wasn’t the end of the world. Things will be better.

The storm wasn’t over yet, far from it in fact. Yet I knew no matter how hard it would be to sail past through the storm that would shake the world, everything will be alright in the end because I wasn’t alone. There were people in it with me that would make the catastrophe easier to deal with after all.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

Hi guys! I will be updating every Wednesdays and Sundays so wait for them. :)

For those of you who have read up to this point, Chasing After Ashes is the Book 2 of the Rosewood Trilogy. The first book is Alpha, Do I Know You? Kindly see link here for Book 1: https://www.dreame.com/novel/1964802.html

To get updates and other information about the Rosewood world, join the ADIKY group to get character tidbits, memes, and talk with other readers about the characters and the story. Join here: https://m.facebook.com/groups/251529942148018?ref=share

'Til next time guys! Hope everyone enjoyed this. :)